To want DM to see baby before MIL?

[lillamyy1]

Our first baby's due in a few weeks and DH has just told me that as soon as I go into labour, MIL is going to drive down (she lives a couple of hours away) and be on hand for if he "needs support" and also to drive us home afterwards and go shopping for anything we might need etc.
She doesn't want to actually be at the birth or anything, but I don't really want her to be at the hospital at all, I just want my own DM to be there and to be the one to help out in the first couple of days. I also really want my DM to be the first to see the baby and I don't know how that can happen if MIL is lurking about at the hospital during the birth. My DM can't drive so she'll be relying on buses, and I know that's what DH will say if I tell him I want her to be the one helping.
I don't know MIL well enough to have her around straight after the birth, AIBU to just want my own DM there? And how can I explain this to DH/MIL?
Also it's her first grandchild whereas my sisters have already had several kids so DH seems to think that it's somehow more important to MIL that to DM.

Is it because of US television shows that people think that relatives/friends/whoever should hang around the hospital for hours waiting to leap in the moment the baby appears?

My DH was under the impression he would ring all the grandparents to let them know when I was in labour. I very quickly made it clear that I expected him to definitely NOT do that - we'd call when the baby arrived. There is no point at all to having someone hanging around at the hospital, and it would probably just add to your stress. Is your DH planning to pop out at intervals to update her in person? Will he text from delivery room to cafe to let her know how things are panning out? Or will she just be sitting in the cafe for hours (and hours and hours, maybe….) waiting when she could be at home blissfully unaware that she is 'waiting' at all.

That said, I do think it would be nice if she could meet the new baby at the same time as your Mum.

Well of course he has to go out to her at various points, otherwise how could she provide her champ with his pep talk before he gets back in the ring?

CactusAnnie well thank God you aren't my DIL, I hate to think how your mother in law is treated let alone your husband/partner. Why hasn't the husband got a right to show his baby to his mother? I have given birth to four and I have always felt my husband had equal rights with me as far as the kids go.

Have you see the title of this threat? What we were asked was was she being unreasonable to want DM to see baby before MIL, not should her husband have support (why not) should she have the last say on who can enter the hospital and certainly not that MIL wants to be present for the birth, which has been suggested.

Do explain why it is so important for a woman to dictate to her husband when his mother is allowed to see his baby. No there isn't a reason is there. I absolutely accept she wouldn't want his mother in the delivery room, although some women do. When I had a home birth I told the midwives that if my mother came in the room I was leaving. She did put her head round the door a couple of times but was ushered straight out (to be fair to her she was only offering refreshments as they had been with me for 15 hours) but no way was I giving birth with her in the room. But afterwards she obviously met baby, MIL wasn't far behind her either. My mother was doing the childcare for older children so she was in the house, MIL could have visited if she wanted to but she wasn't that keen on childcare.

When we second grandchild was born I saw him before the mothers mother as I was doing childcare and arrived with their other child, said hello asked how she was, admired the baby and left. Fortunately the trauma doesn't seem to have damaged any of them unduly.

Thread not threat, Freudian slip?

OP, I too would be fuming and getting anxious.

Your DP needs to understand this: childbirth is an intense, scary (before you've actually don it!) experience that comes with a list of risk factors. To be dictating to you like this and causing you more anxiety about this with the MIL situation is disgraceful. How selfish can anyone get? "not to use the fact I’m the one giving birth to get my way “ Oh! that small issue, the issue that you’ve been pregnant for best part of a year and you are the one experiencing pain to bring your child into the world, oh just that!

Id sit him and down and very clearly tell him in no other words- that you are allowed to choose your birth to be as you would like it - a reason midwives asks the mum for her birthing plan- wants, needs, hopes- and funnily enough- not the dad! You are happy for him to call MIL once baby is born and come straight to hospital (or whatever you would like) but not before. If he breaks this promise and she turns up, you can refuse her entry and make an awful scene all round and he’ll look an idiot at causing this. Nurses will ask you if you want certain people in the room, and you can refuse her entry. Ask fi this is what he really wants, or actually finally will buck up and listen to whatever you want to happen (and apologise for causing you such stress at this time) .

IMO the problem here lies with OP's DH. He should be supporting his wife at a time like this, and trying to make the whole process as stress-free as possible for her. If she wants her mum around straight after, I can understand that completely. Obviously she will be closer to her mum than her MIL and may not feel comfortable with getting to grips with breastfeeding, stitches, whatever, in front of her MIL whereas she would be fine with her mum. And by the way I have daughters and sons so I can see both sides....

And the cold hard fact is, until that baby has been born, what happens in that hospital room is 100% on the OP's say so - not her husbands, not the grandparents.

Basically the DH needs to grow up and realise his job on that day is to look after his wife's needs and not anybody else's. Personally I wouldn't want anybody other than my DH at the hospital until it was all over but that's up to the OP.

Finally this As an aside, we can't agree on a name either (we each have one favourite an don't like each other's choice), and now I'm terrified about trying to have that discussion with him really worries me. OP the fact that you are 'terrified' about having a simple conversation with your H suggests bigger problems in your relationship than just disagreeing over a name, or over who sees who after the birth. It doesn't seem like your H has your back

OP I would tell your husband you don't want anybody, including his mother, to know when you're in labour.
That you want to just announce the birth and then see how you're feeling and then decide when YOU are ready for visitors.
You never know what the labour will be like, what time of the day it'll be etc.
Grannytomine is totally out of order, no baby of mine would be taken off to meet granny in the corridor, they will bloody wait like everybody else! Her DIL must love her!

Are you having a boy by any chance OP???

Then beware because you will be that MIL someday!

Crikey, lucky you to have the choice.

My own mum died years before DDs were born and my DP's mum although adoring of the kids never offered any help at all, not even to babysit.

So unfortunately OP you sound incredibly ungrateful to me.

Tomodachi I too will be a MIL to a DIL (or two) one day. My cunning plan is to be as nice and helpful as possible to her and to never dictate what she should do with regards to her own children.

That's the theory anyway....

Oh gosh, it sounds like your DH is more of the issue here. I'd call DMIL and speak to her directly, maybe meet for coffee, and explain that she's more than welcome to wait in the cafe (you can't stop her coming) but that you're unsure when you'll be ready for visitors, therefore she might prefer to wait at home for the call. If she still wants to wait, then let her, don't worry about it, her choice. As for DH, make it clear you expect him to be in the room with you not updating his mum. If not, make plans for a second/another birth partner.

DMIL clearly wants to help out, so ask her to do the really valuable role of collecting your mum and visiting together, and how much that would really help you out, and you'd be so grateful etc etc.

On the names front, you don't have to have a name yet, I think you have about 6 weeks to register the birth (although do check that!). You might have to both ditch the favourites. DH and I have the same with our (not yet born) DS, we both have names we like but the other doesn't. It's really hard.

At my hospital they wouldn't let you take baby off ward to be shown off anyway. The babies have an electronic tag and must stay with mum at all times. When I went to toilet I wheeled them in their littlebed with me unless dp was there and watching them. When discharged tags taken off and you are sort of escorted off the ward. You have to be buzzed in/out etc as do all visitors.

OMG this is the most odd thread ever. When we have children we are supposed to equip them with all they need to make their own way in the world, as ADULTS. Especially when they have partners and children of their own.

We are supposed to be there when they need us, and do everything we can to enable their relationships to flourish happily, independent of us. Not push in where we are not wanted, trying to get as high up in the pecking order as we feel is our right. We don't have any rights as far as our children and their relationships are concerned. We need to wait to be asked.

You mothers of boys will have so much of a more rewarding relationship with your DILS this way.

I haven't RTFT but I've seen your update and it seems to me that your dh has watched too many soap operas and has no idea what actually happens when people give birth.

It usually takes a bloody long time. Had my MIL sat in the cafeteria the whole time I was in labour then she would have been there for over 30 hours. Also hospital cafeterias are often closed at night.

The only place she could sit would be A&E. I've sat in A&E at night. It's usually full of drunks. And police who want to arrest aforementioned drunks but have to check they don't have a head injury too. At one point (then) baby ds and I were moved out of our cubicle into a special room and instructed to lock the door. There was then a large amount of banging and crashing and shouting. I later discovered (because I eavesdrop) that a well known, regular violent patient was on his way in and they we're worried that if ds started crying that it would make things worse. I really wouldn't advise A&E.

FWIW when I had dd there was a point (31 hours after my labour started) when dh did need support and couldn't get it. But he wouldn't have been able to get it even if my MIL had been in the cafeteria. I had had an EMCS and then hAemorraged. They couldn't control it and eventually screamed "get the husband out of here" and dh was sent back to the delivery room with dd. It was hell for him. But even if he'd phoned his mum and got her to come she wouldn't have got in as they only answer the bell if they are expecting someone (as we discovered when dh helpfully went to get all my stuff out of the car just after I was admitted and 90 minutes later I emerged long enough from my G&A filled haze to wonder where he was - poor bloke!) Plus even if they answered the bell they wouldn't have let her in as they don't let random mothers in unless they are instructed to. And I like to think that dh wouldn't have interupted the 10 staff members frantically trying to save my life to ask them to let his mother in!

Ifmyourmdhnis someone who really wouldn't cope in that circumstance then you need to have a second person in the delivery suite. But that needs to be someone that you choose as you need to be very comfortable with (or you won't relax and so will be much much more likely to hit complications) sort ably your mum / sister / best friend.

Sorry who but that has nothing to do with it, IMHO... My dad died before my children were born. But that wouldn't make me think somebody else was 'lucky' to have a dad who was being a complete PITA.

he's insisting on telling MIL when I first go into labour

The news that you are in labour is your very private medical information.

A person who would divulge that information against your express wishes is not a good person.

I'm totally serious about this.

I repeat my advice to get another birth partner.

This is not how a decent man who loves you acts when you are facing something as dangerous and frightening as your first childbirth.

He is treating you as an incubator here, not a person.

Abudive behaviour often firsts manifests itself during pregnancy.

Please be safe and tell somebody is real life (your midwife?) about how he is bullying you about your labour.

I will never understand why some mothers-of-sons don't want their sons to grow up and have their own family, where they put their partner's / children's needs first. Surely that's the endgame of raising children?

workhouse will you be my MIL please?!

Have you said to him that you want your mum to meet the baby first? I think you've acknowledged that it's not just about wanting your mum for yourself but that you do want her to get to see baby first. My dh would probably respond to that by becoming irrationally defensive of his mum. And he probably would say stupid unreasonable things like insisting she was at the hospital during labour if he thought she was being made to feel second best. Ifthat's the case, tell him what you said in your reply here.

As a mother of son's, I fully expect to wait till I'm invited. As someone who loves and respects my dh I can see how he'd be hurt if I said I wanted my mum to meet the baby first.

I will never understand why some mothers-of-sons don't want their sons to grow up and have their own family, where they put their partner's / children's needs first. Surely that's the endgame of raising children?

I know, life would be so much simpler.

Thanks for the feedback. I've tried to explain to DH how I feel but he's insisting on telling MIL when I first go into labour and on her waiting in the hospital cafe throughout. He actually turned it into an argument and told me that I can't use the fact that I'm the one giving birth to try and control every aspect of it and dictate who is and isn't there.

Yes you can, actually.

And if he's going to think that he has the right to overrule any aspect of what you want for the labour YOU have to go through, then maybe you should make it VERY clear to him that you can indeed dictate exactly what you want, that that is the NORM, and tell him that if he can't be supportive then you're very sorry but you won't be able to have him there either.

A labouring woman labours best if she is unstressed, confident and at ease.

Your midwives will be more than happy to support you in telling him that he's not even allowed in the room if that's what you want.

Yes, that is the way is works - because the bottom line is that the best way to make labour as safe a process as possible is to have it organised so that you feel at your best. This is about safety and health. You ARE calling the shots. For some very good reasons.

Is he going to be disappearing for pep talks, meals and soothing whale music while you're left alone?

this made me very much

I have 6 sons and 1 daughter.
so I'll be second important 6 times.
how nice and fuzzy that makes me feel already

My daughter very nearly grew up with separated parents and with no siblings because of the trouble they caused.

yep, same here, do you see them now?

Lucille you may be right that I am projecting but one thing I've learned from MN (I wasn't a member then sadly, so had no support) is that my situation is by no means unique or even unusual.

same here, i nealry had break down, had other stresses too as well we nb, it was an horrific time.

I have no daughters. I have every sympathy for the OP.
I would hate to stress any mother to be with this nonsense and I'd tell my son to get a grip.