To want DM to see baby before MIL?

[lillamyy1]

Our first baby's due in a few weeks and DH has just told me that as soon as I go into labour, MIL is going to drive down (she lives a couple of hours away) and be on hand for if he "needs support" and also to drive us home afterwards and go shopping for anything we might need etc.
She doesn't want to actually be at the birth or anything, but I don't really want her to be at the hospital at all, I just want my own DM to be there and to be the one to help out in the first couple of days. I also really want my DM to be the first to see the baby and I don't know how that can happen if MIL is lurking about at the hospital during the birth. My DM can't drive so she'll be relying on buses, and I know that's what DH will say if I tell him I want her to be the one helping.
I don't know MIL well enough to have her around straight after the birth, AIBU to just want my own DM there? And how can I explain this to DH/MIL?
Also it's her first grandchild whereas my sisters have already had several kids so DH seems to think that it's somehow more important to MIL that to DM.

3 yr old DD woke up and told me her daddy is the king of kings and mummy does the washing. Yep, can see why she thinks this. xxx

sorry - no idea how that happened. Very wrong thread ( puts-down-wine)

God I would dictate that dh wasn't there after that conversation. I agree with pp he sounds like a nob.

I cant stand that rush for people to meet a new baby the minute the cords cut, I think it's a bit grabby. Unless you have an older dc I can't see how much 'help' you will need when still in hospital either, I think I'm in the mn minority tho because I've seen people flamed here before for saying they want to get home and recover first.

Well MIL sent a lovely reply saying she understands completely and that it's all up to me when/if she comes to the hospital. It was obviously DH's idea to get her there immediately and I'm not quite sure why that's what he wants but since MIL is happy to stand back until I'm ready I feel a lot more positive about it.
Don't think I can talk to DH about it though as when I tried to explain my side in more detail earlier (after the initial argument) he wasn't really willing to try to see my pov. I did use the vasectomy/my DM being there analogy to try and put him in my shoes but he shrugged it off and didn't try to imagine it.
Ah well, just have to play it by ear on the day.

Thanks again to everyone who's responded, whether you told me IABU or not (except the name callers and others who were overly harsh. Obviously I didn't post to get backed up and expect everyone to agree with me but because I genuinely wanted to know if I was BU, so I don't really think I deserved a personal attack from anyone)

lillamyy it was v sensible to send that email. Your H sounds v dismissive of the fact that YOU are pregnant and YOU are giving birth. Is he always like that? You should not be made to feel so anxious and stressed by the person who should be doung their utmost to support you.

This is an awful thread.

Why can't DM & MIL both see baby together? They're both grandmothers. Your DH has been absolutely ridiculed on here thanks to further forthcoming info..but the main thing is he wanted his mother there, is it a crime? I do think there's an attitude that men don't matter (well apart from the procreation bit I suppose) and what mum wants trumps their wishes. But, its not a competition. When families blend there are some compromises to be made, doesn't mean you always have to concede but sometimes its good to err on the side of fairness. YANBU re. wanting "space" in terms of labour etc, but YABU for wanting your DM to see baby 1st. I see your MIL sent a lovely reply..thats good, she sounds like a nice woman. There may come a time when you are glad of her help..or even when you have both your DM & MIL around you, willing to help out..which is more than some women have judging by the MIL horror stories I see on here regularly.

Just to put it in perspective for your dh, the midwives.and.medical staff would kick HIM out of the room in a second if you requested it. Before, during and after the birth. There will be no question whose opinion matters more. You will be undergoing a painful, stressful and potentially traumatic event. If he is winding you up by getting MIL to wait in the cafe when you specifically said you did not want that, and in your distress you ask for your DM instead, the midwives will usher him out and her in at your command. Birth is not fair and it really is all about you and the baby. No you of course you should not block your Mil seeing the baby a bit later, but birth is all yours and has to be. You would not let him dictate your pain relief to you, no matter how strongly he feels about the potential effects on his child. He also does not dictate who has access to you during and after the birth.

That's great that your MIL has been so reasonable.

Despite all the horror show "mother of boys" future MILs on here, most women who have given birth do get it.

It is reassuring that she isn't going to join in with your husband's bullying of you when you are so vulnerable.

Have you given any thought to finding a birth partner who will be supportive of you and not dismissive?

Your husband's behaviour is really worrying. Have you told anybody in real life about how he treats you?

Well that does sound great.

So is she going to wait until baby is here?

Tell him no when he rings up asking for support?

yanbu op I don't think other than the equal stuff. I always try to be fair although ils don't live locally.

Personally I couldn't stand either dm or mil at my house all the time after I'd just given birth. I like my own space and privacy. So I had no issue with equality, they both just visited for a controlled visit when it suited them. Can mil stay in a hotel? My mil lives 1.5 hours away but she didn't outstay her welcome. It was funny with dd2 because mil quizzed me about when dm had been and I was like 'well she hasn't really' (We'd just seen her in passing a couple of times!).

YABVU it is his baby as well, and his mother.

Lillaymm, I think you received a hard time as your thread title and opening post sounded like favouritism to your mother over who should get to see the baby first. Which of course is an emotive topic.

Your later posts have revealed an entirely different situation. There aren't many on here who would keep their mother or mil waiting in the cafe for an entire labour. Your husbands dismissiveness of your feelings is also very worrying.

I wish you all the best. Hopefully your dh has just spoken without thinking and dug himself into a hole.

OP, I'm so pleased for you! That's wonderful that your MIL is understanding, even if your DH isn't.

As she's so good, you could defo ask her to pick your mum up on the way to the hospital when you're ready to see people - that way both grandmas get to see baby together.

FFS mil is trying to help.
You are having a baby, you are not the first or the last to do so. Sure it's scary but MIL is not the enemy so why try and cold shoulder her. Accept what support she is offering to make her feel included. You never know what's in store in the future and you may actively need her sport and help then.
I get it is special but DIL like you really piss me off! ' my baby, my mum'. You and DP have made yourselves a unit so of course he should want his mum involved if you want your mum involved.

As some one said you sound ridiculous. I would be hurt if I was your DP.

You've since posted since I started to write my post but I really agree with mistress

These sort of threads pop up all the time on MN as if partners don't matter. No wonder your DP was dismissive of your feelings, you were of his.

Would these people who think op's dp has just as much right to be involved expect op to have his mother AT the birth should she wish to have her own there?
It's not a fucking spectator sport, where people battle to get in and be made to feel a priority because they are becoming a grandparent, get a grip. Healthy baby and a healthy happy mum is all that bloody matters, if that means having a bit of personal space after giving birth then so be it.
I hope my dd doesn't have a mil like this, I wouldn't want to be about until my dd felt up to visitors, if it was major surgery would people feel the need to barge their way in? Doubt it. It's just about people being selfish twunts.
Congratulations by the way OP and thank god your mil has been so understanding!

Just have them both around together when you are home- simple.
I can see that you wouldn't want anyone at the hospital - but very simple - just don't tell them you have gone. Apart from that I really can't see why it matters which grandmother sees them first. ( the baby isn't bothered!)

perhaps this is a case of a clueless dh who thinks everything happens in a quick, logical fashion during birth and post partum? does he watch a lot of 1950s black and white films?
its totally normal to want and need your mum and want and need total support at this time.

I haven't commented on the "who should see the baby first?" issue, because it's not really of any significance when your husband treats you like your feelings about your own labour don't matter.

I think the advice for the grannies to come to the hospital and see the baby together is not great.

Far better for you, the baby, and each granny for them to come to you one at a time.

Presuming your MIL is a kind and decent woman who isn't involved in her son's awful behaviour, I would consider letting her in first, especially if she helps out by giving your mother a lift.

On that day, she will have just become a grandmother. That's a big thing in her life. I remember how excited my parents were (especially my Dad) to become grandparents. It is really special.

Your mum will love this baby just as much, but she's already a grandmother. I love all my children equally, and the arrival of the first was the least pleasant, but becoming a mother was a huge thing. That only happened once.

Also, your Mum, being your Mum, is likely to see a fair bit more of this baby in the early days. I think you could even things up a bit for his other (brand new) granny by letting her in first.

But none of this is as important as making sure you have a supportive, non-abusive birth partner.

That's a good reply from your MIL OP.

I still worry your DH will just call her when you're in labour and try and get her to the hospital ASAP. I know you don't want to have another argument but at some point just reiterate your wishes and state quite clearly that you want MIL to come round when you're at home and settled and just for a quick visit. This may be before your mum but definitely not at the hospital.

It's not a discussion, it is a statement of your wishes. Good luck OP. Do not be bullied by Dh and as others have said you can always sack him as a birth partner!

Based on husband's twattery about the birth, I fear for OP. He sounds like a misogynist bully

YABU regarding who sees the baby first. Maybe you have deeper reasons but based on your post you sound childish.
Regarding you not wanting her around straight after the birth because you do not know her well is fair enough to feel, however this baby has two parents and if your DH wants to share his joy with his mother he has a right to - just as you have the right to share your joy with yours.

Maybe the first helpful thing your MIL does can be to go and puck up your mum?

That 'u' is very close to the 'i' on the keyboard eh?

BathtimeFunkster
"But none of this is as important as making sure you have a supportive, non-abusive birth partner."
Seriously, how many more times are you going to tell OP that she's a victim of domestic abuse? Asking if she might be is one thing but you seem intent on telling her that she is. Couples can disagree without one being an abuser. It's also possible to be a control freak without being abusive.
OP, yes abuse DOES often start in pregnancy and does usually start with controlling behaviour. But unless you're scared of your OH - and being worried about having an argument isn't the same as being scared of someone - it's probably NOT an abusive relationship.