AIBUto think it's actually more impossible to work full time with teenagers than younger children?

[bbcessex]

Just that really. I work (more than) full time; I have a high profile role in my area of specialism.. I work long hours, I travel, I have a lot of tight deadlines etc. I am fortunate because I can to a large degree dictate my own schedule, and I can work from pretty much anywhere.. I have very much a role measured on success rather than input (although it needs a lot of input to be successful).

I've seen a number of threads on MN recently that have made me realise that maybe I'm not alone in thinking that it actually gets harder to hold down a demanding job when your DC are older...yet every headline or article on the 'working mum / parent' front seems to centre around availability of childcare / cost of childcare / guilt about 'leaving' your children etc. etc.

I've never once seriously thought about cutting back or stopping work before; but my DC are 15 and 13 now and I'm currently dropping the ball in numerous areas.. none of which I've done when they were younger and it IS all child-related stuff.. I've always been fortunate enough to be able to pay for the exact sort of childcare I wanted.. but now - I don't really need 'childcare' and I should be experiencing some 'freedom' at this stage - or at least I thought.. but looking back, when then most stressful part of my day was getting to the nursery by 6om and getting them into bed by 7pm, I'm thinking that those were the golden years!

AIBU to think that actually - it's much, much harder to work long hours in a demanding role when your DC are revising / taking exams / needing you to push them / arrange tutors / challenge them / cajole them / threaten them! / console them.. none of this can really be done by a childminder / nanny / third party..

AIBU? or am I doing it wrong? HELP!

I so agree. When my two were young I only once had a day off work and that was when DD2 had an op to reset a broken arm. I worked 40 full-time, commuted 10 hours, studied for two masters degrees and ran a youth club (which my two attended). I was a single parent and had the best ever childminder.

Once they got older it was so much more demanding. DD1 was getting bullied at secondary so had several meetings at the school, a look around for alternatives etc. DD2 didn't seem to like school much so more visits to school. No childcare for teenagers so had to be much more fixed on the hours I could work. At the same time, my father became ill so there was that to deal with on top of childcare. I had to reduce to part time for a while (still a single parent so only one income).

And as stealth says, the emotional support required is just so demanding. Not being asked to dance at the prom, being chucked by first boyfriend, friend fall outs, the hormones.... Geez I am so glad that phase is all over!

My parents took me to fairly few activities and homework was not a big deal. My children go to loads of activities and homework is a full on event every afternoon. I am not convinced my children will be any happier or more successful than I was/am. We may be doing Common Entrance and I say 'we' because it might as well be me too. Again, my parents were happy for me to do this, but didn't get that involved. I think it's a bit like house prices, the more everyone gets into it, the more the whole thing heats up. Years ago, I managed to do very well without my parents getting at all excited (as far as I know).

Maybe the solution is to try a bit of 80's parenting and just don't do all the extra stuff and see how they turn out?! Who is brave enough to give that a try though! However, that's in terms of hovering over the homework and facilitating clubs and activities. I do think teenagers need to be supervised and this is the difficulty as I wouldn't be happy to leave them to their own devices (of which they have several). If by the time children are teens, grandparents are still willing/able to help, maybe that's an option but if it will be possible, when the time comes I think I would like to keep an eye on them myself.

P.S - my mother was always in the house in the afternoons. Which I resented at the time!

I am going through teenager problems atm. It's difficult. I am present for a lot of the time but that itself does not always seem helpful! Good luck with it all.

I have not found it difficult. However my DCs are pretty self sufficient, my DH is around to give lifts after school or to help with HW if asked and I have never done anything that even vaguely resembles parenting, so was always unlikely to start just because DCs hit 13.

Whether they do homework, revise for exams etc is entirely up to them. I do however make sure they have comfortable environment in which to work, the resources they need to do the work and access to tutors, revision courses etc if they feel they need extra help.

I haven't worked since having dc, but found/find after school until bedtime my busiest time.
They couldn't have done half the extra curricular and enrichment they have if I was working during this time. With all 3 having hobbies they take serious they needed me to be able to transport them around.
I think it depends what you want and what your children need, tbh.

I have never done anything that even vaguely resembles parenting - Brilliant. We don't often get such honesty here on MN

henny- I was the same. I had little support as a teenager, my parents had no idea I was bveing bullied so badly at senior school- so much so that my self confidence was shattered even when I was offered a place at medical school at 17.
The thought of moving to a new city when I was feeling at such a low ebb was unthinkable, instead I opted for a lower science degree close to home.
Again my life turned out "OK", but I feel I could have been a high flyer if my parents had taken more of an interest in my emotional life or helped me with the transition to medical school.

I too feel that I have missed out on opportunities had my parents been a bit more hands on during the teenage years.

That is why I am so intent on being a rock for my teenage kids.
I don't cajole, preach or push, I am certainly not a "helipcopter " parent, but if my kids need a shoulder or support then I am here.

Agree with everyone else . Having a younger child was a lot easier (for me) - as said earlier in the thread, you could pay someone to babysit/provide holiday care etc etc. And my DS was in bed, asleep, by 7pm everynight until he was 8 or 9.

The emotional needs of a teen are so much more demanding and how can you possibly get a 'babysitter' for a 14 year old . Yet leaving them alone for more than 3-4 hours just doesn't sit comfortably with me.

And yes, I will admit that I 'cajole' and 'encourage' the homework/tutoring etc - because I genuinely think it is a lot harder than when I was young and coasted my way through O & A Levels and university. And I don't want my DS living at home for ever. .

Have to admit that I've never taken dd to an after school activity. Actually she did brownies for about a month and that's it. She's 13, nearly 14.

I never ask her about her homework. Her teachers tell me at parents evening that every bit of homework is handed in on time.

Sometimes I feel I ought to push her a bit more, see if she can do homework to a higher level, etc. but she seems to be doing ok.

I think you have to manage your children's expectations- if you work full time that means that housework has to be equally shared, if they want to do clubs etc they get themselves there and back unless the lift fits in, and first one home starts dinner (weekly menu on the wall). Homework help is on request, emotional/ career counselling is available until 11.30 pm only cos we all have to get up in the morning.
I found that a workable approach to schoolwork was 'I trust you to get on with it. I do not want to see your homework diary. If you want help, ask. But if I ever go to a parents evening and get a less than glowing report I will take a closer interest in your homework than you will enjoy'.
If you are trying to micromanage your job and your kids lives no wonder you are knackered!

I think it really depends on the child. DD is very independent with schoolwork and doesn't need any input (in fact she actively resists any parental involvement). She is very academically able so I don't need to worry about exams etc as she doesn't get stressed, takes everything in her stride. It will be harder with DS (now 12) who probably will need much more support.

The hardest thing about parenting teens for me is that it can be emotionally draining - DD is a bit of a drama queen and can be difficult in many ways (just not in school-related ways - her class tutor described her in her last report as the epitome of the model student - I'd love to know how her teachers bring out the best in her when I cant). She will be weekly boarding with a host family when she moves to lycée (senior high school) in September and although I will miss her I imagine that my stress levels will halve ;)

and also our own expectations of our children? I think many parents are so keen for their children to do well they sign them up for nearly everything. I would have loved to have done some extra things when I was a child. However, I don't think it ever occurred to me to ask and it wasn't offered. Now, many parents (myself included!) have the children signed up before they have even expressed an interest.

Good lord. Scary thread. My mum never chauffeured me to a single 'hobby'. When I was 15 I got a job and I cycled five miles there and back. She never saw my homework planner. I was a straight A student. I'm now a recently widowed 34 year old parent of two tiny daughters. I work, I run a house and I raise them. I don't sit around waiting for anyone else to solve my problems for me because I learnt some bloody self reliance as a kid. And thank god I did. So I will not be micromanaging my kids as teens or ferrying them everywhere (we have buses or taxis at a pinch). They will know my door is always open though.

I did a lot of activities as a teenager (swimming, choir, piano, clarinet, orchestra, Guides, dancing) and I think the only one I was driven to for the sole purpose of driving me there with any regularity was Guides (and even then Mum alternated weeks with another parent) - I used to get the bus to everything else, apart from piano (was around the corner) and swimming (Mum drove but that was because she was going swimming as well). I can't imagine ferrying my teenage children around to things that are accessible by public transport, once they're old enough to use it.

That's the thing that's so hard though grobags. How can you door be always open if you're working in the sort of job OP describes?

There are times when you have to say sorry, can't talk now, see you when I get home at 8pm, when the moment's passed and they no longer want/need to talk but the issue hasn't gone away.

I agree, I have come home from work today and I feel exhausted from everything I have to juggle. I have two kids aged 9 and almost 15. I work 4.5 days per week on average in a stressful job with deadlines and have been a single parent for the last 3 years, this year feels the hardest. I have no family locally.

I am very lucky that I can work school hours but then there is the after school activities for my youngest, my sons after school revision clubs to collect from, regular medical appointments for my youngest.

On a teacher training day for my eldest recently I received a call at work from a woman calling on my sons mobile to say she had hit him with her car whilst he was out on his bike, luckily he sustained minor injuries but it was a very frightening experience all round and a very worrying car drive to get to the accident scene. His hobby is cycling, he loves the freedom it gives him, it tends to give me grey hairs with worry, I realise it will probably be worse when he learns to drive.

I have to work and can't be at home for every school holiday and teacher training day. With two children at different schools thats 10 teacher training days a year never mind school holidays.

I never ask her about her homework. Her teachers tell me at parents evening that every bit of homework is handed in on time.

I was a straight A student.

That's great - but I am sure there are a quite a few of us who have to deal with teachers phoning home regarding homework not done, detentions, lazy, unmotivated teenagers etc etc .

It's easier to say 'don't bother to encourage them' but I don't want to have an unemployed adult living at home for the rest of his life.

grobags- you may feel differently when your girls are teenagers.
I guess many parents of teens like myself thought they knew all about the teenage years because they were once a teenager. We now see things differently.

Being a child once yourself does not give you insight into being a parent.
Only having young kids gives you no insight into parenting teens.

leedy= that really depends on your public transport system though doesn't it. My DD does 10-12 dance classes a week which would take her several buses and a 3 hour round trip.
Or a 10 minute drive.

I would rather drive her so she can spend her time on homework when she is not dancing.

gabsdot... .. a friend of mine is in Ireland and reminded me recently of the 3 month summer break.. gave me palpitations !

It's good to see other people have similar experiences, but also to see other perspectives on the thread.. I do think I am probably too much of a soft touch (ha - I shan't let my team see that ) . My DC do need to learn to understand boundaries more. That falls to me to set them I imagine.

They probably are micro-managed. I could try to move away from that to some degree, although not all. DD in particular does need monitoring / managing and I can't risk leaving her to her own devices.

missymayhem I am going to have to train them to pick up some of the slack.. they are spoilt - I don't mind spoiling them - I actually like it very much - but I want them to appreciate that they are spoiled (hmmm.. maybe asking a bit too much there).

I think on the whole though that I need to organise my work more rigidly. To be the level I am, I pretty much need to be available almost of all the time and prepared to get the job done. The ability to work at any hour has huge advantages, but it's become working at ALL hours, and that's not working right now.

atumbra I completely agree.. both my DCs do sports that have them training hours and hours each week.. especially DD.. her evening sessions finish at 8:45pm 3 times a week and are a 35 / 45 mins drive on the motorway.. DH and myself juggle it.. there's no way she could get there herself and even if she could it's too late to be travelling home.

I don't want my DC to miss out on opportunities because I work unless it's absolutely impossible to manage it.

atumbra and henny to you both by the way.. I sometimes also think of what I could have achieved with a little support when I needed it growing up x.

bbcessex- that's my point.

"I can't imagine ferrying my teenage children around to things that are accessible by public transport, once they're old enough to use it."
leedy thinks they should just get the bus.

Like you bbc I want to support my DD in the activity she does to such a level. I see that as a good thing.

OP - I am so glad you started this thread. This is something I have been thinking about a lot in recent years. My dd is not a teenager yet - she is only 9 - but I do feel things have got harder in terms of juggling being a mother and working.

When she was little I was lucky enough to have very good childcare and I never felt guilty about leaving her. Since she started school, I feel more and more that she really needs me, rather than a child minder, nanny or other career. Not just to supervise homework, taker her to activities, etc but also to provide emotional support. Maybe it also depends on your child's personality but it's pretty clear to me that she will really need me for quite some time.

It's not an issue that is discussed very much. Perhaps it should be.