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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To want to flying headbutt DP?!

233 replies

WhingeyMinge · 17/03/2015 21:09

I look after DS (7 months) all day every day and put him to bed every night. I bath him at 7pm, dress and feed him and he's usually asleep in his cot by around 7.30pm. DP gives him lots of kisses before I take him up to bed but when we go up to bed ourselves (usually around 10pm) he is just so noisy and has to kiss DS on the face at least 10 times which wakes him up EVERY SINGLE FRIKKIN NIGHT!! DP then gets in to bed and lays there while I have to get up and try to settle DS because he's now crying his eyes out, this can take about 30 mins or more, which is a lot when I've been up since 6am and just want to get in to bed. It's really winding me up so I've decided to move DS to his own room starting from tonight so that he doesn't have to be disturbed, when I told DP he said "I'm not really happy about you moving him yet, I'll still have to go in and give him a kiss anyway because it's just the way I am and I've always done it"
AAAARRRGGGGHHHH I told him that from now on if he wakes him then he has to stay up with him until he's settled as it's unfair cos I'm really tired and it's also unfair on DS having to be woken every night. Plus he's less likely to re-settle when he realises he's in a different room without us.
He thinks I'm being unreasonable! It's not as if he doesn't kiss him before I take him up to bed in the first place, plus if he really really has to why can't it just be one gentle one that doesn't wake him?! Angry
Who is being unreasonable here? I'm so fed up his selfish attitude!

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 18/03/2015 18:39

Ah, so now that he's got you sprogged up (with a baby he does fuck all to care for and is cruel to) so it's harder for you to leave, and he's firmly established that looking after children is your womanly duty and nothing to do with him, he's going to land you with three he made earlier.

Jesus, poor you.

OfficerVanHalen · 18/03/2015 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Icimoi · 18/03/2015 20:42

His ex is going to have her children taken away due to emotional abuse? Erm really?? He sounds hell - no wonder her is her ex...

Why, currentnameinuse? If she has her children taken away for emotional abuse, that will be due to social services action, nothing to do with OP's partner.

Original poster
WhingeyMinge · 18/03/2015 21:10

It's come from all the social services reports that we've received.. not from my DP. They are going to do a public law outline which gives her so many weeks to wise up or they're taking them, she's pregnant with someone else's child too and it's already on the child protection register even though it's not born yet.

Plus she's sent me numerous fb messages with abuse in, I've never replied to any of them because I don't want to get involved, I block her and she makes a new account to send more. She doesn't know me so has no reason to be contacting me

OP posts:
FlabbyMummy · 18/03/2015 21:29

If custody is granted will his children live with you?

Original poster
WhingeyMinge · 18/03/2015 21:37

Yeah, they'll do checks first to make sure everything's ok (it will be, we have no social services involvement with DS) the 2 girls will be placed with us but the oldest boy will be put in to foster care until he decides he wants to live with us and his sister's as he's not biologically DP's but he brought him up from 6 months and loves him as his own

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 18/03/2015 21:39

You wake, you take.

And why does he wake him? Is he drunk when you go to bed? I just can't picture a rational, sober adult waking a sleeping baby. Let alone lying there whilst someone else deals with the aftermath. Am Angry on your behalf.

Original poster
WhingeyMinge · 18/03/2015 21:41

No, none of us drink, he can just be an arse

OP posts:
minibmw2010 · 18/03/2015 21:42

It's possible to kiss a baby goodnight without waking it, you just don't touch the baby and are gentle with it.

slightlyconfused85 · 19/03/2015 07:03

DH kisses our DD every night at about this time. He has done it since she was a baby and he is gentle and she has never woken. If she did he would stop doing it.

RoganJosh · 19/03/2015 07:09

At the weekend does he do 50% of the getting up/looking after the baby/housework?

Hissy · 19/03/2015 07:21

He left children in a situation where he knew they would be abused?

There is a special place in hell for men like this.

And you chose to have a child with him?

I don't have the words. Him being a twat is the tip of the iceberg.

He's a crap father.

AliceMcGee · 19/03/2015 07:45

the reports have come from ss.I don't see any suggestion that her dp knew anything about the abuse.
on another matter, I am appalled about the casual jokey reference to Dv. crikey I'd it were a man making his jokes about head butting his wife Mnhq would have edited the title. shame on you and your double standards MNHQ

TheSingingMonkey · 19/03/2015 07:48

In what ways is he an excellent father, OP?

So far you've said you look after DS all day everyday and do all bed and bath and you're up in the night with him. He has 'stuff to do' during the day if you ask for help and will look after him for a few hours do you can so housework. None of this equates to a great Dad. More like one who expects you to do it all. Which will only increase if you get his DC.

Original poster
WhingeyMinge · 19/03/2015 08:32

Hissy - no he did not know that they would be abused!
"There is a special place in hell for men like this" that was uncalled for! Angry
If you must know why he left it was because she was abusive towards him, and she used to tell him that she wishes he was dead like his father!

He is not a crap father, when he is here he helps with nappy changes, feeds and so on and he would do anything for any of his children. He always offers to do the bath before bed but I like to do it.

The only problem that I was pissed off about was the kissing when asleep but he's stopped doing that since the night before last when we rowed about it

OP posts:
ptumbi · 19/03/2015 08:46

he would do anything for any of his children. - except settle the child that HE has woken up? He leaves him to cry, so you have to do it!

And if he offers to do bathtime - fgs let him! He should be more involved in the day-to-day nappy changes etc, and if you already do all the rest of the childcare, you should share all the nice, cuddly times too.

SpinDoctorOfAethelred · 19/03/2015 12:19

No really she is, she had her 8 year old taken in to care when he was born and got him back when he was 6 months (with DP's help)

OP, I appreciate that this thread is probably a very hard read. You posted, hoping for a few YANBUs, and now it must seem like we're laying into your baby's father, just for the hell of it.

But please listen. Look at the version of events you're presenting. You say that your p's ex is an awful parent because she had "her baby" taken into care. Her baby?!?!?!?! And got him back with her partner's "help"?

Social services do not just swoop to take children into care! They would not just take a baby into care if there was one decent parent in the household. If that baby was taken into care, that was a judgement on the parenting abilities of your partner as well. He's not a 'great dad'; he's already had one taken into care once!

If they'd been separated at the time, I think social services would have been willing to place the baby with him, as the baby's other parent, if he seemed fit. They prefer to place children within the family. But that's by the by, because they weren't separated, were they? They had another two children. Think about that. He had another two children with the woman he now blames for having their first taken into care! If my husband thought I wasn't capable of looking after our children, he'd leave me and take the kids with him. He certainly wouldn't be having any more with me!

Don't relieve your bloke of responsibility for previous parenting screw-ups. Please.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 19/03/2015 12:24

"he didn't know they would be abused"... "he left because she was abusive"

SpinDoctorOfAethelred · 19/03/2015 12:33

Cross-post, didn't see your the 2 girls will be placed with us but the oldest boy will be put in to foster care until he decides he wants to live with us and his sister's as he's not biologically DP's but he brought him up from 6 months and loves him as his own.

That affects some of what I said, but not most of it. He was on the scene early enough to be involved in regaining custody, probably early enough that he was involved when the baby was removed.

It couldn't be a surprise to him that she's abusive to the children now. He was there when one was removed, and he's lived with her and experienced her behaviour towards him! Hissy - no he did not know that they would be abused!
"There is a special place in hell for men like this" that was uncalled for!
If you must know why he left it was because she was abusive towards him, and she used to tell him that she wishes he was dead like his father!

But he trusted her with his children, when he left, despite all that?

Original poster
WhingeyMinge · 19/03/2015 14:03

He hadn't even met her yet when she had her kid taken off her, there was no question of his parenting ability, that's why social services are considering placing them with us.

OP posts:
AliceMcGee · 19/03/2015 14:22

poor OP!!
These allegations against her partner are dreadful!
It is a ridiculous extrapolation to go from kissing a baby awake, to being a deadbeat dad, condoning his children being abused and part of the reason that his former partner had her child taken into care.
It make me quite sad to be a woman and a mother when I see vulturous harpies circling round trying to find a different angle to get the knife in.

Original poster
WhingeyMinge · 19/03/2015 14:59

Thanks Alice, he's not a bad dad at all, no one on here knows the full story, all I wanted was some advice about him waking the baby.
No one knows the struggle he's been through to see his children or how hard it's been, no one else sees him crying himself to sleep at night and kissing pictures of them because he misses them so much. And he deserves to be in hell? Harsh, really harsh

OP posts:
Nicola19 · 19/03/2015 15:22

Like I say to my sometimes noisy friends round at ours, 'You wake the baby, you take the baby!'

Hissy · 19/03/2015 16:53

He HELPS with the nappies... seriously? would you listen to yourself?

He doesn't HELP with the nappies, he CHANGES HIS CHILD'S NAPPY.

He left his children with an abusive woman. a woman he couldn't stand to be with, and who was unhealthy to be around. Rather than save the children from being brought up like that, and be condemned to repeating HER mannerisms, he took the easy way out and left them with her.

Sorry, but he has NOT demonstrated being good at ANYTHING other than procreating. He's not a good man, not a good husband or father.

You don't walk out on your kids. Not when the other parent is abusive. Never. No excuse.

and 50/50 parenting is a cop out too. If a child is raised with an abuser, they will be abused indirectly and then directly. No Fail. Ever.

He is WAKING a baby ON PURPOSE because of his own selfishness.

the kissing pictures of them? Hmm he cries himself to sleep?... I'm surprised he can sleep at all tbh. Sounds more like guilt than missing them. THAT would actually redeem him somewhat...

His Ex had lost her kids before he met her and he carried on and had kids with her anyway... again ALL ABOUT HIM

He doesn't care about the child's welfare any more than he cared about his older children's well being. he certainly has NO respect for you, and you enable this crap.

I know that is harsh, I'm sorry. I really am, but I am looking at this from the children's perspective, something that no other person in this awful situation appears interested in.

This man is not a good one, he is SO bloody awful it's not true and you are allowing him to be so.

Cop yourself on love, his needs over-ride everyone elses, even a sleeping infant. The longer that this goes on, your baby will grow up knowing that their needs don't matter, you don't matter and only this 'man' matters.

Icimoi · 19/03/2015 17:13

The fact that OP's husband left his ex because she was abusive does not mean he knew that she would abuse the children. There are plenty of people who will abuse their spouse but will treat their children perfectly normally.