Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I unreasonable to not tell new boyfriend about past genital warts?

227 replies

fmlfmlfml · 17/03/2015 23:02

I had genital warts about a year ago and had it treated and have seemed to be clear of them since then.

I recently met a new guy, and it has been going great. I didn't mention the previous genital warts because I assumed as I was clear of them there would be no risk of him catching them. So about 2 weeks ago I decided to do some more extreme hair removal down below than I had been doing and spotted A FUCKING WART. I have no idea when this had appeared. I could have had it for weeks, which means it's very likely hes been exposed to it during sex and may have caught it. :( I've been treating this wart, and now all hell has broken loose down there, I think because I'm a bit run down with a cold, but now I have several fairly obvious warts.

I think I have two options... come clean to boyfriend, he will probably be disgusted and angry and it will be over. Or make up another reason to end it and hope that he hasn't caught it and doesn't put two and two together..... It's so upsetting because I've really clicked with him. It's only been a few months but I could see potential in the relationship...

I feel like a horrible horrible person, and like some kind of STI typhoid mary. It was a genuine mistake but I'm thinking should I have been honest in the very beginning about the past infection?? I don't know what the hell your supposed to do in this situation, tell everyone and never have sex again?? I feel like I'm damaged goods and will never have a chance of a relationship again!

OP posts:
Original poster
fmlfmlfml · 17/03/2015 23:20

And as I said I have always used condoms. This situation is obviously a mess of my own making but I didn't bring the initial infection upon myself by being feckless

OP posts:
SonnyJimBob · 17/03/2015 23:24

People always claim to use condoms in these kinds of situations. If you have been religiously, then you have little to worry about. It will be much less likely that he has caught anything from you.

CountingThePennies · 17/03/2015 23:30

The thing is that the virus can lay dominant in the body for years before you have your first outbreak so its not possible to always know who gave them to you.

If you have a cold sore and then it goes away, you can still be in the shedding period before an outbreak of a cold sore and for several weeks afterwards.

So if you give some one oral sex when you know that you get cold sores then you are putting someone at high risk of getting genital herpes as you dont often know when you are shedding.

Genital herpes/warts are the most common STI around. Its nothing to be ashamed of

Original poster
fmlfmlfml · 17/03/2015 23:30

I think condoms may have been irrelevant in this situation because it is very likely there would have been contact between where the wart is and him.

Unless pubic hair formed a kind of shield? clutching at straws here.. :(

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 17/03/2015 23:31

First and foremost: you have to tell him. That is not up for debate.

What you can say is that you were given bad advice (obviously!) and thought once the initial breakout was gone, there was no chance of reoccurrence. Now you know that's not true and of course you feel awful etc and so on. So he should get himself checked out.

Then you just have to see how he takes it. I've known plenty of people with long-term STDs who still have happy relationships so don't give up hope.

If you google around you will find lots of advice for how to date when you have an STD because it is very very common actually.

Original poster
fmlfmlfml · 17/03/2015 23:31

Thankyou CountingThePennies and others who have been nice

OP posts:
CupidStuntSurvivor · 17/03/2015 23:32

Warts can be on any area of the genitals, not just the penis and vagina. It's perfectly possible for the OP to have contracted them and also to pass them on despite having used a condom.

The only thing the OP has 'done wrong' here is not meticulously check herself for breakouts during a period where she's sexually active with a partner who isn't aware he's at risk.

HildaWazzo · 17/03/2015 23:33

I just checked the NHS website, and they recommend using condoms for 3 months after the warts have cleared up. Evidently condoms do give some protection.

However, given that the NHS advice is that condoms aren't necessary after the first 3 months post-wart removal, I would think the OP isn't unreasonable not to disclose a past history of genital warts as long as she has been clear for at least 3 months.

Yes you need to talk to him about it now, and in the future make sure you're vigilant about checking yourself. But the FPA website states that in most people the virus is cleared from their body eventually, so you're not necessarily stuck with it forever.

GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe · 17/03/2015 23:36

There are some very ignorant people on this thread. Pretty much everyone who has had an abnormal smear is infected with the HPV virus. It is like saying that everyone who has ever had a cold sore can never kiss anyone again without telling the other other person they had a cold sore once. There is such a massive stigma when it comes to STIs and it is totally ridiculous and unnecessary. Every time you have sex you accept there is a small risk of getting an STI, just as boarding a crowded train in winter runs the risk of getting a cold...

RocketInMyPocket · 17/03/2015 23:36

The HPV virus can be transmitted even when you aren't having a breakout. It can also be contracted a lay dormant for years before presenting itself for the first time.
Where you really not made aware of this when you were first diagnosed.

You may not have brought the initial infection on yourself by being feckless.
You won't like this, but I highly doubt your ex set out to intentionally infect you, and you are now exactly the same as him, because you WERE feckless with your new partner.

CountingThePennies · 17/03/2015 23:37

It never leaves the body

However it can lay dominant againfor many years.

It stops me getting outbreaks if i take vitamins every single day and try not to get stressed out alot.

GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe · 17/03/2015 23:38

Warts are the most common STI, and just about everyone who has ever had sex has been exposed to the virus and the warts could pop up at any time.

Poochlover · 17/03/2015 23:40

The virus can shed even when you're not having an outbreak.

The virus does lie dormant, but it also isn't for life-your body will rid itself eventually.

Condoms do not protect from the virus.

It's very, very common and nothing to be ashamed of-you don't do anything 'wrong' to get warts-you can have safe sex all your life and still get it-you can also get a strain of it if someone who has had warts on their hands in the past, fingers you for example It's a very tough virus.

What sort of a guy is he? Is he knowledgeable about such things?
I know of two women who've had similar things happen. One's partner hit the roof and split up with her . The other's partner said something like 'Oh yeh, I think I had that once, too', or something and that was that.

Get treated, keep yourself healthy and look into information for prevention.

Original poster
fmlfmlfml · 17/03/2015 23:45

i'm finding it hard to visualise how he'd react, i know he was fairly promiscuous in his 20s so there is a chance he might have had it himself. and hes quite laid back personality wise but conversly a bit of a germaphobe... so i have no idea how it will pan out...

OP posts:
NeedABumChange · 17/03/2015 23:47

OP has also been wrong not to tell the person she is regularly snagging that she has warts!

I think you just need to sit him down and tell him. If he acts like a knob then so what, your other option was to dump him anyway. At least if you tell him he can check himself over and some poor innocent girl won't be infected as you were. You never know he might turn around and say hes had a previous infection too or that actually he really likes you and doesn't care.

And on the cold sore front I have actually always asked guys before starting relationships- not before kissing though but you would see them. I wouldn't date someone who regularly gets cold sores as I'm petrified of getting them myself.

GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe · 17/03/2015 23:47

80% of sexually active adults are infected with HPV at some point in their lives but may never have symptoms - so all you smug gits could actually be nasty infected dirty people passing it on to your unsuspected partners, lulled into a false sense of security just because you have never had a wart. Wink

ToBeeOrNot · 17/03/2015 23:49

But not all strains of HPV cause warts.

CountingThePennies · 17/03/2015 23:49

Guilty

You talk sense!!

CountingThePennies · 17/03/2015 23:51

I can totally understand why op never told him.

ToBeeOrNot · 17/03/2015 23:55

It's an interesting thought though, I have HPV Type 16 which causes 70% of cervical cancers and rightly or wrongly it wouldn't occur to me to share that information with a sexual partner.

I'd think slightly differently about genital warts, mainly because their visible and require treatment I guess.

Original poster
fmlfmlfml · 17/03/2015 23:55

it isnt really early relationship conversation, talking about stis. i really find it hard to beleive the people saying that if they had warts they'd be upfront abiut it. i also get mouth coldsores and have never told anyone before datinjg them, does that make me double evil?

OP posts:
Original poster
fmlfmlfml · 17/03/2015 23:59

tobeeornot, sorry to hear about that. :( i'm vaccinated against that strain so i guess thats something i can feel grateful for, i think on balance warts are better than increasd cancer risk... even if they look horrible and such a pain in the arse

OP posts:
NeedABumChange · 18/03/2015 00:02

it isnt really early relationship conversation, talking about stis
Sorry but I completely disagree with you. That's the exact time you should be talking about it. Didn't you do the both getting checked before sex or at least before not using condoms? It's the perfect time to talk about it. If you are too shy to talk stis then how do you have sex Confused

yumyumpoppycat · 18/03/2015 00:04

I don't think you have done anything wrong because apparently a high percentage of sexually active people (not in a long term relationship) are exposed to one strain or another of hpv. It is possible to have the virus and not know.

It is possible it is a different strain and he has passed the virus to you.

I guess you will have to tell him you have found warts though?

GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe · 18/03/2015 00:05

Yeah the other strains of HPV cause squamous cell carcinomas. Which can affect both sexes, causing anal/rectal, penile and cervical cancers. Yeah that's ok cos they're not warts...