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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my colleague to hug me every day?

210 replies

perrita · 19/03/2015 22:39

Recently changed to a new team at work, they're all very nice. Each morning, one of the women on the team will come around to each of our desks and give everyone a hug.

I hate it; it makes me feel uncomfortable, I've tried ignoring her or walking away but she literally stands and waits with her arms open and says something like "it's time for morning hugs". I'm not a big hugger in general, and although she's nice enough and we get on okay I still barely know her.

It's been going on for about a week and a half now and I don't know how to stop it, I don't want to offend her or have the other people on the team think I'm strange or horrible or anything but I just don't want a hug although the problem is I feel like I've let it go on too long and I don't know how to tell her to stop.

DH thinks I'm BU and should just put up with it as "it's only a hug, she's just being nice" but I don't think I should have to do something that makes me uncomfortable. AIBU?

OP posts:
Stokes · 19/03/2015 23:08

I'm a hugger and frequently have to stop myself hugging friends who I know aren't the same.

I would hate this. I don't want to hug my colleagues! Wrong, wrong, wrong.

soontobemumofthree · 19/03/2015 23:09

I'd hate this and wouldn't have lasted as long as you, as for surprise hugging from behind!! Seriously!!
You've got to take her to the side and say you're not a hugger!

prawnballs · 19/03/2015 23:12

I would hate that!
Could you not take a water pistol in and squirt her in the eyes Grin

textfan · 19/03/2015 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

meandjulio · 19/03/2015 23:13

What Canyouforgiveher said - talk to her with no ambiguity. Surprise hugging from a colleague would have had me jumping about a foot and throwing my coffee up and behind all over them. I don't do hugs at work and I don't think anyone should have to.

Roobo · 19/03/2015 23:13

Is she trying to make this her 'thing' or something?

I hate being hugged, I find it oh so awkward. I think people who do this are all about the show. 'Look at me I'm so lovely' fuck off!

I go out of my way to avoid hugging people (I'm not a weirdo, I just hate it!). I always find something to do or hold. DH's family love to hug hello/ goodbye. Every. Bloody. Time. Ahhh!

Just tell her to stop it. As you say, you barely know the women. 'No hugs for me' hands up and pull away.

(Although I've been trying to give out 'don't hug me vibes' to MIL for years and she still hasn't got it, so what do I know Confused)

Hobby2014 · 19/03/2015 23:15

I wouldn't be able to say outright.
I think id be poorly one day, cough/snuffly nose and say oh no I'm not well don't want you to catch it, and repeat each day, until eventually she stops trying to hug.

Katisha · 19/03/2015 23:16

There is no way I would put up with this. I would just look at her and if she can't tell from the body language I would say " enough already - I'm not the hugging type"

thenightsky · 19/03/2015 23:17

I imagine that if she was a bloke she'd have been reported to HR by now for being inappropriate and harassing people.

Fiftyplusmum · 19/03/2015 23:19

YANBU. Also I am glad to see I'm not the only one who doesn't like being hugged by work colleagues. As someone has said, why do the pro-huggers have to get their way. Tell her you are not a hugger - in fact say it in a loud voice in front of everyone - it a slightly exasperated way - "look I really don't like being hugged (all the time) and I think you should respect that."

Chillyegg · 19/03/2015 23:24

YANBU! Bloody hell id find that very strange! Almost creepy! I hate people especially strangers approaching me from behind because of an assault i was victim to.

I almost feel sorry for the lady though its quite an idd thing to do everyday.
I agree with previous poster though is she was a man HR would come down on her like a ton of bricks.

mooth · 19/03/2015 23:26

She's clearly nuts. What the f**k does she think she's doing? No-one does that at work.

CuttedUpPear · 19/03/2015 23:27

If she was a man this could be construed as unwanted physical attention.

It isn't nice, I would hate it. She's forcing you to accept her body next to yours.

TheMaddHugger · 19/03/2015 23:28

Yikes. I love to Hug but its insane for her to do this in a working enviroment.

thornrose · 19/03/2015 23:29

I would have no issue in asking her not to hug me. If she persisted I'd walk away as she approached me. If she still insisted I'd tell her to get off me.

I love hugs from family and friends. Sometimes from colleagues in specific situations. Daily unwanted hugs! No fucking way.

VelvetScrunchie · 19/03/2015 23:33

Her behaviour is really, really weird and so not cool. Is she like the 'top dog' of the team? It's almost as if she's asserting herself over others but with hugs instead of giving you a shove or something, if you see what I mean.

Basically, she's a creep.

Silverdaisy · 19/03/2015 23:35

Perrita. What type of industry are you in? Perhaps some may think that it doesn't make a difference, but if it is an area where you are working with people who need care then maybe I could understand this - as it attracts an emotional type.

However, i personally could not bear this either.

In a new job role I would wait and see what happnens. The team you have joined don't know you yet.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 19/03/2015 23:39

Also Grin at morning hugs. Oh my. I've got team building next week at work and said absolutely definitely no physical contact if they want me to attend.
Can you say "give me ten minutes - morning poo first" every day until she gets the message?

Tanfastic · 19/03/2015 23:41

Nope I wouldn't stand for that but I'm not afraid to offend so I'd just put my hands up and say "sorry I don't do hugs" and leave it at that.

She sounds a right annoying twat Grin

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 19/03/2015 23:41

Aww haven't you seen the friends episode when Chandler is upset when his boss stops slapping his arse even though he hates it? You might miss it if she stopped Grin

No seriously, I wouldn't like that either.

BerylStreep · 19/03/2015 23:44

I worked in a job once when every Friday morning we had to hold hands in a circle and pray together. There might have been hugs too, but I have blocked most of it out of my mind.

This lady is totally inappropriate. I think you need to be upfront and say to her that you just don't do hugs, and please stop.

BigRedBall · 19/03/2015 23:44

Is she South African?

VelvetScrunchie · 19/03/2015 23:45

The more I think about it, the creepier this woman sounds. Fuck off, Huggy Bear.

BerylStreep · 19/03/2015 23:51

Could you get a T shirt made?

like this

sykadelic · 19/03/2015 23:53

I would ask someone else whether there's a reason for it you're not privvy to... in a polite way like "has it always been like that? is there a reason?"

Based on the answer I would then approach her when she's alone and let her know that you really like her as a person but that you don't like being hugged and that's it's not personal, it's just how you are, just like she likes to hug, you don't and thank her for understanding. Perhaps if she's really nice you could suggest some other morning ritual, like a high five, thumb wrestle, or fist bump :P