To put my career first? Career/Money or Work Life Balance?

[AccountantsDilemma]

I am at a cross roads in my career and I don't know what to do.

I have worked for my current employer for ten years and I am doing well, have worked up through the ranks and chances are I would make it to Partner....but I am really unhappy. I have two young children, no work life balance and feel constantly taken advantage of at work.

As a result I decided to look for a new job and I now have two offers on the table that I am considering.

1. Option one - FD of a relatively small business, only a handful of people in my team, sizeable pay cut from what I earn now, a few miles drive from my home (15 minute commute), no chance of promotion but a genuine 9 to 5 day - I could drop my children off at pre-prep, it would offer a huge lifestyle change.

1. Option two - the career role, large multi-national, senior role, significant pay rise (pay rise alone is almost more than option 1 pays). I did not think I would get this role, I am not sure I could even do this role - I am terrified I would fail. Even if I am good enough then it is an hour commute each way (same as current commute) and the chances are I would put the children to bed on a Sunday night and not see them until Saturday morning.

My heart is saying that I can't continue to not see my children during the week but my ambition is telling me to push myself and take option 2. I don't know what to do and I am really worried about making the wrong choice and resenting it in the future.

Any words of wisdom, past experience or general help would be much appreciated.

In your shoes I'd take option two, wait a few months, and if the ethos and culture was to my liking I'd be thinking about moving closer to town.

You say your DH is older (late forties, v. early fifties maybe?)- there's every possibility that in five years or so he could be retired. His star is on the wane and he knows that, deep down. He'll be rattling around the house and have every opportunity to spend loads of time with the kids when they need it more. On a more simplistic level as they get older their bedtimes will get later, so you will be seeing them during the week anyway.

Honestly it sounds like if you went for option one you'd stagnate. The fact you don't "need" the money is a red herring; there's plenty of families on here that could cope on lower salaries but it doesn't mean you stop being ambitious. Just because you're the woman here do not think that because you work long hours and don't feel guilty it means you're some sort of unfeeling robot. Go for it!

Haven't read the times article referred to here, but I imagine it will somehow implicitly put the blame on the female in the family not being around which is such old news and more importantly unreliable evidence especially when newer research has shown that it's about the stability of the caregiver (be it nanny, parent, grandparent...) that's important rather than it having to always be mum, and a stay at home mother at it.

Of course there will be other factors that will be significant or at least taken into consideration, including things like education levels, income levels, etc.

What's interesting about this thread is that it shows that there is no one right answer.

Quite simply even reading about Option 2 makes me feel exhausted already. I do not understand at all why anyone would choose to commute for over an hour a day and hardly see their DCs at all during the week. But others view it as a wonderful opportunity - I assume that these people have more energy than I do.

I have no desire to Lean In, I'd rather lean back and have a glass of wine and some free time in the evenings and at the weekend. Luckily my fairly plebian p/t job allows me to do this and pays a reasonable salary as well.

OP you must do what you think is right. The fact that you've already chosen your Mother's day option to be a trip to the city to review how doable it is, rather than say a nice trip to the park which your DCs might have enjoyed more, shows that you want to do it. Good luck to you and your family.

"The fact that you've already chosen your Mother's day option to be a trip to the city to review how doable it is, rather than say a nice trip to the park which your DCs might have enjoyed more"

That is a little harsh, my DC spent the whole of yesterday at the park, swimming and then chilling playing with me at home. They had a great day today too - London is exciting for little ones, singing London Bridge is falling down as we crossed the Bridge itself (well, its current version), admiring how ''huge' the shard is etc. Luckily my children will grow up with varied and diverse experiences and will know a lot more than just their way around the local park.

I wish my husband was that old craic as he then might be on the wind down! But no, I was a bit of a high flier pre DC so I am only in my very early 30's and he is in his early 40's. We did however have a good chat on our way into the city this afternoon and if I do go for Option 2 and make a success of it within 2 to 3 years he said he would be happy to be the parent who makes it home in time for the childrens bedtime each evening.

Strangely I am however leaning towards Option 1 (not because of The Times article though!).

Sorry OP my remark was below the belt, I apologise and I'm glad your DCs had a good weekend.

Thanks rookie, my reply was maybe a little too much too, I am feeling a little oversensitive off the back of some of the comments that I have read about my parenting choices on this thread!

I'm definitely just treading water career wise in a p/t but well-paid and responsible role. My DCs are ages 9 and 6. I work so that I can pick them up from school. I'm often really torn between wanting a bigger role, but putting the time in with my children. So far, I do think I've made the right decision - I've put loads of time in listening to them read, helping with homework, getting them swimming well and practising their musical instruments. Also, I do spend a lot of time talking with them - about the school day, any difficulties, etc. Both doing really, really well at school, academically and socially. But the career is definitely on the back burner and it pains me to see people younger than me being promoted above me. I do feel a bit mid-life crisisy about it all

Do it; give it 6 months the. Reassess
You will know whether it's too much or not then
Bank the cash inbetween and suss out what you learned at super job that you didn't expect to- that will be the real lesson

What about something completely different? I left my big 4 job which would have been absolutely unworkable with dc (m&a) at the end of my mat leave. I set up my own practice and absolutely love it. Still stressful in terms of still clients to please etc and all risk on me, but so much more exciting for me to build my own thing up from scratch, and I am in charge of my own destiny and more importantly my hours!

I just can't conceive of any scenario where putting my kids to bed on Sunday night and not seeing them, in any meaningful way, until Saturday morning would be acceptable. No amount of money or job satisfaction would be worth that.

Time is finite...time taken up by work is time you can't spend with your family. Only you can decide where the balance lies for you.

I was in a similar situation some years ago and took option 2, but making it clear family time was important. For the first 6 months i started early and left shortly after official finish time to see the kids for 30 mins before bed. After 6 months I started doing one day from home and after a while again I shifted to 80%. Career therefore slightly on hold, but I think I am much happier than if I had chosen option 1. Great cleaner and nanny essential, as is making it clear from the start that to be productive and motivated long term you need family time.

I'm sorry OP to slightly go off topic but I cannot let the comment about mental health go.

Growth in children/young people's mental health problems are because:

• increase in awareness and diagnosis
• endemic poverty (1 in 4 children)
• sexualisation and abuse
• domestic violence
• and perhaps educational pressure, constant testing, continuous comparison against unrealistic standards

It is not down to women pursuing highly paid, high profile careers. If that were the case then the UK's children would have some of the best mental health in the world - given the glaring inequality (24th in the world for gender equality) and lack of representation of women at senior levels in British companies.

Given the home setup you have, if the commute won't break you I'd take option 2. I'm stagnating on a career break at the moment and cannot wait to get back into work next year. The intellectual stimulation just isn't here caring for kids full time.

I was in a similar situation to you last week. My role had been made redundant, so I needed to find a new job and I am a single parent, so a slightly different scenario.

However, was offered a much lower paid job, but was a 20 minute journey by train and flexi-time. A lot less stress, but would have set my career back by 5-10 years.

Other role is part of the senior management team, with a good salary and the opportunity to create and head up my own department, so good career prospects. The main snag is that it is a national role and initially they talked about me being away from home for 3 or 4 nights a week. I said no, but was very lucky that they really wanted me. They asked me what they needed to do to make it work for me. We have agreed 2 nights away for the first 3-6 months, but after that, probably then only 1 night, as my team grows.

I did talk it through with my DS (who is nearly 10) and whilst he would prefer me to be at home all the time, he understands that I have to work and if we want great holidays and treats it needed to be option 2. He also understands that the 2 nights away is short term. I also negotiated to work from home on a Friday, so DS was happy with that.

Weekends in any job is strictly family time.

I know it's your decision to make, but I would choose option 2 and give it 6 months to see how you feel.

Just wanted to add - It's really difficult for women. If you were a man, I suspect this wouldn't even be a question you were asking. Option 2 would be the only option and I am sure you would get a pat on the back from your colleagues, rather than any of them telling you that you shouldn't do it because of your family.

Lucy, if that's true (which I'm not sure it is) it's a sad reflection on men....not something to be emulated.

Lucyccfc I disagree with your second post. My DH has turned down a higher paying role to be home for bedtime. Yes there must be some men who wouldn't even consider taking the option with more work/life balance, but some of those may end up regretting missing that time with their DC in 20 or 30 years' time. Some, equally, will be happy with their choice.

OP you say you are very unhappy, have no work/life balance and feel constantly taken advantage of at work. A question for you is whether Option 2 would fix or compound these issues? Would the extra pay translate into a happier you?

Thank you JCW - much more eloquent than my post!

It would have to be option 1 for me.
I was in a similar situation, high-flying corporate job, the exact thing I had wanted to do since I was a kid, and had studied towards. Being very career minded, I went back to work when DC1 was four months old because I was offered a promotion if I came back at that time.
It was great, earned £40,000+ a year, travelled all over, went on expensive holidays, had brilliant childcare etc. I worked M-F and the odd weekend, but was usually emailing etc at the weekend to keep up.
When DC1 was 4, the bottom fell out of my particular sector and I was made redundant. It happened to coincide with application time for schools for DC1. I found myself at a primary school open day, quietly weeping while watching a promo video because in all my career-mindedness, I kind of forgot my DC was growing up and starting school. All the toddler milestones had come and gone and I can genuinely say I didn't notice. The childminder saw them, or DH, or my mum or my mil. Not me.
I hate being asked "When did DC1 first walk, or get their first tooth?" because I honestly don't remember. And I feel shit about it.
I now have another DC, 8 months old, and took a part time job in a shop for 16 hours a week starting earlier this year.
I was worried what people would think, if they knew what I used to do, but I genuinely don't care. I love the interaction and meeting real people, not just other career types. Ok, I am practically broke, I earn roughly 1/4 (or less) than what I did earn, but it's not about that for me.
And I can still freelance/consult till DC2 is at school.
Yes, I miss the buzz of it, and the perks, but although my entire education was pushed towards career success, and it paid off, I wish I'd been taugh more about Work/Life balance as well.

Having said that, you might be luckier and be able to follow a different path.

I don't envy you your situation, and I hope you find the solution that works for you.

Maybe there are lots of men out there who want a better work life balance, but I very rarely hear it said out loud. Most men I have known, would not even have to take this into account, as they either have a wife who looks after the children or sorts out the child care.

Maybe it's just the companies I have worked for and the attitude of a lot of the senior men, but. I actually think it is quite common.

If this were Dadsnet, I suspect a lot of the responses would be 'Option 2' without any qualms at all.

It is a sad reflection of society in general and I wish it wasn't that way.

I don't think certain society accepts the concept of men wanting to spend more time with their kids, to be honest. Look at ads, mums are always super women, whereas men are portrayed as incompetent parents who can't even make cereal without making a mess.
Of all the working dads I know, which is a lot, I know two who have adjusted their lives to take care of their kids. One is my brother, who does 7-3 instead of 9-5 so he can do the school run.
The other is a friend of DH, who was made redundant from a manufacturing job but now works as a TA at his kids' school. However, and this is the difference, both my SiL and friend's wife have very well paid jobs, one in banking, the other as a head teacher.
If not for that, they probably wouldn't be in the same situation.

I went for Option 1, having tried an equivalent to Option 2. (not quite as high powered as yours but still a big promotion)

I simply felt that there was no substitute for having time with my DDs when were little. I also actually found that I enjoyed Option 1 a whole lot more. More control of my day, greater influence in the company, and being a lot less stressed.

Whenever I missed the £££ I just reminded myself that "you can always get more money, you can never get more time".

You are also younger than me so you can always gear up when the little ones are older. I am now actually going back into a slightly more demanding role (for reasons other than money) but still part time.

I also recently read Happiness by Design, which i felt vindicated my choices

www.theguardian.com/science/2014/aug/27/happiness-by-design-paul-dolan-how-we-are-vincent-deary-review

As the article notes, "tolerating misery for years in the hope of a bigger happiness payoff later almost never works"

You might not be miserable in Option 2 as such but it sounds as though missing our on seeing your kids won't make you happy.

Op, you sound like a fantastic accountant and mum so whatever option you choose it will work for you.

I'm quite lazy so obviously I'd choose option 1 which is why I've never been in a well paid job (and I've always seen work as a job rather than a career!).