AIBUto think it's actually more impossible to work full time with teenagers than younger children?

[bbcessex]

Just that really. I work (more than) full time; I have a high profile role in my area of specialism.. I work long hours, I travel, I have a lot of tight deadlines etc. I am fortunate because I can to a large degree dictate my own schedule, and I can work from pretty much anywhere.. I have very much a role measured on success rather than input (although it needs a lot of input to be successful).

I've seen a number of threads on MN recently that have made me realise that maybe I'm not alone in thinking that it actually gets harder to hold down a demanding job when your DC are older...yet every headline or article on the 'working mum / parent' front seems to centre around availability of childcare / cost of childcare / guilt about 'leaving' your children etc. etc.

I've never once seriously thought about cutting back or stopping work before; but my DC are 15 and 13 now and I'm currently dropping the ball in numerous areas.. none of which I've done when they were younger and it IS all child-related stuff.. I've always been fortunate enough to be able to pay for the exact sort of childcare I wanted.. but now - I don't really need 'childcare' and I should be experiencing some 'freedom' at this stage - or at least I thought.. but looking back, when then most stressful part of my day was getting to the nursery by 6om and getting them into bed by 7pm, I'm thinking that those were the golden years!

AIBU to think that actually - it's much, much harder to work long hours in a demanding role when your DC are revising / taking exams / needing you to push them / arrange tutors / challenge them / cajole them / threaten them! / console them.. none of this can really be done by a childminder / nanny / third party..

AIBU? or am I doing it wrong? HELP!

Thanks bbcessex. At least you are now able to give that support to your own children. I am sure they appreciate it and will in years to come too. x

Tonight I have dealt with,

GCSE French controlled assessment for tomorrow. Listening to my DD say each part. Bit panicky.

Lost work on the computer which led to lots of tears and me breaking out the Easter bunny!

A trumpet lesson.

A piano lesson.

A 12 yo with raging pms who was told she was fat by another lovely girl at school. She is a size eight.

It is a different kind of exhausting!

The easiest childcare years of my working life were the preschool years. Yes we paid a ton for child care but it was excellent, the children loved it, I could work full time.

School is a nightmare and because school can be stressful and exhausting for some children it is not always ideal to put them in afterschool clubs etc. I really juggled those years, tried various options, eventually cut back hours so I could mostly pick up frm school and supervise homework most days. Also I was able to get to know other parents, do favours for pick up etc, have children over after school.

Pre-teen/Teen years, I think you need to be there physically because of all the emotional stuff going on. Plus homework is a nightmare. If I worked full time I dont know how 2 out of 3 of my children would have gotten through the age 10-14years with homework. then the tutors music lessons etc.

Obviously if you have to work you have to work and many children are more adaptable than mine but I worked full time when they were little, built up my work capital and went flexible/work from home when they were older. I am glad I did it this way.

Notcontent I completely understand... the working parent of teens discussion doesn't ever really seem to surface does it..

I'm sure there is an element of child's personality in how the parent feels about the situation.. My DD certainly has a different personality to DS.. DS glides through life and long may that last.. I feel I get DD like no one else does, and as she's got older I just feel it's harder for her and that she needs me more (not in a particularly dramatic way - just that I feel I understand her and therefore I'm guilty that I'm not available more). She's absolutely fine, generally happy and has friends, so although I know I'm possibly beating myself up unnecessarily, I still feel it.

atumbra.. as long as there's petrol in my car, one of my DCs will be being ferried somewhere - probably even when they're a parent themselves!!

Good for you loveleopard. Sounds like a productive night.

Since 3.30pm I have picked up DD from school to take her to Duke of Edinburgh award volunteering position.
Picked up DS late from a drama rehersal ( sits a big exam next week)
They normally get the school bus-missing it means a long complicated bus journey.

Fed DS,
Took DS to chemistry tutor -Teacher at school has left halfway though a crucial senior year.
Picked up DD from volunteering position, dinne,r helped her with some French vocab she is struggling with.
Picked up DS
Took DD to a dance class
Helped DS with his CV and some job applications for summer work at his request.
Picked up DD from dance class.

I agree with you OP. I had 3 children in 4 years and I worked full time until my eldest was 10. I have always thought that the teenage years are so fraught with emotional difficulties, and to have a parent at home when a teenager comes home from school, I feel is so important. Even if it doesn't always seem that they want to engage with you. However, I appreciate that many people are unable to choose what they would really like to do when balancing work and family commitments. My youngest son even said to me that he felt around 14/15 years old, is the time when you could 'go off the rails' if you didn't have a parent at home.

Really fascinating thread on so many levels. Amazed at how much effort pp put into their children's lives/education. Makes me feel really hands off! I do take my youngest dd to music lessons once a week, she gets picked up from the odd party, and we discuss homework maybe a couple of times a week max.
But mostly she gets on with it (she's 15) but knows I'm there if she needs me. That doesn't mean necessarily physically there (I don't normally get home till 730pm) but always on the end of a phone/text.

bbcessex- but then I would ferry any of my family members if I could get them there quicker and not have them wait at bus stops- it's waht family does. I am sure you are the same.

If I dropped my car off at the garage and could potentially get the bus home- if it was a long complicated journey then my OH would naturally come to pick me up rather that have me wait out in the cold. I would do the same for him, I do the same for my mother- and my kids, they are no different.

I used to wake in the night to feed my little ones, it was tiring but I got cuddles and went straight back to sleep afterward, now I wake up ( while they sleep) and lie awake worrying about the many and varied issues that must be dealt with.

It's all very well advocating hands off 80's style parenting but it was OK when all parents did it, now it would definitely disadvantage.

I still haven't recovered from last Easter when DS2 had a bad accident necessitating three weeks in hospital many miles away at the same time as I was supposed to be supervising DS1's exam revision. Issues arising from that time are still taking up my time and I keep asking myself how We could have managed if we had both been working.

I agree too OP., my dses are 15 and 13 and I work part time pray from home. In lots of ways life has got much easie. But now they don't just go along with your plans unquestioningly, can't just be bundled happily off to granny. They have their own plans and ideas so organising anything becomes a logistical need nightmare sometimes. Also no forethought as to how their plans might fit in with or affect ours.

And oh god the texts! If they are out there are constant changes of plans and requests. It can be exhausting! But I adore having my delicious man/boys, they constantly amuse me.

"leedy thinks they should just get the bus."

Well, yes. Obviously it depends on the public transport, and it's not like I was waiting for hours in the cold rather than ten minutes in the car - we lived (and still live) in a city and most things were a not particularly arduous bus trip away. Also going on the bus meant I could listen to my Smiths tapes while reading Just Seventeen. (I was actually a reasonably good young musician - am now a probably less good old one - I don't think my lack of parental taxi particularly disadvantaged me)

Also both my parents worked and had four kids who all did music lessons, choir, orchestras, etc, it would have been actually physically impossible for them to drive us all to all of them.

I think there is a very difficult period from late primary-early secondary age (9-13/14ish) when kids start to develop their own strong ideas about childcare, holiday activities etc and often just want to be at home alone but aren't ready to be left for long periods. With hindsight that was the most difficult time-especially in the school holidays. Kids of that age also need a lot of emotional support.
Also for anyone in a rural area public transport is poor and after school activities not necessarily near enough to walk.
I was a social worker and saw a lot of hypocrisy at work with people whose own kids were home alone criticizing service users child-care arrangements.
Its much more straightforward with younger kids.

leedy- with respect you don't have teenage children.

My childless SIL is always the one to give me lots of childcare advice,

Being a teenager once doesn't really give you a real understanding of what it is like to parent one.

I agree that anyone thinking that older has easier is kidding themselves.

I've worked full-time as teacher since DD was 7 months old (out of the gate at 3.30., weekends free and endless holidays, you get the picture), but can vouch for the fact they become dependent in quite different ways as they get older.

Well obviously 'open door' does not mean being there every minute of the day. It means making sure kids know they are a priority but that sometimes you will need to orgainise a time later in the day to be there.

Honestly I don't understand why DC need to do four different out of school activities. It's crazy. As I said I'm a widowed parent. So I'm going to be doing it alone. So I have to prioritise. And I don't believe for a minute my daughters will lose out because I work in a professional role because I'll be setting them a fantastic example. They will know they come first, but they will also understand that doesn't mean I'm a taxi service.

Honestly - I work in graduate recruitment and the lack of initiative and problem solving skills demonstrated by young people today is horrifying. Precisely because no one ever made them get the bus or wait half an hour for dinner.

And yes I know I don't have teens yet. But millions of kids grow up just fine without piano lessons and just one overworked parent. So I refuse to believe it's not possible.

yes, yes, yes … full time working Mum of 2 teenagers, work from home too but still find it all enormously challenging.
When will I even find time to read this whole thread?

Oh it's possible- of course.

My DDs best friend does no out of school activities, lets herself in, makes her own dinner, rarely are her parents there to give her a lift.
She is a stable sensible kid who works hard at school.
She will grow up to be a fine adult.

But then my choice of supporting my DD with 13 hours of extra curricular activity is my way of parenting my teenager. I belive it to be in my DDs best interests.

I agree totally. We found dss much harder emotionally and time wise from yr 7 through to yr 11 than infant and primary school.

We have a plan for us as we also have dd (2) whereby when she hits yr7 dh will be just 60, work have a great redundancy package so once he hits near there and it's offered he will retire and I am to keep him in the lifestyle to which he is accustomed

I'm twenty years younger, we will be mortgage free and we are both now earning decent money so this should be manageable.

Obviously barring no disasters.

It's not just about extra curricular etc , it's about things like holiday care , yes theoretically my 13 year old is old enough to be left for short periods , but day after day for the school holidays , maybe not .But neither do they want to go to holiday clubs .

It's also about the fact that there always seems to be some crisis or other , teenage life if vastly different from the 1980s , the pressure to do well in exams , social media etc means that they do need support .But actually for me and many of my friends it largely about the school holidays , I am just not happy to leave my teenagers on their own to xbox or sleep day after day , they need someone around , at least part of the week to get things done.

It's also the relentless shopping for food. Making meals ( although they can all make themselves a meal) washing , ironing etc

The OP asked if it was harder to work full time with teenagers , not whether it was harder to parent them and it seems that a lot of people who are working and have teenagers do find it harder to work full time than they did with small children where wraparound care or home based care is easier to find

This is also my experience OP. We've luckily been able to afford to outsource most practical stuff always, but now my 3 are older it's ME they need, to support schoolwork and help them with emotional issues. Thank God I don't have to drive them to all the zillions of activities myself or I'd go nuts!

I find that school expects parents to support kids' work much more than my school did when I started secondary school. Not that we have to help them do it exactly, but my sons would never get all their projects completed if I wasn't there planning the schedule with them and reminding them to do it. And it's all very well to say they should just get on with it, but that leads to huge anxiety and stress for them which seems too

I work FT and have three teenagers.

I agree there isn't some golden era of 'done the work - no more need to worry about the kids' but I don't agree it's 'harder' or they need me more.

It's just different.

Babies and toddlers need looking after and micro managing 24/7. Teens need time, money, ferrying around, family laughs, bit of nudging with homework and revision and choosing options etc.

Kids and parenting goes through different stages is all but they need us at every stage and everyone has to keep adjusting.

I don't think this thread should put off any woman from returning to work - I think having career, money, independence, fulfilment out of the home has been absolutely key to my family working. Despite all the juggling, my kids are bloody great and above all else they are happy .

Staying at home is of course a legitimate decision too - I'm just saying to those that are freaked out by this thread, don't be! It's manageable - it can work.

See mine are 8 and 6 and this is my current nightmare. I genuinely believe I need to step back from work and be with them more. They need me - not 'someone' as they did when they were younger.
But but but ... if I step back at mid 40s how to I step in at 50 when they are a bit older and would that even work given all the discussion on this thread?
I could step back now financially but live abroad where going PT or flexible is just not an option. It's very much an all or nothing decision. So I am awake at nights churning on this at the moment. God I wish it was a simple decision.

this thread has came at such a good time for me!

am glad so many of you are being honest and not assuming all teenagers are great round the house and motivated with school

they definitely need someone constant around, for emotional support and guidance, I dont mean being at their beck and call, just someone to guide them a bit, make them a cuppa and listen to the school stuff.