to wonder why you think I care about your marital status?

[JessieMcJessie]

I've just received an email from the personal assistant to someone I am meeting later today. Her standard signature at the bottom of the e-mail (name changed of course) is

Mrs Brenda Jones

I sometimes see communications from other women signed off "Brenda Jones (Mrs)"

Why on earth do people do this? Do any of you do this?

NB although her name is not really Brenda, it was an unmistakeably female name, so it wasn't to stop any confusion about her gender. And I myself have a unisex first name but I still never put Mrs on my letters or emails (nor Miss before I was married).

I suppose it's just old fashioned but how awful that society ever thought that marital status and ability to do a job were in any way connected.

I agree. I think there should be one title for all women, or ideally one title for everyone whether male or female (which would also help transgender people).

I only sign my first and last name. I agree it's very dated. I do feel in general people feel like they've achieved something when they get married. I'm not saying they haven't, but it's no different to someone in a long term relationship.

I'm always slightly puzzled by it too. When responding to an email from someone, I would generally respond Dear Brenda. If I were begging them for a job or something and I were feeling formal I'd use Dear Ms Jones if they didn't specify their preferred title. I suppose women who find Ms wholly objectionable (and sadly there are many) put Mrs there so you know which title to use.

Rightly or wrongly, I do judge women who do this. I would judge a Miss for proudly using a child's title and subconsciously think her childish. And a Mrs I would judge for being someone who thinks that being married is some kind of achievement to be proud of and worth more than her actual achievements at work. I realise these judgements are probably completely unfounded and unfair, but that's what pops into my head. I also realise this make me a total hypocrite as I use Dr in work emails, and I'm sure there are people who make assumptions about me and judge me based on that.

Personally i hate (and i mean i hate) ms as it sounds like a bumblebee. Im probably being unreasonable about that but its a huge pet hate. Mrs is good or just my name.

To be fair to her the sign off is probably some outdated house style.

Also if a name is in your language it's often clear whether it's masculine/feminine, but not so much to speakers of other languages. However I can never decide if it matters whether you're emailing a man or a woman or not (apart from in certain circumstances).

I do feel I've achieved something by getting married, but that's because as a same sex couple I never thought I'd see the day we could get married and be seen as equal.

I agree though that marital status has no influence over your ability to get married and would never put my title on a letter. It actually annoys me when people address me by title and surname rather than just my name.

I also agree one title for all women would be the way forward that doesn't denote marital status. Or just do away with titles altogether!

Totally agree op. Unless the title is relevant (dr or reverend for example) I think it is better not to use a title but if you do use one something neutral (ms) is better.

I suppose it does give off the message that she expects any communication to her to be "Dear Mrs Jones". Indeed, hers to me was "Dear Ms McJessie".

I think that "Dear Brenda" is perfectly polite in this day and age and in my very formal profession it would be absolutely standard to reply to an email from John Smith as "Dear John" even if I had never met him before and he older than me and a very important client.

Why do you think the person gives a damn whether you care or note? They can do whatever they wish WRT their name. Why should you force your beliefs onto someone else?

The fact is that it's ridiculous we have Mrs, Miss and Ms anyway.

I wonder if you wrote to a man in that company whether he'd have (Mr) written after his name. I don't think I've ever seen that, though I've seen (Mrs) after the name quite often.

AnnieLobeseder

I also realise this make me a total hypocrite as I use Dr in work emails, and I'm sure there are people who make assumptions about me and judge me based on that.

I don't think you are a hypocrite because "Dr" informs people of your professional/academic qualifications, which is clearly relevant to the work you are doing.

I don't think it's appropriate to use a first name when you've never met the person. Convention dictates that they give it in a letter but it's rude to just use it.

Agree with you about the (Mrs) after the salutation and name though, it's pointless.

Owl Capone

Why do you think the person gives a damn whether you care or note?

er, because they use that title in something they wrote to me, so they are obviously telling me this information for a reason?

Bloodyhell, I wish I had enough time in my day to be concerned about such nonsense.

You sign yourself as you wish and let others do the same - why on earth would it matter to you how anyone else wishes to be be addressed?

I am Wilma echt because that is my name. It does not mean I'm inviting anyone to call me Wilma, any more than Elizabeth Windsor expects to be addressed as Elizabeth.

I expect Dear Ms echt. I know the first names of those I address, but don't presume to address them by their first name.

Far better to be formal and then invited to be less so, than to presume intimacy.

LyingWitch (or should I say MsInTheWardrobe)

I'm afraid I disagree that not addressing someone by their title is universally rude. Times have moved on and while some people may still think it is, most professional environments did away with it long ago. I'd only do it for people over about 70 these days, to cater for their old-fashioned sensibilities.

I agree it's a bit outdated, but it is useful to know how to address someone when writing back where, as others have said, using a first name might not be appropriate.

I agree OP. Why put Mrs? Is she afraid you might hit on her?

The only time I've ever done this is when someone addresses me automatically as Mrs or Miss. Then I'll sign off with Ms or Dr in brackets, because I am a massive wanker about such things.

When other people do it, I assume it's because I've addressed them wrongly before.

nokidishere you might have a bit more time in your day if you didn't spend it commenting on Mumsnet about things that you consider to be pointless nonsense. Just a thought.

And echt the point is that using a first name does not "presume intimacy". If I met (eg) Gordon Brown tomorrow, I'd say 'It's a pleasure to meet you Gordon". Doesn't mean I think we have an intimate relationship. It's perfectly polite nowadays.

I am married, my choice, I love being married, and I love being a Mrs so people know. It is who I am and should that Offend you?

In fact, whenever I get anything addressed to Ms McJessie they are usually trying to sell me something and to me it smacks of smarmy faux courtesy.

Wrc what? You're a title?

Wrcgirl it doesn't offend me. I didn't say anyhere that it did.

I asked why you (and Brenda) think I care?

You've just told me, it's because you want to tell the world that you are married because it makes you happy. That's a perfectly good answer.

Thanks jessie, that's exactly what I meant but obviously did not put it very well :)