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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be confused about wedding invite regarding baby

184 replies

sixtylicious · 18/03/2015 11:36

We have been invited to a good friend of DH's wedding in a couple of months, I am friendly with the couple too, and have been looking forward to their big day.

The invite arrived and stated that they are not able to accommodate children (which is fine, of course, their day), and that unless 'nursing a newborn' babies are not invited either. This is less fine, potentially because I am just being selfish, but our DD will be 3 months old at their wedding, and I do not want to leave her behind. In actual fact I don't think there is any option for us to leave her as I'm not sure my parents would want to be responsible for her, and I don't think I could bear to leave her even if they were keen.

Do you think a three month old counts as a newborn still? And does it matter that we'll be bottle feeding her rather than breast feeding?

I'd really value some other opinions on how I should interpret the invite and whether I should worry about taking along a three month old, before I get in touch with them to clarify.

OP posts:

SilverShins · 18/03/2015 19:57

Sixty, are you feeding your baby some form of milk? You are? Then brilliant, you are successfully feeding your baby. Well done

I felt bloody terrible when I didn't manage to breastfeed. Most people I know who've tried and it hasn't worked out feel like you do. But I don't now. My daughter is fine. Their children are fine. You are doing a great job. Give yourself a break

PrimalLass · 18/03/2015 20:00

Just take her. You could have decided to stop bf-ing the day before.

waithorse · 18/03/2015 20:01

Clarify with B&G, if they say no, then don't go. It's only a wedding, nothing worth getting stressed over.

PowderMum · 18/03/2015 20:02

OP - point 1 FF is not a failure, I was not able or willing to feed either of my 2 DC, they are both now healthy strong teenagers with very good exams grades, neither have allergies or anything else that the Daily Fail and other such authorities like to scare us with. I am sure in many cases breast is best, but if not then FF is a very suitable, tried and tested alternative.

Sleep deprivation is a pig, but you do have a lovely squshy baby to cuddle.

To me a 3 month old is a newborn however they are fed. For instance my SIL is bf her little one but also expresses and gives bottles when out as she is not confident feeding in all public places. Would that count or not? Do you have to whip out a breast to get your baby through wedding security. To me once babies hit 6 months ans start to wean they stop being babes in arms and can possibly be left IF you have the right person you trust.

Just get you DP to call

Dragonfly71 · 18/03/2015 20:03

^ this!!!
Plus, the b and g sound as though they don't have much experience of children and someone has ( not so) helpfully advised them of the wording! They don't mean anything by it I'm sure.

You are doing a brilliant job, totally normal not to want to leave a 3 month old with anyone!

calmexterior · 18/03/2015 20:09

B&G probably don't have much experience of babies - I certainly didn't when I got married. But I would say a 3 month old is very likely to need mum, because often their routine is still quite erratic, however they are fed. Explain this to bride and see if you and baby can come.

SASASI · 18/03/2015 20:11

Sixty I wouldn't be attending even if I did have someone to mind our baby.

YANBU

but neither are the b&g. If they don't want babies that's their decision & you might put them in an awkward position if another FF baby doesn't go - if that makes sense.

Hormones have a lot to answer for! Enjoy the newborn cuddles, I know this seems an issue at the moment but in a years time it won't be on your radar.

halfwayupthehill · 18/03/2015 20:13

I think they mean newborns and have assumed that most newborns bf.

Hillingdon · 18/03/2015 20:41

Being quite twitchy about young children at weddings... I think the b and g are trying yo be reasonable, however I will be honest. I don't think they will be welcoming to very small people.

Everyone says they will take their children out if they start crying but in my humble opinion they don't. And the damage is done - the video should they have one includes a crying baby

I would ask them and allow them to say they do to want small babies, you might have to decline.

GraysAnalogy · 18/03/2015 20:44

No-one ever takes babies out as soon as they cry. They always think they can try to placate them then by the time they've realised it's not going to happen, the vows are over and the video ruined.

I never took my own to weddings because I know how bloody temperamental they can be.

HighwayDragon · 18/03/2015 20:51

Nursing means being bf'd, you can't leave a bfing baby with someone else, you can leave an ffing baby. Whether you want to or not is a different matter.

HighwayDragon · 18/03/2015 20:51

Nursing means being bf'd, you can't leave a bfing baby with someone else, you can leave an ffing baby. Whether you want to or not is a different matter.

Hillingdon · 18/03/2015 20:55

It's not the babies fault of course, it's the parents who think all will understand. I didnt have any children (I think you can probably guess that!)

Tbh, a wedding with a bride coming up the aisle with a screaming baby just ruins what is meant to be a grown up ocassion. I realise not all think like this but it the day of the bride and groom - not lots of people who think they will be exceptions

clairemum22 · 18/03/2015 20:59

Hope your daughter sleeps better tonight, sixty, lack of sleep is a killer. I really struggled with the first few months, I panicked a lot! I was worried that ds would cry when I was out! Silly now, but I didn't feel silly at the time. Take care, and don't feel ad for not breast feeding, it isn't the be-all and end-all, and you feeding your daughter her bottle, is equally a special time for you both.

tiggytape · 18/03/2015 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 18/03/2015 21:04

I think its been written by someone who doesn't understand much about babies, or their care. As someone else has written 'nursing' and 'newborn' are not even ideas that clarify each other, but could mean totally different things.

I think the only way you'll work it out is to ask for more clarification.

Ps I was told by a nasty midwife on the post natal ward that I wasn't even allowed to speak to the breast feeding councellor as I clearly wasn't going to breastfeed and her time was too precious to waste on the likes of me (c section, poorly after, so in fact Precisely who they should have been supporting. Fuckers. Ds born on a Friday at 6pm, so I was just left on my own for the weekend, with two deeply unpleasant agency nurses for 30 women
:(

They gave my son a bottle without my consent, and I had to watch some other person feeding my baby for the first time. Total bitches and I'll carry the scars of that around forever. You're just as good a mum as someone who can breastfeed, you really are. And I'll come round with a stick to poke anyone in the eye who says otherwise xxx

Sophie44 · 18/03/2015 21:13

I would not dream of leaving my two (aged nearly 6 and 3) now, let alone at that age, overnight! YANBU. Personally, I would decline the invitation as you are likely exhausted with such a young DD but, if you do go, bring her too and say that she is too little to leave.

Hillingdon · 18/03/2015 21:21

Oh goodness, there are a lot of pfb' on this thread. To be blunt, the day is about the b and g, not anyone who for all sorts of reasons don't want to leave their children

If you do t want to leave them just decline.

mewkins · 18/03/2015 21:27

It's not pfb if you have no one who would willingly have a 12 week old to stay overnight and for a whole day. I am close to my parents and they see a lot of my two children but it would be a massive favour to ask them to have an 8 mo old overnight. They would do it at a push but I doubt they would enjoy it. at 12 weeks old it would have been a definite no and I can't say I blame them- who wants a night of broken sleep and a day of trying to keep a baby happy?

Toooldtobearsed · 18/03/2015 21:30

I think it is just the difficulty in wording the invitation, without writing reams of T&C's.
Nursing babies is just a way of saying little babies, not toddling chocolatey fingered horrors.

Take the baby, disrcreetly hold the bottle whilst distracting any onlookers by whipping a boob out. Problem solved.

Original poster

sixtylicious · 18/03/2015 21:31

Just to be clear I never suggested that it was unreasonable for them to not want babies there - I was just confused by the wording.

OP posts:

GraysAnalogy · 18/03/2015 21:32

Personally, I would decline the invitation as you are likely exhausted with such a young DD but, if you do go, bring her too and say that she is too little to leave

Thus putting the bride in a very uncomfortable position in what is supposed to be her day.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 18/03/2015 21:44

Oh gosh, totally off topic, I'm now stressing about taking our (will then be) 9 week old to a family wedding in the summer. Not mentioned on invite but not yet born, but DD is a flower girl. Will definitely have to sit at the back near the door and pray they sleep/feed during it all.

FWIW, I'd speak to the B&G and just say that you're unsure by the wording of their invite if your 12 week old baby is okay to be at their wedding or not. Then accept whatever they say. If the hotel room is the same as the venue, then I think it makes it awkward for you to stay while DH attends the wedding and possibly comes across a bit passive-agressive. But if it's elsewhere, then enjoy a little break and having a lovely cooked breakfast in the morning.

GraysAnalogy · 18/03/2015 21:46

purple I'm sure if they saw it as a problem they would have said. Especially with your daughter being the flower girl. Have fun and pray your baby doesn't cry

proceeding · 18/03/2015 21:52

sixty you didn't come across as thinking they were unreasonable at all.

Hope you're managing to get some rest this evening.

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