AIBUto think it's actually more impossible to work full time with teenagers than younger children?

[bbcessex]

Just that really. I work (more than) full time; I have a high profile role in my area of specialism.. I work long hours, I travel, I have a lot of tight deadlines etc. I am fortunate because I can to a large degree dictate my own schedule, and I can work from pretty much anywhere.. I have very much a role measured on success rather than input (although it needs a lot of input to be successful).

I've seen a number of threads on MN recently that have made me realise that maybe I'm not alone in thinking that it actually gets harder to hold down a demanding job when your DC are older...yet every headline or article on the 'working mum / parent' front seems to centre around availability of childcare / cost of childcare / guilt about 'leaving' your children etc. etc.

I've never once seriously thought about cutting back or stopping work before; but my DC are 15 and 13 now and I'm currently dropping the ball in numerous areas.. none of which I've done when they were younger and it IS all child-related stuff.. I've always been fortunate enough to be able to pay for the exact sort of childcare I wanted.. but now - I don't really need 'childcare' and I should be experiencing some 'freedom' at this stage - or at least I thought.. but looking back, when then most stressful part of my day was getting to the nursery by 6om and getting them into bed by 7pm, I'm thinking that those were the golden years!

AIBU to think that actually - it's much, much harder to work long hours in a demanding role when your DC are revising / taking exams / needing you to push them / arrange tutors / challenge them / cajole them / threaten them! / console them.. none of this can really be done by a childminder / nanny / third party..

AIBU? or am I doing it wrong? HELP!

I gave up work when mine were 5, 11 and 13. It just became impossible
And blah blah blah why the woman etc
I was the only one that really, really cared enough to do that

Yanbu. I'm working FT while I have a young family but am very much planning to go part time when mine get to high school.

I am glad I found this thread.

I have been thinking about this for some time, now - I had assumed that my parenting role would be starting to take a back seat now- but the reverse seems to be happening. Things were a lot less demanding when my children were younger.

Goodness; hurrah, I'm not on my own and going mad then.. thanks all for the and

Enjoyingcoffee - I see your point; I can think back and understand just how relentless small children are / how mine were when they were small.. (that's why I worked ;-) ) .I'm sure there is a lot I have forgotten, I guess the main thing is that then, I could pay the right person to occupy / entertain / have fun with them so I could lessen the guilt / nagging doubts.

I can't do that now because I know in my case, it has to be me or DH.. and some things he and I are more suited to, so some of it falls to me and some to him depending on what it is. I guess it's just hit me like a tonne of bricks to be honest.. it's getting harder and I didn't expect it..

I have 2 teenage DC, this year we are on GCSEs and A levels.

I have always worked full time, I go out at 8am dropping them at school if they want a lift and get back between 5 and 8pm depending on how busy I am. DH when working in the UK is out from 7am to 6pm. They have been coming home alone since Y7 and are more than capable of looking after themselves and cooking their own tea etc. Tonight for instance DH is not due home before 11pm and I was scheduled to go and visit a friend straight from work, this was cancelled but by the time I got home they had both cooked their tea and are just now clearing up.

I am lucky that they are both driven with school work and on target for top grades and uni, I have never pushed school work but both DH and I are around for support, even if that has to be over skype or imessage at times. We try to sit down together each evening for a chat and I am pleased with their independence.

They both do activities outside school most nights and I do work around these commitments to provide transport where I can. Having said that DD2 asked for a lift at 5pm on Thursday as she wants to stay behind at school, I can't rearrange my day at short notice, so she will ask a friend for a lift.

OP I believe if I was to helicopter parent in the way you describe my DC would rebel or at least tell me where to go.

I am not sure if it harder, it is different. They do need me home more than I expected. My parents had nothing to do with me or my education in my teens, I doubt if they even knew what A levels I was taking.

I have found that my work pattern has changed over the years depending on the kids ages.

When they were little I worked 3 (till DD was 2) or 4 days a week. They were at nursery and/or primary school. I also had a nanny pick them up from school and they were at home when I got there.

Now they are teenagers, 13 and 17, I work 5 days but make sure I am at home 2 days a week when they get home from school. I find this makes a big difference and we get to sort problems, do homework, go shopping etc on these afternoons. I still use childcare on the other 3 days, but the nanny is also cleaner/housekeeper so she cleans and does the ironing when she is here. She will also feed them if needed. It is lovely to get home to a clean tidy house each day.

School holidays are easier though. As all they want to do is chill and sleep, I will still go to work when they are off.

pilchard my parents didn't push me either, I coasted and haven't achieved a thing. Mum said I was clever (so did the school) so she thought school would do it all. She later said she realised she'd been a bit naive and should have taken more interest in school work.

I totally agree , much easier to work full time when they are little.Mine have needed me a lot more and my eldest has had some mental health issues which really brings you up sharp and makes you realise how much they need you .He was fearsomely independent but ultimately it wasn't enough ,hopefully we have turned the corner but as someone higher up the thread said, these things come completely out of the blue sometimes.

We have very poor public transport so very difficult for them to get anywhere without us or their brilliant grandparents giving us lifts .Plus life has changed for teenagers from our day , parents are more involved and teenagers share more , more concerts , trips , extra curriculars etc plus the world is a more complex place .

This is certainly food for thought...

As a parent of young children I can't see how them learning to self care, entertain themselves, be safe when alone and not need to talk 24/7 can possibly be harder than this!

I wonder if "working fathers" experience the same level of angst about this subject...doubt it.

YANBU. It's all very well to say it should come from within and be self-driven but it's the kids who don't have that self-drive (and many don't) who can really benefit from extra support at home. Otherwise it can be up to six years of coasting. I notice among DD's peers (14), this is the time when their parents really ask for help from grandparents, even if they previously had formal childcare arrangements. Those who roped the geandparents in for childcare duties when the kids were younger often don't get it though.

Hmmm.. many PPs have the same opinion that they weren't pushed or supported as children.. maybe there is something in the 'original parents' style perhaps. My parents were not concerned about or involved in any aspect of my education; hence I didn't get one... I did obviously turn things around eventually but completely independently.

PowerMum.. I think you may have a point that I'm too involved, although my DC seem to expect it rather than want me to back off.. I do fear what would happen (especially with daughter) if I wasn't involved.. is it really okay to give them the opportunity to screw up GCSEs etc. as a life lesson? I'm not sure I could do or would want to do that.. but I do agree I need to start trying to get them (her) to be more self-motivated and independent. It's not in her nature though, but I think we will try and formalise that more.

I think more structure is needed here. Work life and DC life are blending into a sticky mess...

bluebananas I would have totally argued the same 12 years ago!!! time does make the mind go blurry, I'm sure... all phases are hard in different ways (I know that really!).

I agree. Even from a childcare point of view it becomes more difficult. They seem to expect a yr7 to be able to come home from school alone until parents come home from work.

I gave up a career I loved as a midwife as I just couldn't be there for my dc once they went to secondary school.

With all dc at school I work in an office 9-3 so that I can be there for them. Aside from the help with study and lifts to activities (which they couldn't have done if in after school childcare) it's nice to be there for them.

I do find each stage has it challenges though. Imagine working full time or shifts in those sleep deprived first few months.

I long for the days when families could survive on one income and a small part time job to boost incomes. My parents, my dad is self employed and worked/works long hours and when we were at school my mum worked Saturday and one evening a week to pay for holiday swimming clothes etc. not for bills just for extras. Now if a woman or both parents working it's usually because housing costs are so high they need both salaries for bills.

I've thought a lot about this and have decided that I'll continue to work part time until my youngest has left school.
One of the main reasons is that here in Ireland secondary school holidays last for 3 months, June, July and August and I couldn't leave teenagers alone all day for 3 months.

Hhmmm is this like when you have a newborn, and you've had 3 lots of 30 mins sleep and the baby isn't putting on weight and you don't know what to do when the baby cries for 2 hours straight... And your friend (with older children) comes round in the daytime and looks at (temporarily) sleeping baby and says "ah, it's so much easier when they are little" .....

Im on maternity leave & going back part time - I dont ever envisage going back to work full time, unless it's for last few years to boost my pension.

I think children always need their patents whatever their age & each life stage brings it's own demands.

It's always going to vary, all children and parents are different.

YANBU. It's all the running about that I had much more control over when they were younger. DS used to have swimming lessons once a week. Now he is a club swimmer and needs hauled along to various pools 4 times a week plus galas several times a month. He also rows twice a week, plus occasional races and has various other activities before school necessitating early morning lifts to the train station. I'm dreading DD getting much older and deciding, for example, that she wants to live at the local stables instead of just having her controlled by me weekly lesson.

Bluebananas I don't think the OP was implying that it was harder to be a SAHP of teenagers than of babies/small children - clearly it's not. Sleepiness nights from worry do not equate to that all consuming exhaustion caused by the sheer relentless nature of looking after LOs.

However, as PP including the OP have said, you can, if you can afford it, pay someone to do a lot of the most exhausting aspects of the small person stuff, which is largely (not totally, obv) about being there and doing the necessary physical stuff. Whilst there are aspects of parenting teens that are possible (if not easy) to outsource, such as the taxi driving, and potentially the actual tutoring/cajoling, it's not possible to do that for the sheer amount of emotional support and gentle kicks up the bum that they need.

You could find a balance OP. As I said my parents gave 0 input to my schoolwork, which meant I chose my GCSE's and realised I needed to choose relatively low resourced ones.
If you supply the necessary materials, if you ask to see their completed homework (a friend's parents did this I was very envious) quite regularly then you're not sat getting them to do it (hopefully they then learn the time skills) but you ARE offering them input, feedback.
If you also set aside a bit of time for them as individuals a week then I think they will thrive just fine, you'll be 'in touch' and they will hopefully have just the freedom to develop some skills they need for self motivation.

I think we need to remember that the world our teenagers are growing up in is a very different place to the one we grew up in.

Although I was left to my own devices as a teenager I am not sure that is an adequate tactic now.
The big wide world hit modern kids hard and fast, with the advent of social media and access to so much information and social pressures they do need help to nagivate themselves safely.

I am acutely aware that my teenagers look to me as an anchor, to help them navigate though the choppy waters of adolescence.

My parents both worked very long hours at demanding jobs when I was growing up. I did no extracurricular activities until I was old enough to get myself there, I had virtually no input from parents on schoolwork or university/ career (although they paid a lot of money for my education). I cooked all my own meals (mostly unhealthy and slapdash, with a hefty dose of snacking which has not helped my weight as an adult and is a difficult habit to break). I had complete freedom to come and go as I pleased, no bedtimes, no curfews. Surprisingly, I turned out pretty well- I have a happy marriage, 5 years of university education- my parents pat themselves on the back!

However... instead of turning out 'pretty well', I could have been something outstanding if I had had more parental input. At 17, 18 I didn't have a clue what the world had to offer and I missed so many possibilities. I dearly wish someone had been there to guide me more, to put a bit more pressure on me to study, to support me more in general. I remember my teenage years as being somewhat lonely with me living quite a separate life from the rest of my family. I really would have loved to have someone at home when I came in from school as a teenager, someone to ask me what school work I had, what my plans for the week were, maybe someone to cook a healthy meal occasionally.