AIBUto think it's actually more impossible to work full time with teenagers than younger children?

[bbcessex]

Just that really. I work (more than) full time; I have a high profile role in my area of specialism.. I work long hours, I travel, I have a lot of tight deadlines etc. I am fortunate because I can to a large degree dictate my own schedule, and I can work from pretty much anywhere.. I have very much a role measured on success rather than input (although it needs a lot of input to be successful).

I've seen a number of threads on MN recently that have made me realise that maybe I'm not alone in thinking that it actually gets harder to hold down a demanding job when your DC are older...yet every headline or article on the 'working mum / parent' front seems to centre around availability of childcare / cost of childcare / guilt about 'leaving' your children etc. etc.

I've never once seriously thought about cutting back or stopping work before; but my DC are 15 and 13 now and I'm currently dropping the ball in numerous areas.. none of which I've done when they were younger and it IS all child-related stuff.. I've always been fortunate enough to be able to pay for the exact sort of childcare I wanted.. but now - I don't really need 'childcare' and I should be experiencing some 'freedom' at this stage - or at least I thought.. but looking back, when then most stressful part of my day was getting to the nursery by 6om and getting them into bed by 7pm, I'm thinking that those were the golden years!

AIBU to think that actually - it's much, much harder to work long hours in a demanding role when your DC are revising / taking exams / needing you to push them / arrange tutors / challenge them / cajole them / threaten them! / console them.. none of this can really be done by a childminder / nanny / third party..

AIBU? or am I doing it wrong? HELP!

No, I think it gets easier. It probably depends on the teens but mine could completely look after themselves by about age 14. Much, much easier than young children.

They can dress themselves, wash their own clothes, feed themselves, shop for food by themselves, clean up after themselves, tidy, hoover, stack the dishwasher, take a shower, read books, study, play computers games, go out with friends, catch a bus and even go to work by the time they're fifteen or so.

But all children need your time and attention so it's just about getting that balance right.

My babies are still pre-school, so I am dreading this. But a lot of what seems to trouble you all is stuff my parents just didn't do; clubs, exam prep, ferrying around, visiting universities - it's all stuff I either did myself, or just didn't happen. Yes it was bloody hard, and at times I resented my parents for not being hands on but when I got to university I sailed along, got a great p/t job, and had fun while my contemparies put washing powder in the tumble dryer, called home for money and ate toast for the first two years.

I just think as parents we expect so much of of ourselves at every stage, and in my experience (as a teenager), none of that was necessary. What I needed was to learn to be independent.

No, YANBU, OP.

My DC are year 7 and 11 - so DC1 doing GCSEs and DC2 started secondary school just last September.

I absolutely agree with PP about them needing you to be there, albeit in the background more than primary school for support, guidance and the logistics of being an older, more independent young person.

I work part time, term time and since DH works away during the week I don't think I could cope with longer hours at the moment.

And yes, teenagers are obscenely expensive.

Have some

I feel differently. I have three teenagers who are fairly self-sufficient and as they've got older I feel I've been able to step up with my career.
I have to say I'm not of the cajoling school. Show you're interested, show you care and leave them to it.
Ultimately it's up to them to make a effort with their studies, and often nagging can backfire. They need to be able to manage their own studies/lives (in my humble opinion - fully accept that I may have just been lucky and also that we're not out of the woods yet re GCSEs/A-levels! )

A PP makes a good point. My Dc are young teens and I'm approaching 50. Maybe I'd be old and worn out exhausted no matter what, in "nature" we're probably supposed to be more or less done with this parenting lark by now.

I agree with you op but I also think it's a good point that stuff like exam prep and uni applications were really not parental territory when I was young

I also never got driven anywhere !

However on an emotional level I think teens really really need you to keep an eye on them ... I can't see how anyone can parent effectively if you are not home until 7 for example ... Not if it's every night

Basically I think modern life sucks - nobody has proper work life balance and I think we all need to be bolder in creating a society where more and more people can work part time

This needs lower living costs though

Another one with you here.

I have found parenting my teens (and in particular, DD) way more difficult than the newborn to twelve stage. I worked part time from when DS was born (and DD was 18months) till he started at secondary. I am lucky to have a very local job and am generally home about 4.30, otherwise I would not have been able to cope at all.

YY I am sure this is true.
When they are little as long as they are fed, cared for etc it's all good really.
Older they get the more emotional support they need, to talk stuff through anf whatnot.

Mine are only 8 and 6 but the 8yo needs me more really than the 6yo as she is trying to make more and more sense of the world around her IYKWIM.

Our longer term plan is that hopefully DH can find a part-time job so that he can be there more as / when they get older. I do not wish to cut my hours or anything I am higher earner and really enjoy working.

But yes it is an issue.

But at 8 and 6 they are still young children. OP is talking about fairly independent teenagers, aged 13 and 15. That is a very big difference.

I totally agree- thought it was just me!!

I have two teenagers and find there is more running around to do than ever.

Between them they have 17 hours of extra curricular activities a week., dance, Duke of Edinburgh, study clubs, gym clubs, visits to the theatre, dance exams, drama rehersals, private tutoring, careers nights etc.

From 3.30 onwards I am a taxi service and cook, juggling various activities with drop offs and feeding them. OH doesn't get home until 8pm so is limited in what he can do.

I could let them get on with it- as my parents did they would expect me to get buses and work out my own schedule, and probably pay for it too.

But I see how much my kids benefit from the input I give them- however it is very costly and very time consuming.

Yes sure what I mean is even at 8 I can see how this will pan out in terms of needing more, in terms of parental support, as they get older, and hence we hope that DH will be able to find a part-time job in the next few years so that he can be around more when they head into and hit their teens.

Apologies for lack of clarity.

yanbu. I foolishly used to think I'd be full time when the kids were teens. no way is that going to work now. It's hard enough now they're Y1 and Y3 . The plan is, support them through senior school, get them to uni then work full time.

Mine are 7 and 3.5 and i'll continue to work full time for another 3-4 years but when my eldest goes to secondary school i'll hopefully drop to PT so I can be around more for homework and that sort of thing.

I collect the kids about 6.15pm and get dinner on for me and DH so I don't properly sit down till after 7pm. I'm just to knackered to do extra homework with my yr2 DS and I don't want to be like that come secondary school ages

oh, and nursery childcare was a doddle. open 52 weeks of the year, no holidays to cover, no projects, no homework. so simple!

With respect, I wonder whether, with the passage of time, you have forgotten quite how utterly consuming young young children and babies are.

What has been mentioned... Uni open days, emotional comforting, cajoling to study... Is not quite the same as the relentlessness of caring for young children. Ok, if you are lucky, as I am, they go off to sleep at 7pm sharp, but that is at the end of more than 12 Hours of CONSTANT care.

My GP said that he feels being run down is a very bona fine condition that hits about 95% of mothers from birth to 6.

Plus, when you put them in nursery, at the back of you kind is the never ending reports on how the Early years are so formative on personalities etc. you don't have that worry when arranging childcare for older children,

bluejelly- I am not the cajoling type either. But having a teenager who is passionate about something can eat up a lot of time and resources. I have 14 year old who does 10 hours of dance a week. I would love her to rein it in a bit, but it is her driving the passion.

I had post-natal depression and anxiety and hated hated hated looking after small children. It was the worst stage of my life.

But for them, as long as they were fed and cuddled and safe then all was rosy.

As they get bigger, it is not enough that they are fed and cuddled and safe, there is a complex world to navigate with all sorts of social rules and relationships and stuff that they need to learn. So they need more support, of a different and more involved type.

I agree with OP, as mentioned mine are still pretty small but I see where it's heading and hence we are making plans (which may well not come to fruition!!!).

I don't have a teenager.

But my parents never cajoled, arranged tutors, bribed, threatened.

It was very much up to me to do the work if I wanted to get to university. Same with all my peers.

That's the point though Enjoying, if you're working FT, someone else does a lot of that relentless stuff when they're young. I used to collect DC about 6:30, already fed. All I had to do was get them bathed and to bed and the house was just as I'd left it in the morning, so nothing much to do there either.

Yes, there was always the guilt about not being there for them, but that doesn't go away as they get older.

Ubik there is the other stuff though, I was a dire teen and would have benefited from more support from family (which I didn't get) so there's all that stuff.

Mind you in my day we didn't tell our parents anything ever and I don't want to be their best mate but hopefully they will tell me stuff like, I don't know, if things are upsetting them at school or whathaveyou and I can try to help.

And just being around isn't it.

I've not forgotten the early days and you're right it's not the same but the issues with teens are often less time consuming but just as tough.

It didn't feel like the things I could screw up were as major when they were tiny, it was all simple routine stuff - dull and draining but simple nonetheless. When it changes to things like dealing with eating disorders, smoking, career choices, emerging sexualities, bunking off, stealing, scrapping, exam pressures (all of which I've either had with mine or friends have had with theirs) the stakes seem so much higher and these things seem to happen out of the blue so you're always trying to watch for warning signs that you might later kick yourself for failing to spot.

pilchard- I agree. Ubik may feel differently when her own children are of teenage years.

I dind't get any support for all that stuff when I was a teenager- but I would have fared better and set my sights higher if I did get that support.
My 14 yo DD already has 140 UCAS points towards University application. She could not have done this without my support.