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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I unreasonable to not tell new boyfriend about past genital warts?

227 replies

fmlfmlfml · 17/03/2015 23:02

I had genital warts about a year ago and had it treated and have seemed to be clear of them since then.

I recently met a new guy, and it has been going great. I didn't mention the previous genital warts because I assumed as I was clear of them there would be no risk of him catching them. So about 2 weeks ago I decided to do some more extreme hair removal down below than I had been doing and spotted A FUCKING WART. I have no idea when this had appeared. I could have had it for weeks, which means it's very likely hes been exposed to it during sex and may have caught it. :( I've been treating this wart, and now all hell has broken loose down there, I think because I'm a bit run down with a cold, but now I have several fairly obvious warts.

I think I have two options... come clean to boyfriend, he will probably be disgusted and angry and it will be over. Or make up another reason to end it and hope that he hasn't caught it and doesn't put two and two together..... It's so upsetting because I've really clicked with him. It's only been a few months but I could see potential in the relationship...

I feel like a horrible horrible person, and like some kind of STI typhoid mary. It was a genuine mistake but I'm thinking should I have been honest in the very beginning about the past infection?? I don't know what the hell your supposed to do in this situation, tell everyone and never have sex again?? I feel like I'm damaged goods and will never have a chance of a relationship again!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 17/03/2015 23:03

Isn't it much more likely that he gave them to you?

ImperialBlether · 17/03/2015 23:04

When you got rid of them before, they were gone. This lot now aren't anything to do with the ones you had then. Go to an STI clinic and get them to sort them out, but I think you do have to talk to him about them.

Original poster

fmlfmlfml · 17/03/2015 23:04

Nope, I had the original outbreak before I was with him. I know who I got them from as well, it was a previous boyfriend :(

OP posts:

MissMuesli · 17/03/2015 23:05

Genital warts are abit like coldsores in that the virus will always lay dormant and be there so any sexual partners are at risk even though there are no visible warts. I think you were unreasonable not telling your partner but I understand why you might not have done. I do think you now need to swallow your pride and tell him.

CountingThePennies · 17/03/2015 23:07

I only know about genital herpes not warts.

Do you carry the virus for life like you do with herpes?

How often are your outbreaks?

As far as im aware, condoms dont protect against herpes so im guessing they wont protect against warts.

I havent told previous partners in the past about herpes as as long as im not on a out break or not on the shedding period after an outbreak then its ok.

To my knowledge i havent past it on to anyone

MissMuesli · 17/03/2015 23:08

I'm sorry just checked and don't think info I gave was correct! I do still think you need to tell him though!

BlueBananas · 17/03/2015 23:08

Tbh I don't think you need to tell him you've had them before, maybe just tell him you have them now? Then he won't be certain if you gave them to him or he gave them to you but at least you can both get treated?

Gintonic · 17/03/2015 23:08

Yes you were totally unreasonable - surely you must have been aware that the virus is always in your system? You knew you were putting him at risk. It must be awful to have to live with something like that, but that doesn't give you the right to inflict it on other people.

I think you should be honest with him now it is the least he deserves.

ImperialBlether · 17/03/2015 23:09

But OP, you'd got rid of them then, hadn't you? Why do you not think your boyfriend gave them to you? They're all over the place now; it's just as likely he gave them to you, just as the other guy did.

AnyFucker · 17/03/2015 23:09

I hope this isn't too obvious a question but why weren't you using condoms ?

PeachyParisian · 17/03/2015 23:09

The virus never really goes away, so all you can really do if you're not wanting to tell partners about it is make sure you don't have any before DTD.
Put yourself in his shoes, would you want to know if you'd been exposed to a STD? What if he doesn't realise he has the virus and passes it on?

Eternity48 · 17/03/2015 23:10

You do need to tell him I'm afraid, he has a right to know so he can get himself checked out.

Original poster

fmlfmlfml · 17/03/2015 23:11

AnyFucker, condoms don't protect you from them.

OP posts:

WannabeLaraCroft · 17/03/2015 23:12

Even if it is you who has now possibly spread this to him, I don't think it would be fair of him to be annoyed at you. You ARE innocent - yes you contracted an STI from a previous sexual relationship but you had it treated and you were clean as far as you knew. All you can do is fess up and I'm sure he'll be reasonable about it. It's not as if you cheated on him and passed it on that way.

If it turns out it was HIM who had it from a previous relationship, thought it was cleared and passed it to you, I'm sure you'd be understanding, so what makes you think he won't?

Then maybe you should both go to your gp/clinic and get a sexual health check and start from scratch

Fingers crossed for you op!

AnyFucker · 17/03/2015 23:14

I was under the impression that condoms will give some protection against genital warts but not 100%

I know what dice I would be rolling in a new relationship, history of warts or not

msgrinch · 17/03/2015 23:15

I really hope you're with my ex.

anyway yabu you need to tell him. It's unfair otherwise.

Original poster

fmlfmlfml · 17/03/2015 23:15

I think the thing is I wouldn't be understanding if it was the other way around, I'd be quite annoyed and disgusted :( I'm pretty sure It's way too early in the relationship for him to be okay with a partner having an incurable STI that they probably now have.

If condoms protected you from them I wouldn't have them, I've always been careful and was devestated when I first got them.

I guess I will have to talk to him... I don't think it's going to be a nice 'Hey, we're both lepers now!' bonding experience :,(

OP posts:

coolaschmoola · 17/03/2015 23:16

There is no cure for the virus. Genital warts can and do come back, even after treatment. I'm not sure I would be trying to lay the blame on him, particularly after a short time as the virus takes weeks and even months to develop.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 17/03/2015 23:16

You were enormously unreasonable not to tell him, careless not to be checking yourself meticulously for breakouts and would be quite a shitty person to just stop seeing him without telling him you've exposed him to an STD.

AnyFucker · 17/03/2015 23:17

condoms afford some protection which is better than zero

anyway, I don't want to derail any further

I am sorry. This is crap for you. You have to tell him.

CountingThePennies · 17/03/2015 23:17

The people saying it wasnt fair to tell him etc...

Would you tell someone you was going to kiss that you suffered from cold sores occasionally? Because if you dont then you are in the same position as the op

Original poster

fmlfmlfml · 17/03/2015 23:18

for condoms to give protection Anyfucker the warts would have to be on the mans shaft or up inside the vagina, rather than anywhere in that general area. The BF i caught them from it was near his asshole. So unless there is somekind of special condom with attatched latex pants I havent heard of...

OP posts:

RocketInMyPocket · 17/03/2015 23:18

Quite honestly yes, you should have told him.
As MissMuesli said, genital warts are like coldsores in that the virus is always there laying dormant, and can become active again at any time, illness being run down etc. can be 'triggers'.

I'm surprised you thought you had 'gotten rid of them'. Were you told it was likely to return? Do you feel you got adequate advice when you were first diagnosed?

It's awful for you though, I'm sorry your ex put you in this position, but it can be argued that you are now just as bad, as you may have infected this new guy.

As painful and embarrassing/shameful as it may be, you HAVE to come clean now.
I'm sure you felt a lot of resentment towards your ex, chances are that's how this guy will feel about you.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you HAVE to tell people in future before you sleep with them, otherwise you are taking away their choice as to whether they're willong to take that risk.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 17/03/2015 23:19

I'd check myself for cold sores. And it'd be very obvious to both me and the other person if I had one. So the kissing wouldn't happen.

msgrinch · 17/03/2015 23:19

err yes of course. Surely anyone would. Luckily I've never had herpes or cold sores but if I did of course I'd warn another human before inflicting it on them.

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