to wonder why you think I care about your marital status?

[JessieMcJessie]

I've just received an email from the personal assistant to someone I am meeting later today. Her standard signature at the bottom of the e-mail (name changed of course) is

Mrs Brenda Jones

I sometimes see communications from other women signed off "Brenda Jones (Mrs)"

Why on earth do people do this? Do any of you do this?

NB although her name is not really Brenda, it was an unmistakeably female name, so it wasn't to stop any confusion about her gender. And I myself have a unisex first name but I still never put Mrs on my letters or emails (nor Miss before I was married).

I suppose it's just old fashioned but how awful that society ever thought that marital status and ability to do a job were in any way connected.

Wow. Crikey.

I just quoted the bit where she did. She said 'presumably an intelligent educated woman'. It's the 'presumably' bit that suggests she, er, presumes that.

Admittedly, I am being a bit of a pedant here, but my point is that it's a dubious way to support your case. Why on earth should we assume everyone making a choice about titles is doing so because they're intelligent and educated? It doesn't take any education to tick a box. And, I could be as thick as two short planks and still, it would be impolite of you to tell me I couldn't use 'Ms' or 'Mrs' if I wanted to.

There's no need to bring intelligence into the debate, and I objected to her doing it because she's implying that, if someone disagrees with the use of 'Mrs', they're impugning other women's intelligence/education. And on the whole we're not, I don't think. We're merely disagreeing.

OwlCapone

And I asked why you think they give a damn whether you care or not.

I don't think that.

So why do you assume they think you care about their marital status?

They are simply telling you which courtesy title they wish you to use. It's hardly rocket science.

Your thread title is AIBU to wonder why you think I care about your marital status? and the answer is that actually they haven't given any thought to whether you care or not. Just like you haven't given any thought as to whether they give a damn about your opinion.

Annie thank you.

Jeanne you're pecking away at something that isn't there but knock yourself out with it if you want to.

OP YABU to wonder, the woman who wrote to you won't care what you think about her marital status, in fact your opinion probably didn't enter her mind. It's how she chooses to be addressed.

I'm multitasking

It's just about choice - if a woman chooses to use a title why should anyone else care what that is?

I introduce myself as nokidshere - I rarely use a title or a surname unless I don't have a choice on forms and stuff. I expect people to address me the same way I have introduced myself, and that could be in different ways for different people.

But that's my choice to make, not anyone else's and I wouldn't expect to be judged on the term that I use.

Agree with Bilberry about responding in the same way I'm addressed, usually start with the more formal. "Hi" only ever used with colleagues I worked closely with.

Jessie a switch to no titles at all would create some jobs in IT - the computer system I used to use would have a meltdown at the missing info . Although I kind of like using titles - makes me feel I'm being more polite for some reason.

Well, it was your words, Idont. They're still there. You seem to be tangled up in a disagreement with yourself, don't you?

Tricky.

I think you're being a lot of a pedant tbh.

I usually 'presume' that everyone I meet is a reasonably intelligent/educated individual - unless they prove me otherwise.

And even if they have proven me otherwise my sister then I still treat them as if they are an intelligent individual.

Your reply read (to me) as if the pp had stated that intelligent women would choose Mrs. When what she actually said was that (presumably) intelligent women would make their own choice.

But yes, the choice is there to be made for intelligent/unintelligent/educated/uneducated women alike.

I also think its weird

I'm not married but I don't have a problem with using the title 'Miss' - I use it in the sense of '... and now, MISS SHIRLEY BASSEY!'

I don't see Miss as a 'child's title' anyway. I see it as being short for Mistress, which used to cover adult women of any marital status.

Why do they think you care?

Actually, it's not about you.

They care. They care enough to point out to you their preferred form of address. Whether you care to use it or impose your preferences is your choice, along with whatever risk that imposes on your job.

Whatever variation on my name or title they use is fine, so long as they manage not to involve the spelling error that is so common I joke I might as well change my name. In an effort to keep all my various records and identity documents in order, I am quite firm about what name I give, and what title if one must be used at all.

Yeah, I probably am being a lot of a pedant.

I didn't imagine she meant intelligent people would choose Mrs. I just don't like people bringing intelligence/education into the debate in that slightly rhetorically manipulative way, as if disagreeing with someone must mean you're insulting their intelligence.

Owl the "preferred form of address" response is indeed the answer to my question. It genuinely did not occur to me that someone writing an email to me about an appointment with her boss would want me to reply "Dear Mrs Jones" and not "Dear Brenda". I am afraid I said "Dear Brenda". I hope she was not too offended.

Some websites are now dropping asking for a title on their forms - to do away with this issue.

For my own part, the Mrs/Ms/Miss thing is archaic.

I am as Mrs and I love using that title.

I would be really pissed off if that choice was taken away from me.

I can get on board with being called Mistress though :)

I like Miss, juste as much as I like "Mademoiselle".
I do not see it as a way to infantilise me, it's more a coquetterie. I would never judge anybody on wanting to use the correct titles. Not everything is a battle against patriarchy. Lots of other real feminists matters need the focus lost on this kind of discussions.

Yikes, I'm now fretting about my work emails. Luckily I only write internal ones 90% of which start with Hi 'Bob', people I've never met before get a Dear 'Bob'. Hopefully I've not offended anyone yet.
(pretend name obvs, i don't have a million colleagues called Bob)

I don't mind being called 'Stella' as that's my name, but I was impressed recently when the British gas man referred to me on the phone as Ms 'Alpina', without knowing my title.

SO IF THIS PERSON WAS YOUR DC teacher how would you address them? I don't like strangers being over familiar but am not a teacher. What about a nurse or doctor does the same feeling about this apply?

I get it if you're a Mrs and you want to keep your title.

But equally is it right to impose on other women the need to declare their marital status when they don't want to?

i still tick the Miss box on forms and whatnot, and i'm married. i didn't change my name and although i aim to be a Ms, it's not caught on yet

i care as much about a persons marital status as i do about what they eat - not one jot

Everything is a battle against the patriarchy. A daily battle. I can barely bring myself to divert my attention from the dozen other crucial feminist matters I could solve in an instant if only I didn't fritter my time away on MN.

Just imagine it. If only women weren't so shit, we could've solved this inequality nonsense years ago!

YABU to think that I think that you think that you care about my marital status. I don't care that you think that I think that I care about what you think ;)

I think other things are more important to know about a person rather than whether they are married. Are they happy? Are they a good parent? Are they good with money? Do they have outstanding debts? Have they ever hit anyone else? Do they drink too much?

Rather than having to show marital status and gender, why not show other factors which are actually relevant?

May i ask what is the added value of disclosing you matital status in a work scenario?

Obviously if a client or colleague or anyone for that mater wants to be addresses as mrs or whatever the polite thing is to do so. But other than personal preference why would you insist on pointing out your marital status?

Sorry if this question is pedant but i do think that for work it is preferable to be clear and concise, and adding one of many possible tittles is the opposite of that. I would rather not use a tittle at all, or the default neutral female tittle if necessary.