Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be confused about wedding invite regarding baby

184 replies

sixtylicious · 18/03/2015 11:36

We have been invited to a good friend of DH's wedding in a couple of months, I am friendly with the couple too, and have been looking forward to their big day.

The invite arrived and stated that they are not able to accommodate children (which is fine, of course, their day), and that unless 'nursing a newborn' babies are not invited either. This is less fine, potentially because I am just being selfish, but our DD will be 3 months old at their wedding, and I do not want to leave her behind. In actual fact I don't think there is any option for us to leave her as I'm not sure my parents would want to be responsible for her, and I don't think I could bear to leave her even if they were keen.

Do you think a three month old counts as a newborn still? And does it matter that we'll be bottle feeding her rather than breast feeding?

I'd really value some other opinions on how I should interpret the invite and whether I should worry about taking along a three month old, before I get in touch with them to clarify.

OP posts:
viva100 · 18/03/2015 12:19

You sound like wonderful mom, OP, definitely definitely not a failure.
And while I don't have kids myself yet, I absolutely understand that you can't just leave 3 months old with someone else.
This time with her is special and more important than someone else's wedding.
In my case, if this was a good friend of DP's, I would have him give them a call and talk to them about it. It's his friend and DD is his baby too so he needs to get involved here. He might choose to not even go himself without you and b&g should understand that that's what happens when you ban kids.

SuasSios · 18/03/2015 12:21

Maybe in passing, ask the B&G are many babies going. If there are a few going anyway, yours isn't going to make any difference. If yours is the only one, and you think it's going to make you uncomfortable, that's different.

If other babies are going, I think take the baby with you, and don't comment to anyone about how you feed her. If you nip up to your room to give her a bottle anyway, nobody is going to bang on the door to check. Or if you give her a bottle in front of others, and anyone asks (although really, is anyone going to be that bothered?), could you say she takes bottle feeds but is BF at night? or tell them to jeff off

Joyfulldeathsquad · 18/03/2015 12:24

Here's what you should do .....

Ask her Confused

dragdownthemoon · 18/03/2015 12:24

I would assume they don't want babies there. I'd reply and say sorry I can't make it as I dont have anyone to watch the baby. If they are happy for yur baby to come, they will let you know accordingly.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 18/03/2015 12:24

I think it's a term they've used to mean 'babies who drink milk'. Do they even know your baby isn't BF?

I think it's a clear invitation to you to bring her actually, but the fact so many other people think differently means you probably should double-check... But to me, nursing just means a baby who is still at the milk only stage.

missusdaly · 18/03/2015 12:25

I think the very fact that some people here are saying it'd be okay and some are saying it wouldn't means you should check with the MOH or MOB.

Technically a 'newborn' is until two weeks but again not everyone would literally mean newborn.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 18/03/2015 12:25

In the same way as 'babes in arms' just means a small baby which isn't mobile yet - not a baby that you literally can't put down!

PtolemysNeedle · 18/03/2015 12:25

It sounds like the B&G really don't want babies there, but are prepared to tolerate them if there is no other option.

You have no other option. Get your DH to ask the couple for clarification, if your DH is good friends with the groom then it won't be a problem just to ask. Then of course, you accept the answer graciously.

Samcro · 18/03/2015 12:26

if you can't take her
don't go. I wouldn't go some where that FF fed babies are not welcome( and doubt the invite means that)

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/03/2015 12:28

Personally I wouldn't contact them to ask - they've made it very clear they don't want babies there unless being nursed/BF, an then only under sufferance, which is their choice of course

Trouble is, no matter what you say or how well you put it - I don't have childcare / I'd take her out if she's noisy / I'm not happy leaving her / she won't need a place at table - it really comes down to asking them to make an exception for you; isn't it better to accept what's on the invitation as it stands or simply decline if you can't?

CocktailQueen · 18/03/2015 12:29

I think some people are being harsh here! OP is post-partum and in love with her baby :)

I couldn't and didn't leave mine for any length of time at that stage, and not till they were much older, but we had a child-free wedding before we had kids and I asked people to leave their babies behind Shock - can't believe how crap I was and how insensitive. I just didn't think.

specialmagiclady · 18/03/2015 12:31

I had this rule at my wedding and when friends didn't come because they couldn't bring their really small baby I felt so saaaad! I think to most people 3 months is very much still a newborn. They don't need catering, they don't get under people's feet, they mostly sleep.

Check with the b&G but I would think they wouldn't notice a baby of that sort of age at all!

rumbelina · 18/03/2015 12:32

Contact them and ask. They might be totally aghast that you thought you couldn't bring your 3 month old.

People's interpretations of nursing and a newborn vary so you do need to ask.

GahBuggerit · 18/03/2015 12:33

Not read all but if you want to go Id take the baby (Oh what a shame your childcare let you down and you didnt want to put them out by paying for a meal that will go uneaten Wink ) Not as if anyones going to demand you breastfeed it as proof and if baby gets fractious you can take it away to the hotel room and chill out. They aren't going to turn you away on the day and if the B&G are upset over a tiny 3 month old baby being there then they need to get a life tbh.

OR, what Id probably rather do, is wave DH off, and then gleefully skip back in to the house joyful that I get a whole day and night on my own Grin

Original poster
sixtylicious · 18/03/2015 12:34

I think I'll ask DH to say that DD and I can't attend as she is too young to be left with anyone. We've already booked a hotel as it hadn't crossed my mind that the baby would be an issue, but we can travel with DH and just spend the day exploring/ having a walk or something. I didn't mean to come off as precious or difficult, I was genuinely confused by the wording. Doubt I'd be much fun at the wedding anyway, I'm shattered.

OP posts:
miniavenger · 18/03/2015 12:35

OP you aren't a failure at all. Just get your DH to ring up and RSVP, that way you know exactly what they mean. They may really really not want kids there or they may well rush to say 'of course bring your baby' or they may well not- at least you know and that way you won't upset them or yourself. You can see from responses that some people think they mean it's okay if baby has no 'seat' and others think it's been too specific and means just breastfed so your best bet is clarification.

Tbh, I think 3 months is very young and a lot of people wouldn't want to leave them. If they do and can- great. If they can't then I'd decline the invite and just stay with the baby which will be less stressful then the worrying.

You aren't a failure for not being able to breastfeed at all, it happens and it's shit when you really want to and have tried to but it doesn't make you are failure or any of that bollocks. Believe me, I know what it feels like when you feel your body has betrayed you by not doing what you feel it should, but it's already gone through the strenuous time of pregnancy and trauma of childbirth- you aren't a failure.

GahBuggerit · 18/03/2015 12:36

Believe me OP you're not the one coming across as precious Grin

MissDuke · 18/03/2015 12:38

Op, don't apologise, you are fine. I would feel exactly the same as you, and would be unsure about the wording too. I would definitely get DH to ring and see what happens. Don't feel bad though, I wouldn't have left any of my three children at that age either.

Aridane · 18/03/2015 12:38

the invite is clearly referring to a breast fed baby

BirdInTheRoom · 18/03/2015 12:38

I just read it as small babies can come if it's not possible to leave them. i.e. under 6 months old.

Similar to the phrase 'babes in arms'.

I would clarify politely with the B&G - no need to worry too much.

thatsucks · 18/03/2015 12:39

Sorry I really struggle to be sympathetic towards mothers who won't leave their babies for a day or so.

Is it a competitive thing or something? 'I love my baby so much I couldn't leave them'? Or acute anxiety?

I have three children - I love them to the beyond of the beyond of the beyonds.

But I never made a big old fuss about leaving them for work or weddings or anything else when they were babies or any age - I knew I was going to see them again soon!!

BirdInTheRoom · 18/03/2015 12:42

If they didn't want babies there at all - they would have just said 'no children.' Your baby will be welcome and I promise no one will pass comment as long as you don't allow her to scream in church or through the speeches!

No one is even going to know or check if they are breast or bottle fed!! A lot of breastfeeding mothers would bring a bottle of expressed milk too.

Just take her and don't worry.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/03/2015 12:45

I think your solution's perfect, sixtylicious - that way DH gets to go to the wedding and you have a day out with your baby too

If the B&G then choose to say of course you must bring her that's very different ... but they'll have done it on their own initiative instead of being pressured in any way

notsolovely · 18/03/2015 12:45

You are not a failure. At all. I know you are feeling emotional but don't worry about not being able to bf.

As for the invitation, I read it as they don't want babies but where children can not be left due to feeding they will make an exception. Do as you said and get dh to clarify. I wouldn't leave my baby either at that age.

letscookbreakfast · 18/03/2015 12:47

Why don't you get your DH to clarify it with the couple? I wouldn't just take your baby and I also wouldn't assume that you can't go with your baby so your best option is to clarify it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread