Was I unreasonable to not tell new boyfriend about past genital warts?

[fmlfmlfml]

I had genital warts about a year ago and had it treated and have seemed to be clear of them since then.

I recently met a new guy, and it has been going great. I didn't mention the previous genital warts because I assumed as I was clear of them there would be no risk of him catching them. So about 2 weeks ago I decided to do some more extreme hair removal down below than I had been doing and spotted A FUCKING WART. I have no idea when this had appeared. I could have had it for weeks, which means it's very likely hes been exposed to it during sex and may have caught it. :( I've been treating this wart, and now all hell has broken loose down there, I think because I'm a bit run down with a cold, but now I have several fairly obvious warts.

I think I have two options... come clean to boyfriend, he will probably be disgusted and angry and it will be over. Or make up another reason to end it and hope that he hasn't caught it and doesn't put two and two together..... It's so upsetting because I've really clicked with him. It's only been a few months but I could see potential in the relationship...

I feel like a horrible horrible person, and like some kind of STI typhoid mary. It was a genuine mistake but I'm thinking should I have been honest in the very beginning about the past infection?? I don't know what the hell your supposed to do in this situation, tell everyone and never have sex again?? I feel like I'm damaged goods and will never have a chance of a relationship again!

Lots of posters here are speaking with authority yet know zero about warts. OP please ignore most of the posts here and get your info from a GUM clinic or reputable website.

More than 50 percent of people will have a genital warts virus during their lifetime, although many will never notice any visible warts.
Genital warts do not live in your body forever. They can live in your body for a while and have recurrences, but at some point your immune system will get rid of the virus.
Although unsightly, they are harmless (unless pregnant). The HPV viruses that cause cancer are distinct from the ones causing genital warts.

OP YANBU for not telling him about your past genital warts infection. There was no need to.
You should tell him about your current wart though. But you could have caught it from him- there are two common viruses- he may have caught the virus from a previous relationship but never had any visible warts, or not noticed them, or not told you about them.

I hope your wart is effectively treated. If you go to the GUM clinic they may offer you cryotherapy (freezing) treatment rather than a cream/ ointment.

When you tell him it would be a good idea to have an advice leaflet at hand in case he is as misinformed as many of the people on this thread!

www.patient.co.uk/health/anogenital-warts-leaflet

Yes she needs to be honest with him

Boyfriend... I just found a wart. I don't know who passed it on to whom but we need to get ourselves to the clinic.

Because that is all anyone knows. The OP does not have to tell him she had them before and they cleared up no more than someone who previously had an STI which was cleared up with antibiotics needs to divulge their past experience with it should they get it again with a new partner.

All anyone knows is she had it in the past. She believed she was clear. She has new partner. She now has warts. It is not like herpes, she has no idea she gave the virus to him and it is just as likely he gave the virus to her.

People advising her to tell him about her past are basing that opinion on false medical information.

sounds like a broken record

I found out a couple of months ago that DH had had warts at some point before he met me. I was pissed off at first because before we had DS we both went to the clinic to get checked out and I thought he'd have told me about them then. It just never occurred to him though until we were talking about something related a couple of months ago. They've never come back so that's at least 7 years clear of them and I can't say I'm bothered at all now that he didn't tell me.
I think just tell him you've found a wart, you're really sorry you thought you wouldn't get them again and he needs to get checked out. If it is a deal breaker for him then it's better off now rather than years down the line.

If you have risked giving him a virus that he will have for the rest of his life and affect his whole life then YHBVU

RTF Suggestausername

The proper information that is.

OP I think it was your responsibility to have found out what effect having had warts meant. You shouldn't have assumed you were clear of the virus.

If your Dr didn't give you any advice on how long you may have the infection I think they were incredibly remiss.

What ever % of the population may have this virus doesn't mean it is OK to go and just have sex without warning them.

A sexual health check before a new partner is sensible for both parties. People need to get over the embarrassment. It has to be less embarrassing to have a frank chat and check up than to have to go through what OP is now.

actually i don't think it is my responsibilty to go digging for info beyond what my gp told me, (aint nobody got time for that...) drs should give more comprehensive advice. i am not responsible for the nhs guidlines...

thanks for the thoughts everyone, its given me a lot to think on :s

I do feel very bad for u. First things first, I would get yourself to a GU clinic to get checked out and they will be able to give u the correct treatment. I'm afraid I think they will say to tell any partner u have, but I think it's important to stress that it is a dormant virus, and he himself could even have it without yet knowing, and I don't mean from u but from past partners. If he does want to walk then I'm afraid I don't think he's worth it. However, if u are both happy to continue your relationship, I'm sure there are ways to reduce chance of recurrence/passing on the virus. U need to get to a GU clinic and they will give u all the help and advice u need. It's not the end of the World, though I know it probably feels like that to u atm. Noone broadcasts these things, but it is surprisingly very common. Good luck.

also with these stats about how many people will have been exposed to hpv i would imagine some of the people who have given me a roasting might have hpv in their system.... biding its time....

I think the difference really lies with knowing you have it and not sharing that information vs not knowing you have it. I haven't ever Had an sti that I am aware of so therefore have no information to share with future partners.

I would be very upset in this situation and I can't help but think if a guy posted this thread it would be unanimous that he was being unreasonable.

these things happen and it's nothing to be ashamed of but I do think honesty is the best policy. your right to a sexual life doesn't trump someone else making informed decisions about their sexual health.

Regardless of whatever's happened in the past, you've found something on you after shaving that needs checking at the GUM clinic ASAP, and as you're in a relationship you need to take him with you to the clinic, or tell him about it so he can go separately to the clinic. Stop dwelling on where it's come from etc, and just deal with the situation in a grown up, responsible way. You can then get some reliable info from the right people (hopefully together).

Unless they have reason to think they are infectious, I don't see why anyone should share information about STI that they have had in the past.

"actually i don't think it is my responsibilty to go digging for info beyond what my gp told me, (aint nobody got time for that...) drs should give more comprehensive advice. i am not responsible for the nhs guidlines..."

You trusted your GP, fmlfmlfml - perfectly reasonable, imo. I am a compulsive Googler, so probably would look for more information after I'd seen my doctor - but it isn't always easy to tell what's accurate and useful information, and what's not - and sometimes all the conflicting information can be more of a disadvantage than an advantage.

OP please come back and tell us what your boyfriend says.

But a normal cells on a smear , whilst possibly being due to Hpv are not always due to Hpv?

I do hope I am not confusing things. I know the difference between HPV and herpes. I was discussing the OPs situation and comparing with my own.

I am aware also that herpes virus is for life just wondering about my own non recurrence and how normal that is for it to come up once in twenty years. I've been run down over the past five years and had shingles and flu but never any blemishes from this. And like HPV I'm wondering if I have to be in active outbreak to pass along? It's all theoretical as I usually tell any sexual partners my history plus get checked. This post has simply made me want a better understanding.

I hope OP I haven't confused you. And that things go well with treatment and your boyfriend.

Name changed for this. As my name suggests I had genital warts thirty years ago, I was 19. I only had one partner and he was the first one I slept with and we Always used a condom! You can get them while using condoms.

I had mine cauterized as that is how they dealt with them back then. I have had many partners since then and have been married 20 years. I've never ever had another wart nor have given then to anyone after I was cauterized. I'm not sure what op's treatment was but after my treatment I was not contagious.

After 3-6 months if you have no outbreaks you are classed as clear of the virus according to many clinics and research, so you had no need to tell him based on the advice from the GUM clinics ... The body pretty much always clears the HPV strain that causes warts in two years

Well if it takes 2 yrs, you obviously aren't ''clear" after 3 mths!

actually i don't think it is my responsibilty to go digging for info beyond what my gp told me, (aint nobody got time for that...) drs should give more comprehensive advice. i am not responsible for the nhs guidlines..

Sorry op, but your posts shout out that you think what you did is no your fault & that it isn't that serious anyway and so you don't care & won't be planning on being straight with your bf. And to think pps have said that HE isn't worth being with if he gets angry...where's the personal responsibility?

I am pleased it is just warts you have, and nothing more serious...because your attitude towards it is so blasé!

also with these stats about how many people will have been exposed to hpv i would imagine some of the people who have given me a roasting might have hpv in their system.... biding its time....

It is completely different op, to not knowing you have it & passing it on, to knowing that as recent as 12mths ago you had it, and didn't give your bf the courtesy of knowing.

Your time line is shady too... "about a year ago" could be 8-10 mths ago (Jun/Aug)
"I recently met a new guy" could be 4-6 mths ago (Oct/Dec).

So everyone is assuming & basing their answers on there having been a yrs gap between your break out & your relationship, but it could be as little as 4-6 between the outbreak & your new relationship.

The virus can lie dormant in any of us who've had sexual contact with someone with gentital warts.
My friend who had them years ago has been celibate for ten years and has recently had an outbreak due to her immune system being low - first one in ten years. Just shows any of us could be carriers

I had genital warts about 25 years ago, in my 20s. I was treated, they were painted once a week with some kind of freezing solution. I have never had a recurrence.

If I started a sexual relationship now, at 48 it wouldn't even enter my head to mention it. It's only reading this thread that reminded me.

ToBeeOrNot
Thanks for replying to me.

I understand what you're saying, especially, as a lot of people have pointed out, the virus only tends to stay in the body for 2 years, and isn't permanent like herpes for example.

I suppose the thing I'm struggling to understand is How do you know that your body has got rid of it? How do you know that it won't reoccur?

And if there is even a microscopic chance of that happening, do you not have a moral obligation to inform a new partner, so they can make an informed decision about whether they want to take that risk?

It just that it has the potential to be very dangerous, so not akin to a cold in my mind? (Although obviously nothing like HIV, what a ridiculous comparison)

Rocket

In very very rare cases they can be passed to the baby in childbirth. However, apart from that, they do not have the potential to be dangerous.

Even in pregnancy it is very rare to pass them on and you can be treated for them in pregnancy lowering the risk.

Please point out to me how they can be very dangerous?

And again, the guidelines are to wear condoms for 3 months after they have cleared.

As for a moral obligation? if I was single I would assume everyone I slept with has been exposed to the HPV virus and that I am taking that risk every time I have sex. I think everyone has a moral obligation to inform someone when they have an STI of course. As adults we should all know that when we sleep with anyone we are likely to be exposed to HPV at one time or another. It sucks, but with how common it is it is pretty unavoidable unless you never have sex. So no, I didn't feel the need to tell my husband before we had sex there was a microscopic chance I have the HPV virus because as an adult, he was well aware that everyone has that chance of being exposed to HPV.

Should she tell someone in 5 years time she once had warts? after all, it may not be cleared then either.

And I hope if any of you had an abnormal smear you plan to inform any new partner that you once carried HPV, because you may still be carrying it and even one of the strains that can lead to cancer.

Hi U2

I wasn't talking about the strain that causes warts.

The poster I was asking the questions to has said she had previously had a strain of the HPV virus that can cause people to be at an increased risk of developing certain kinds of cancer.

HTH

Yes, the strains that can cause cancer, that's what I'm referring to.