to be confused about wedding invite regarding baby

[sixtylicious]

We have been invited to a good friend of DH's wedding in a couple of months, I am friendly with the couple too, and have been looking forward to their big day.

The invite arrived and stated that they are not able to accommodate children (which is fine, of course, their day), and that unless 'nursing a newborn' babies are not invited either. This is less fine, potentially because I am just being selfish, but our DD will be 3 months old at their wedding, and I do not want to leave her behind. In actual fact I don't think there is any option for us to leave her as I'm not sure my parents would want to be responsible for her, and I don't think I could bear to leave her even if they were keen.

Do you think a three month old counts as a newborn still? And does it matter that we'll be bottle feeding her rather than breast feeding?

I'd really value some other opinions on how I should interpret the invite and whether I should worry about taking along a three month old, before I get in touch with them to clarify.

I'd read it as they really don't want babies or children there so would leave your DD behind or decline.

We've left DS (currently 5 months) at home for every wedding - we had ours child free so wouldn't take him to anyone else's. And it meant we could enjoy the day/night without stressing about him picking a horrible moment for a poo explosion or to start screaming the place down.

I hope you're ok and I'm sure they didn't mean anything by the nursing. DS was ff from birth and he's doing great, it was the best thing for him so I refuse to feel guilty and neither should you. It's still bloody hard and you sound like you're being a great mum.

Don't tell them in advance that you are ff. Reply and say you will be Bringing your babe in arms, who requires no food/ high chair etc as they are too young.

Then, make sure you are self suffient and don't start hassling the venue to warm bottles or provide anything.

I sympathise OP, sleep deprivation is horrific.
One of my best friends got married when DD was 4 months old. It was a very last minute wedding (only a months notice) and she asked me to be bridesmaid. She specified no babies, DD was bf and wouldn't take a bottle. Luckily it was close to my parents and my DH had DD in the morning and brought her to me for feeds, and my mum did the same in the afternoon. It was very stressful. I think people without children can find it difficult to understand why you can't 'just' leave your baby with someone for the weekend.

Id ask. If they say your DD can't go and you're not happy leaving her, don't go. A night in a hotel and doing some walking/exploring sounds lovely.

Hope your baby is feeling better soon.

Sorry I really struggle to be sympathetic towards mothers who won't leave their babies for a day or so.

Not being able to leave your 3 month old is not "competitive mothering" ffs. Good for you if you felt that way. Honestly people are dicks.

Anyway OP, it definitely does mean breastfed as they probably think people can just leave a bottlefed baby. BUT the fact that they are willing to let bf babies come means (to me) that they would rather come with a baby than not come at all (otherwise they'd just say NO to babies).

So I'd probably just ask if they mind as you will miss it otherwise or not mention it at all and bring the baby. I'm sure the couple will have more important things to worry about than how you feed your baby.

If your husband is friendlier with them thenget him to ask wwhat it means I take a 12ish week old baby as newborn don't upset yourself over this.

Thatsucks - not everyone has people they can leave their children with. My Dad will step in for an hour or two, but not an overnight trip. Other that there are no other grandparents, no aunties, no uncles, no cousins etc; it would be a very brave friend who agreed to take on my three at the same time for an overnight stay. So, not precious - just a bit lacking on the relative front.

Well now I just want to drive to where ever you are and give you a big hug. You poor old thing. I know some people on MN dropped a baby, threw it on their backs, and kept on going but most of us didn't .

Dawn is absolutely right and I would also advocate just giving them a call. I have to say that I think they do mean a breastfed baby by their description. I know someone who wanted a no children wedding, a number of real smallies were brought anyway and ended up in a queue in buggies outside the dining room during dinner. The result was a group of harassed looking parents sprinting outside the room to see who was squawking and a only very slightly ticked off bride and groom being irritated at the interruptions to the speeches. Weddings that aren't set up for children, really aren't set up for children.

I have two children, both of whom were breastfed (and you're doing fabulously, don't worry about that for a minute), and neither of whom have been to a wedding and won't be for many years yet. I think your solution sounds lovely. If you'd like to see the bride and groom and share in their day, then I'm sure accompanying your DH to the church/registry office so that you can see them in their finery would be welcomed and then you go back and enjoy a movie in the hotel with room service while DD slumbers next to you.

BTW, when we got married, we also went for the adult only option, but actually picked up the phone or spoke in person to all those with children and explained it. One couple were funny about it but all the others took a "Woo-HOO!" attitude to a child free evening.

Also, the first six weeks of parenthood are really tough, especially if they're not well, but honestly, you're doing fantastically well. This is a lovely time of year to have a baby - the days are getting longer, you can get out to groups and parks and things when she's only a tiny bit bigger. You'll get to know people in no time. Have you looked to see if there's an NCT post-natal group near you? Or a Bumps and Babies coffee morning? That's a great way to meet people.

Oh poor you don't get upset, those blooming hormones! Doesn't matter if you are breast feeding or bottle feeding you are not a failure. I wouldn't have left my children with anyone when they were that little but I am soppy and it was hard for me to leave them even with my Mum regardless of how they feed :)
Sounds like they don't want children disrupting the wedding but if they don't have children they may not understand and just think of crying babies in the ceremony or during the speeches as well as the cost for meals for children.
I agree with @miniavenger that you should get DH to call and say he will be coming on his own as baby is too small to leave just yet and see what they say. If it's a long way they should understand you can't leave a little child for a whole weekend regardless of how they feed. 3 months is still tiny!
If you don't want DH to go perhaps you could ask to meet up with them at a later date and catch up, tell them about their day with the wedding photos and still send a gift but if it were me I wouldn't be going big hugs x x

I was in the same boat as you op with my second child, I received a wedding invite saying No Children, I was heavily pregnant.

After stressing about it, my husband just called the Bride and Groom and explained that we couldn't leave a young baby with anyone. I was formula feeding.

They explained Babes in arms could attend.

We had a great day.

I think its fine to take your baby along. 3 months is still a 'babe in arms' so won't be crawling or walking...how the baby is fed is rather irrelevant I think. I wouldn't think or stress anymore about it op. Just take them outside if they cry during the vows or speeches!

I would read it as they don't really want any babies there. However if you have a new baby which will need to be fed you can take it along. I don't think it matters about feeding method.

I am with those who say it would be fine to take a 3 month old. "nursing babies" means to me those not at weaning stage - ie bottle or bf.

And been there with the not managing to bf. Can feel really pants at times. My HV was great - she told me I would "Not give a stuff what went in their gob when you are at their second birthday party, their first day of school, their first school play. Really by then Chop it will not matter. Feed your baby, cuddle them and love them. How you feed them is not important." It took a while, but do you know what, she is right. It doesn't matter now. I am taking DS to his first Beavers meeting tonight. Does it matter I only bf for 2 weeks? Nah, course it doesn't.

Big hug. Look after yourself.

Hey Sixty, big hug from me. It's horrible having 'issues' like this to deal with when sleep deprived and with a newborn. If the issue is churning around and around in your head it could be worth a chat to doctor - I'm on a low dose of antidepressants (have been since baby DC2 was 10 days old and now 4 months) and that changed everything and I'm enjoying it now.

Anyway as for wedding, I'm sure they mean babes in arms but they just don't know/haven't thought about the wording. U know how brides or anyone organising a big do can get! So just get DH to clarify.

That said / I went with my baby at 3 months to a wedding and with last baby at 2 months - and it was just crap: I was so worried every time they shuffled about possible noise that I left the party, people kept on taking them off me for a cuddle - literally pulling them off me (remember people quite drink fuelled) which upset me. And as for finding an outfit....?! :). Wouldn't you prefer deep down not to go? I'd be glad of an excuse!!

Try sleeping while DH holds baby in the evening - forget about having evening time as a couple for a few nights. Hopefully things will look better if you get done sleep. Easier said than done I know. Big hugs, you sound like a top mummy x

chop is right. Don't worry about FF, in a year's time at the most, no one will care and it really doesn't matter as they get older.

I would interpret 'nursing' as a baby being feed exclusively milk still whether BF or FF. Yes a baby can take a bottle from anyone but even a 3 month old knows who they are used to taking it from and will by very unsettled by someone new stepping in just for one night. As long as the baby isn't taking up a place that they have to pay for, the I don't see the issue with them going.

You're 100% fine to take the baby. Confused about the poster who said you could only do so if you were breastfeeding and not if you were bottle feeding. As if the b&g are going to notice or care!

When you ask anything BF-related on MN, you have to realise there is a certain breed of poster who is EVER SO CHUFFED with themselves for being a breastfeeder, cos BF is so SPESHUL, and therefore can't help making digs about FF in any context. I totally understand your feelings about 'failing' to BF - I have been there and worn the t-shirt, and it took me a long time to get over, but I do so wish I hadn't got myself so het up about it and had just tried to enjoy my time with my newborn a bit more. As long as your baby is loved and cared for, it really doesn't matter how you feed her - she'll certainly not remember when she grows up!

If you're really worried I would ask the couple if it's ok to bring your 12-week-old baby, but I'm sure that on the day, they'll hardly be policing who is feeding their baby how, and throwing you out of the venue for failing to comply!

If all else fails, you could try 'discreet' formula feeding and hide the baby under a giant napkin, a la that Claridge's breastfeeding woman!

Babay well said.

I'd say that you could go. On the basis that even though dd is bottle fed you are no more able to leave her with someone else at that age for that long as if you were breastfeeding.

A quick clarification with the bride and groom and promise to disappear or sit at the back for important bits I'm sure will be fine.

I'd say newborn still at 3 months. Not mobile, can't sit in highchair, not eating solids...

WOW shocked at some of the responses about BF and anyone can bottle feed lol....It might be your choice at three months not to let anyone else bottle feed your baby. If you don't feel comfortable leaving your baby then don't :) some people look forward to the night out without baby and others might find it too emotional to be apart. It's up to you....I left my baby at that age as it was a similar situation and everyone said it's fine enjoy a night off - I would have enjoyed it more if she was with me though :) only now looking back on things (now I'm not exhausted lol) can I see how I let others opinions of what I should do with me child- influence my decisions...because they might have been ok with something I wasn't or because they thought that the break would be nice. Hopefully the couple will understand it's not like you are asking to bring a toddler or child that will be running around like a loon :) good luck xxx

"Nursing a newborn" is poor wording because it contains two ideas, i.e. "nursing" (breastfeeding) and "newborn", which to my mind is up to about six weeks. What if you're nursing an older baby or bottle-feeding a newborn?

The b&g clearly don't realise that you might still be breastfeeding a baby at six months or nine months, which means you can't really leave it for more than a few hours.

Anyway, best thing to do is ask them. If they say no babies, then in your situation I would stay at home with the baby because I certainly wouldn't want to leave a three month old baby for that length of time.

I still see a 3 month old as a tiny baby that can't be left. I have a four month old who couldn't be left as she's exclusively breastfed but I still wouldn't leave her if she was formula fed. In your shoes, I'd clarify with the couple then regretfully decline if baby can't come.

The thing is 'nursing a newborn' could well be shorthand for 'any young baby that is still solely milk fed' so you need to ask.

I would no more have left my young babies with someone else overnight than cut my leg off. Other people are fine with it. There isn't a right or wrong way to be at 3 months.

I hate wedding invitations like this. I wouldn't leave a 3 month old for a whole day or more (and I'd rather spend a weekend with my baby than with any friend, so sue me)! Mine were bf and I used to say 'they won't take a bottle' which was true, but what I didn't say (which was even more true) was that if they expected me to ditch my baby for the day in favour of them, then they could get to fuck with their invitation!

FWIW I'd say that invitation included you as one of the exceptions with a tiny 3mth old baby (howsoever it's fed - that's nobody's business). I definitely wouldn't send dh alone - I'm sure he's rather spend the weekend (and all the associated money!) with you and his baby too. Either all go or just decline for all of you as the baby is too young to leave. x

Do the bride and groom know you're bottle feeding? If not, take the baby.

I would take newborn as a under a month old.

I think you're better of asking, but don't be surprised if the answer is no to you bringing along your baby.

I understand why they said that on the invites, but for the love of god if they don't want kids there why don't they just make it clear.