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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to flying headbutt DP?!

233 replies

WhingeyMinge · 17/03/2015 21:09

I look after DS (7 months) all day every day and put him to bed every night. I bath him at 7pm, dress and feed him and he's usually asleep in his cot by around 7.30pm. DP gives him lots of kisses before I take him up to bed but when we go up to bed ourselves (usually around 10pm) he is just so noisy and has to kiss DS on the face at least 10 times which wakes him up EVERY SINGLE FRIKKIN NIGHT!! DP then gets in to bed and lays there while I have to get up and try to settle DS because he's now crying his eyes out, this can take about 30 mins or more, which is a lot when I've been up since 6am and just want to get in to bed. It's really winding me up so I've decided to move DS to his own room starting from tonight so that he doesn't have to be disturbed, when I told DP he said "I'm not really happy about you moving him yet, I'll still have to go in and give him a kiss anyway because it's just the way I am and I've always done it"
AAAARRRGGGGHHHH I told him that from now on if he wakes him then he has to stay up with him until he's settled as it's unfair cos I'm really tired and it's also unfair on DS having to be woken every night. Plus he's less likely to re-settle when he realises he's in a different room without us.
He thinks I'm being unreasonable! It's not as if he doesn't kiss him before I take him up to bed in the first place, plus if he really really has to why can't it just be one gentle one that doesn't wake him?! Angry
Who is being unreasonable here? I'm so fed up his selfish attitude!

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 18/03/2015 07:16

So when you point out that he's waking up the baby and this causes both you and the baby distress what does he say? I don't care?

Ratbagcatbag · 18/03/2015 07:30

"If he has a day off he will sometimes watch him for a few hours for me to get on with housework"

How generous of him Hmm he does not watch your son for you, he takes equal responsibility for him, it's made to sound like he's doing you a favour when actually it shouldn't be that, it's just standard, do you have to ask him? If me and dh are both in (generally are as we both work ft and the same hours) it's much more dh I'm going to do x,y,z and off I go. If he's got something to do its I'm off to sort a,b,c. Moreover so we know the other ones busy.
Do you get any free time? Nights out etc?
And I'm really sorry, but what's he doing about not seeing his other kids, I know someone (male) who was in court every other week self repping to keep access to his children, his ex made his life hell, but he never ever gave up and they have a fab relationship now.

MrsEvadneCake · 18/03/2015 07:33

Is it because she's jealous or because he can't be bothered to chase it? The more you say about him the more selfish he sounds.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 18/03/2015 07:33

Can you tell us a little bit more about how being 'a miserable bastard' works? What happens if you piss him off, does he rage at you or is it the silent treatment?

ByTheWishingWell · 18/03/2015 07:36

Do you have any free time for yourself OP? Your last post makes it sound like you look after your DS all the time, while your DP does nothing mystery 'stuff' on his days off and only takes over so you can do housework. Have I read that right?! If so, I think the kissing thing is just symptomatic of your DP being generally lazy and selfish. You do all the work all day, then DP makes a big show of how 'loving' and 'involved' he is with kisses that wake your baby up.

I agree with the PP who said it isn't about getting your DP to settle him afterwards, it's about him not deliberately disturbing and upsetting him in the first place. I wonder if your DP would like to be woken up and then ignored at random intervals through the night, just because you love him so much...

Original poster
WhingeyMinge · 18/03/2015 07:38

It's an ongoing court process, he's had contact with the youngest twice in the last few weeks but his ex has stopped it again now, court again next week, she's an idiot and may be having them taken off her for emotional abuse if she doesn't sort herself out.Confused
I do just tell him I'm going to do whatever but if he has something to do he moans about how long I'm going to be, I don't really go on nights out cos I don't drink , my social life revolves around DS... Playgroups etc!

OP posts:
Original poster
WhingeyMinge · 18/03/2015 07:41

NoIt's definitely that she's jealous and not that he can't be bothered, it's all he ever talks about. We have a 7 grand solicitors bill already. There's been a court order for contact to take place but she's ignoring it, she shouts at me in town and stuff that I'm a slag etc when she's never ever met me!

OP posts:
ByTheWishingWell · 18/03/2015 07:44

I have an 18 month old who still breastfeeds to sleep every night, so haven't had a night out since she was born. But my DP still takes over for a few hours or an afternoon so I can go out to meet a friend or have a long bath and some relaxation time. Does your DP do that, or will he only look after your DS if you have a specific chore to do?

Original poster
WhingeyMinge · 18/03/2015 07:50

He would have him if I wanted to go out somewhere as long as he wasn't working x

OP posts:
FayKorgasm · 18/03/2015 07:52

Sweetheart what you've written about him he does not come across as a great dad. He sounds like a doing the bare minimum dad. This kissing ds and waking him crap must stop.

TheSingingMonkey · 18/03/2015 07:55

Sorry OP but regardless of his other children situation he sounds like a lazy arse.

He looks after him for a few hours so you can do housework? Really? Wtf does he do? Why is he not doing housework and bedtime? Seriously OP, he's taking the piss. Why is he not looking after the child he does have?

lottiegarbanzo · 18/03/2015 07:55

Reading about your DH makes me angry on your behalf - a lot more than you are. You work full time and overtime looking after DS while he works part time. He is cruel to your son. He's not nice.

ByTheWishingWell · 18/03/2015 07:56

And not moan about it? Wink It's good that you get time to yourself, it's important.

How is he at weekends? Are things like nappy changes/ meal preparation/ feeding split fairly?

lottiegarbanzo · 18/03/2015 08:05

But essentially 'it's just the way I am', 'what, deliberately cruel to your child, someone who gets pleasure from making babies cry?' If that's 'just the way he is' you have a lot to worry about.

TheSingingMonkey · 18/03/2015 08:20

He would have him if I wanted to go out somewhere as long as he wasn't working

Oh how good of him. This is his child. When he's not working he should be pulling his weight equally, it's called parenting. It's not babysitting, it's not helping you, it's being his Dad.

I wonder if he's a bit of a Disney Dad. Spends his time professing about his other DC but does fuck all with the one he lives with.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 18/03/2015 08:42

Good lord. You've got yourself a right prince among men there Hmm

BathtimeFunkster · 18/03/2015 09:04

I'm not surprised the mother of his children is trying to keep them away from him, given what a cruel and selfish parent he is.

He obviously pulled this shit with her as well, so she knows exactly what he's like.

CocktailQueen · 18/03/2015 09:16

Sounds like you have a lot more going on than just your h waking your ds up.

How can he be 'otherwise lovely' yet 'a miserable bastard'? 'He doesn't see that he is being unreasonable at all' about kissing and waking ds? 'He's self-employed so he doesn't work every day'... yet you're 'still usually the one who looks after DS... he will sometimes watch him for a few hours for me to get on with housework'.

Sorry, OP, he doesn't sound like a good dad to me. He sounds like a lazy freeloader.

RocketInMyPocket · 18/03/2015 10:03

Hi OP.
I feel like I could jave written this post a few years ago.
Not the purposefully waking the baby, but the rest.
As a PP said, at the moment you have a full time job, while his is part time.
I understand that as the mother, you probably feel like that's your job, but it's both your responsibilities.
While he isn't at work, it should be equal, so he should be chipping in with household chores nappy changes etc. The days he is off, the work load at home should be split 50 50.
You said he wouldn't mind having the baby if you wanted to go out, but honestly, could you turn around and say 'I'm popping out for a few hours alone today' without having to explain/justify why you can't take baby with you? Because you're perfectly entitled to do that!!
It sounds like he's generally lovely, because you generally do everything!
Does he ever just offer to take baby out so you can have a lazy day/few hours to put
your feet up?
What is he like with regards to giving you money etc?
I'm only asking because this sounds oh to familiar to me, and I know how much resentment it builds.
His life hasn't changed, he's still able to pop out whenever he wants, whereas now you're chained behind 4 walls. And I expect you would feel guilty about saying you needed a break, I know I did, but you can't carry on like this. You are running yourself ragged.
I used to only have toddler groups as my social life too, and my DP would be sat at home. It's NOT fair, you are entitled to just as much a social life as he is!!

Sorry if I'm projecting here, as I've said I've been there, so if I'm wrong tell me to bog off lol

RocketInMyPocket · 18/03/2015 10:12

I also felt like if I said I needed a break for a few hours that meant I was failing, as I said I'm projecting here, but if that's how you feel it's NOT true.

Even though I had a DP, I might as well have been a single mother, that's how I felt.
Me and my DP did split up for a few months, and it was actually a hell of a lot easier.
My day to day didn't change, as I was doing everything anyway, and i just had one less person to feed/pick up after.

Honestly, if he were to leave you tomorrow, what part of your daily life would change?
If the answer is 'nothing much' then that's a big problem, and you should absolutely be being supported more than you are

BitchBags · 18/03/2015 10:30

OP yanbu. Dh used to do this every morning with Ds. He insisted he had to give him a kiss before he left for work at stupid o'clock which would then mean Ds would be awake so we would have to get up too! It stopped when Ds moved into his own room at 6 months as the rule is no one is to go in there when Ds is sleeping.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/03/2015 11:21

ChocolateScones - people are saying 'let him settle the baby back to sleep if he wakes him up' because we think that this is probably the best way for him to learn not to wake the baby up.

The OP has already tried asking him/telling him repeatedly not to wake the baby when he goes to bed, but he hasn't listened (up until last night) - maybe if he gets a taste or two of the effects of waking the baby up, if he has to deal with the consequences, this will demonstrate to him why it is such a bad idea.

Icimoi · 18/03/2015 11:31

Don't let him get away with whinging that he's not allowed to kiss DS. Point out (1) that he is allowed to kiss DS as much as he likes when he's awake; (2) if he's that desperate to kiss him when he's asleep that's also allowed, provided (a) he does so lightly and does his utmost not to wake him, and (b) if he does wake him he has to settle him and cannot leave him crying in the hope that he'll settle on his own. If he agrees to those entirely reasonable requests then of course he's allowed to kiss DS. Ask him on what planet it can conceivably be reasonable or acceptable for him to demand his "right" to kiss DS on the basis that he goes to sleep whilst you have to cope with the fallout when he wakes DS up.

PrimalLass · 18/03/2015 11:53

Tell him that there will be absolutely no sex until he stops waking the baby up. None.

Chippednailvarnish · 18/03/2015 14:47

If your DP sounds like a dickhead, it's because he is.