AIBUto think it's actually more impossible to work full time with teenagers than younger children?

[bbcessex]

Just that really. I work (more than) full time; I have a high profile role in my area of specialism.. I work long hours, I travel, I have a lot of tight deadlines etc. I am fortunate because I can to a large degree dictate my own schedule, and I can work from pretty much anywhere.. I have very much a role measured on success rather than input (although it needs a lot of input to be successful).

I've seen a number of threads on MN recently that have made me realise that maybe I'm not alone in thinking that it actually gets harder to hold down a demanding job when your DC are older...yet every headline or article on the 'working mum / parent' front seems to centre around availability of childcare / cost of childcare / guilt about 'leaving' your children etc. etc.

I've never once seriously thought about cutting back or stopping work before; but my DC are 15 and 13 now and I'm currently dropping the ball in numerous areas.. none of which I've done when they were younger and it IS all child-related stuff.. I've always been fortunate enough to be able to pay for the exact sort of childcare I wanted.. but now - I don't really need 'childcare' and I should be experiencing some 'freedom' at this stage - or at least I thought.. but looking back, when then most stressful part of my day was getting to the nursery by 6om and getting them into bed by 7pm, I'm thinking that those were the golden years!

AIBU to think that actually - it's much, much harder to work long hours in a demanding role when your DC are revising / taking exams / needing you to push them / arrange tutors / challenge them / cajole them / threaten them! / console them.. none of this can really be done by a childminder / nanny / third party..

AIBU? or am I doing it wrong? HELP!

you remind the three people to eat, to get dressed in a timely fashion, to clean their teeth, to put on their shoes, to find their coats, to remember their bags....

Look, I know you're going to shout me down for being smug, but quite a lot of us don't do this! (And if they do forget something I am heartless and sympathise but don't actually do anything about it.)

A lot of posters on this thread are dealing with specific SN or MH issues. (And yes I know that MH issues can arise and are particularly hard to deal with in the teenage years, not least because of the lack of CAMHS provision - I write about this stuff for a living.) But there are also a fair number of teenagers just getting on with their lives; using their friends increasingly as their emotional sounding-board; coping with stuff sometimes OK, sometimes badly; and generally not being the chaotic nightmares that need reminding even to get a sodding toothbrush out.

I don't think it's that it's harder, it's that it is still hard but in different ways, at a time when we'd previously believed things would be getting easier.

You don't really need to remind them to eat/get dressed/wash etc and if you do and they don't, that's thier look out but you do still need to deal with the school, go to watch sports/music events but mostly deal with the emotional chaos of being a teenager. Some suffer that earlier/later than others and some apparently sail through, but when it does happen it usually happens in a way that means you need (or want) to drop everything else and it is you , not the CM or a loved GP who needs to be there. e.g.

I do get asked where the tights are in the morning, and asked for my opinion of dd1's outfit sometimes.

But I honestly can't remember the last time I had any part in thinking about what they needed to take to school, or whether they'd brushed their teeth or whatever. They're massive: they know to sort these things for themselves now!

(although I do occasionally get texts asking if I could possibly bring an English book to receptions by third period . To which I sometimes reply 'sorry am at work now' and sometimes not.)

who said chaotic nightmares? But kids do forget stuff and I do see it as part of my daily routine to remind them. To be fair, they're actually better than my husband who IS a chaotic, forgetful nightmare.

Hell, I need reminding of stuff too... far too much going on to keep track of everything. I have lists and lists, I work full time as well as a hefty commute and I run my own business too. I also write for a living. I have reminders scribbled all over the place. I'd love someone to remind me to do things, I'm always playing catch up. I really don't see it as a problem that I remind my children of their daily commitments. School and life is MUCH busier than when I was a teen. I wafted about. They really do have to be super organised. I feel sorry for them in a way.

I don't think you're smug for not doing it but I prefer a quiet life and really don't have the time to deal with the fallout of a forgetful child.

I prefer the even quieter life of not doing it, and leaving any potential fallout to them. (I'd rather focus - going back to the OP - on my own job and the multiplicity of freelance deadlines I have to meet, and chasing recalcitrant interviewees and re-editing copy that obdurate clients have sent back and trying to remember what bright idea it was that an editor has decided they want after all. )

I think largely the people who don't do any reminding have children who don't need reminding . If you have a teenager who won't bother to go to school if you don't push them to get up, get dressed etc then it's not the child that gets fined / prosecuted is it ? It's the parent.

outtolunch, I have a friend who's going though exactly that. She works p-t. On the days she's at home DS1 goes to school. When she leaves early he's still in bed when she gets home. There are all sorts of issues there and she, her DH, the school and doctor are all trying to help, but to say to her just leave him to it, isn't helpful.

The reminding is something that takes about 2 seconds though and I have for some of the children reminded them. We look at the kitchen calendar just before bed and if it's PE or music the next day they or I make sure what is needed it out. The time involved in that - about 2 seconds a day - is not enough even for the laziest of parents to think you need to sacrifice a full time career for

It's not the time you take to remind them that's an issue for me, it's having the headspace to remember to remind them when I am also working full time in a demanding job.

I leave them to it most of the time, and usually it's fine.

Although now we are having mad panic to organise ds's work experience this summer because he didn't take the initiative himself.

Our DC don't require organising or reminding but that is a family trait. My DSIS' family is a nightmare of crap logistics and constant reminding. She was always like that and my DM and I ran around her when she was a teen trying to avert disaster...

But I think it might help produce a child who 'doesn't need reminding' if it's clear from early on that they do need to take age-appropriate responsibility for things.

Yes that's true , I don't remind about sports kit , music lessons etc thats there look out and largely I leave homework to them , might test them if asked . It I would chase on bigger things like going to school etc

I'm not sure! My DP and his DF and DSS2 have such a strong "organised" and "on time" gene that it is fascinating to observe (they also have incredibly good genetic spatial awareness).

My DSIS is late and chaotic and her PFB is just the same.

I think I am organised and on time (and I am) but DD thinks I'm the late last minute member of the family. She has her father and brother's inclination to do everything in plenty of time - she does her homework for the following week right after school on Friday whereas I would happily leave it until Saturday...

kids are different, people are different. Some are super organised some aren't. I doubt its the 'reminding' that people think of when they debate whether or not to work full time with teens. It's much, much more than that, obviously.

Oh, I wish I was perfect.

Champagneandcrisps I read your post yesterday evening but didn't get a chance to reply.. that is so tough for you.. I can't even imagine how hard it must have been to get the Tourettes diagnosis.

I did nod in recognition at your post about DD not brushing her teeth.. the older mine have got, the quicker '2 minutes brushing' seems to have got.. and I do still have to remind to brush..

I may stop reminding and let them smell.. it's a distinct possibility after the crappy day I've had with them. In fact.. I actually may stop reminding them of anything (that doesn't have lasting impact).

I know I said I am conflicted with parenting and work, but actually a 6 month secondment in Singapore is looking pretty tempting right now :-)

DS1 (14yo) almost missed the bus last week because he came back to brush his teeth

However, it's not that that makes me reluctant to take on the big f-t job I thought I'd have by now, it's just needing/wanting to be around for this part of their emotional development, which although I didn't expect it to, now we're there seems just as, if not more important than the early years.

Good luck bbcessex. Just go with your gut instinct (whether it is Singapore or not) and do whatever works.

Take my hat off to Champagneandcrisps.

Thank you for those positive messages! Was a bit scared to come back on.

I think it's just that you expect that there will be more independece from teenagers, when you have young kids. And there is. But there's also a lot of emotional input and support that goes into teens. With or without complex diagnosis.

I'm not sure how different things would have been if Tourettes hadn't happened to us. Maybe I would have stepped back more, but I'm closer to my kids as a result of it, because we've had to strengthen our bonds.

I was struck by someone further up who said something like it was her teenage years that she remembered her parents being there for her - even though they were obviously there when she was young. I think that's true, and recognise that in my own memories of teenagehood.

My dad still shudders if I ever say "where's the hairbrush/keys/tights"?

I think it's also fair to say that teenagers are amazing creatures! so funny, so opinionated, so different from us at that age - but yet so similar. For me the teenage years are the best yet, none of the physicality of small children and more of the nice bits/fewer tantrums etc. It's a different challenge, and their problems are much bigger than when they were little children.

Agreed, Yolofish! I have far more 'Wow, look, amazing new people!' moments with my teenagers than I ever seemed to have time for with teenies.

And my three are not, generally speaking, the world's easiest bunch.

I have lists pasted up by the door -what activities for what day for whom.
If they ignore that then they deal with the consequences, I am not a full time PA for my family!
I do talk to DD about emotional issues, but I don't hassle her about homework, she has one of those desk organisers/notepads with a week to a view and she uses that - we have occasional forgetting but nothing major.

I have to admit that I am a soft sap - if they have forgotten something and text me in a panic more times than not I will take it in. but that's very rare now... I will also give them a lift 9 times out of 10. the only reminder I give in the morning is "has everybody got everything?" - teeth, clothes, is my hair straight enough today? etc is their call, as is organising their own lives.

But, I work from home, my time is totally flexible etc, and we live rurally so public transport is pretty dire, expecting them to rely on it, particularly for afterschool stuff which finishes at eg 8pm when it's dark is not something I want them to do (I know there is not a paedophile round every corner, but a mile walk with very narrow pavements and no street-lighting to get to the bus stop after hours is not relaxing for me!!).

I'm kind of the opinion that as long as they appreciate what I do for them, and they could do it themselves if they had to, then it's ok to give them some help when I can. I know I'm lucky, mine are easy teens (although DD1 in particular was a HIDEOUSLY difficult small child...) so it's easy for me to enjoy these years, even with the sometimes complicated logistics and teenage pressures of emotional angst that arise!

yy lancelottie, my toddler years (well not mine but theirs!) were pretty much nappies, tantrums, firefighting, tantrums, having to take the kitchen sink with us when we went out plus 95 changes of clothes, fussy eaters, blah blah blah. give me a stroppy teenager any day!