Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to say i can't attend this meeting about DS2s attendance?

461 replies

velvetspoon · 18/03/2015 09:40

Letter received Monday evening asking me to attend a meeting at 1pm on Thursday.

I can't take a day off work with 48 hours notice. And it would have to be a full day due to timing of the meeting.

I replied to that effect, and asked for another day with at least 7 days notice but got a very snippy reply back saying it was a serious matter, and such meetings were important, etc, etc...

OP posts:
plantsitter · 18/03/2015 09:42

Of course YANBU. However I think that to maintain friendly communication with school, a phone call would be the best way to arrange a time convenient for both of you.

TwinkieTwinkle · 18/03/2015 09:46

I think it depends on the reason for attendance issues to be honest.

Groovee · 18/03/2015 09:50

I'd be calling them to try and rearrange but if your son hasn't been attending. To me that would sound like you really need to be there. I'd make a huge effort to be there.

I don't know what you said or how they took it but their reply could mean they think you just don't want to work with them.

Fleecyleesy · 18/03/2015 09:52

How old is ds2 and what's the reason for the attendance issues?

If he's little and got docs appts/similar then Yanbu
But if he's a teen out smoking instead of being at school then yabu

Kewcumber · 18/03/2015 09:52

I would reply (or call) politely saying that you fully understand the importance but that you aren't able to take time off with only a couple of days notice so please can they give you some options next week.

Unless your DS2's absence is related to truanting in which case I would probably try to see if I could really get the time off first or ask them if they can make the meeting at the end of the day so you only need to leave work early.

MrsFlannel · 18/03/2015 09:52

Of course yanbu. You can't go. Call and speak to the HT in person and tell them you are happy to talk but not that day. In fact write in in an email and save a copy!

Kewcumber · 18/03/2015 09:53

their reply could mean they think you just don't want to work with them. thats how it read to me too

MrsFlannel · 18/03/2015 09:54

Have the absences been due to illness OP? Or is there another problem such as school refusal? If it is due to school refusal or similar I would really try to go. They will help.

Original poster
velvetspoon · 18/03/2015 10:02

Letter was sent by the local attendance officer. Apparently it has to be in school hours as a member of the teaching staff has to be there. I've asked for it to be first thing (so I will only be 1.5 hours late for work at most) and awaiting their response.

I work ft in a very demanding legal role, I have 2 important work meetings which no one else can cover on the day in question. Taking time off at such short notice really isn't possible. I did make it clear in my response (sent by email for speed on Mon evening when I got the letter) that I was willing to attend, but just could not do so at such short notice.

DS is 13. He has been ill a fair bit, not anything serious but bouts of d&v, cold/flu. He won't go into school if feeling a bit ill because the school have said if he asks to be sent home, they won't let him because of his low attendance.

He isn't out hanging round the park, smoking or drinking. When he's off he's at home,mostly asleep.

DS is

OP posts:
butterfly2015 · 18/03/2015 10:08

His attendance must be really low for them to call you in. I'd not keep my kids at home if they have a cold unless they had a sky high temperature. Flu is a serious illness and would indicate a two to three week absence.

I'd start pushing him to go to school unless he's practically dying. Or Really infectious.

I know kids get ill but if he's ill all the time then get him to the doctors.

Sirzy · 18/03/2015 10:08

Phone the school to discuss the issue and rearrange a meeting but

He won't go into school if feeling a bit ill don't give him a choice. That kind of attitude could easily turn into a can't be bothered with school today type attitude.

Hillingdon · 18/03/2015 10:19

This does sound like something serious. it also sounds like you are trying to avoid meeting them to discuss.

Its not for him to decide whether he goes to school or not - that is your role and having a teenager myself. They dont realise the consequences of not going to school. They will fall behind, they will struggle to get any qualifications, they will not be able to get roles other than minimum wage roles because of their lack of education

Kewcumber · 18/03/2015 10:25

you work in a demanding role that makes it impossible to take a day off on short notice. Your son has attendance so poor (despite the fact there isn't any underlying medical condition) that an attendance officer is asking for a meeting and doesn;t go into school if he feels "a bit ill".

Shock

Can you not see how totally incompatible the two situations are - you with work and DS with school.

So what if you DS can't go home when he has a bit of a cold. Do you work through a cold?

Either you have produced a particularly rare and special flower or DS likes getting to stay home on his own for "sick" days.

TwinkieTwinkle · 18/03/2015 10:35

Surely you must take time off at short notice to look after your son when he's ill? You are being called in for a meeting because his attendance is that low and you are trying to say you can't make it because of work? That is one way to seriously rile the school. Makes it seem like you are being deliberately awkward.

parkingpearlclutching · 18/03/2015 10:45

That's ridiculous. If your child is always ill and you have been off work as a result, all the more reason why you have to be incredibly careful about how / when you tell your boss you need to be out again.

This is something that astonished me when I had children - that people suddenly started issuing instructions to me to be in, or somewhere else, at a certain time. Up until then, every appointment I had ever made was consensual. Ok, if the other party was very busy I might not get much option ("I can fit you in at.... otherwise it's in a couple of months") but it's still technically a choice. This thing of receiving written communications ordering you keep specific appointments that you have not agreed to and possibly can't make, does my head in.

OP, you will have be very sweet and adopt a super-reasonable manner but I think it is fine to stick to your guns in getting either more notice, or an early appointment or both.

keepitsimple0 · 18/03/2015 10:48

I think it depends on the reason for attendance issues to be honest.

why? The only way this makes sense is if you assume the person doesn't work or work is flexible. It's perfectly reasonable for a school to ask to meet a parent. It's not reasonable to demand it's at 1pm in less than two days.

Original poster
velvetspoon · 18/03/2015 10:51

I leave for work long before he leaves for school. If he's been up in the night being sick, I don't expect him to go in. If he gets up and feels ill in the morning, then I tell him to go to school. But he wont, because he knows if he is worse the school won't let him go home. He's been really quite ill at school before and they wouldn't let him leave, or even sit in a quiet place or anything. I know he needs to go to school. But frankly I wouldn't go in if I knew it would be impossible for me to leave however ill I felt.

I'm not trying to avoid a meeting, my job is what keeps a roof over our head. I don't have the sort of job I can just take time off whenever. I have said I'll go in for a meeting next week ie before end of term. I could attend sooner if they'd meet after school hours bit that isn't an option.

OP posts:
TwinkieTwinkle · 18/03/2015 10:52

If it was a serious matter then I can fully understand the school wanting a meeting quickly. From the OPs next post, it sounds reasonably serious and I can understand the school wanting to fix it.

however · 18/03/2015 10:54

Who looks after him when he is sick?

Mistigri · 18/03/2015 11:02

School is being unreasonable. You're not refusing to attend a meeting, you're simply asking for reasonable notice. If his absence record is so bad that the matter is urgent, then they should have taken steps earlier; since they didn't, then it can't be that urgent and the meeting can wait a few days.

I have the impression that many UK schools work in the principle that parents don't work, or can drop everything at short notice. Part of the problem is that so few teachers have any work experience outside teaching.

The reason for the absences is completely irrelevant, btw. I don't necessarily agree with allowing him to stay off, although I agree that the school's attitude towards children who fall sick at school is very uncaring.

Icimoi · 18/03/2015 11:09

I completely agree that the school has to realise that sometimes it really is not possible for parents to come in when they ordain. OP is clearly not trying to get out of it in any way.

However, I do have a bit of a concern, OP, that you are allowing your son to get into the mindset that it is acceptable not to go into school if he feels a bit ill just in case he feels more ill during the day and the school won't let him go home. The reality is that all of us occasionally wake up feeling a bit rough but find that something like taking a couple of paracetamol makes it bearable and when we get back into the daily routine we actually cope fine. It must be fairly rare, surely, that he actually gets worse during the day. Every time he stays home when actually he's not that bad, just in case he might get worse but doesn't, it's a day wasted. The reality is that if he is actually being sick, fainting or getting diarrhoea at school they will let him go home. I get the feeling that they don't allow him to go home because they have a perception that he's a bit of a hypochondriac or that he seizes any excuse to go, and if you are allowing him to develop that attitude I can quite see why.

I'd suggest you tell him that staying off just in case is no longer going to be an option - not least because, if you get prosecuted I would have thought it could affect your job anyway. You will need to set up some system whereby the school lets you know if he doesn't turn up and you, or someone on your behalf, immediately checks on your son and if necessary takes him either to school or the doctor.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 18/03/2015 11:13

I suppose it depends on his actual attendance rate. Is it 90%, 80%, 70% or what? But yes, being instructed to be at school at a certain time, smack in the middle of the day, and then to get a snippy letter back about how important it was, while they refused to bend their timings to be accommodating - that would rile me too. It's hard enough working around school hours as it is!

Original poster
velvetspoon · 18/03/2015 11:13

He has been sick at school and not sent home. He also had mild concussion as a result of being knocked over in the corridor and wasn't sent home then either.

I have told him to go to school even if he is ill. The difficulty is I'm not there and I cant be there to physically make him go. There is no one else to do so either as I have no family.

OP posts:
Original poster
velvetspoon · 18/03/2015 11:14

His attendance rate is 85%. School target is 95%.

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 18/03/2015 11:15

He must be staying off pretty often for the attendance officer to be involved...so YANBU to say you need a different appointment, but, you are if you think there's not a big issue with his attendance.