to be confused about wedding invite regarding baby

[sixtylicious]

We have been invited to a good friend of DH's wedding in a couple of months, I am friendly with the couple too, and have been looking forward to their big day.

The invite arrived and stated that they are not able to accommodate children (which is fine, of course, their day), and that unless 'nursing a newborn' babies are not invited either. This is less fine, potentially because I am just being selfish, but our DD will be 3 months old at their wedding, and I do not want to leave her behind. In actual fact I don't think there is any option for us to leave her as I'm not sure my parents would want to be responsible for her, and I don't think I could bear to leave her even if they were keen.

Do you think a three month old counts as a newborn still? And does it matter that we'll be bottle feeding her rather than breast feeding?

I'd really value some other opinions on how I should interpret the invite and whether I should worry about taking along a three month old, before I get in touch with them to clarify.

I can't imagine wanting to go to a wedding and taking my baby - are you really going to want to sit around all day/night holding your baby and rushing out of the room when she makes a noise? Where will you 'put' the baby when you eat?

It just won't be any fun for you, the baby, the hosts or other guests. If it was me I would just decline politely.

sixty- I would count 3mths as a newborn. If you want to go, just go - they must be expecting some newborns and they're not going to be checking out how you're feeding her on their wedding day! If anyone asks say it expressed bm or something, or that you're mixed feeding and she has a bottle of formula at this time. Make sure you have an escape route if she cries in the ceremony.

Or.... just relax in the hotel with your lovely baby, while your dh goes, if you prefer

Don't beat yourself up about not bfing! the early weeks are bloody hard.

This happened to me a few years ago. We checked & baby was allowed to come so we took her. We managed most of the day having a nice enough time until later in the day when she spontaneously threw up all over me. Fortunately we were staying at the venue, but were holed up in our room before 8pm. It obviously spoilt our enjoyment.
Would it be possible to make a weekend of it with family, maybe get two reasonable hotel rooms or a two room apartment nearby. That way you could perhaps bring baby to daytime & handover to family whoever comes with for the evening & enjoy yourselves. Next day could be family day out. More expensive I know, but if I had my time over I would. Not too far away from baby & some much needed time out.
My advise would be to take a spare outfit in case though!

You could both go and take it in turns to look after dd away from wedding (only works if you have a room at the hotel that the wedding is at) - whoever is closest to b&g goes to wedding breakfast and speeches, dd can prob mingle in the between as can't imagine any objection to that, other parent could dine in room or take dd out to a nice restaurant , have a few swaps for the evening do with the person who is drinking can finish the night off and ther parent can cuddle up wth dd, nice to have breakfast in hotel and meander home with dd the next day stopping at nice places on the way would really make some good family time too.

OP - Personally I think the bottle vs breastfeeding distinction is unhelpful. (Also in theory breast milk could be expressed and stored). Its as ridiculous as, for example, someone saying that a bottle-fed baby might be less disruptive because seeing a woman's breasts at the dinner table might make some people feel awkward....

Nursing (nourishing, nurturing, soothing) a baby applies to breast or bottle feeding.

From the wedding point of view, looking after a little a 3 month baby will be less disruptive than toddlers running around creating merry mayhem etc.

A newborn is 0-1 month. Even clothes sizing says this, so surely its general knowledge.

There are two different issues in this post:

1. How shattered and depressed the OP is, and how distressing she finds it to leave her baby with somebody else.

1. The actual wedding.

1 and 2 are not related to each other. The bride and groom did not organize their wedding in order to cheer the OP up. They organised their event in order to celebrate their wedding in company of loved ones, and decided not to have children in the wedding, for whichever reasons. Many other guests will have their own issues, may be depressed, be in an abusive relationship, or going through cancer.

The Op has clear options:

1. She would love to be at the wedding! Then go, and look for alternative childcare.

1. She could never, ever leave her baby with anybody else: then do not go to the wedding and stay with your baby.

1. The wording of the invite is unclear about newborn babies: then ask for clarification. And accept that the clarification may say they do not want babies there. Then don't go. Or they may be happy top have your baby there. Then go.

It is very clear-cut, really. What is immensely unfair is to try to put your own issues before the bride and groom's wishes for THEIR OWN wedding. The bride and groom have no obligation to be informed about how life is with a baby (they will probably find out themselves in time). They have no obligation to put anybody else before them... it's their wedding, probably the only day they have all the rights to put themselves first! This is not a personal affront against the OP, it's a wedding with particular rules to whoever wants to attend. If you don't like the rules, just don't go! If you really, really want to go... then follow the rules! I really cannot see the dilemma here. Wanting to break the rules just because you really want to go is the only selfish thing here.

aurynne - a slightly harsh over the top appraisal.

Last post is spot on! It's the day for the bride and groom. They decide who they want or not. Infer one at one point got so fed up with screeching babies, selfish parents who stuck themselves at the front because they wanted their child to see'the colours!'

My old school friend who when getting out of her car was almost door stepped by a parent who was waiting for her to arrive and asked her whether she minded her young child being there (babysitter issues apparently). even though she had expressly said no children. What on earth was she meant to say....

If you don't feel you can go then please just don't!

Aurynne
The OP has accepted that she may not be able to go. She has accepted that the B&G can't stipulate no children. What she is unclear about is whether or not her baby falls into the exception granted to newborn babies. She isn't asking for preferential treatment.

Can stipulate

Auranne is right. It really isn't about the op. Make a decision and move on, life is really too short.

Chazs, then see "option 3" :P.

You most definitely are not being daft in not wanting to leave a three month old!

Regardless of how you feed her.

Yes, it is the bride and groom's big day but they also want to celebrate it with friends, and have invited you and your dh.

All you need to do (IMVHO) is to clarify whether or not their invitation is also to your child, who is a baby, who I would class as a newborn.

IMVHO I would just tell the bride or groom you have read the invite and it says newborns and your baby will be three months so you are assuming that is OK (or you could be very direct and say is that OK?) THEN if you really feel you could not go if you cannot take your baby, I would just say I cannot leave her so I hope it will be OK, but just wanted to check if not it will just be DH at the wedding (if he wants to go alone) or we cannot come (if he does not).

If your friends don't want a three month old there and you won't leave her, I would not go. Hopefully, they will think 3 months is a newborn and nursing or not, she needs you not just anyone to feed her.

It is an invitation, you do not need to go but if you do want to I would check what that means.

Regarding the comment It is very clear-cut, really. What is immensely unfair is to try to put your own issues before the bride and groom's wishes for THEIR OWN wedding. I would say you should not put your own needs ahead of the bride and groom, of course but they invited you, knowing you had a very young baby, then sent an ambiguous message with it. If they are friends you should be able to ask and if they say no to baby, decide accordingly.

Good luck.

PLEASE let us know if you go or not!

Oh and OP I am sorry not breast feeding sounds like something you are not altogether happy about (have I got that right?) but you are looking after her so try not to worry too much about that. It will fade as things go on and there are other things to do/worry about! I am sure you are a great mum and I'm sorry if the wording on the invite has upset you a bit.

Aurynne sorry to quote you! What I should have said is of course it is their day and not to upset them etc but I also feel the invite itself was not clear cut but confusing!

It's odd but every thread on babies and weddings assumes the mother will do anything to thwart the bride & grooms special moments throughout the day.

The OP has said clearly, several times that she wants to do whatever the b&g want... And is merely trying to work out what that is.

OP, ask them, carefully as you suggested explaining that you have another plan already in place where you & the baby don't go, but you just want to make sure you understood it correctly.

It will work out fine, whatever the b&g end up wanting you to do.

The very last thing I wanted was to 'break the rules' or ask for preferential treatment. That couldn't be further from the case.

The very last thing I wanted was to 'break the rules' or ask for preferential treatment. That couldn't be further from the case

I think we all realise, that, Sixty

Unfortunately, some of us are perhaps influenced by those we've met who are determined that they're an exception, insisting that they'll "just check but honour the reply" and doing anything but

The venue isn't suitable for children? Oh don't worry I'll keep close eye on her. It might be too noisy for them? Oooo he loves lots of noise. Those who didn't bring their own children will be upset? That's okay, we won't stay long. And so on and so on ...

I'm really disappointed in some of the responses given by women supposedly here to help each other. OP ignore any comments that make you feel bad about FF. I really hate the whole nonsense that BF means you're superior. Utter crap. A good mum puts their children's needs first over satisfying other judgemental womens' opinions! Sorry to rant but I'm sick to death of women being made to feel shit for FF it's so pointless, unhelpful and unsupportive. Let's just all assume we all want the best for our children and move on. Ok rant over

FWIW I think you'd be fine to take the baby. Three months is still very little and the last thing the B&G will be doing is checking up on your feeding methods/if the baby complies with newborn age bracket. I would check and try not to be too disheartened if you can't go, you may find yourself grateful for not going as sometimes you may have a rough night before or baby could be unsettled etc. so hard to know at that age how they will be day to day!

Good luck and stay positive. You're doing a good job!

Don't go, and delight in the fact in a few years' time they will be be going through the exact same shite as you are!

For the record I ff and was VERY selective who fed my child. I just didn't thrust a bottle at someone or let anyone do it. It was a very special time for me and that bottle was an extension of myself, was very bonding for us.

IMO and in my case, your baby would be fine to come.

I had a "no children invited" wedding for one very specific reason which I'm not going into, just in case; but I allowed non-weaned babies because they didn't need a seat or a meal and weren't mobile. Two babies came to my wedding; one was a few weeks old, the other was a few months old, nearly 6m iirc but still exclusively milk-fed at that point.

I'm having trouble with my pages, so can't check back easily to see if you've already contacted the B&G - but if you haven't already done so, I really would. I wouldn't have left mine at that age either.

If they are hard-line about it, then don't go, just let your DH go if he wants to and you have a nice time just you and the baby. :)

Ah, she will only be 3 months old. If you don't feel comfortable leaving her then it is besides the point that she could take a bottle. I don't think anyone would bat an eyelid if you took her, she is still a 'babe in arms' which is the same as a nursing baby.

If they are good friends of your DH, I would have him enquire about whether your baby can come, and if not, do as you mentioned earlier and simply go along to the hotel but not attend the wedding.

Mostly though I just want to post and reassure you that you're doing a wonderful job. It's really really hard early on when you're getting hardly any sleep and you're completely floored by this tiny little person that you're suddenly responsible for. It doesn't matter whether your baby is being fed by a breast or bottle, as long as they're being nourished and cared for, and you're doing a great job with that! You sound truly lovely. Hang in there.