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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DM to see baby before MIL?

386 replies

lillamyy1 · 19/03/2015 07:49

Our first baby's due in a few weeks and DH has just told me that as soon as I go into labour, MIL is going to drive down (she lives a couple of hours away) and be on hand for if he "needs support" Hmm and also to drive us home afterwards and go shopping for anything we might need etc.
She doesn't want to actually be at the birth or anything, but I don't really want her to be at the hospital at all, I just want my own DM to be there and to be the one to help out in the first couple of days. I also really want my DM to be the first to see the baby and I don't know how that can happen if MIL is lurking about at the hospital during the birth. My DM can't drive so she'll be relying on buses, and I know that's what DH will say if I tell him I want her to be the one helping.
I don't know MIL well enough to have her around straight after the birth, AIBU to just want my own DM there? And how can I explain this to DH/MIL?
Also it's her first grandchild whereas my sisters have already had several kids so DH seems to think that it's somehow more important to MIL that to DM.

OP posts:
maddening · 20/03/2015 20:31

I would say you'll let them know you are in labour but are to come to arrive at the hospital on the next visiting time on the ward but if you don't end up going to the ward you will call them when you've settled at home. let them both come the same time when you're all sorted and had a chance to get over a bit.

earlycomputers · 20/03/2015 22:19

YANBU: Don't tell your MIL that you are in labour/had the baby until a couple of days after its born. Then you & your DM can have some uninterrupted time. Your MIL does come second in the pecking order of things because you are the major focus (aswell as the baby) after something like giving birth and you need the support of your mum, not someone else's mum, after the birth. People forget that the new mother needs a lot of care & help and she has a right to tell people when and where they can visit (ie after you have had some breathing space).

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 20/03/2015 22:31

So don't tell MIL that the baby is born until two days later so OP and DM can have interrupted time?? At which point MIL will realise she's been been kept in the dark for two days and be upset.
Or will she have to celebrate her grandchild's birthday two days late every year as well to keep up the pretence?

mewkins · 20/03/2015 22:32

Your dh may well need support. My dh was a bit of a tired and wrung out mess by the time dd arrived. He was on the verge of fainting and actually could really have done with his mum there.to support him (and drive him home). It really doesn't matter who is first to see the baby.

Stratter5 · 20/03/2015 22:40

I'm so glad that you've got everything sorted.

Can I just say, you mentioned your MIL can be interfering, mine was like that too, but I discovered she was simply, albeit rather clumsily, trying to reach out, and bring me into the family. It's very easy to take it the wrong way, I did, but now she is my greatest ally, and I love her dearly.

Let her in, she's sounds pretty ok over all. And if she can be a bit bloody minded, that can be quite useful when you're in hospital x

dotdotdotmustdash · 21/03/2015 00:29

After watching our first baby being born quickly and messily by forceps my DH went straight to his parents home and burst into tears.

TinyTearsFirstLove · 21/03/2015 02:57

I understand about not wanting MIL staying at yours after the birth as you will want some privacy. It's uncomfortable when your body is leaking fluid from several places and your boobs might be on show. You need to feel comfortable in your own home. It's different if it's your own Mum as she's seen you naked for years!
Maybe say to other half that if he was pissing and shitting himself, would he want your Mum to witness that and see his private parts? I don't think some men realise that your body doesn't just stop changing once the baby's born. Your body needs time to recover and there's alot of messiness that goes with that.
Do think you should let MIL be the first to see the baby though to make up for the fact that she's got a 2 hour drive but you'd rather she wasn't around to help.

Madamecastafiore · 21/03/2015 03:57

Oooohhh I could have written your post 15 years ago about XHs DM.

You need to take control. Tell him he is there to support you and if he needs someone else there because he can't handle that then you'll have your mum with you instead.

Madamecastafiore · 21/03/2015 03:59

It wasn't about who saw the baby first but by being around when I was in labour they got to waltz right in before I had recovered and all I remember is FIL laughing saying I looked 'off my head'. It ruined the whole experience for me and I felt somewhat violated.

AliceMcGee · 21/03/2015 04:07

I think it's normal for a mother to be the one helping a daughter out after the birth.I would just tell both sets of GPs that you don't want visitors at the hospital

ApocalypseThen · 21/03/2015 06:40

It ruined the whole experience for me and I felt somewhat violated.

That's a dreadful way to feel. I'm so sorry he did that, the stupid, boorish fool.

Mehitabel6 · 21/03/2015 06:49

You just make sure that DH doesn't tell anyone when you go into hospital and the problem is solved.

Honeypot1 · 21/03/2015 07:08

I read the OP and thought you & DH are having your first child. Both a little scared, not knowing what to expect & what a lucky son you will have, as he is so loved before he even gets here.

I honestly think our brains can play tricks on us at times & that distracting you from the thought of BECOMING A MOTHER is being overcast by anxiety of the birth.

Lily, you will be fine. Do be assertive if there's any overcrowding or behaviour you're uncomfortable with. But try & enjoy. All the best Thanks

MrsPeabody · 21/03/2015 08:20

Madame, such a horrible experience. Sorry you had to go through that.

sunflowered · 21/03/2015 08:23

Some of the later threads aren't appearing on my app so sorry if this is cross posted with any other comments. I think yabu regarding who actually sees the baby first, for reasons that have already been laid out. But for all the posters who think yabu full stop and have laid into you, I have to say that my mil arrived (and stayed uninvited for a week) immediately after dc1 was born "to help out dh" but she took so much looking after herself that I barely saw dh for the whole week I was in hospital. She was so emotional that it became more about her than it was about me and our new dc. I had no privacy on the ward when I had a catheter draining in full view and most of my bits on display, but I was so overwhelmed that I didn't know what to say to get them to leave. I went home to a house that was dirtier than when I left it and an empty fridge. There are occasions when mils can be a hindrance and not a help, and I say that as someone who had a great relationship with their mil previously.

WhyNotSmile · 21/03/2015 08:32

If MIL drives and DM doesn't, could MILs first task be to go and collect DM and bring her to the hospital? That way they both arrive together, stay for a short visit (30 mins), see DC and then MIL can drive DM home and they can discuss how beautiful DC is?

AliceMcGee · 21/03/2015 09:09

you are the one having the baby. Everything needs to revolve around your needs in this period, not around being fair to others.

SuperMoonIsKeepingMeUpToo · 21/03/2015 09:15

Simples. Ask MIL to pick up your mum on the way!

Ubik1 · 21/03/2015 10:23

you are the one having the baby. Everything needs to revolve around your needs in this period, not around being fair to others.

Wow

This is like those wedding threads when everyone starts

Ubik1 · 21/03/2015 10:25

Going "it's your day Hun, have whatever you want."

I think creating some sort of hierarchy of who can see the baby first is precious.

Sure I can understand wanting your mum to help out but don't exclude your MIL. Thus should be a happy time which brings both families together.

AliceMcGee · 21/03/2015 10:53

Thus should be a happy time which brings both families together.
maybe in Disney, but the reality is tat the mother is recovering, from a major, physical trauma, leaking bodlly fluids, sore, exhausted, overwhelmed with hormones and learning how to cope with a newborn baby, establish feeding etc.The only people that should be about are those that make her life easier not add an extra layer of stress.
There will be plenty of time to see the baby.it is up to the OP when she feels ready.

Flipchart · 21/03/2015 11:01

There will be plenty of time to see the baby.it is up to the OP when she feels ready

That is true but it wasn't the crux of the first post from the OP. It was how can she explain to her MIL that her own mother was the more important grandparent as OP only wanted her own mum to see the baby.

Ubik1 · 21/03/2015 11:15

Yes 'the more important grandparent.'

It's only for visiting hours.
I've had three children and my fair share of trauma - EMCS, SCBU etc - but it never occurred to me to set a hierarchy of 'who gets to see the baby first.'

I really don't get it - the baby is part of two families, it is as much the father's child as it is the mother's child.

The MIL is trying to be helpful and just wants to see the new grandchild. Confused why make a drama of it?

Flipchart · 21/03/2015 11:28

Y thoughts exactly ubik1

AliceMcGee · 21/03/2015 11:34

The MIL has been a new mother herself! I am sure she will understand that you want your mum looking after you at this vulnerable time.As I read it ,the poor MIL has only offered herself up to help, she hasn't made any demands.
Also people other than the birth partner (which in our hospital there can only be one of) don't really hang about the hospital whilst the mother is in labour and hospitals are very protective of new mothers regarding visitors in the hours after birth.
You might be very grateful of your MIL being able to run into town and buy foods and other essentials, but you won't really know til the time comes and everybody needs to be flexible.
Someone needs to have a word with your DH and explain that his role is to support and act as an advocat for you.

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