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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say i can't attend this meeting about DS2s attendance?

461 replies

velvetspoon · 18/03/2015 09:40

Letter received Monday evening asking me to attend a meeting at 1pm on Thursday.

I can't take a day off work with 48 hours notice. And it would have to be a full day due to timing of the meeting.

I replied to that effect, and asked for another day with at least 7 days notice but got a very snippy reply back saying it was a serious matter, and such meetings were important, etc, etc...

OP posts:

AliceMcGee · 18/03/2015 11:17

Your number one job is to protect your child, not to bow to what is convenient for school's stats. If he is unwell, then don't send him.Simple as.
With regards to the meeting, I would say that it is inconvenient to go into school, but you are happy to discuss any issues they may have over the phone.

Lancelottie · 18/03/2015 11:18

You need this meeting (rescheduled so you CAN make it) in order to give them a bollocking have a useful discussion with them about their stupid sickness policy, then. A child who is vomiting shouldn't be at school.

WorraLiberty · 18/03/2015 11:18

It sounds like a bit of a nightmare, OP.

I know for a fact the eldest of my 3 DS's would have stayed off school at every given opportunity, if I hadn't have been there to make sure he went.

The sooner you can arrange the meeting the better, and tell them that you can't physically drag him to school.

They should have strategies to deal with this.

Number3cometome · 18/03/2015 11:18

An attendance of 85% is poor. If I were you, I would call and make another appointment. Many of us have demanding full time jobs, it doesn't change the fact we still have parental responsibilities.

If you were sick, work would have to cope. Go to the appointment and stop making excuses, get this dealt with before it goes too far and you look like you are not playing ball.

grannytomine · 18/03/2015 11:19

I am surprised they won't arrange anything after school hours. Two of my children are teachers and it is a rare day that they leave school before 5 and not unusual for them to be there till 6. I think they are being awkward. I would contact them and say the time they have offered you is not possible but you feel it would not be appropriate for the meeting to take place without you and list when you can attend.

notsolovely · 18/03/2015 11:20

Yanbu about the meeting. I find it annoying when schools fo thing short notice, assuming everyone can attend. However you really need to sort this not going on if he feels a bit ill. He is deciding whether he should go to school or not. Which would be ok, if he could be trusted to make right decision. Which it seems he can't. At that age I would gave done the same as him tbh, I would have barley gone. I wasn't responsible enough to make that decision myself. What is his attendance level. 80%? 50% hoe often does he decided he isn't going in.

WorraLiberty · 18/03/2015 11:23

I'm surprised too grannytomine

It's very rare to see staff members leaving my DC's school before 6pm

And when it's something as important as attendance, the HOY or a member of the SLT would definitely stay late for a meeting.

sliceofsoup · 18/03/2015 11:24

Bit harsh Number3.

A lot of people cannot take time off at short notice unless it is an actual emergency. This is not an emergency, it is an appointment that was announced with short notice and it can be rearranged.

If the OP takes off important days at work for things like this, she is using up the goodwill that she needs to reserve for when there is an actual emergency.

YANBU OP.

OnlyLovers · 18/03/2015 11:25

I have the impression that many UK schools work in the principle that parents don't work, or can drop everything at short notice

I totally agree. And, more, I suspect they still work on the principle that the MOTHER as opposed to the father is just sitting at home waiting for the school to summon them in.

YANBU. It would be different if you were refusing to attend the meeting, but all you're doing is asking for reasonable notice. They're being very heavy-handed.

Icimoi · 18/03/2015 11:26

Just wondering - have you spoken to them previously about the incidents when they wouldn't let your son home when he was vomiting and when he was knocked out? What did they say? If he had concussion as a result of a head injury they should really have taken him to A&E as it's potentially dangerous.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 18/03/2015 11:26

Um. That's a tricky one. I would be really pissed off with the school for refusing to send him home when he had been sick and when he had concussion.

On the other hand, I got into trouble at work for this exact sort of attitude - I was having tummy trouble for quite a long time and I got into the habit of staying at home if I felt dodgy, just in case diarrhoea developed while I was at work. It all added up and I had a disciplinary meeting at work. I explained what was going on and had to talk to a nurse about it. In the end the problems died down - I think they were related to pregnancy/AF and the Pill seems to be helping. But anyway, I set my teeth and dragged myself to work reasoning that if I had to go home, I had to go home, and actually I've been okay on all except one occasion. I didn't get my pay increment that year, though, because they had a policy that if you took more than a certain number of sick days without a doctor's note then you automatically didn't get the pay rise.

Why not tell your DS that most employers will have a sick leave policy similar to mine? From memory, I think it's more than 3 separate incidents (an incident can be up to 7 days of sickness) OR more than 10 days off in 12 months, without a doctor's note. It's a rolling 12 month period.

balletgirlmum · 18/03/2015 11:26

Most teens would look after themselves when sick unless it was an illness where they shouldn't be left alone.

Lancelottie · 18/03/2015 11:27

Get your key points marshalled before you go in:
In your view, because he has previously been forbidden to go home when vomiting, and when suffering concussion (can you prove this?), he is now frightened that this will happen again.
To address this concern, can school assure you that he will be allowed to leave if unwell?
If school think he is malingering, why do they think this is the case?

switchitoff · 18/03/2015 11:33

An 85% attendance rate means he is missing almost a day of school every week. I imagine a school would be more understanding if a child had one bout of serious illness necessitating a long period off school, but it sounds like your DC is having regular, short illnesses (which can look like skiving).

If he is regularly waking up in the morning feeling sick, have you tried to establish why? Has he been checked by a doctor? Something he's eating perhaps? If it's not so serious that you feel able to leave him on his own at home while you go to work, then surely he could struggle into school on some of these days when he doesn't feel 100%?

YANBU to say that the meeting is at too short notice for you to attend and to ask for it to be rescheduled. But I think you need to have a serious chat with DS about the importance of school. Plenty of people go to school /work when they are not feeling great.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 18/03/2015 11:35

Oh, and FWIW when I was a teenager Dad left the house before we did, but we would never have dared bunk off school! Even if you were really ill you had to phone him and beg and plead to be allowed to stay at home. I remember one occasion with a tooth abscess...

Two things: One, you need to be a bit stricter and start punishing him if he doesn't go to school just because he doesn't fancy it. Two, is there any underlying reason why he doesn't want to go to school? Is he happy there? It's a long(ish) shot, but is it just a bit of teenage hypochondria/laziness, or is there something else, like bullying, going on?

toothlessoldhag · 18/03/2015 11:37

YANBU. Like others have said, (some) schools assume that parents (read: mothers) are sitting at home poised to come in at a moment's notice. It is obviously an important meeting, but not so urgent that it cannot wait a few days.

notsolovely · 18/03/2015 11:38

I have sympathy for you because its not easy to work and have a child on your own. But something needs to be done before his eductation is severely damaged. So, so far this school year he has about 3.5 weeks off? That's alot especially when its mainly self diagnosed on a basis of 'what if I get worse'

What was his attendance like last year? Was it previously good before this?

notsolovely · 18/03/2015 11:40

Also the school would have been silly to send him home alone with concussion. Its dangerous. I don't understand why medical assistance wasn't called though. Our school would call a parent to take them to hospital. Failing that an ambulance.

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 18/03/2015 11:41

If I may ask, could your son be having any issues in school? I only ask, because as a teen (around this age) I used every excuse to stay off school due to bullying. I couldn't tell my mother, she worked a high placed job as well. So I continued not going (was eventually making myself sick in in the mornings), and she continued to rush off to work.

These were in the days just before they started hauling parents to court or sending someone round to the house but she eventually had to go to the school. My attendance had fallen under 45% - I was lucky to pass my GCSEs.

Now it may not transpire to be as bad as that, but something needs to be talked about and nipped in the bud now. Ignoring it or not discussing with both the school and your son could mean it leads to a worse situation. Unless it's actually flu or dandv so bad he's superglued to the toilet, he has to go to school as adults have to go to work. Hope it gets sorted.

Hakluyt · 18/03/2015 11:43

"He has been sick at school and not sent home. He also had mild concussion as a result of being knocked over in the corridor and wasn't sent home then either"

What did they do with him when he was sick? And how was the concussion diagnosed?

sanityseeker75 · 18/03/2015 11:45

I get that it is difficult balancing a career and parenting but 85% is not just falling short of the schools target but will fall massively short of your LEA target.

You do not know how he is feeling before school because by your own admittance you leave way before he does.

You have an important "legal role" so you understand the importance of being where you should be when you should be.

Surely you understand the importance of your DS education and the legal responsibility on you to ensure that your DS gets an education.

I can't decide if you are BU or not but if you do not take the time off to help your DS get this resolved you will be having meetings with welfare officers instead and then you will have to take more time off.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 18/03/2015 11:46

I totally understand how he feels actually.

I also went to a school that wouldn't send me home if I was ill and it lead to panic attacks and an anxiety disorder and eventually being unable to leave the house in case I became ill and couldn't get home.

In the end I missed most of year 9 I think it was.

I don't have any real advice but I just wanted to put across that his side of things isn't actually as unreasonable as some posters seem to think.

MrsFlannel · 18/03/2015 11:52

Is he being bullied OP?

Number3cometome · 18/03/2015 11:53

And the reasons above are exactly why OP should be attending the meeting, sooner rather than later.

Original poster

velvetspoon · 18/03/2015 11:54

I think he is anxious about not being sent home. He also finds school quite boring. He is doing well notwithstanding his absences, at the end of last term he received an achievement award for exceeding his targets.

His gp said he had mild concussion. On that occasion and when he was sick he was sent back to class.

Yes to an extent I agree he needs to man up, but I find it difficult to enforce that when I'm not at home. I can abd do speak to him on thw phone, but i can't assess from that if he is really very ill, or just a bit unwell. I can and do punish him if I think he should have gone into school, but taking away his xbox or computer doesn't really bother him.

OP posts:

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