Was I unreasonable to not tell new boyfriend about past genital warts?

[fmlfmlfml]

I had genital warts about a year ago and had it treated and have seemed to be clear of them since then.

I recently met a new guy, and it has been going great. I didn't mention the previous genital warts because I assumed as I was clear of them there would be no risk of him catching them. So about 2 weeks ago I decided to do some more extreme hair removal down below than I had been doing and spotted A FUCKING WART. I have no idea when this had appeared. I could have had it for weeks, which means it's very likely hes been exposed to it during sex and may have caught it. :( I've been treating this wart, and now all hell has broken loose down there, I think because I'm a bit run down with a cold, but now I have several fairly obvious warts.

I think I have two options... come clean to boyfriend, he will probably be disgusted and angry and it will be over. Or make up another reason to end it and hope that he hasn't caught it and doesn't put two and two together..... It's so upsetting because I've really clicked with him. It's only been a few months but I could see potential in the relationship...

I feel like a horrible horrible person, and like some kind of STI typhoid mary. It was a genuine mistake but I'm thinking should I have been honest in the very beginning about the past infection?? I don't know what the hell your supposed to do in this situation, tell everyone and never have sex again?? I feel like I'm damaged goods and will never have a chance of a relationship again!

The OP could have given the BF a life long infection and more than half of the people here are defending her and saying the BF would be unreasonable to be upset by this? what is wrong with people....

OP you caught warts and had them treated. NHS guidelines are that if there is no reappearance within three months the infection is cleared. This is a new infection and it is just as likely that the new BF gave them to you. You need to tell him but you don't need to assume it's your fault.

Erm yes YABU.
Extremely so.
He has a right to know and in some cases its a criminal offence to give someone an std/sti (if you know you have it) if you didn't warn them about it.

Mincespy do you have a link to that NHS guidance?
Am just wondering how that applies to people who are infected but have no symptoms?

100 if the advice is terrible why don't you let us know the correct advice as this may help other people reading the thread in the future.

Different you are right I wouldn't be happy if a partner kept it from me, especially if I asked about STIs before having sex with them, I am not suggesting she lie if a future partner asks about stis.

I actually think it is a bit suspicious that after a year clear 'all hell has broken loose' when she starts a new relationship.... there is no way of knowing why it has appeared, possibly its a different infection from her boyfriend or possibly its a coincidence and original infection op is run down and it has resurfaced?

Tbh I don't think you need to tell him you've had them before, maybe just tell him you have them now? Then he won't be certain if you gave them to him or he gave them to you but at least you can both get treated

Super deceitful. Warts don't go away, like herpes

There is a special set of latex pants which you can use with a condom but I'd rather not have sex than have sex with a man wearing this scroguard

Also the PP who stated she has a strain of the virus that gives an increased risk of certain types of cancers.
How do you justify not feeling like you have to tell people?

What if, heaven forbid, you passed on this strain and the person subsequently developed cancer and died? There IS a possibility this could happen, however minuscule.

I've already stated I agree that it is v. common, and certainly nothing to be ashamed about, but that does not negate you taking away a persons CHOICE about whether they are prepared to take that risk for themselves.

It's one thing passing it on unknowing, but you DO know, therefore you are basically saying 'My right to not disclose my history is more important than your right to decide for yourself if you want to expose yourself to a virus that could lead to you having an increased risk of cancer'
So selfish!!!

And quite frankly, it's no wonder that STI's are so rife if this is peoples general attitude

"it isnt really early relationship conversation, talking about stis. i really find it hard to beleive the people saying that if they had warts they'd be upfront abiut it. i also get mouth coldsores and have never told anyone before datinjg them, does that make me double evil?"

Knowing what you do now, fmlfmlfml - about how the virus stays dormant in your body and can recur, I think you need to accept that, yes, the subject of STIs really IS an early relationship conversation topic.

If you have a virus that can be passed on by a particular activity, you should warn anyone you are going to undertake that activity with, before undertaking the activity. If you have a cold sore, or the tingle that precedes one, you should inform anyone you are going to kiss before kissing them, and if you have, or have had genital warts, you need to tell any potential sexual partners before having sexual contact.

I do feel for you - you were put into this situation through no fault of your own - you used condoms, but the person who infected you had a wart in an unusual place, where the condom did not protect you. I assume that he had no idea that he had genital warts - and did not deliberately omit to tell you about the infection. Either way, you got this infection through no fault of your own, and you are stuck with it for life (unless/until they manage to develop a treatment that will eradicate the virus from a person's system).

But now you have to behave responsibly. You don't want to put another person through what you have been through - you don't want to give them an infection that they won't ever be able to get rid of, unless a medical breakthrough happens, do you?

It is a tough situation for you to be in - I can only imagine how difficult it would be to have to have that conversation with every potential sexual partner - but I am sure you now recognise how important it is to give people the information, so they can make an informed choice.

It is also vital that you tell your current sexual partner. He needs to get tested. If he doesn't, and he has become infected, but doesn't know he's infected, he could pass the infection on to any subsequent sexual partners - one infected person infects another, who infects several others, who each infect more people, and the infection spreads exponentially. It is not worth the risk.

I feel for you op, as far as you were concerned the sti had gone, so was a non issue. If it gives you any hope, my ex suddenly came down with genital warts about a year into our relationship. I had been exposed to them several times before he went to get checked (they were tiny little things, and he didn't know that they were warts, and they were so small I didn't notice them). I went for a through checking too, and I didn't have any at all, and never had them since (this was 8 years ago). So your bf won't have necessarily caught them. The clinic told my ex that it would have been lying dormant in his system for a long time, he was under a lot of stress which made them crop up. He definitely wasn't cheating on me.

Well I think that not giving someone the choice to be infected with an STI is deceitful.

And to suggest he isn't a good contender for a bf if he dumps her ... really? If this was a woman posting that she just found her bf had a case of genital warts a yr ago & didn't tell her, (I know...someone will give me a reason soon why we can't reverse the roles here) there would be suggestions of

LTB
Red Flag
What else is he lying about
Don't trust him

OP I think you need to see the GP is 'all hell has broken out' while treating one wart, maybe get something stronger from her to help?

I'm surprised they didn't give you any better advice and you didn't google any but presumably you felt secure enough with their diagnosis and explanation. Your bf could be already infected himself, it can lay dormant and reoccur, as could yourself. Unless he was checked right before having sex with you, after 3-6 months of no sex, he doesn't have an 'all clear' STI history either.

You made a mistake, you aren't a horrible person. If you did chose to just dump him and not tell him the risk then you could be contributing to him passing it along to someone as unsuspecting as you were and that's not fair. Besides, if you click so much don't you owe it to yourself to be honest and say? He may well already have/had had them or it may not be a dealbreaker. You could be worrying for nothing. If it is a dealbreaker and you breakup, well your other option was to break up anyway- so what will you have lost? You definitely need to see your GP again a well as get some better literature.

You aren't a typhoid Mary at all. Some people will be turned off, as people can be by anything, some will accept and some will not be bothered at all. If you tell people upfront they'll appreciate the honesty -dealbreaker or not- and hopefully divulge their own sexual history (you never know what they could have and condoms can and do break) to give you options too. And if they get arsey or nasty, well would you want to date them anyway? Better to find out at the start then waste time and then find out for that or something else.

I might regret posting this here without name changing.

An ex of mine got them, apparently from me as he claims he was a virgin before me. I never had them but obviously carried the virus.

I have been with my husband for 10 years now and never told him that I gave someone warts and he never once got any and I was told that my body would get rid of the virus naturally so it never crossed my mind to tell him before we had sex due to the time that passed and the fact that I had many smears and checks and never had any myself. I was classed as cleared by the GUM clinic. Of course he knows about it now.

After 3-6 months if you have no outbreaks you are classed as clear of the virus according to many clinics and research, so you had no need to tell him based on the advice from the GUM clinics. Also the were you wearing condoms question is further proof that some people don't really understand the virus.

It is just as likely OP got them from her boyfriend. So for those saying she should have told him, please educate yourself a bit more. The medical advice here is pretty scary.

The body pretty much always clears the HPV strain that causes warts in two years. This is 99.9% likely to be a new outbreak from either her bf or someone else, but not very likely at all to be related to her first outbreak. OP you have done nothing wrong except get unlucky. You had no reason to tell him as you believed you were clear and the statistics say you were. You do not need to tell him about your past, this is a new virus so treat it as such. He could have given them to you.

I am stunned at the people suggesting that this is turned around and all somehow the bfs fault or worse trying to convince the bf that it was him that gave them to you.

You are DBU to think that not telling him is an option

How many more people do you want to infect or let him infect?

So you like sex, as do many of us but you need to grow up. You are an adult who wants to be sexually active and that comes with taking responsibility for your actions.

It was not your fault you caught the infection but you now you have it you need to educate yourself about the STI that you have and give people informed choices.

In some states in america you can be prosecuted for passing on certain STDs and i thought it was gone would just not stand up.

I can't believe the amount of people actually saying that the bf could just as easily have given warts to the op. Imagine if a woman posted on here saying that her bf had just told her that he had had genital warts a year ago but had thought it had cleared up but was now re-infected so she needed to get tested, and someone responding that the op might just as easily have been the one who gave it to him. They would be crucified on here for suggesting that, and the op would be urged to ltb asap.

Fact is, op had genital warts, they cleared up and then she got into a relationship with someone without having a conversation about sexual history/STI's or even the thought of testing, and now she is in a position where her genital warts have flared up again, and her bf has been having sex with her oblivious to the fact she had a STD and chose not to tell him about it. It's little wonder that STD's are on the increase when people have such a casual attitude to them "oh well, x% carry the virus anyway so it's alright." and I would dump someone who infected me with a STI having known they had already been treated for said infection previously and omitted to tell me. If this bloke dumps the op that doesn't make him a bad person at all...

Wannabe have you read U2's post, this is advice being given by GUM clinics STI information sites etc. People can get HPV without having penetrative sex and without having shown symptoms, it is a lot more complex than you are suggesting.

It is just a fact wannabe.

You don't have to like it but the fact is that if she did not have an outbreak for this long then she was very likely to have cleared it. You can't argue with the statistics or the information I was given from the professionals.

I was told I was cleared because of the amount of time gone past. OP had nothing to tell her bf as by all advice I was given by professional says she was likely cleared.

The fact is it could have easily been him who passed the virus to her. No one has to blame anyone. She has warts, he could now be infected and they both need to go to the GUM clinic to talk it over. No one knows or will ever know who gave the virus to who.

If the OP had had the STI conversation with her current partner before they had sex, even if she had said, 'I had genital warts in the past but haven't had an outbreak for over a year, so am probably clear', a) it would have given him the information to make a choice on whether he wanted to have sex with her, and b) it might have prompted him to tell her if he had had them in the past as well, so the OP could have made an equally informed choice.

I think this thread needs a bit of perspective. Its only warts. The viruses that cause visible warts are pretty universally harmless, generally
at worst they just look a bit unsightly.
Someone said it up thread but about
80% of sexually active people have
had them so if the op's new partner
has had sex at all before he's likely to
be a carrier too.
Just out of interest, would any of the posters who've been a bit rough on the OP consider telling a new partner if they've ever had a positive smear test? Once again, its pretty unlikely to be too much of a big deal but that result can indicate the presence of a virus more dangerous to health tjan plain old wart causing HPV.

OP, it might have been better sexual etiquette to tell him pre jiggy but its not the end of the world.

Dayglo - some strains of HPV can cause cancer of the cervix or vulva, and the warts themselves can cause pain, discomfort and itching - if they spread and enlarge, they can become very painful - so they are not 'just warts'.

In rare cases, a pregnant woman with genital warts can pass them on to her baby, who can be born with warts in their throat and genitals - a potentially life threatening conditions.

Well like I said, I didn't need to have that conversation with my husband because I was cleared and everything I read backed up the GUM clinic.

I wasn't going to tell him a few weeks into our relationship that I had warts at one point but was clear now. The OP didn't need to have that conversation either as she believed she was clear which she had very good reason to believe.

I wouldn't tell someone if I had crabs if I believed they had fully gone either and they hadn't came back after a year. People think that the virus can come back any time are of course going to believe the OP should tell him but if she followed the advice given to me then she had no medical reason to do so.

If I was single I would assume that everyone I sleep with has been exposed to the HPV virus because pretty much every sexually active person has been.

Even after the warts have gone, there may still be traces of human papillomavirus (HPV) in your skin cells. It is therefore recommended you use a condom during sex for the first three months after the warts have cleared up

From the NHS

So tell me what the OP did wrong? she used condoms.. she believed she was clear due to the advice given. I would not tell someone I had chalamydia in the past if the treatment worked either.

But SDT she had warts.

They do not cause cancer.

I should say given someone warts or had the virus as I never had actual warts myself.

From the reading I have done, the HPV virus causes the majority of cervical cancer, and HPV 16 and HPV 18 are responsible for 70% of these cancers. And these two strains are also linked to anal and penile cancers - according to the HPV info site (a Canadian site).

I should reiterate, though, as I said in my first post, that I don't think the OP did anything wrong when she first slept with her current partner, because she was relying on advice and information given to her by her GP - and even if that advice and info was wrong, she was not wrong to rely on it, and to assume that the medical professionals knew what they were talking about.