To want DM to see baby before MIL?

[lillamyy1]

Our first baby's due in a few weeks and DH has just told me that as soon as I go into labour, MIL is going to drive down (she lives a couple of hours away) and be on hand for if he "needs support" and also to drive us home afterwards and go shopping for anything we might need etc.
She doesn't want to actually be at the birth or anything, but I don't really want her to be at the hospital at all, I just want my own DM to be there and to be the one to help out in the first couple of days. I also really want my DM to be the first to see the baby and I don't know how that can happen if MIL is lurking about at the hospital during the birth. My DM can't drive so she'll be relying on buses, and I know that's what DH will say if I tell him I want her to be the one helping.
I don't know MIL well enough to have her around straight after the birth, AIBU to just want my own DM there? And how can I explain this to DH/MIL?
Also it's her first grandchild whereas my sisters have already had several kids so DH seems to think that it's somehow more important to MIL that to DM.

took it personally etc if I had MN I would have realised its quite common and I have found, great comfort in that.

cactus. wonderful MN!

It's not about being less important though.

I've always had a better relationship with my parents than husband has with his.

I was at home with the children & my parents came over once a week whilst husband was at work to see us.

they would stay for about half an hour after he got home to see him also.

My ILs would never do this.

If husband wouldn't be there for the whole of their visit then they didn't want to bother.

So we saw much less of them as husband wasn't willing to give up one day every weekend to see them.

YANU to not be sure about wanting anyone around in the few days following the birth (in all honesty, if she is a decent person, you will probably be very glad of her but you won't realise that till after). YABVVU to want your DM to see the baby first. Its not a bloody competition.

"OMG this is the most odd thread ever. When we have children we are supposed to equip them with all they need to make their own way in the world, as ADULTS. Especially when they have partners and children of their own.

We are supposed to be there when they need us, and do everything we can to enable their relationships to flourish happily, independent of us. Not push in where we are not wanted, trying to get as high up in the pecking order as we feel is our right. We don't have any rights as far as our children and their relationships are concerned. We need to wait to be asked.

You mothers of boys will have so much of a more rewarding relationship with your DILS this way"

If the DIL allows it of course.

Actually my kids have a closer and more involved relationship with my pils than my own parents. The pils also saw no 1 child first and were the ones to come on holiday with us and stay with us. Mums was there to help with no 2 being born but TBh it was very stressful.

have 6 sons and 1 daughter.
so I'll be second important 6 times.

Seriously, you are telling us you have 7 children of your own, and you are still so much of a petulant child that this is what worries you?

Holy shit!

Guess what?

You won't even be "first important" when your daughter gives birth.

You won't even be in the top 3.

When other people have babies, you are not important.

Don't know if anyone's suggested this but as mil drives and dm doesn't; could mil be helpful by collecting your mum and bringing her to the hospital? They could meet their new grandchild together which would set a lovely equal precedent facilitating a positive relationship between you and mil and after meeting baby perhaps she could be sent on a shopping errand while your mum helps you bathe or something? That way you get quality time with your mum, but mil doesn't feel second best and gets to be helpful.

I have 6 sons and 1 daughter
so I'll be second important 6 times
how nice and fuzzy that makes me feel already

I had 3 sons and 1 daughter. So I had 4 chances to feel nice and fuzzy. You've had 7 chances, I assume. Our dils and dds don't go through labour so we grandparents can feel important.

I'm astonished at some of the self-centredness on this thread. Women giving birth are the ones who deserve the attention - the rest of us should be supporting them in whichever way THEY want.

Thanks for the feedback. I've tried to explain to DH how I feel but he's insisting on telling MIL when I first go into labour and on her waiting in the hospital cafe throughout. He actually turned it into an argument and told me that I can't use the fact that I'm the one giving birth to try and control every aspect of it and dictate who is and isn't there.

He needs to be supporting your needs and being sensitive to your feelings. Have you been to any ante-natal classes together? Have you got time to go? The midwives and especially NCT classes) will be very emphatic about women in labour needing to feel at ease and not under pressure and how important it is to have her feelings supported and respected.

It is all very well, al the posters saying 'be grateful for the support' and 'he has rights' and 'she has as much right as your Mum' etc, but in the end this is a woman who has already over stepped the mark in interfering with your lives / furniture etc, and who you don't know well enough to feel relaxed and intimate with. Of course you will welcome her into your family life as your baby's grandmother - that doesn't have to involve her sitting waiting while you are in labour.

I think your DH's attitude is a problem, he is either wildly naïve and uneducated and insensitive about childbirth, or controlling, or completely under the thumb of his mother and afraid to tell her 'no' to her overbearing plan.

NCT / ante-natal classes - or counselling. Speedily.

Is there anyone else he would listen to?

I have a great relationship with my mother and I didn't tell her I was in labour until I was in transition. Because I couldn't bear the idea of people waiting and watching the clock and checking for progress.

There may be some books with helpful chapters that he could read or you could show him?

You shouldn't be afraid to discuss things with him

And OP - please you have enough people on your case - post in childbirth or relationships, not in AIBU for things where you are feeling sensitive.

"as mil drives and dm doesn't; could mil be helpful by collecting your mum and bringing her to the hospital? "

That could be ideal.

However, I have a feeing that this is not in any way part of this MILs agenda.

In fairness though, this sounds like it's coming from her little princey rather than the mother in law herself who may imagine that her daughter in law is fine with her watching the clock in the cafe and giving her brave manny an excuse to get out of the labour room to update his best girl on the progress. I think this is his doing.

I think it was his idea as well.
I've emailed MIL to say how grateful I am that she'll be nearby and wants to help out so much but that I hope she understands that I'll feel under pressure if I know anyone is waiting in the hospital and that I'll want to have a shower and a rest before I have any visitors at all. I said it as nicely as possible. I'm still waiting for a reply.

That sounds perfect. Well done.

I understand why you want your dm there for you rather than mil but does it really matter who sees the baby first? Has your dm specifically expressed this desire or does it not matter to her?
Mil is your dps mother and surely he wants his mum to see the baby just as much you want yours to see the baby.

Blu said:

I think your DH's attitude is a problem, he is either wildly naïve and uneducated and insensitive about childbirth, or controlling, or completely under the thumb of his mother and afraid to tell her 'no' to her overbearing plan.

I've read the whole thread and he sounds like a mummy's boy to me.

OP, to me (as a son, husband(ex), father) you sound very reasonable. I understand that somebody looking for emotional support would turn to the person who has offered that to them the most, in their life.

I also believe that we have more than one family in our lifetimes; you, your siblings, mother and father were a family but now, you, your husband and soon your son, will be another family. In that respect, whilst the respective grandparents are itching to see/get involved with their 'immortatility' it's down to you first.

I like the idea put forward by a PP, that you telephone your mother-in-law and tell her, that you want some quality time with your husband and new baby but very much look forward to seeing her, soon after the birth and you'll let her know when you're ready to see her.

Somebody posted about members of your respective families turning up with stuff for the baby. Might be worth deciding with your husband now, that something you/he/both of you have bought, that your son will wear for the first few days, to ensure there's no rancour or bitterness, that so-and-so bought this baby gro and is wearing it first.

As for the stuff about husbands not needing support, some of you need to get a grip. When my first child was born, at about 0700, I had got up at 0600 the previous day. By the time we'd gone through the 7-hour labour, with my (ex)wife strangling me, kneeing me, kicking me and biting me, got her settled with No. 1 child, stayed at the hospital long enough to sort things out and welcome the first visitors, I got to leave at about 2000. As this was about 38-hours with no sleep, I was a bit of a wreck. Fortunately a couple of mates came over to the hospital an drove me and my car home (40-minute journey) and when I got home, my mother-in-law (who was brilliant) had cleaned and tidied the house and cooked me a meal. Gave me a couple of hours free to do some work. I was very grateful.

Norland, that is a highly sensible description of good support for fathers! Rather different from keeping mum handy in the cafeteria for whale music and pep talks!

It's a very sweet thought, but 'setting a lovely equal precedent facilitating a positive relationship' makes it sound like giving birth is part of an equal opportunities local government action plan.... when the plan is to have a healthy and unstressed as possible mum and baby doing well by the end of the birth. And that's it. It's more than enough for OP to be handling on that day.

OP, hoping you get a considerate and supportive response from MiL.

With two sons, threads like these give me the fear.

It's natural to want your mum to look after you. It's not fair to be competitive over who sees the baby first. Can't they see the baby together? It could be a huge help to you if mil picked up your mum in the car maybe?

Alternatively,

In regard to your dh needing support, he could go to his mum for a sleep, shower and food after the birth and then bring her in to show off the new addition. Your mum could keep you company while he is away?

It's not fair to be competitive over who sees the baby first. Can't they see the baby together? It could be a huge help to you if mil picked up your mum in the car maybe?

I agree that who sees the baby first shouldn't be a competition, but I think the OP has already conceded that. But as far as seeing the baby at the same time/mother in law picking up mum and the other similar suggestions throughout the thread, it's pretty clear that nothing could be further from the intentions if the husband, and by extension, his mother.

I have crossed posts massively. Your dh is being silly having her waiting in the cafe. First time we told no one until baby arrived. Second time we text to say heading in to hospital, but no-one arrived until requested!

If nothing else, it's a tiring and time wasting thing for your mil to do. Dh isn't planning on leaving you during the birth to give updates is he?!

ummm excellent misunderstanding going on.

oh how I love people shouting "It's not about you"

clearly I meant that I will be The MIL 6 times over, and only The DM once to the woman giving birth with any of my future grandkinds.
so in theory, possibly 2nd important to the other grandma 6 times.
I did not mean that I'd be 2nd important to the mother giving birth - and how that'd be not very nice!

clearly, since the OP is about DM v MIL

but oh it must have been so nice for people to think I need to be lectured.
such fun

My MiL worked in the kitchen at the hospital where I delivered DS2 and was at work when I went into labour. My mum had DS1 staying with them overnight. I only wanted DH with me during birth.

MiL was waiting in the hallway by the nursery as they wheeled us out of L&D and I still remember her tears when I pulled the blanket away from DS2's little face. She kissed me, blessed him, and then went and made me the best club sandwich and chips I'd ever had. My parents came later and brought DS1 to meet his new brother.

It didn't matter one whit to me who 'saw the baby first'. He certainly doesn't remember (or care) who saw him first! All that matters is that he is and was loved, deeply, by all his grandparents.

I felt completely irrational about all manner of things re my pfb. Didn't want visitors holding him/wearing perfume etc. I think a lot of it was my hormones telling me to protect this creature. Fortunately everyone forgave my ridiculous demands.

Your DH is a knob. The comment about just because you're giving birth you don't get to decide what happens. WTAF? I can't believe you didn't have it out with him when he said that.