Was I unreasonable to not tell new boyfriend about past genital warts?

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I had genital warts about a year ago and had it treated and have seemed to be clear of them since then.

I recently met a new guy, and it has been going great. I didn't mention the previous genital warts because I assumed as I was clear of them there would be no risk of him catching them. So about 2 weeks ago I decided to do some more extreme hair removal down below than I had been doing and spotted A FUCKING WART. I have no idea when this had appeared. I could have had it for weeks, which means it's very likely hes been exposed to it during sex and may have caught it. :( I've been treating this wart, and now all hell has broken loose down there, I think because I'm a bit run down with a cold, but now I have several fairly obvious warts.

I think I have two options... come clean to boyfriend, he will probably be disgusted and angry and it will be over. Or make up another reason to end it and hope that he hasn't caught it and doesn't put two and two together..... It's so upsetting because I've really clicked with him. It's only been a few months but I could see potential in the relationship...

I feel like a horrible horrible person, and like some kind of STI typhoid mary. It was a genuine mistake but I'm thinking should I have been honest in the very beginning about the past infection?? I don't know what the hell your supposed to do in this situation, tell everyone and never have sex again?? I feel like I'm damaged goods and will never have a chance of a relationship again!

I have named changed. My Ex gave me herpes as he didn't feel it was necessary to disclose the information. I on the other hand, when dating, did disclose the fact that I had suffered from it (2 visible outbreaks in 11 years). Some didn't care but to one it did matter and he couldn't go further. Another needed to read about it before deciding he was ok with it. It was their right to know and they were grateful I told them. They all appreciated it. I saw it as my obligation to tell them. Not being goady or giving myself a pat on the back for being "responsible". I just think partners should know. When I got it, it ruined my life. ex dumped me straight after he found out he gave me herpes, went off to date someone else, I had a breakdown as I couldn't cope with the idea of having/being a carrier. It further lead to severe OCD, hypochondria, failing exams and a chain of events that ruined my 20s. I think I would have coped better if it had happened now ( in my 30s).

And as for you thinking you have no need to know about this beyond what your GP said, that is a stupid attitude. If you can open a mumsnet account, you can google genital warts. It takes a few minutes to know that HPV stays in your system. How can a GP not tell you that you remain a carrier and will have further possible outbreaks? It is correct that many of us will be carriers without symptoms, but you knew and you didn't disclose. It is morally wrong at the very least to know you are a carrier and not disclose.

Your latest responses just indicate how immature you are.

Genital warts is not the same as herpes 2014wasawful If OP has searched the internet she would have found that advice is there is no need to tell future partners. She is not contagious for life. Your response shows how immature you are in my opinion.

From the CDC

It is not clear if there is any health benefit to telling future sex partners about a past diagnosis of genital warts (once the warts are treated). That is because it is not known if or how long you will remain contagious after your treatment.

From an MD

There are no hard and fast rules about disclosure of past HPV infections. Below are links to two thread that discuss the issue in detail. In general, I don't think it's necessary. For every person with diagnosed HPV, there are 10-20 others who have had HPV (and may still have it) -- so informing partners doesn't materially lower the chance they will be infected.

2014 before you call the OP immature get your facts right

However, studies show that in most cases a healthy immune system will be likely to clear, or suppress, HPV eventually. Some cases may persist for years and result in recurrent lesions, but this is not the norm

HPV DNA detected in research studies eventually test negative, often within a year or two.

www.nccc-online.org/index.php/hpv-and-relationships

Try opening google yourself.

OP, I really feel for you on this. There are a lot of posters on this thread talking complete rubbish tbh. As others have rightly said, the strain of HPV that causes genital warts does not cause cancer of any type.

I had an outbreak of warts myself about 6 years ago. I don't know who I caught them from. I told the three people I've been sexually active since. Of those, afaik none of them have had an outbreak (DH certainly hasn't) and I haven't had another either.

At the time mine flared up, the nurse at the GUM clinic said it can happen when you're ill, run down or stressed. I'd just had flu and was going through a really stressful time at work.

It is perfectly possible to have HPV and not know. It is possible to have HPV and never have an outbreak of warts.

OP, yes, I do think you should tell your boyfriend. He has a right to know. But at the same time, if you were given incorrect information by your GP, that's hardly your fault.

I would arm yourself with a lot of facts, leaflets, whatever you can get your hands on, before you tell your boyfriend. That way, you can talk it through with him and make sure he's properly informed.

Good luck OP

The OP said the following: “actually i don't think it is my responsibilty to go digging for info beyond what my gp told me, (aint nobody got time for that...) drs should give more comprehensive advice. i am not responsible for the nhs guidlines...” AND “also with these stats about how many people will have been exposed to hpv i would imagine some of the people who have given me a roasting might have hpv in their system.... biding its time....”. I maintain that she is immature.

As for needing to Google facts, I refer you to my previous post. I do know what I am talking about as the freaking STI lead me down a path of severe OCD and hypochondria, whereby I read and checked every book/leaflet/ site available and would even go to GUM clinics when I had not had any partners since my last visit, because I feared getting it again and was paranoid that I had other types of STI. My reaction and my eventual development of various issues may not be typical of someone who catches a normally non-life threatening STI, but it did happen to me. So I do know what I am talking about.

If you think I am immature, well meh. The bottom line is one may pass it on even if there are no symptoms. If you know you are a carrier, at the very least it is courteous and at the most it is morally right to tell future partners.

Genial warts and herpes are not the same.

So no. You do not know what you are talking about.

You had herpes the OP has warts

The principle that applies is the same though. If one is the carrier of an STI that can be passed on, it is disclosable.

Except you are still wrong

It takes a few minutes to know that HPV stays in your system. How can a GP not tell you that you remain a carrier and will have further possible outbreaks?

If you took a few minutes to google you would see that it mostly clears itself after 2 years at the most and that she will not remain a carrier.

Don't tell the OP it takes a few minutes to find out information that you wouldn't find out yourself properly.

didn't... no wouldn't.

I'm a recovering hypochondriac. I have learned to listen to the doctors and not to go home and hit google for more information, so I dont think the Op is unreasonable for not researching it. Any hypochondriac will be well aware googling is bad bad and bad.

Op it would not have occured to me to say anything, not because I'm immoral but because I wouldn't have thought it would be something you carried for life. I hope he takes it well.

The principle that applies is the same though. If one is the carrier of an STI that can be passed on, it is disclosable.

The principle is not the same. OP wasn't contagious (until the warts flared) so had no reason to mention it to her new partner especially considering that warts are only a minor curable problem. If she had a wart on her finger years ago would you expect her to mention that to all future partners too in case she was still contagious?

Hi U2

I doubt the poster who I asked my question to will be back, so what do you think?

I am not trying to engage in hyperbole, but as you've said yourself, it mostly goes away after 2 years, so there is a chance, however minute, that it won't and it the same infection can present itself again.

In the cases where it can cause an increased risk of cancer (which is what I was referring to when I said very dangerous, I'm sure you'll agree), do you think there is a moral obligation to disclose to a new partner?
However small the risk?

The FDC quote you bolded said it wasn't clear if there was any need, not that there wasn't.
I'm assuming this is because there is a small chance of it not clearing, and the same infection presenting again?

Rocket.. I think it's a bit tricky and not so straight forward.

If I recently just had a smear test and it was found I had HPV and that it was a dangerous strain (not even sure if they test for strains when investigating abnormal cells?) and I was about to have sex with a new partner then yes, I would tell him.

If the above happened a couple of years ago would I feel the need to disclose the fact that I was treated for CIN? not so much.

We have all been likely to have been exposed to HPV and we just hope it is not the dangerous strains and that our bodies will clear it. I assume that anyone I am having casual sex with know this and is happy to take that risk. Every time I had sex in the past I knew I was taking that risk.

I don't see it as the same thing as telling a partner you have another STI because of the fact that we don't really know for sure when our bodies will clear HPV or if we have it at all. Where is the cut off line? should I have to inform a new partner that I apparently carried the virus 16 years ago because I might have a minute chance of still being a carrier?

Should someone who had an abnormal smear test need to tell every partner they have? and again, should they tell partners after 5 years of having one? 10? 20?

I agree with 2014. The fact that the OP is even asking the question is reason enough for me to consider it a matter of disclosure.

She is clearly concerned that she may have given him something and feels bad that she didn't mention it given that she is in the middle of an attack.

It is not for anyone else to determine risk on someone else's behalf. How dare anyone decide oh I haven't had it for 10 years so I won't say anything.

When you have sex with someone there are always risks from pregnancy to stds but to suggest that anyone has the right to decide what you should or should not know in these circumstances is disrespectful and dishonest.

Have enough respect for your partner to let them make an informed decision no matter how much you consider the risks to be minor.

When you have sex with someone there are always risks from pregnancy to stds but to suggest that anyone has the right to decide what you should or should not know in these circumstances is disrespectful and dishonest.

Where does that end though? Should I inform my DH that 25 years ago I slept with someone who previously had warts for example? I didn't get warts myself but obviously could still have been infected with HPV virus as people usually don't get symptoms. In fact, should everyone fully disclose all details about previous sexual partners and sexual activity however many years ago so their partners can make an "informed" decision about whether there could be any risk of warts.

Exactly, Marynary.

Mary I thought my post was clear so I am surprised you ask.

For the avoidance of doubt you may not care or may not want to know if someone has an std but don't presume that everyone is like you and certainly don't presume for me. You may not consider warts a big deal I may on the other hand consider it serious. That is my right and a failure to disclose clearly infringes that right.

I have a right to know and I would want to know. That's my personal choice. In other words how can you possibly know what someone wants to know unless you are transparent, open and honest.

What would piss me off hugely is if my sexual partner presumed to know what I might want to know or not know about a medical condition that I may or may not consider serious and which I may be at risk of no matter how small they consider that risk to be. How very arrogant.

For me, entering into a new sexual relationship, I would just assume that everyone has been exposed to HPV and may not know or may know and not tell me if they had been in the past due to the advice that was given to me by the GUM clinic when I was a carrier.

SO many people are exposed at one point or another and wearing condoms will only lower your risks a little. I decided whether or not I wanted to take that risk, and didn't rely on anyone telling me they had been into contact with HPV first. I just assumed that statistically they have and had sex knowing that was a risk I take every time.

So again, Crimson would you tell a new partner you had an abnormal smear? how long after would you decide it was acceptable to not tell a partner about your abnormal smear?

Mary I thought my post was clear so I am surprised you ask.

For the avoidance of doubt you may not care or may not want to know if someone has an std but don't presume that everyone is like you and certainly don't presume for me. You may not consider warts a big deal I may on the other hand consider it serious. That is my right and a failure to disclose clearly infringes that right.

Firstly I didn't give an opinion on whether or not I though warts were serious. Secondly, I didn't ask you whether you consider them to be serious.

I have a right to know and I would want to know. That's my personal choice. In other words how can you possibly know what someone wants to know unless you are transparent, open and honest.

What do you have the "right" to know? Do you have the right to know about an std that someone has had in the past even though they are no longer infectious?

OP wasn't contagious (until the warts flared) so had no reason to mention it to her new partner especially considering that warts are only a minor curable problem

OP said in her op = So about 2 weeks ago I decided to do some more extreme hair removal down below than I had been doing and spotted A FUCKING WART. I have no idea when this had appeared. I could have had it for weeks, which means it's very likely hes been exposed to it during sex and may have caught it

The issue is, and what this thread is about is that the op FOUND a wart & had NO IDEA how long it had been there as it was in a hard to see place. So she WAS indeed contagious. The point is also, that he should have had the opportunity to make a choice as to if he was happy to take the risk that op could have had a flare up at any time!

Like I said, the relationship with him could have started within just a few months of her first flare up, and as others are saying she is likely to be clear in 2 years, so it was still a big possibility that she would get another flare up at some point in the future, as she is no where near 2 years clear.

I have repeated the timeline I posted so others can see that there isn't necessarily a full yr between outbreak 1 & 2 & there isn't necessarily a yr between her first outbreak & the start of her relationship.

i'm not the type to wait until multipke months into a relationship to have sex. i quite like sex....

Your time line is shady too... "about a year ago" could be 8-10 mths ago (Jun/Aug)"
I recently met a new guy" could be 4-6 mths ago (Oct/Dec)

^So everyone is assuming & basing their answers on there having been a yrs gap between your break out & your relationship, but it could be as little as 4-6 between the outbreak & your new relationship.

Marynary Ops first outbreak could have been just 4-6moths before she started this relationship. So yes, she should have told him!

Do you have the right to know about an std that someone has had in the past even though they are no longer infectious?

That's moot point, because the op WAS still infectious, as her most recent outbreak showed her!!!

OP said in her op = So about 2 weeks ago I decided to do some more extreme hair removal down below than I had been doing and spotted A FUCKING WART. I have no idea when this had appeared. I could have had it for weeks, which means it's very likely hes been exposed to it during sex and may have caught it

That happened because she hasn't been checking for them as she should have been doing for a couple of years after the first occurence. It has nothing to with whether or not she should have told her ex about her previous infection.