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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be confused about wedding invite regarding baby

184 replies

sixtylicious · 18/03/2015 11:36

We have been invited to a good friend of DH's wedding in a couple of months, I am friendly with the couple too, and have been looking forward to their big day.

The invite arrived and stated that they are not able to accommodate children (which is fine, of course, their day), and that unless 'nursing a newborn' babies are not invited either. This is less fine, potentially because I am just being selfish, but our DD will be 3 months old at their wedding, and I do not want to leave her behind. In actual fact I don't think there is any option for us to leave her as I'm not sure my parents would want to be responsible for her, and I don't think I could bear to leave her even if they were keen.

Do you think a three month old counts as a newborn still? And does it matter that we'll be bottle feeding her rather than breast feeding?

I'd really value some other opinions on how I should interpret the invite and whether I should worry about taking along a three month old, before I get in touch with them to clarify.

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 18/03/2015 13:25

Wow! Your baby was 2.weeks 'over' their self declared date of acceptability??! Therefore unwelcome?! Horrid!

I am childless by choice. I would never exclude my friends' and familys' babies at any age. I hope they would be kind enough to their baby, and other guests, to take them out if they're breaking glass with their screaming.

I would be upset if some good friends0and close family felt that I was so precious that they couldn't come because I didn't want their family there!

dietcokeandwine · 18/03/2015 13:25

You're not being unreasonable OP.

Neither are they.

I wouldn't have wanted to leave a 3 month old either regardless of how they were fed. But equally it's their wedding and it's fair enough to restrict babies and children as they wish.

I would just send a nice regret letter along the lines of not being able to leave dd as she's so young but hope they have a lovely day etc etc.

In all honesty weddings are desperately stressful when you have a baby or child in tow, regardless of how welcome they might be. I took DS1 to a close family wedding at 3 months and it wasn't fun. Children and weddings don't really mix. Tbh you and your dd will have a much nicer time if your DH goes alone leaving the two of you to chill out in peace!

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 18/03/2015 13:35

thatsucks has it ever occurred to you that everyone is different?

OP has said that she doesn't have anyone around that would take responsibility for such a young baby. I didn't either. You are very lucky that you have people around who you trust to take care of your babies for you. My DD is 16 months and still hasn't been left with anyone overnight as I don't have a single family member who would do it. My mum would happily have her for an hour or 2 in the day but that's as far as it goes.

OP isn't happy to leave her baby with anyone she knows. You were. It takes all sorts to make the world go round, eh?

SomewhereIBelong · 18/03/2015 14:01

I think your solution is fine so long as the hotel you have booked is not the wedding venue. That would make the B+G feel shitty... "Oh DW is upstairs with the baby..."

Morelikeguidelines · 18/03/2015 14:26

I think you can bring the baby, but I would ask the bride what she means.

I don't suppose anyone will notice how you are feeding on the day though.

Just a thought - might you actually value a break if your mum is happy to babysit?

Topseyt · 18/03/2015 14:29

Dawn has said pretty much what I was going to.

I would ask them to clarify what they meant on the invitation, explaining that I had no childcare.

Whilst the term "nursing mother" does technically mean breastfeeding, some people do interpret it as meaning any mum with a new baby. So it is possible they just haven't given it much thought.

You are absolutely NOT a failure by the way. You are in the very emotional and vulnerable post natal phase and are doing what works for you and your baby. I bottle fed my three. I still wouldn't have wanted to leave them for longer than a couple of hours or so at three months of age. I just wasn't ready to do that.

I only ever had one "no children" wedding invitation when mine were small. I nearly couldn't go due to the childcare issue, but a good friend stepped in at the last minute.

That particular bride and groom now have 5 children of their own. I guess they must now realise just what a headache the "no children" stipulation caused for others, though to be fair, the reception venue was one that didn't normally allow children in anyway.

cookiefiend · 18/03/2015 14:39

I am sorry you were unable to bf. I was in the end but there was a period where I thought I was going to have to give up and I felt like a failure. Please do not let this get to you- when I had to give my baby a bottle I wanted only me or DH to do it- not be a fun task to be passed around as I felt it was an important bonding experience. You are not wrong not to want to hand this off to someone else.

If they are good friends and they understood the upset that breastfeeding problems cause I am sure they would not have made the distinction. I too would not have wanted to leave my baby at three months. Just go and take her out the room when you feed- no one will be any the wiser. Or do as you suggest and spend some time in the hotel with her- a change of scenery will be nice. In a few years how you fed your baby will probably not even enter your head- though I know it is al consuming now. Enjoy bonding with your baby and try to enjoy the one perk of bottle feeding- get your DH do an evening feed so you can have a nice long sleep. You are doing really well.

ImperialBlether · 18/03/2015 14:49

Send the bride a text and say "Thanks so much for the invitation but I'm a bit unsure what you meant by newborn? X will be 3 months old by then - would it be easier for you if Husband came on his own?"

I think there's no way a decent person would discriminate in that way between a FF and BF baby. OP, it's normal to cry a lot when the baby's so young - please be kind to yourself and ignore any unkind comments on here.

DaygloYellowLady · 18/03/2015 14:49

OP, can I suggest that if they don't want you and the baby there that DH stays at home too.
We had an invitation to a wedding quite similar to yours when DS was tiny. I felt pretty fragile at the time and the thought of DH and all our friends whooping it up while I was excluded really upset me.

mewkins · 18/03/2015 14:50

I think reply and say just check if it's ok to bring the baby. And certainly you do not have to justify how or why you are feeding your baby as you are. It is no one's business and you are doing a grand job. xx

Clawdy · 18/03/2015 14:50

Invitation we got last week specified "no children, babes in arms fine..." That seems to make more sense than the nursing thing.

stickystick · 18/03/2015 14:54

I am neither condoning or condemning the wedding couple but I think they don't want any babies or children at all. But they feel obliged to put in something about breastfeeding newborns out of political correctness - I suppose they think that that anyone can administer a bottle but they don't want to be seen to leaving a child who was exclusively breast fed to starve if left behind with grandparents etc.

Jackieharris · 18/03/2015 14:56

Just ask them.

I don't agree with these child free weddings but if they are going to be like that leave them to it.

As for posters saying they wouldn't leave a 3 month old for a few hours- that's ridiculously precious to me. Max may leave was 18 weeks only a few years ago. I hate to think how entitled this generation will be with this suffocating helicoptering parenting that's all trendy at the moment.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/03/2015 14:57

I totally understand, but obviously it's the couples day. I would stay behind, as you have no choice. If they have children, they will know how silly they are being.

waterrat · 18/03/2015 15:04

how sad that a couple have made a new mum feel unhappy.

I think it means ' babes in arms' rather than toddlers, who can't be left because they are too young.

I also think you should ask them and not rely on the internet. They are your friends, just say 'hey would love to come, absolutely understand if you dont want babies at all, but if I do come it would have to be with baby.'

aloysiusflyte · 18/03/2015 15:06

I wasn't allowed to go to a friends wedding as I had a 4 month old bf baby, they told me to express some milk and leave him with my dm. At that point he wouldn't take a bottle but that didn't seem to concern the bride and groom. Still feel quite bitter about it now as I was made to feel that I was being awkward by not attending Hmm

It's best to ask them whether it's OK to bring baby, hopefully they'll be more understanding than my friends!

As an aside, my ds is now 10 months and bottle fed but I still wouldn't leave him over night x

Original poster
sixtylicious · 18/03/2015 15:10

Thank you for all the replies, especially the people that have taken the time to write supportive things about the feeding - it is something that I am feeling very low about; I appreciate your kindness more than you know.

I am living in a new area, with no friends or family around and am feeling quite isolated and vulnerable at the moment, especially today as my daughter is not very well so has cried almost constantly since yesterday evening - hello no sleep! I guess that is why something as simple as a wedding invitation has stressed me out; I'm not normally so petty - I used to be a fully functioning person with a job and everything, at the moment the littlest things tip me into panic and tears!

Anyway, I really value all the advice, so thanks again.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 18/03/2015 15:13

Is there any other way we can help you sixty? You do sound a bit low. Do you think it's just 24 hours of no sleep, or have you been feeling low for a while?

MissWimpyDimple · 18/03/2015 15:16

It means don't bring your baby! But if you can't leave her, then go ahead and ask.

ImperialBlether · 18/03/2015 15:23

If the bride and groom don't have a baby themselves, they won't have an opinion on breast or bottle feeding. The thing is that they are friends of yours and I'm sure they would hate to upset you - please just ask them what they'd prefer. I imagine they are trying to avoid 'cute' little children who will run up and down the aisle.

TaurielTest · 18/03/2015 15:24

Don't be shy of asking. The wording they've chosen is oddly over-specific, and it may well be that what they mean is "babes in arms", and haven't thought it through.

AntiHop · 18/03/2015 15:25

Yanbu sixty. Your baby is so young. If I was invited to a wedding that my baby was not invited to, I would refuse to come. I just don't understand why some people want child free weddings. I got married before I has my dd. But lots of guests have dc so I went out of my way to make it a child friendly wedding.

Op I'm sorry things are tough for you. Try and get out to baby activities so you meet other mums. Getting out to things will be good for you and the baby.

OVienna · 18/03/2015 15:27

If they don't have children they probs don't know what they are talking about. They mean a babe in arms I'm willing to bet. Plus you could have 'just' stopping bf-ing.Wink if you feel like going, phone them.

Salene · 18/03/2015 15:35

I read it as breastfed babies but to me ot screams we don't want babies at our wedding.

If your not BF and can't / won't get a sitter that's no difo than anyone else with kids , who would have to decline

Id decline and none of you go if you can't find a baby sister

There could be other guests with young Ff babies who left there's at home with a sitter then u show up with yours , it might ruffle some feathers.

It's states nursing babies, FF is not nursing.

Tapwater · 18/03/2015 15:36

Sixty, my heart goes out to you. You remind me of exactly how isolating and frightening I found having a newborn with very little support. Can you talk to someone in RL? It gets much, much better, I promise. I found the early weeks like having just experienced some kind of terrible natural disaster.