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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I unreasonable to not tell new boyfriend about past genital warts?

227 replies

fmlfmlfml · 17/03/2015 23:02

I had genital warts about a year ago and had it treated and have seemed to be clear of them since then.

I recently met a new guy, and it has been going great. I didn't mention the previous genital warts because I assumed as I was clear of them there would be no risk of him catching them. So about 2 weeks ago I decided to do some more extreme hair removal down below than I had been doing and spotted A FUCKING WART. I have no idea when this had appeared. I could have had it for weeks, which means it's very likely hes been exposed to it during sex and may have caught it. :( I've been treating this wart, and now all hell has broken loose down there, I think because I'm a bit run down with a cold, but now I have several fairly obvious warts.

I think I have two options... come clean to boyfriend, he will probably be disgusted and angry and it will be over. Or make up another reason to end it and hope that he hasn't caught it and doesn't put two and two together..... It's so upsetting because I've really clicked with him. It's only been a few months but I could see potential in the relationship...

I feel like a horrible horrible person, and like some kind of STI typhoid mary. It was a genuine mistake but I'm thinking should I have been honest in the very beginning about the past infection?? I don't know what the hell your supposed to do in this situation, tell everyone and never have sex again?? I feel like I'm damaged goods and will never have a chance of a relationship again!

OP posts:
Original poster
fmlfmlfml · 18/03/2015 00:07

ffs we have been using condoms, i have only been seeing him a few months :s

OP posts:
a2011x · 18/03/2015 00:09

Yes given that you would of been aware that you will never fully get rid of them and there will flare ups on and off throughout the rest of your life

RocketInMyPocket · 18/03/2015 00:12

But you know the feelings you went through when you first contracted from ex, so I just assumed that that would make you hyper aware not to have someone feel like that about you.

FWIW, I do actually agree with the PP's in that most people have some sort of strain of it themselves, it just never presents itself.

Just think it's odd OP is clearly still pissed at having contracted it herself, yet didn't seem all that concerned she could pass it on, and clearly wasn't checking herself enough. As I said I'm pretty sure the ex didn't purposefully infect her...

yumyumpoppycat · 18/03/2015 00:17

The thing is though checking herself wouldn't have made any difference if the virus is infectious even without warts present. There does seem to be some thinking that the virus can clear itself eventually too

www.fpa.org.uk/sexually-transmitted-infections-stis-help/genital-warts

Original poster
fmlfmlfml · 18/03/2015 00:17

tmi time. the wart is in a strange place, whick involved shaving and some extreme gymnastics with a mirror to see. not sonething i do on daily basis. i do check but unfortunately i am blessed with dark pubic hair and bad eyesight.

OP posts:
Original poster
fmlfmlfml · 18/03/2015 00:20

yes maybe i sound careless but juggling work and a new relatiobship that was making me happy dwelling on a past sti wasnt at the forefront of my mind

OP posts:
RocketInMyPocket · 18/03/2015 00:21

The fact you said this
I think the thing is I wouldn't be understanding if it was the other way around, I'd be quite annoyed and disgusted and then went on to say this ffs we have been using condoms, i have only been seeing him a few months makes it sound to me like you don't actually give a shit if you've infected him or not, all you care about is being dumped and being 'damaged goods'.
You sound like a bit of a hypocrite tbh, if it makes you feel like damaged goods then how can you justify potentially making other people feel like this by not adequately checking yourself?

yumyumpoppycat · 18/03/2015 00:21

Don't know how accurate this is but the website I just clicked on says this: The types of HPV that cause visible genital warts (types 6 and 11) do not cause cancer of the cervix, vulva, penis or anus.
Read more at www.fpa.org.uk/sexually-transmitted-infections-stis-help/genital-warts#iZqRvHQwyVQbmVA7.99

Having said that I did see another doctor net page that said condoms offer protection, and clearly they do not.

There is a lot of conflicting advice on warts Confused but clearly you are not damaged goods op and hopefully your boyf will understand he may already have had the virus.

RocketInMyPocket · 18/03/2015 00:22

Or not giving them the option to decide for themselves whether you're worth them making themselves 'damaged goods' over

goodasitgets · 18/03/2015 00:25

I had them 13 years ago, and never had an outbreak since. I wouldn't tell a new partner. I don't think you've been unreasonable not to say but obviously you need to chat now
Mine were transmitted via sexual contact, not full sex

Original poster
fmlfmlfml · 18/03/2015 00:25

well i am quite panicky and upset about the whole situation so maybe i am a hypicrite or whatever. and im feeling a bit defensive about some of the harsh judgement here

OP posts:
DarthVadersTailor · 18/03/2015 00:27

OP if your bf gets angry at this and dumps you then you've had a lucky escape - why should anyone reveal their entire sexual history to someone especially when it's only been a short time? And besides it's not like you didn't tell him you were HIV positive is it?

You got the problem treated at the time & did exactly what you should have done so why would you bring it up if you thought they were gone? I definitely wouldn't have even thought about it!!!

Obviously you should, if you've not already, tell him about the latest outbreak and explain that you've had them before and got them treated. Any reasonable partner would simply accept it and get themselves checked to my mind, it's not something to be angry about or hold a grudge over as it's not malicious and it's actually fairly common. If they're not reasonable then consider getting rid!!!

Original poster
fmlfmlfml · 18/03/2015 00:28

rocketinmypocket you are being quite unpleasant.

OP posts:
yumyumpoppycat · 18/03/2015 00:28

Rocket the op is feeling a bit shit and confused and said she thought she was clear of the infection - possibly she was. Given the conflicting advice that is pretty understandable.

I guess neither of you had an sti talk or checks before having sex so you shouldn't take full blame for this, as I said before he may have had the virus too, but maybe if the relationship doesn't pan out you could tell future partners to save this guilt and if they really like you they will be ok with it?

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 18/03/2015 00:29

I think

  • you were unreasonable not to tell him at some point in the first few months
  • you would be incredibly unreasonable not to tell him now so that he is aware of any health implications for himself and any future partners
  • you aren't unreasonable to be upset - just because warts / HPV is common doesn't mean it's pleasant, and I'm sorry you're going through this, especially with a bf you really like Flowers
winnybella · 18/03/2015 00:32

In 90% of cases the body clears itself of HPV within two years so people who say you're stuck with it forever are wrong.

BitOfFun · 18/03/2015 00:33

Given that the virus lies dormant, sometimes for years, your partner could equally have passed it to you.

I think it's fair enough to just tell him you've discovered a wart, and that he needs to check himself in case he needs treatment too, and be as matter-of-fact about it as you can manage. You don't have to disclose that you've had them before if you don't want to, because many people carry it without ever having symptoms.

I know it must feel like a badge of shame, but it's just a medical issue that can affect anyone.

yumyumpoppycat · 18/03/2015 00:36

yes - what bit of fun said.

RocketInMyPocket · 18/03/2015 00:53

I don't mean to be unpleasant at all, I'm trying to say obviously very badly that I don't understand why you're getting defensive that people are saying you should have told him beforehand, as you yourself said it's made you feel like damaged goods (I absolutely don't think you are btw, as others have said, it's v. common) but by getting so defensive you are coming across as if it didn't enter your head that you could make someone else feel how you feel.
That's why I asked if you felt you had adequate advice, and whether you were told it would be recurring when you were diagnosed.
But to post on AIBU, then get defensive when people say you are, is frustrating, because why ask?

fizzycolagurlie · 18/03/2015 00:55

I agree with BitofFun and Yumyum.

And I have to say OP you bit about the latex pants that haven't been invented gave me such a chuckle it turned my day around.

Could be worse, try not to worry too much.

Original poster
fmlfmlfml · 18/03/2015 01:10

i think the majority opinion is that i should have told him beforehand about the past infection (which i seem to have been v underinformed about hpv) :s and i guess in future i should tell any new partners from to off, which is feeling like a bleak prospect, as im not sure i am cut out for such personal convos with people i barely know...

OP posts:
fizzycolagurlie · 18/03/2015 01:13

but if you barely know them you probably shouldn't be bumping uglies.

Original poster
fmlfmlfml · 18/03/2015 01:14

when i was diagnosed the info i got was quite lacking, it may have been because it was a gp rather than sti clinic. it was pretty much 'put this on them and they should go away'. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
fmlfmlfml · 18/03/2015 01:15

i'm not the type to wait until multipke months into a relationship to have sex. i quite like sex....

OP posts:
PurplePITA · 18/03/2015 01:18

I would have told a new partner - if you have sex you can get sti's and there is nothing shameful about it.

You have to tell him, even if you break up with him. If you don't tell him and then he passes it on to a new partner then that would be your fault and that is NOT OK. Tell him that you had got rid of them but they have come back and that you want to refrain from sex until they have cleared. That all you need to do. If he dumps you over it then I doubt he was good boyfriend material. Don't forget that there is always the possibility that he has infected you.

Good luck OP - I hope it works out.