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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I unreasonable to not tell new boyfriend about past genital warts?

227 replies

fmlfmlfml · 17/03/2015 23:02

I had genital warts about a year ago and had it treated and have seemed to be clear of them since then.

I recently met a new guy, and it has been going great. I didn't mention the previous genital warts because I assumed as I was clear of them there would be no risk of him catching them. So about 2 weeks ago I decided to do some more extreme hair removal down below than I had been doing and spotted A FUCKING WART. I have no idea when this had appeared. I could have had it for weeks, which means it's very likely hes been exposed to it during sex and may have caught it. :( I've been treating this wart, and now all hell has broken loose down there, I think because I'm a bit run down with a cold, but now I have several fairly obvious warts.

I think I have two options... come clean to boyfriend, he will probably be disgusted and angry and it will be over. Or make up another reason to end it and hope that he hasn't caught it and doesn't put two and two together..... It's so upsetting because I've really clicked with him. It's only been a few months but I could see potential in the relationship...

I feel like a horrible horrible person, and like some kind of STI typhoid mary. It was a genuine mistake but I'm thinking should I have been honest in the very beginning about the past infection?? I don't know what the hell your supposed to do in this situation, tell everyone and never have sex again?? I feel like I'm damaged goods and will never have a chance of a relationship again!

OP posts:
Marynary · 22/03/2015 11:27

Marynary Ops first outbreak could have been just 4-6moths before she started this relationship. So yes, she should have told him!

If it was within the period of time experts agree that she may have still been infectious then she should have told him. If the warts had long disappeared and advice from medical professionals was that she was no longer infectious in the absence of warts then I don't agree that she was irresponsible to not tell him. It is possible that medical experts are wrong and there was a minute chance that she was still infectious but considering that warts are not dangerous is seems ridiculous over the top to suggest that all future partners must be told however long afterwards the infection occurred.

differentnameforthis · 23/03/2015 01:48

It doesn't bloody matter if they are dangerous or not...the current bf should have been told that she has warts as little as 6mths before they started having sex!

I will decide if I want to be in contact with a STI, not someone who deems it not important to tell me because they "like sex!"

Regardless of the long term outcome, I decide what I am prepared to do when around an infectious person.

Same as chicken pox - if someone I know has it, I will avoid them, because I have already had it twice so am susceptible to getting it again.

The whole point is op knew she had an infectious virus within a short time frame to starting a new sexual relationship. She should have told the bf & given him the choice as to weather he was willing to risk it.

That [the shock discovery of a wart] happened because she hasn't been checking for them as she should have been doing for a couple of years after the first occurence. It has nothing to with whether or not she should have told her ex about her previous infection. And? So now, if he has warts, he will be pissed off at her (and rightly so). IF she had told him before they had sex, the discovery that she has a wart & had possibly been having sex during the time it was there wouldn't have been such a shock for him, as he would have known it was a possibility & that he had chosen to take that risk.

Nothing about this makes the op look good, or innocent. She lied & has possibly given a partner warts, which he now has to deal with & live with. Not being honest about your sexual history is what causes STIs to become common place & about as acceptable as the common cold!

Honestly....if op was posting about her bf having given her warts this would be a very different thread!!

differentnameforthis · 23/03/2015 01:52

over the top to suggest that all future partners must be told however long afterwards the infection occurred.

I am not advocating that ALL partners know,..but many have said here that it takes 2yrs to be clear, so any new partners within 2yrs should be told that there is a possibility she could infect them.

bedhaven · 23/03/2015 08:14

I'd say YANBU for not telling him you've had them in the past. The majority of sexually active people have been exposed to the wart virus. Most people's immune system clear them afte 18 months but some don't. The human papilloma virus that causes genital warts can be transmitted even when you don't have visible warts. If he has been exposed, unless he's a virgin the chances of it only coming from you decreases with the number of partners he's had. The newer vaccines offered to pre (hopefully) sexually active girls protects against the virus' that cause cervical cancers and now also genital warts. Warts are currently the most commonly seen symptom in a sexual health clinic. The only reason YABU is to treat them yourself (what with?!) get yourself and your partner to a sexual health clinic. Get some proper treatment (usually a cream you apply yourself) for you along with a full sexual health screen for both of you. Then you'll know you are clear of other more problematic STI's and it allows you to openly discuss your sexual health.

worridmum · 23/03/2015 15:04

Warts might not be a serous STI but you should inform your partners of them

(espically for the life limiting ones like HIV which i think is now classed as a criminal offence now of knowingly not telling a partner that you are postive completely different of been infected and not knowing to actully knowing you are HIV postive and not caring )

grannytomine · 23/03/2015 15:25

TheCrimsonQueen if you want to know ask, why assume they will tell you. By the way before you ask I hope you get yourself checked out and remember the normal STI tests don't show your HSV status so get a special test for that one. I don't even know why tests they can do to check if you have the HPV virus but no symptoms. Don't put it all on someone else.

Feckeggblue · 23/03/2015 15:51

"He has a right to know and in some cases its a criminal offence to give someone an std/sti (if you know you have it) if you didn't warn them about it."

Slw when did this happen? Last I looked into it (few years ago) a few civil prosecutions for assault against partners infected by stis had failed and not heard of prosecution by the CPS at all. I believe someone has been successfully prosecuted for infecting intentionally with HIV but I don't think that was in England/ wales?

I contracted herpes from DHs cold sore 10 years ago. No outbreak since. I've not needed to tell anyone as we're still married.
A friend is dating and has told each partner she has herpes early on. Each has been kind but disappeared. What if that's it? No more relationships/ sex because she is being honest about something 80% of the population have?

I wouldn't do that.

Original poster
fmlfmlfml · 25/03/2015 00:55

soooo spanner in the works.....

we met today and despite really liking him we've decided to call it a day..... and this happened before i coukd bring up the genital warts.... shiiiiit

OP posts:
NeedABumChange · 25/03/2015 01:11

You really can't leave it unsaid. He could so easily infect lots of women unknowingly.

Just text him. Keep it really factual. Then block number and hope you never bump into him?

Or send him an anonymous card, like some clinics do?

They normally say something like- we have recently seen someone you have had sexual contact with. They tested positive for xxx but negative for everything else. We would advise both for your own and any current partners health and well being to get yourself checked up ASAP.

ArseForElbow · 25/03/2015 17:48

Just text him, then block him.

miniavenger · 26/03/2015 17:00

You need to tell him, OP. He may not notice until too late either.

Mumfortoddler · 26/03/2015 19:28

You ABU. Firstly do you not wash every day? How did you not notice you had them emerge? Why didn't you and why haven't you talked to your partner yet? You're spreading an incurable disease and you're being irresponsible not telling your dp. I realise its rm er embarrassing, but your dp is going to find out sooner or later. You better get it over and done with because if he is infected its better he hears it from you before the virus breaks out. Good luck getting it sorted. Anyone who really loves you will stand by you but only if your honest and agree a strategy for disease prevention.

biggles50 · 26/03/2015 22:08

Well to be fair to you fml you were right to think you were clear of them. They can reappear but not in crops unless you've been reinfected so go straight to your gp. Be honest tell your bf you had an infection but we're treated.

yumyumpoppycat · 27/03/2015 01:34

Mumfortoddler did you read the thread? Warts are not an incurable disease they are an extremely common virus that the body usually clears by itself within 2 years. Visible warts also appear not to be the strain of HPV that can be linked with cancer. Warts can also be internal and not visible, and according to one poster on here they can be very small, the OP also explained it was only on shaving that it became noticeable. So actually YOU are being unreasonable.

FireCanal · 27/03/2015 02:31

GUM clinics don't do contact tracing for genital warts!

BitOfFun · 27/03/2015 02:41

I despair at the level of ignorance here sometimes. Mumfortoddler, would it kill you to read on a bit before pronouncing? Honestly, it's attitudes like that which perpetuate shame and secrecy around these basic health issues.

FireCanal · 27/03/2015 02:46

I despair at the level of ignorance here sometimes. Mumfortoddler, would it kill you to read on a bit before pronouncing? Honestly, it's attitudes like that which perpetuate shame and secrecy around these basic health issues.

I agree. I had to pick my jaw up from the floor by the time I got to the end Shock

Kittymum03 · 27/03/2015 05:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Balaboosta · 27/03/2015 06:58

Don't be embarrassed! This stuff happens. Remember he's also taken a risk by choosing to have sex with you, a risk one voluntarily assumes with any new partner. Doesn't mean you have to split up either! See it as a test of your new relationship, just tell him in as matter of fact manner as you can and see how he responds. It's nobody's fault - this stuff happens. if the relationship has legs, he'll deal with it - in sickness and in health!

lukeluke1988 · 09/12/2017 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CheshireChat · 09/12/2017 13:39

Zombie!!

Also nobody wants to hear a saga about your dick.

Particularly not on a predominantly female site and without context.

VladmirsPoutine · 09/12/2017 13:44

lukeluke1988 Start your own thread without resurrecting a dead thread.
And stop being so over-dramatic. FGS!

ILiveUnderYourBed · 09/12/2017 13:47

Erm.
That is all.

ManchesterGin · 09/12/2017 14:36

Zombie! But I can't let this pass without commenting on

I was frustratingly masterbating in her face but to to avail

What the actual hell?!!! Sounds like you have some strange ideas about what you are automatically entitled to. Yuk yuk yuk. The new girl has had a very lucky escape in my opinion.

MillennialFalcon · 09/12/2017 14:44

Luke You're coming across as creepy. No one wants to hear about you masturbating in someone's face to try and pressure them into performing oral. You really can't be that shy if you would share that with a bunch of strangers on the internet. You have a manageable condition that you need to discuss with your doctor, not a bunch of strangers on the internet by resurrecting a 2 year old thread. Your life isn't over and anyway it was excessive to plan an entire future with your colleague before even going on one date. She is probably confused and upset that you stopped talking to her "for her own protection" though, she can't catch anything from a conversation! Ignoring her because you think a sexual relationship is less of a possibility is disrespectful, especially when you still have to work together. I know you are upset about this issue but honestly I think that your attitudes to women and lack of social understanding are a bigger barrier to a relationship.