To put my career first? Career/Money or Work Life Balance?

[AccountantsDilemma]

I am at a cross roads in my career and I don't know what to do.

I have worked for my current employer for ten years and I am doing well, have worked up through the ranks and chances are I would make it to Partner....but I am really unhappy. I have two young children, no work life balance and feel constantly taken advantage of at work.

As a result I decided to look for a new job and I now have two offers on the table that I am considering.

1. Option one - FD of a relatively small business, only a handful of people in my team, sizeable pay cut from what I earn now, a few miles drive from my home (15 minute commute), no chance of promotion but a genuine 9 to 5 day - I could drop my children off at pre-prep, it would offer a huge lifestyle change.

1. Option two - the career role, large multi-national, senior role, significant pay rise (pay rise alone is almost more than option 1 pays). I did not think I would get this role, I am not sure I could even do this role - I am terrified I would fail. Even if I am good enough then it is an hour commute each way (same as current commute) and the chances are I would put the children to bed on a Sunday night and not see them until Saturday morning.

My heart is saying that I can't continue to not see my children during the week but my ambition is telling me to push myself and take option 2. I don't know what to do and I am really worried about making the wrong choice and resenting it in the future.

Any words of wisdom, past experience or general help would be much appreciated.

Hi there AccountantsDilemma. I found myself in a similar situation a few years ago...on track for partner, but deeply unhappy. I jumped ship to probably closer to your number 2 option. Here's what I have found since....promises made on number 2 option have led to me being just as unhappy in number 2 as i was before. I get home more, but stay away more and miss my children more. i also bring my work home a lot as the time travelling is dead time that can't be used effectively. I am now looking for a combination of option 2's money and option 1's convenience.

My sense from what you are saying is neither is perfect. I would hold out for the perfect job. Don't jump too quickly, take time to find perfection.

FYI, if you are about to make partner, you are AWESOMELY good at your job, so don't fret about believing in yourself, that's just corporate b"S.

It sounds like Option 2 might be the right one for you.

Re social pressures being different for women - this is true but this is not necessarily a bad thing. My dad thought the world of us children, he says, and said we were absolutely the centre of his world. But he worked hard running his own company and he normally got home after we were in bed. He recently said to me that he feels awful about it now and wishes he had shown us his love more through his actions, and giving us more of his time. I was surprised by the whole conversation tbh, I'd always 'known' that the business came first.

Of course my dad doesn't speak for all dads or all parents. I'm sure other people can make the ambitious route work. But it was an interesting and surprising perspective of someone who's been 'lucky' enough to have taken the ambitious route. It wasn't even really about us having missed out, it was that he felt he had missed out on our childhood and showing us how much he loved us.

Maybe you don't want either job?

In my experience, when I'm struggling to make a decision, it's either because neither option appeals to me, OR because I'm worried what people will think if I take my preferred option. Would you secretly LOVE to take Option 2, but are just scared of the local mums raising their eyebrows? I wouldn't let maternal guilt hamper you, you'll get that whatever option you choose. :)

You can't have everything. If you stay at work for long hours, your children WILL bond with their nanny. What choice do they have? It's GOOD that they love the people you've found to care for them. I know it cuts like a knife, :) but it's GOOD.

You won't exercise more if you go with option 1. If you wanted to exercise, you'd be fitting it in to your life already. (My gym is full of high-achievers at 6am. Or they build a gym at home.) So scratch that benefit. I think you'd feel bored and resentful if you swapped success for having coffee with local mums and doing the bath every night. I know lots of mums who took option 1 because they felt they had to, and have resented it ever since. I also know lots of option 2 mums who are loaded with cash but miss their kids... Women are never happy. :)

Do what you WANT to do.

We still have a flat in the city but I don't want to start down the skippy slope of staying there mid week and not making any effort to come home to see the children

I take it there is no chance you could compress hours and do option 2 but stay away M-W nights? Then home Thursday night and off on Friday? Or WFH on Friday?

Such a difficult decision! You were looking for a new job for a better work life balance, in which case going for option 2 would be crazy!

I am wondering though if deep down that was really your reason, or is it more just that you are unhappy in your current role? In which case option 2 could be a brilliant move for you.

Only you can know what you want, you have received some fabulous replies here which will hopefully reassure you. I make decisions by deciding which choice is least likely to lead to regrets. In your case I thinks its option 2 - you would surely have more options should it not work out, ok you mightn't get a job in your immediate area (like option 1) but you will get something great, that is for sure. Please try and not let doubts of your ability sway you - there is no way you would have gotten such a great offer if you weren't capable.

You sound like you are brilliant at your work, and have done amazingly well in your career. Don't doubt your abilities, or your abilities as a mum - sounds like you have more quality time with your children than most of us as you don't have the usual distraction of house work etc. Good luck and let us know what you decide!

I would simply ask what would a man do ? Going for option 2 will give you more,not less freedom long term.

Many men wouldn't go for option 2, mine wouldn't until later when the dc need us less.

That said loads of cash isn't important to him,a decent amount yes but not a huge amount just because.

I do a version of Number 1 and it works for our family. I do get a case of the what ifs occasionally, but having gone down a grade I know the stress that I felt under when trying to be all things to all people.

This may also be terribly unfashionable but I believe that DCs deserve to have at least one of their parents around for most of their breakfasts and bedtimes. Yes care can be outsourced, but really if parents are hardly going to see their small DCs throughout the working week, I'm not sure that alleged qualliteee time at the weekend really cuts it in a childs view. From my experience of DS he would take any amount of quantity over quality.

It does not have to be you through that fulfills that role, it could be your DH - could he start winding back his career in preparation for retirement?

I'm not sure that the comment about what would a man do holds true.

Dh has had the option of earning much, much more money were he to consider working away from home or having a longer commute, but rejected those options as he values his home life and spending time with DS.

You'll go for option 2.

SIL has these almost exact 'dilemmas' every now and then, in the same career. She always goes for option 2. She just wants external validation that she shouldn't feel guilty.

as for the 'nobody wishes they would have spent more time in the office' - you only have to read MN to see how many women regret giving up their careers and going for the low demands-fits around school hours jobs.

If you go for option 1, would you still be happy doing the same thing in 15-20 years?

I would go for option 1. I was offered a promotion in my last job and the pay rise and role appealed to me but seeing my dd for half an hour a day didn't. I ended up with a new manager who I just didn't get on with and 9 months later I left for something completely out of my field, but the hours and pay have made me so much happier and I can spend plenty of time with dd

Really Hazlenutt - I can't recall seeing many posts where women bemoan having low demands jobs.
There does seem to be a fair number of posts where women regret giving up working and making themselves dependant on their spouse, but that's completely different.

Op, my DH and I have just this weekend made the decision that I am going to give the next 12 months of my career absolutely everything I have in the expectation it will open up a huge 'next level' for me. He is going to look after the majority of cooking and domestic chores so I can do this.

This stage when your children are young is hard but the rewards are great - when little ones get older they need you more. To me, the opportunity is there for the taking and I hope you go for it if it's what to want to do. Sometimes the longterm reward doesn't seem a good trade off in the short term. I'd go for option 2 and change down if it's not what you want when you have tried it.

I really recommend the book Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg btw. Good luck!

It sounds as though you really want to do option 2, but feel you ought to do option 1.

Is there any way you can up the time with the kids on option 1? I know you said you don't want to pay a fortune for a house with a shorter commute but it sounds like you can afford it - and long-term I don't think you'd lose out on an inner London property. If you could cut your commute to under half an hour door-to-door it would really increase your chances of spending time with the kids through the week. Especially if you leave in time to do bedtime with them, then get back on the laptop later in the evening.

Or if you really want to stick with living further out, stay over some nights and do very long hours those days, and comparatively shorter hours other days so as to be home to see the kids.

OP is there any way you could, as a family, split your week.

We spend done time in London ( where DH works and DS goes to school) and some time in the HC where DD goes to school.

It's made a massive difference to our lives.

I would choose option one and actually see something of my kids growing up.

I do a job with some similarities to option 2. I have a shorter commute but make sure that unless there is an emergency, I get home pre bed time at least 3 nights during the week. I then will work late into the evening 1 or 2 nights per week and/or attend evening events. So I don't make bed every night but by concentrating the work this way I get the majority. But then you may did there are times such as year end reporting season where you will be more under the cosh.

Depending on where you work you may well be able to schedule things so you can do some working from home, at least as hoc. If you do it as hoc and your colleagues all cope you could seek to make more regular.

How much is the choice about money for you, OP? And how important is the self-esteem/intellectual challenge? Can you separate those from the issue of time for you/a better work/life balance?

I was in a similar situation (although I didn't really have an Option 2! Just a shitty stressful time with my first DC, working very long hours, travelling etc)

I was really looking forward to a 9-5, uncomplicated job. But in the end I found the lack of intellectual challenge - as well as the low salary - just too difficult to cope with. Ironically that brought its own stress as well...

... in the end I set up my own business. Ended up earning much more money but also more in control of my own destiny, and could work from home so saw my DC much more.

Would that be an option for you?

Option 2 will give you more options in the future, although obviously your dc will also keep growing! But DH works for a small co where the directors have kids, and are doing several days a week at home etc, and it's on the back of impressive previous experience they got the job. So if you subsequently wanted to take a step back, it would be even easier I think.

Agree that corporate cannot be as bad as Big 4, I am continually astonished at the hours our audit senior sends emails, let alone anyone more senior. There's a lot more work in industry that although it should be done, nothing bad happens if it isn't so I think it is easier to spread the workload than practice.

What is the relevance of the Times mental health article?

I assume it discusses the pretty dire state of youth mental health services and the increase in mental heslth problems. It probably also links done of this to an increase in parents working long hours and children missing them.