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AIBU?

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Original poster

to say i can't attend this meeting about DS2s attendance?

461 replies

velvetspoon · 18/03/2015 09:40

Letter received Monday evening asking me to attend a meeting at 1pm on Thursday.

I can't take a day off work with 48 hours notice. And it would have to be a full day due to timing of the meeting.

I replied to that effect, and asked for another day with at least 7 days notice but got a very snippy reply back saying it was a serious matter, and such meetings were important, etc, etc...

OP posts:
Notrevealingmyidentity · 18/03/2015 11:54

She should. But unfortunately working puts food on the table so it's not that simple.

Aberchips · 18/03/2015 11:55

YANBU - as some other posters have said, you cannot demand that someone attends a meeting at a certain time with only 48 hours notice. Most parents these days have work or other commitments they cannot always rearrange/cover at short notice. From what she has said, it does not sound like the OP is being obstructive about the meeting, but that the school is BU about the timing of it. If the school are serious about getting the matter resolved they should be prepared to try & accomodate a reasonable request from the parent to schedule the meeting at a mutually convenient time.

muminhants · 18/03/2015 11:59

Yes the meeting is important but it's not so important that you have to let down colleagues etc at your workplace to attend. The school can and should rearrange.

Hakluyt · 18/03/2015 12:04

What did the school say when you questioned their policy on head injuries?

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 18/03/2015 12:11

Velvet, I was high achieving as well, however by the end I scraped by my GCSEs with mainly Cs and a couple of Bs. I was on course for mainly As. I lost confidence in myself, I made bad choices about my further education. I saw my friend, who had worked had and earned fantastic grades, go to Oxford. It has a knock-on effect and it all starts like this. I understand you have work commitments, but the issue itself has been sorted quickly.

notsolovely · 18/03/2015 12:19

What was the schools response when you told them he had concussion? How long after did your gp give you diagnosis

SeattleGraceMercyDeath · 18/03/2015 12:24

So he isn't even poorly most of the time? He just says he thinks he might get poorly that day and then doesn't take himself to school? I'd have got my arse kicked from my parents for that, he does it because he knows you condone it. Whether you are there physically to ensure he goes to school or not he should respect you enough to go so that you don't get into trouble.

wellcoveredsparerib · 18/03/2015 12:40

It should be you and not your son who makes the decision if he is well enough to go to school or not. From your posts it sounds as if you suspect he is not always ill when he decides not to go in but you have turned a blind eye to this School will expect you to have a plan in place to ensure this doesn't happen in the future. If you continue to let him decide for himself off and when he attends don't be surprised if he stops going altogether. Go to the meeting and work with the school on this

thatsucks · 18/03/2015 12:45

For goodness sake of course you don't have to attend a meeting exactly when the school demands if you have a work commitment, or any other important commitment or event!

I don't know why posters even ask these questions.

You just send an email making it clear you are taking the matter seriously and are just as keen to discuss as the school/attendance officer is, these are the dates and times you can do.

Bunnyjo · 18/03/2015 12:46

Did your GP actually diagnose concussion? And what was the school's response? Concussion can be very serious and requires careful monitoring over a 48hr period - I just cannot imagine the school having such a laissez-faire attitude to a head injury which resulted in concussion.

As to the absences, you seem to be excusing him an awful lot; he is anxious/high achieving/bored. You need to work with school to rectify this, because 85% attendance is very low.

Hakluyt · 18/03/2015 13:01

So, out of interest, what would be considered a serious enough situation for a parent to take a day off work to attend a meeting at school if a child missing a day a week isn't?

Was the potentially dangerous disregarding of a head injury considered important enough?

OnlyLovers · 18/03/2015 13:09

Hak, but she ISN'T saying she won't take the time off. She just can't do the time the school are trying to stipulate, that's all.

parkingpearlclutching · 18/03/2015 13:18

Hakluyt, for me, to do a no-show at an external meeting with 1 working day's notice, what would be serious enough would be: me being completely unable to get out of bed with vomitting, real flu or similar; my child being taken to A and E with serious injury. that's it. When you have an external meeting in the diary, only emergencies trump it, not things that are merely important.

Thymeout · 18/03/2015 13:19

I have a feeling the school may not believe the vomiting or the head injury. There may have been other occasions when he's tried to get out of lessons or be sent home by feigning illness.

It's not unheard of and can easily escalate into full-blown school refusal.

That, coupled with his poor attendance, is obviously a matter for concern.

I agree that it was short notice but it is important and I think this in one of the occasions when you'll need to take time off to meet during office hours.

cestlavielife · 18/03/2015 13:29

when was the concussion? was it really mild? you can get "post concussion syndrome"

my dd has low attendance and a virus knocks her for five days rather then one or two but she has chronic condition and school is fully aware.

you need to go back to gp ask for blood tests in case of underlying deficiency eg anaemia, , address any anxiety, ask for CAMHs referral in case he is avoiding school for any reason.

show school you being pro active

if you cant attend this meeting you cant - offer them alternative dates and times.

dixiechick1975 · 18/03/2015 13:30

Could you attend the meeting by telephone? Then if there needs to be a follow up ask if it could be scheduled at x or y time.

cestlavielife · 18/03/2015 13:30

did the absences increase after the concussion?

Patsyandeddie · 18/03/2015 13:32

Cry wolf springs to mind! He sounds a bit of a wuss to be honest who regularly skives off school 'in case he feels ill' - pathetic!
Surely a 13 year old doesn't need looking after with a bloody cold, it's not life threatening.

OnlyLovers · 18/03/2015 13:33

Are people deliberately misunderstanding?!?

The OP KNOWS this is important. However, while it's important it's NOT urgent (as in time-sensitive). And she's already said to the school that she will of course come to a meeting; she just needs better notice.

Why are people still saying things like 'this in one of the occasions when you'll need to take time off to meet during office hours.'? She's willing to. She just needs more than 48 hours' notice.

For heaven's sake.

Original poster
velvetspoon · 18/03/2015 13:36

I asked to meet after 5, which will still involve me taking time off work but not a full day. I was told this could not be accommodated. I've now been offered an appt at 9am which is the earliest they can do. That will mean I have at least 2 hours to make up at work. I'm not happy about that because i already spend enough time at work, but if they can't be any more flexible it will have to do.

The school are aware of the head injury, they sent an incident note home with him saying he'd been knocked over in the corridor and hit his head on a wall.

Since Sept he's had 2 or 3 consecutive days off after he he hit his head because he felt dizzy and nauseous. Another couple with a very bad cold where he slept for almost all the day (I had the same, luckily mine came on late Friday but wiped me out for the whole weekend), and another 2 single days with sickness/ diarrhoea. All days when he was genuinely ill and I knew he wasn't going to school. There have in addition been other days when I thought he could have tried to go in but hasn't. So far as I'm concerned most of it has been genuine illness. The other is the fear of not being allowed to go home, which may be just an excuse on his part but I am aware could turn into anxiety if the school persist in their approach. I will be asking at the meeting for them to tell DS he will be allowed to leave,or at least be given a quiet place to work if feeling ill. Their current approach of telling him (in front of me) that even if he asks they will refuse to let him leave because of his low attendance seems counter intuitive to me.

OP posts:
Notrevealingmyidentity · 18/03/2015 13:36

So was I pathetic too patsy ?

TheClacksAreDown · 18/03/2015 13:37

I feel for you OP. You're trying to manage adifficult situation (as a lone parent?) with unhelpful official decrees flying in. I think there are a number of issues.

First this level of attendance without serious health problems is a real issue and you absolutely need to be working with the school to resolve it. Perhaps the school aren't being helpful but I can understand their stance about not letting him go home of they don't have firm evidence of illness. The situation has to change And his attendance has to improve.

Second you need to be SEEN to be cooperating with the school else they are likely to start viewing you as part of the problem. I agree the 48 hours notice for1pm is unreasonable but you are going to need to find a way to attend or do a call urgently.

Third your sons attitude and/or morning support is going to have to change. He cannot continue to stay home if he doesn't feel 100% just in case he gets worse. It will really harm his achievement, perhaps less in absolute terms but in terms of what he COULD achieve. If he is not mature enough to do this then I think you need to look at how it is dealt with. Do you get to see him at all in the morning - if so can you agree the situation then. If not can you get an au pair or a part time mature "housekeeper" to get him off to school?

As a short term measure I think all illness at home needs to be boring regardless of how genuine the illness. No telly no internet no dvds. Dis incentivise staying home.

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 18/03/2015 13:38

Only, people can see that the short notice is an understanding issues, that her job does not allow her to just up and go to a meeting. However, the issue that has caused the meeting is quite a serious one, and although she can't attend today, people are suggesting the matter should be dealt with quickly. It didn't seem from the OP, that the poster thought it was a huge issue and her needing to be at work means she can't make him go to school. That is a problem for her, her son and the school. It's only advice, the op can take it, leave it or ask us to drop it if she wants.

SunnyBaudelaire · 18/03/2015 13:41

I do feel for you too OP, you are a working single parent and life is not easy.

BUT
"The other is the fear of not being allowed to go home,"

why on earth would the school let pupils just go home if they feel a bit ill?
Surely they would be failing in their duty of care if they did so!
I think you need to push him a bit harder to go in tbh.
The school needs you on their side.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 18/03/2015 13:42

My mum also left the house before i got up for school, when i started pulling sickies (i even used to wash the floor to show where the sick had been) it was because i was being bullied.

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