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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBUto think it's actually more impossible to work full time with teenagers than younger children?

377 replies

bbcessex · 18/03/2015 17:44

Just that really. I work (more than) full time; I have a high profile role in my area of specialism.. I work long hours, I travel, I have a lot of tight deadlines etc. I am fortunate because I can to a large degree dictate my own schedule, and I can work from pretty much anywhere.. I have very much a role measured on success rather than input (although it needs a lot of input to be successful).

I've seen a number of threads on MN recently that have made me realise that maybe I'm not alone in thinking that it actually gets harder to hold down a demanding job when your DC are older...yet every headline or article on the 'working mum / parent' front seems to centre around availability of childcare / cost of childcare / guilt about 'leaving' your children etc. etc.

I've never once seriously thought about cutting back or stopping work before; but my DC are 15 and 13 now and I'm currently dropping the ball in numerous areas.. none of which I've done when they were younger and it IS all child-related stuff.. I've always been fortunate enough to be able to pay for the exact sort of childcare I wanted.. but now - I don't really need 'childcare' and I should be experiencing some 'freedom' at this stage - or at least I thought.. but looking back, when then most stressful part of my day was getting to the nursery by 6om and getting them into bed by 7pm, I'm thinking that those were the golden years!

AIBU to think that actually - it's much, much harder to work long hours in a demanding role when your DC are revising / taking exams / needing you to push them / arrange tutors / challenge them / cajole them / threaten them! / console them.. none of this can really be done by a childminder / nanny / third party..

AIBU? or am I doing it wrong? HELP!

OP posts:
stayathomegardener · 18/03/2015 17:49

I am with you.
I don't know the answers though.

Original poster
bbcessex · 18/03/2015 17:53

shame.. stayathomegardener.. I could definitely do with some answers right now!!!

OP posts:
flora717 · 18/03/2015 17:54

My parents did none of that Pushing / cajoling. I have a respectable range of qualifications. I could have done with some emotional support from them though. I don't think you need to feel guilty about this.

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland · 18/03/2015 17:56

You're right. There's a lot of focus on these issues with small children but in my experience it does get a lot harder when they are older.

They have their own interests and hobbies - and need to be got to these.
They have exams - and need support in whatever form.
They just need you there more. Not exactly for cuddles, but they do need to be able to chat, tell you any problems, woffle on about their day, etc.

I'm self employed and reduced my hours a bit when they were in about Y9 at school. However, they are more expensive than when they were smaller, even taking the lack of childcare costs into consideration (or at least ours were, with expensive interests).

There's no easy answer, though.

SantanaLopez · 18/03/2015 18:00

Gosh I wish I hadn't clicked this... that's me a SAHM for the next 17 years Shock

MsShellShocked · 18/03/2015 18:00

Not up to that stage yet, but working when DC are in primary was way harder than when they weren't at school.

And I dropped lots of balls then.

NCIS · 18/03/2015 18:00

I didn't do the pushing/cajoling etc plus didn't have any sort of childcare once the youngest was 13. I provided emotional support and helped if asked.

Sometimes they had to accept they wouldn't get lifts and had to make their own way to places by public transport as they did to school from aged 11. They all managed to get exam results ranging from excellent for the older two to average for the youngest who has SEN.

I was used to this with my parents so naturally carried it on.

operaha · 18/03/2015 18:00

definitely. I'll reply more later but working 40 hours with one at gcse and one at a level and one in older primary is way harder than when they were little. so much more stressful and guilt for not having enough time to support all their studies.
Wine Thanks Brew

MsShellShocked · 18/03/2015 18:01

Yes, childcare for pre-schoolers is easy. School age is much harder.

littleomar · 18/03/2015 18:03

I suspect you are right. My oldest is only 8 but I'm already wondering how it will work and considering whether that might be the time to change jobs so I can be around.

gonegrey56 · 18/03/2015 18:05

I made a conscious decision to prioritise my dd's wellbeing and school life after she hit 13 - and was around much more for her in the 5 years prior to University. Time so well spent. I am just about back on track professionally now. But the investment was so, so worth it.
It is really not easy. I think much depends on how self-sufficent and robust your children are, and whether there are alternative "supporters" you can call on. I did not have that option.
Good luck to you - I know how tough it is.

Original poster
bbcessex · 18/03/2015 18:06

Thanks all, I'm glad it's just not be being rubbish at parenting.

I'm quite interested in those who haven't pushed / cajoled.. my DS would be fine with that but my DD (Year 10) is absolutely awful. That said.. I wonder how it would be if there wasn't the mum/dad safety net?

OP posts:
GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 18/03/2015 18:13

I agree with you. My 12.5 year old seems to need me a lot more than he did when he was 5. He often comes home from school in a kind of crisis mode.

olgaga · 18/03/2015 18:19

Once when I said that my then 12yo DD (now 14) seemed to need me more than ever I got lots of Confused and comments that made me feel pretty stupid.

But I do think they need much more emotional support and practical help re school between 11-16 - possibly longer.

All children are different, but I wanted for my DD what I didn't have and would have loved, and I'm pleased I did. I'm an older mum and was financially able to scale down my career when she came along.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 18/03/2015 18:24

Tbh I think that work gets in the way of family life.
Its always a dfficult balance.

ReallyTired · 18/03/2015 18:30

I think that working with children between the ages of 8 and 12 is difficult. They are not quite old enough to be left alone for long periods yet it is hard to find paid childcare for that group.

The early years are physically more tiring, but teens are challenging in a pychological way. It is hard with teens to know when to let go and allow them control of their own lives.

softlysoftly · 18/03/2015 18:33

I really wish I hadn't clicked this thread!

findyourbacon · 18/03/2015 18:38

Oh no! There I was assuming (hoping) that things would get easier when they got older Sad

bigbluebus · 18/03/2015 18:41

I have said many times recently that DCs are a lot more work and worry as teenagers than they ever were as toddlers.
I am a SAHM but the amount of input I have had to give to DS (18) over the last 12 months with selelcting Unis to visit, Uni Open Days, Personal Statement advice, student loan application etc is something I would not like to have taken on if I had been working.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 18/03/2015 18:41

I find parenting my teenagers more difficult than my younger ones and more stressful, but not more time consuming

In fact as they've got older I see them less and less! Obviously they still need me but between school/college/friends/girlfriends/revision sessions/sports the number of hours I am physically with them each week is a lot less than the younger dc

Holepunch · 18/03/2015 18:51

I agree with you. It's easier as they get older on a practical basis. They make their own lunches, do their own laundry etc, if you choose to manage family life that way, but they need you around much more than they did when they were tiny.

A young child is happy enough left with GPs or CM to tend to their every need. When a teenager needs you they need you , whether that's for emotional problems, to chivvy along with school work or simply to pass on some good news.

FT is possible if it's a 9-5 kind of job because they can look after themselves for an hour or so after school but a (what I call) a proper job, not so much.

stealthsquiggle · 18/03/2015 18:51

I am with you, OP, in that less things can be outsourced - they go from needing someone to needing you. However, the times at which they need you are more flexible and easier to fit around a core working day, and to an extent you can be there virtually via Skype / instant messaging when travelling.

Whilst the emotional support needs to be you, I think there is still room for outsourcing, though. An au pair with a driving licence, for example, would solve a lot of the taxi-driving requirements and leave you to focus the time you have on the stuff which really, absolutely does have to be you.

I find that email/ text/ phone is enough to keep my 12yo out of crisis mode for a few days if I am away or he is boarding (which he does 2 nights a week) but sooner or later he does need time, face to face.

I think you maybe need to rethink your work pattern. Instead of the flexible days you might have needed while the DC were younger, you now need full on "working days" and free evenings.

harryhausen · 18/03/2015 18:52

I could have written a post very similar to yours OP, although my dcs are 10 and 7.

I'm self employed, very over worked, very right deadlines, my income is measured by my success. However I work from home.

When my dcs were babies and toddlers I had boundless energy. I used to skip off to music classes, baby gym, nursery rhyme time etc etc. I had childcare 3 days a week, but fairly short hours. The rest of the hours I made up in the evenings, weekends - sometimes working all through the night.

Now I'm 10 yrs older and I'm utterly utterly exhausted. The dcs are great, they amuse themselves a lot of the time but every day I'm doing 3 or 4 car trips dropping off at Scouts, Science Club, Netball, Brownies, Homework, etc etc. Scouts doesn't finish until 9pm! Dc loves it and it offers great adventures though.

I feel much more mentally and physically exhausted than when my dcs were little. I don't know if it's because of what they are doing, what I'm doing, whether it's because I'm 10 years older or because this tiredness has been 'in the bank' and it's just catching up with me.

hippoinamudhole · 18/03/2015 18:52

I think parenting teenagers is harder than parenting small children no matter how much you work or not as the case may be

Fannydabbydozey · 18/03/2015 18:52

you are not alone. I feel the same and mine are only 11 and 9. They seem to need me more and more and I really feel like I'm not properly on top of everything...

I don't know what the answer is either. There seems to be a bit of a working mum crisis among my friends at the moment. Most of us would like to work less and be more flexible and it just isn't forthcoming from our employers. Unfortunately, this is currently frowned on, despite being really popular with old bosses.

I love my job but I love my family more and we can't afford for me NOT to work as I'm the higher earner. In this day and age why oh why isn't there more support and flexibility.