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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be confused about wedding invite regarding baby

184 replies

sixtylicious · 18/03/2015 11:36

We have been invited to a good friend of DH's wedding in a couple of months, I am friendly with the couple too, and have been looking forward to their big day.

The invite arrived and stated that they are not able to accommodate children (which is fine, of course, their day), and that unless 'nursing a newborn' babies are not invited either. This is less fine, potentially because I am just being selfish, but our DD will be 3 months old at their wedding, and I do not want to leave her behind. In actual fact I don't think there is any option for us to leave her as I'm not sure my parents would want to be responsible for her, and I don't think I could bear to leave her even if they were keen.

Do you think a three month old counts as a newborn still? And does it matter that we'll be bottle feeding her rather than breast feeding?

I'd really value some other opinions on how I should interpret the invite and whether I should worry about taking along a three month old, before I get in touch with them to clarify.

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 18/03/2015 11:39

Yes, I think they meant 'all babies that won't need to eat solid food and take a place at a table - it doesn't matter how you feed your dc! Of course a 3-month-old is a newborn! Might be an idea to email the bride/groom and check with them though.

asmallandnoisymonkey · 18/03/2015 11:39

I think it's unfair to take her if you will be bottle feeding her - BF is different because nobody but the mother can do that - but FF, anyone can do.

How long will you be gone? If it's just an evening I think you're being a bit daft

blendedfamilygrinch · 18/03/2015 11:40

I'd count a 3 month old as a newborn tbh. And no-one else's concern how you're feeding her. Just be sure to take her out of any quiet parts in the service quickly if she starts fussing.

blendedfamilygrinch · 18/03/2015 11:42

But monkey if the OP doesn't have anyone to leave her very small baby with, how does ff/bf make a difference?

cathpip · 18/03/2015 11:42

I would read it as a breastfed baby, as any one can feed a baby a bottle of formula.

Original poster
sixtylicious · 18/03/2015 11:42

The wedding is a few hours away and all day/ evening, so we'd be away overnight, not for just a couple of hours. As I said, I don't think there is anyone I could leave her with anyway, so it'd be a case of me not going and letting DH go alone.

I am aware I might be being daft, I am sleep deprived and feeling quite emotional, 4 week old baby keeping me on my toes!

I am very mindful of not upsetting anyone's wedding and would remove myself and baby straight away if she was crying etc :)

OP posts:
pickles184 · 18/03/2015 11:46

I would just get in touch with them and ask as they may have different ideas to everyone on here. Do they have children themselves yet?

Perhaps if they really won't allow her at the ceremony/reception then could your parents look after her during the service?
If it it a non child friendly wedding then I would assume that the reception is best avoided if you can't be apart or don't have babysitting options.
For what it is worth I would have felt exactly the same way when dd was that age and in fact am still going to struggle at a similarly minded wedding in a few months when dd will be 30 months

diddl · 18/03/2015 11:49

I'd take nursing as being bfed.

It's unfortunate if you have no one to leave her with, but then like many people who can't find childcare, you'll have to decline.

HereIAm20 · 18/03/2015 11:50

I think you'll be ok. I would read it to mean they can't accommodate children who need a place at the table (and a £50+ meal to go with it).

miniavenger · 18/03/2015 11:53

To be honest, it sounds like they really don't want any babies or children there but they feel if the baby has to be there because they are reliant on the milk solely from one person then -begrudgingly- they'll accept it. They probably think anything over newborn is fine to leave with someone else. I don't think you both should go, I think it would probably annoy the b&g who really don't want babies there and possibly other non-breasting feeding mothers who've left at home.

You aren't being daft at all but I'd interpret that as a very firm 'don't bring your baby'.

I would probably get DH to RSVP by phone that he will be going but you won't be able to make it because the baby is too small to leave with anyone else yet. If they accept then you know that they really don't want babies there , if they say 'oh bring baby along anyway' then you know they will. Don't ask them directly if you can bring, they've made the invite pretty clear, but give the opportunity to make allowances if they want when your DH explains the RSVP.

Heels99 · 18/03/2015 11:53

I would assume it means you cannot go.

Lottapianos · 18/03/2015 11:54

I would read it as 'we really really don't want any children at our wedding, but we understand that you can't leave a breastfed baby'. I would suggest that you don't bring her. If you check with the couple, they may feel obliged to say yes.

Tritonsleftnipple · 18/03/2015 11:56

Yeah, I'd read that as only bring babies if they absolutely have to come. Yours doesn't absolutely have to come.

Original poster
sixtylicious · 18/03/2015 11:57

Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
ethelb · 18/03/2015 11:57

A three month old counts as despite the fact you aren't breast feeding they will still need to feed pretty reguarly. They may have just suggested this to avoid paying for children's menus (they are suprisingly expensive add-ons, the one for our wedding are costing more than the adult menus!). Your child doesn't need this so it is fine to take them.

eggyface · 18/03/2015 11:58

I'd likely not want to leave my 3 month old baby for the 5 hours in the evening anyway (but am big soppy face, I know others are more sensible) so i'd definitely bring her if I was going. I'd only be there until I fell over exhausted at 8.15 anyway, whether the 3 month old was there or at home!

toomuchtooold · 18/03/2015 11:58

I don't think it's selfish to not want to hand a 3 month old to someone else when she's only ever been cared for by you/DH, and that applies whether she is FF or BF Smile I'd have hated to do that. (And so would my kids - at that age DD1 went off like a fire alarm if she was left alone in a room with another adult.)

However it does sound like they might mean BF babies only, so if I were you I would turn down the invite in a slight huff ask for clarification.

ThursdayLast · 18/03/2015 11:59

I agree with Lottapianos

Sounds like the bride has been reading some of the threads on here in recent months Grin

pickles184 · 18/03/2015 12:00

If they have specified non nursing babies a well as children then they are referring to older babies as well as children who could eat a sit down meal.
As they are good friends of yours then just ask, they shouldn't take offence at that. It is their choice to not have children be there so hopefully they will be understanding that it will mean that some people can't make it.

viva100 · 18/03/2015 12:00

I read that as you can bring a baby along because they understand babies can't just be left with nanny/grandparents, we just don't want messy toddlers around. I think you can safely take baby along :) and I would absolutely never justify just exactly how the baby is being fed. Makes no difference to them whether you're giving baby a bottle or a boob. I doubt they'll even notice/care on the day if you bring her.
On a side note, I'm getting married next year, can't believe how selfish some brides & grooms are. It's a family event, not a club night, of course there will be children!!!! And if you're in your late 20s/30s you'll have loads of friends/cousins with small children who obviously can't come unless they bring their kids too!!!
You're not being selfish. Not at all.

TendonQueen · 18/03/2015 12:04

It's a bit unkind to make distinctions based on feeding method, I think (and I BF'd myself). I would think of it as 'babes in arms' ie, won't need a seat and meal, won't run or toddle around, and can be easily removed immediately if they make any noise - yours definitely fits that bill.

The other thought is that if it's an overnight stay, are you booking a hotel room at the venue? If so, it kind of gives you more freedom to deal with any issues as you could always retreat to the room with DD for a bit.

Sandbrook · 18/03/2015 12:04

I would read it as they don't want any babies/kids there.
But silly of them to word it like that. They should have just invited op plus DH & left it at that. Then you get in touch if you need to ask about your baby.
Personally I'd leave baby behind or stay away myself.

Original poster
sixtylicious · 18/03/2015 12:07

Some of the kind replies have got me in tears here! I'm feeling very sensitive and a bit lonely at the moment, the thought of doing something to upset the b&g makes me feel awful, but the thought of being apart from DD is worse, and I don't feel like 'anyone can give a bottle', she is my baby and I feed her, it is a special moment every time, even if it is a bottle not breast. Crying now about not being able to breastfeed as already feel like a failure for that! Damn these hormones!

OP posts:
Frikadellen · 18/03/2015 12:08

I would not have wanted to leave any of my 4 at 3 months old for several hours so no I don't think your being over the top or paranoid.

I would ask B and G and if they say no then send DH on His own.

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 18/03/2015 12:17

Sorry, to me that clearly reads 'breastfeeding babies', the rest of the reads 'really , really don't want kids at the wedding'. I myself probably wouldn't even take a breastfeeding baby, I think they are making a very kind allowance there, probably for a friend they know will be breastfeeding at the time but want her to be there.