Was I unreasonable to not tell new boyfriend about past genital warts?

[fmlfmlfml]

I had genital warts about a year ago and had it treated and have seemed to be clear of them since then.

I recently met a new guy, and it has been going great. I didn't mention the previous genital warts because I assumed as I was clear of them there would be no risk of him catching them. So about 2 weeks ago I decided to do some more extreme hair removal down below than I had been doing and spotted A FUCKING WART. I have no idea when this had appeared. I could have had it for weeks, which means it's very likely hes been exposed to it during sex and may have caught it. :( I've been treating this wart, and now all hell has broken loose down there, I think because I'm a bit run down with a cold, but now I have several fairly obvious warts.

I think I have two options... come clean to boyfriend, he will probably be disgusted and angry and it will be over. Or make up another reason to end it and hope that he hasn't caught it and doesn't put two and two together..... It's so upsetting because I've really clicked with him. It's only been a few months but I could see potential in the relationship...

I feel like a horrible horrible person, and like some kind of STI typhoid mary. It was a genuine mistake but I'm thinking should I have been honest in the very beginning about the past infection?? I don't know what the hell your supposed to do in this situation, tell everyone and never have sex again?? I feel like I'm damaged goods and will never have a chance of a relationship again!

i could change that habit byt then that would put me in the situation of dating for months and months and then disclose the hpv situation and then possibky be dumped. whuch is a lot of effirt for a lot of headfuck but possibky the onky way to go now

I would just approach the issue with the same vigilance as a coldsore sufferer, I think. If you haven't got an active infection, it's acceptable to keep previous ones to yourself, purely because the prevalance of the virus is such that you would never really know whose "fault" it was, and as long you check yourself regularly and avoid sex during outbreaks (which may never recur, btw), it is simply an occupational hazard of sex.

and i know i will have to tell current bf, i have been avoiding him so i think he suspects something is up. fingers crossd he hasnt caught it or wont end up with warts.

Idont think revealing that you once had genial wArts is that big a deal. It's treatable. It's not like other more serious conditions. If you are prepared to have sex with a guy you should be able to mention it to him.

I think it is a big deal, there is a lot of stigma attached to it, as shown in this thread by posters assuming I'm averse to condoms and safe sex....

It sounds like if you have 2 years clear of warts then you can fairly guilt free not mention it to partners if you don't want to. Chances are though for the next year or two it might flare up and unless its one night stands you are having they will see the warts eventually so better to be upfront? Its probably better for you aswell to discuss stis given how you feel about this one.

The thing i found interesting back eons ago before my current relationship was that the partners who were understanding about waiting etc were the ones who were more worth knowing.

If he dumps you over it then I doubt he was good boyfriend material

But that's not true is it.

You're right that there's a stigma attached to it, which is why I don't think you need to put yourself in the line of fire. As long as you aren't having sex during an outbreak, you are no more culpable than anybody else, and you don't deserve the possible censure of a sexual partner who might just as easily be harbouring a strain of HPV without realising.

Give yourself a break.

Well if he goes to the clinic, the hcp explain the facts and he can't accept them then he isn't worth knowing....unless he was a virgin before meeting op

Posted too early. Meant to say that's not true is it, as OP has has admitted to having difficulties dealing with it. People see it (wrongly) as something to be ashamed of, but that doesn't mean they are bad bf/gf material. Just that society needs to be a bit more informed.

OP, I'm sorry the advice you received was shit. I thought you were aware of the potential risks, hence why I thought you were being hypocritical for being a bit blasé and defensive.

Not sure, I had genital herpes once in my teens (boyfriend with a coldsore), and never again. So I'm not sure if I should be warning people? I've had coldsores too, do we have to warn people before we kiss them?

I'd forgotten about it. I thought it was only to be worried about if there were blemishes caused by herpes/HPV.

If you have an outbreak then I think it's probably best to mention it, since it's possible to pass it on, but I wouldn't feel embarrassed. I was practising safe sex when I got STDs, sometimes a condom and the pill isn't enough protection. Thankfully I am much more educated about sexual health now. I was scared to even look at a penis when I was a teen, which is kind of silly, since I was sexually active.

you probably should have told him, but now you really have to. I hope the outbreak clears up soon.
As a side note, i ask about coldsores before i kiss people. I dont date people who get them. Ive never had one and i intend on keeping it that way.

That makes me sound awful... im stressed and / or run down A LOT, so if i got the coldsore virus (or warts / genital herpes) i think id be someone who got very frequent outbreaks. So, i ask about coldsores before kissing, i ask about sti before shagging and i use condoms religiously. If i were thinking of stopping condom use, id probably suggest we both went to sti clinic first.
Im not disgusted by people with coldsores / stis etc, i just feel that, for me, i really need to try to protect my health as much as possible.

I think genital wart can be caught at the gym, by sitting on a bench in the changing room for example.
So you may slightly lie about where you got them from, but of course you need to tell him.
Just say you went to the GP for something you had down below and didn't know what it was, and that after a very embarrassing moment, the GP told you they were warts.
Could that be a solution?

I got them without sex, just touching, so condoms are a load of rubbish.

I also got rid of mine 6 years ago, never to return and for those saying it is like cold sores, it isn't because you can never get rid of the cold sore virus, it always pops back up when you are run down whereas completely treating the warts has gotten rid of them for me for good. I have loads more cold sores when run down in that time. This is obviously just anecdotal but does show the difference in experiences.

OP I went mad with my bf when I got them, but in hindsight he was an unsuspecting carrier too and we hadn't even had sex! Just fess up and be apologetic. He can get checked and you can move on.

If he acts like a knob then so what, I think I might act 'knob like' if someone I had been shagging suddenly told me they had hard warts a yr ago & didn't think it important to tell me.

Seriously..if he doesn't react badly, that is ops fault not his. He would be well within his rights, I should imagine

it isnt really early relationship conversation, talking about stis I thought it was essential these days!

If you are too shy to talk stis then how do you have sex confused Yy! I am often amazed at how many people are too shy to talk about sexual health, yet will happily have sex & so all sorts with someone they barely know.

It is possible to have the virus and not know. But the op does know...it is one thing is you are unaware of being infected, but if you know, it is just irresponsible

OP if your bf gets angry at this and dumps you then you've had a lucky escape - why should anyone reveal their entire sexual history to someone especially when it's only been a short time? It was only a yr ago that she had them, she could still be carrying it, condoms do not offer protection, she hasn't given him the courtesy of knowing he could be potentially infected, she didn't realise that she had another breakout, yet you think OP is lucky if she gets dumped? Seriously, she has withheld important information form him, he is lucky one! To say he wasn't a good boyfriend if he dumps her...she isn't exactly being a good girlfriend, is she?

im not sure i am cut out for such personal convos with people i barely know... Nothing more personal than having sex with someone...if you are going to stuff like that, you have to be responsible & do the stuff that makes you uncomfortable too.

I am laughing at the others who are suggesting he may have infected you, I guess it's not IMPOSSIBLE, but it is likely, seeing as you only had them last year & as they can take a while for the virus to totally leave your body, that this is his fault?

when i was diagnosed the info i got was quite lacking, it may have been because it was a gp rather than sti clinic. it was pretty much 'put this on them and they should go away But did you not think the onus was on you, to find out what you were dealing with? There is info by the bucket load out there on all sorts of things, I think you should have educated yourself, to be fair.

It is important to remember that treatment does not get rid of the virus. It only treats the visible warts. For most people, the body’s natural immunity will get rid of the virus over time. Treatment aims to remove visible warts This is why she needs to tell him..It is completely possible that she still had the infection when they had sex.

If someone disclosed to me that they had an STI AFTER we had had sex, I would wonder what else they were capable of hiding, to be honest!

if he leaves you over this, then its something that would have happened anyway. Its hardly your fault

One of my previous boyfriends had a history of genital warts and he was very open about it and told me on our third date. He said he knew he had to tell me before (if it did) the relationship became sexual. It was difficult for him to tell me but he knew it had to be done.

You absolutely have to tell him. I would have been furious if my ex hadn't have told me and then I'd caught it off him.

AnyFucker

If a condom stopped all skin to skin contact you might have a point but condoms don't.

Depending on the position you have sex in you may never see the wart(s) eg how often do you check out your anus? And no that doesn't mean anal sex it means you have had some of your skin exposed to another person.

OP

Even though you have had them before it is still much more likely that he has given them to you. Most men do not get any symptoms.

The one thing you really can't do is break up with him and not tell him, that means he will probably pass the virus on to someone else.

As long as you aren't having sex during an outbreak Except she doesn't know that wasn't having sex while it was there, as it is in a hard to detect place & she doesn't know how long it has been there...

Which is why her bf had the right to know, it is his risk to take with his sexual health, not hers.

yumyumpoppycat So you'd accept a partner keeping this from you, would you? I wouldn't..as I said, it would make me question what else they were hiding.

This would been seen as a red flag if a man were posting about his gf not knowing, or if op was posting about her bf having disclosed he had had it previously and not told her. Only on MN do women get a way with lying where a man can't!!

Can I just say, it isn't the warts that make op untrustworthy, it's the lie. It's the deciding not to give her bf the benefit to make an informed choice, and the possibility that this could lead to further lies (not that she is lying about anything else, but the bf may feel she is capable of doing so)

OP there is terrible advice on here from people who clearly have no idea what they are talking about. There are also a lot of judgemental, horrible comments (and there's an overlap between the former and later posters) Please block this thread and go to a GU clinic and talk through this with a sexual health nurse or doc.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Good luck!

it is going to be an awkward uncomfortable conversation, but youre obliged to have it, whatever the outcome

OP, don't beat yourself up. I am always amazed at the lack of information on HPV and actually how run of the mill medical staff find all this! I had an STI check up after starting a new relationship and was told I had a couple of warts. I was horrified but the staff at the STI clinic were very matter of fact and said it's the most common thing they see. I was treated with liquid nitrogen for a couple of weeks and they were gone. If you haven't had this treatment then do go to an STI clinic as they will go quicker than painting anything on that a GP might give you, and you'll get better advice!
It's important to get the facts about HPV before you speak to your BF, almost every sexually active person carries some form of HPV. If he was promiscuous in his earlier years he is almost guaranteed to have some form himself and you cannot know for sure that exposure to him hasn't brought about your outbreak now.
I'm not suggesting you 'blame' him but just pointing out that you don't know for sure. Most men don't ever show symptoms and will never get themselves checked out, in fact I was told by a clinic nurse that they don't screen for HPV in men (or routinely in women apart from smears) as it is endemic - it will come and go and practically all of us carry some form or other.
Please stop thinking of yourself as some kind of dirty carrier, you're not, you've been unlucky.
Good luck

Well of course it's unreasonable to keep someone in the dark about something that can affect them. However I can understand fully why you chose to do do. All very well us saying yabu but let's be honest would any of us like our past raked up. There are things in my pAst that I'll never tell my dp

From what I've read, 20% of sexually active adults have the virus and that in most cases there are NO symptoms. So your bf could already have the virus and not even know.
Having said that, I do think you were U to not mention that you've had an outbreak before, as the virus can stay in your system for years before erupting again. I think you need to tell him, if he's going to get symptoms they happen 1-6 months after exposure (apparently).