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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be confused about wedding invite regarding baby

184 replies

sixtylicious · 18/03/2015 11:36

We have been invited to a good friend of DH's wedding in a couple of months, I am friendly with the couple too, and have been looking forward to their big day.

The invite arrived and stated that they are not able to accommodate children (which is fine, of course, their day), and that unless 'nursing a newborn' babies are not invited either. This is less fine, potentially because I am just being selfish, but our DD will be 3 months old at their wedding, and I do not want to leave her behind. In actual fact I don't think there is any option for us to leave her as I'm not sure my parents would want to be responsible for her, and I don't think I could bear to leave her even if they were keen.

Do you think a three month old counts as a newborn still? And does it matter that we'll be bottle feeding her rather than breast feeding?

I'd really value some other opinions on how I should interpret the invite and whether I should worry about taking along a three month old, before I get in touch with them to clarify.

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 18/03/2015 12:47

I would think nursing meant breastfeeding but I would also think "fuck that" and take the baby anyway because it's really not their business how you feed your baby and newborns belong with their parents.

I wouldn't even ask them because:

  1. They could say no then
  2. They may not really have thought things through properly and just be repeating what someone else said without really thinking "what does this phrase mean?".
  3. The amounts of noise and hassle a 3 months old can produce does not differ depending how they are fed.
  4. They may have fully considered things and have some warped views about infant feeding and ime it's best not to know this sort of thing about close friends because it can really put you off them if they will insist on telling you their silly/extremist views.
Pinksuitcase · 18/03/2015 12:47

Had a similar dilema, my cousin is getting married 250 miles from where we live, later this year dh and me invited not just 2yr old and at most 12 week old baby not. We are unable to attend, cue all sorts of snotty messages from aunt and uncle about ruining family day, wanted us all there! If you'd have asked us all we would have come! Also wanted to know why I couldn't leave kids with PIL, well its 250 miles away for a start and no food for a baby if apart!

DragonfliesDrawFlame · 18/03/2015 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Madamecastafiore · 18/03/2015 12:49

I'd read it as they accept that you'll need to take a baby if breastfeeding.

I'd take it that you'll be staying at home.

Lottapianos · 18/03/2015 12:50

Very good and reasonable solution OP - you're not putting anyone in a difficult position that way.

justcallmethefixer · 18/03/2015 12:51

Maybe the clause was put on the invite for you? They know you have a small baby and have invited you, only way to know is for you or dp to speak with them.

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 18/03/2015 12:51

I don't agree with 'just take her', the polite thing to do is ask. You're not being precious at all OP, people who read 'no children' and still take their little darlings are bloody precious. I was planning a totally child free wedding next year. Then I fell pregnant, but that's my own doing. The wedding is about the bride and groom, if they want your daughter there, great! If they decline, I hope you and her have a lovely day together. But please ask, at least you'll know for certain then.

skinoncustard · 18/03/2015 12:52

They definitely don't want children of any age. Obviously are willing ( under sufferance ) to have newborn ( really new) breastfed babies.
I wouldn't take or even ask , it would be embarrassing all round. They have made it clear 'nursing newborn' not 3 months, 6 months or any other age.
Unfortunately on this occasion I think you and your DH have to decide who , if either goes.
It won't be the last time you have to make a decision on whether you both can attend a social event.

IssyStark · 18/03/2015 12:53

that sucks that is very harsh. You were obviously very lucky to have people who you trusted to look after your children on hand, not everyone is so lucky. We didn't live anywhere near family so there simply wasn't anyone we could leave a 3 month old with overnight.

Or you could have had a child like my ds2 who would only breastfed and not take breastmilk from a bottle or a cup. When I left him at 5mo with my husband for 8 hours one day he refused to take more than 1oz of milk and screamed blue murder for the last three hours.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 18/03/2015 12:54

Honestly - you need to ask them.

Maybe they have included that line specifically to make sure you know you could bring DD.
Just drop them an email or text to double check.
" Dear b&g - just checking whether the invite includes DD as we are not sure she will still be considered a new born when she is 3 months old. Lots of love x "

IssyStark · 18/03/2015 12:55

OP: you have to ask. It's the only way you'll know what they meant. I agree it is clumsy phrasing, and I would certainly see a 12 week old as a newborn: it's not as if they are old enough to start weaning.

DialMforMummy · 18/03/2015 12:56

I'd ask them, not us.
I doubt they thought about the wording carefully especially if they don't have kids themselves. I really think it would be hideous to say to one parent "you can come, you bf" and another: "you can't because you ff". No one can be THAT insensitive, surely.

ThisIsOurBlanket · 18/03/2015 12:56

I would count a 3 month old as a newborn.

"Nursing" does generally mean being breastfed, - I think they are acknowledging that a young breastfed baby can't be left with anyone else - but I don't think it is really anyone's business how you feed your baby. If your young baby can't be left with anyone else either then you are effectively in the same position as a breastfeeding mother.

When I have taken young babies to weddings, then I have always asked if there was a quiet room I could feed the baby in (formal clothing not usually being the best design for discreet feeding), so nobody would have even known if I was breastfeeding or giving a bottle anyway.

And even if you were breastfeeding, lots of parents might choose to, for example, give a bottle of expressed milk to avoid having to either leave the room during the meal or feed in front of people - what are they going to say? "Sorry, no bottles, boobs only, get them out or get out?" Of course not.

JohnCusacksWife · 18/03/2015 12:57

I'd interpret that as meaning only babies who are bf and therefore unable to be left behind. But it's not particularly clear. It would have been easier if they'd just said "no babies/children".

thelaststripe · 18/03/2015 12:58

I think that's a pretty firm "no babies" rule there, think you'll have to give it a miss unless you can find childcare. Don't just turn up with the baby regardless, that's clearly ignoring their requests and pretty selfish

lentilpot · 18/03/2015 12:58

I agree with whoever said they were probably just repeated a phrase without thinking about it. Do they know you aren't breastfeeding? I'd be inclined to accept and if anyone dares to quibble on the day (an idiot) just tell them you had to stop a few weeks ago Or that she gets too distracted in public to breastfeed (my DS did around 3 months). I had my friend's four month old at my wedding and she was a delight to everyone.

AmyLeeha · 18/03/2015 13:00

OP you're not being sensitive. Either it is badly worded (differentiating between beast and bottle fed) or badly worded (not clear). I agree that you should ask, but at 3 months there's NO WAY I'd have left my baby behind and it's not unreasonable.

I also think that if you were to take yourself off somewhere quiet to feed, nobody would know - and certainly nobody would be caring. But as you're worried, best to ask and then you can relax.

petalunicorn · 18/03/2015 13:03

I wouldn't want to leave my dc at that age either and so wouldn't go but that invite clearly means no children unless they are breastfed and so physically can't be apart from the mother.

Writerwannabe83 · 18/03/2015 13:08

I wasn't allowed to take my breast fed baby to a good friends wedding as only breast fed babies under 6 months of age were welcome Grin

My son was 6.5 months so we were told we couldn't come.

Our other mutual friend wasn't allowed up take her two month old because she was bottle feeding.

As far as my understanding goes the term 'nursing' refers to breast fed babies only.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 18/03/2015 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DialMforMummy · 18/03/2015 13:12

What Dawn said. Bang on.

Fleurchamp · 18/03/2015 13:13

We had a similar thing at our wedding, if all our friends' and families' children came it would have added another 40 guests (we had 100 people there), the venue was not child friendly (open water, antiques, stairs etc.) and we had an evening wedding.
We said babies (which I would take to mean non walkers) were of course welcome and asked that if childcare was a problem to let us know (DSIL is a nanny and has loads of nanny contacts - we would have hired nannies and had a kids room for during the ceremony and dinner). No one wanted childcare from people they didn't know (understandably) and we ended up with only one 4 month old there who was absolutely no trouble at all.

I would definitely say that a 3 month old would be included in the invitation.

Rightokthen · 18/03/2015 13:14

I think they have potentially put that line in for your sake as unless it's a massive wedding I don't think there'd be many people with small babies.
I'd assume it means you can go, bf or not .

In any case there would be no reason for them to know if you were going to bottle feed or breastfeed as you may wish to do either in private on the day

GahBuggerit · 18/03/2015 13:17

YES what Dawn said with breasts on

nottheOP · 18/03/2015 13:23

In Ireland, to nurse a newborn is to hold it, not a reference to how you're feeding it. It may just be their terminology.

Don't feel bad OP. I'd bring the baby with you or stay at home. If you're not ready to leave her yet, that's just fine.