To put my career first? Career/Money or Work Life Balance?

[AccountantsDilemma]

I am at a cross roads in my career and I don't know what to do.

I have worked for my current employer for ten years and I am doing well, have worked up through the ranks and chances are I would make it to Partner....but I am really unhappy. I have two young children, no work life balance and feel constantly taken advantage of at work.

As a result I decided to look for a new job and I now have two offers on the table that I am considering.

1. Option one - FD of a relatively small business, only a handful of people in my team, sizeable pay cut from what I earn now, a few miles drive from my home (15 minute commute), no chance of promotion but a genuine 9 to 5 day - I could drop my children off at pre-prep, it would offer a huge lifestyle change.

1. Option two - the career role, large multi-national, senior role, significant pay rise (pay rise alone is almost more than option 1 pays). I did not think I would get this role, I am not sure I could even do this role - I am terrified I would fail. Even if I am good enough then it is an hour commute each way (same as current commute) and the chances are I would put the children to bed on a Sunday night and not see them until Saturday morning.

My heart is saying that I can't continue to not see my children during the week but my ambition is telling me to push myself and take option 2. I don't know what to do and I am really worried about making the wrong choice and resenting it in the future.

Any words of wisdom, past experience or general help would be much appreciated.

The children have their dad there for bedtime. Often the case that DC of commuters, and not just those in senior well-paid jobs, have either one or the other parent there each night during the week, not both. The only difference here is that it's usually the woman working PT/locally or in the more flexible job, which is a shame IMO.

I mean it's a shame that more men don't seek flexibility in their working lives.

To the poster who is questioning why I had children in the first place:

I have two beautiful, well rounded and broadly happy toddlers. At the weekends they get 100% of me, I don't have to juggle my time with them against the demands of housework or admin, it is real quality time. I appreciate you don't think this makes up for the lack of midweek contact but thousands of people do this, some out of necessity and some out of choice.

Also, working makes me a happier and more rounded person and sets an example to my children, teaching them the value of working and self fulfilment.

Those of you who have commented that any job outside the big 4 would be better in terms of work life balance: thank you, that is very reassuring.

I do worry if I go for option 1 it would be partially (but not wholly) because of social pressure and a dose of 'imposter syndrome' when it comes to option 2!

Hmm...broadly happy doesn't sound good! I think my children are very happy, I was just not wanting to ignore the fact that my eldest has complained that I don't pick her up and drop her off at preprep/spend enough time at home.

One more thought - if Option 1 makes you very unhappy how easy would it be for you to get a "better" job? I know option 2 wouldn't be open any more but could you get back to where you are?

And if Option 2 makes you very unhappy how easy is it for you to get a more flexible role? Is it a case of "full steam ahead or SAHM" or could you use your experience at option 2 to negotiate something else.

I'd go for option 2; having day to day time with your children when they're toddlers is more about your needs than about theirs. The time when they really need you to be around is when they get older, and it looks as though you could mould option 2 to give you the opportunity to be there when it matters, or downsize to something that is still satisfying for you. The risk with option 1 is that you'll never be able to get out of it if it doesn't satisfy you.

And to all those with the "nobody ever wishes they did more time in the office" - well, maybe not, but there'll be a fair few who look back and think "wow, I was really glad to be there at two in the morning when xyz went down! Everybody working together to get the deal out of the door". You might not want to do the routine day to day drag, but can anybody ever say you wouldn't miss those highs? And you only get those by doing the day to day routine drag. It's like saying nobody ever said they wanted to spend more time changing shitty nappies, wiping up vomit, negotiating tantrums, reading the Very Hungry Caterpillar for the nth time, but that's the work you put in to enjoy the first steps, the look of wonder when your child figures out that the symbols on the page are telling her a story, the finger painted mother's day cards, the graduation.

Do option 2, OP. It's social pressure telling you not to. Your heart and head are telling you to go for it.

Sorry op most wp don't just spend time with their dc at weekends and sorry I don't think it's preferable for toddlers( or any other kid to be frank).

Nobody is saying don't work but get a job with more life balance.

I am reading today's TheTime and the very first article reminded me of you OP. Lots of extra finding is being pledged to help with children's mental health issues. I quote "emergency admissions for psychiatric conditions have doubled in the past four years, admissions for young women self-harming have increased by 70% since 2004, the number of children treated for eating disorders has jumped by 12% In a single year"
Something is going seriously wrong in our society, if we decide to have a family then I'm afraid that has to be our priority. And please don't mention the "men don't have to worry" line!! This is not about men vs women, this is about raising emotionally stable people as best as we can. It doesn't matter which parent takes the career hit, but two high flyers who are never there is just not fair on those poor kids. Nobody is saying that you need to be a martyr and never work again but you need to balance your children's needs against your own.

Sorry for the typos!

Definitely definitely option 1. That is what I did and I couldn't have made a better decision. For me it was enough to know that I was 'good enough' for the supposed high flyer job. I got my validation but didn't actually want to do the job. They key thing is what do YOU want? I would rather have stress free work and no work in evenings or weekends so that there isn't massive pressure on the weekends. Having an incredible career just doesn't matter to me, despite having a very good educational and qualified background. Do it if it's important to you to earn loads and have a fancy job, but otherwise, why would you?

i'm at a similar crossroads so this is really interesting.

if option 2 is similar to your current job then like a poster upthread said, you'll just be swapping one sad office for another.

i'm actually quite surprised/encuraged by how many people are saying take otion 2.

sorry if i missed it - how old are your kids?

It is very evident that you, as a family, don't need the money (reading between the lines, your husband is on £300k plus).

To be honest, you already have a nanny and housekeeper and you can afford it. Your kids do not lack any material things. The only deciding factor here is whether you want more time at work or more time with your kids.

I would hate to be away from my husband during the week, let alone kids if we have them. I see many people on their deathbeds. Let me assure you not one single person has expressed a regret at not spending more time at work. You are imminently replaceable and quickly forgotten at any workplace. Trust me on this.

But still, take option 2 if you think you will regret not doing so. But I'd take option 1 in a heartbeat, and feel sorry for my husband that he didn't have the same option.

Off to buy The Times.......

For those of you who asked the
Children are 3 and not far off 2.

Seeing your children at weekends is pretty standard for a working parent.

What a lot of bullshit. It is definitely not standard.

It is tricky because the money difference is very big.
Personally i would go for option 1 but i am not career driven.

One thing i noticed is that you have a good paid help but no family. No matter how good your Nanny is she could leave at any time, it is not granded that she will be there for fewmore years. Can you cope with that, with spending your weekends interviewing new nannies, try one, not working, replacing, etc on top of 2 very demanding careers?

Although making good money helps in stability i.e. you can afford to pay the Nanny well and keep her happy but still she might become pregnant or relocate a month after you take the option 2.

I agree with the poster who suggested to move closer to work if you take option 2.

I would go option 1. If you go for option 2 I'm sure you will make time for your children. Problem I foresee is you will have absolutely no time for yourself. If as a family you can afford to work less then that is the better option all round I would think.

I currently work p/t and am hoping to keep it that way even when the kids start school. Looking forward to a bit of me time - exercise, reading books, catching up on TV!

If you are even considering option 2 then you should take it.
Option 1 for you would be a compromise and you might resent the situation later having not taken option 1.
This is the ultimate 1st world problem women in other cultures work overseas and never see their children.
For me I would definitely do option 1 but we are all different.
Dont take weekend paper articles too seriously, you will be a better mum if you set an example of looking after your self and breaking that glass ceiling, and in doing so are fulfilled and have positive outlook etc etc. If kids cant cope later you can change but they will probably be fine.

I do worry if I go for option 1 it would be partially (but not wholly) because of social pressure and a dose of 'imposter syndrome' when it comes to option 2!

Do it! Do it! :)

Come on, you're not an imposter. You must have seriously impressed them to be offered this job. Don't turn down your big chance out of fear.

Bollocks to social pressure. Truly - as a woman you will never be right.

If you gave up work tomorrow to spend every waking minute with your children, there would be people moaning that you were leeching off your husband and giving your children a bad example.

Full weekends of two parents with no chores to do is a lot more quality time then plenty of children get.

And this will give you more options later. Which is when things really get complicated. Older children have their own lives that can't be so easily fitted around their parents'.

[Disclaimer: I'm only encouraging you because I think that's what you want to do. Either choice is a good choice.]

plummy that is very helpful, i hadn't thought of it that way, I would be working for my employer, squeezing in time for my children and my DH if he's lucky...but there will be little to no time for me with Option 2. I need to work out if the job would be enough (I love working) for the compromise of no 'me time'.

Thanks for all the suggestions of moving closer, we are all about to hop into the car to drive (well
DH will drive so I can mumsnet...it is Mother's Day after all!) in to the city to see of I could made the adjustment. We still have a flat in the city but I don't want to start down the skippy slope of staying there mid week and not making any effort to come home to see the children

You earn more than enough to shorten your commutes and get more time with dc. Not seeing them in the week is a huge shame but can be sorted if you move closer to work. We live central London and I'm a 15 min walk from work. We have a house, garden, and cats. You wouldn't have to compromise on your home so why not give yourself the best of both? Take option 2 but shorten the commute so you can see your kids. Yes property is expensive but you can afford it!

I've just read through. I would give Option 2 a shot - you can always leave. Maybe use the extra salary to shore you up better financially for the future in case you change your mind. You might find that there are options for being at home early occasionally etc.

My children are older now but I left the Big 4 when they were 8,5,and 2 , I was a Senior manager , admittedly in a specialism which had slightly more predictable hours .

I went for option 1 however it was a particularly interesting role in a sector I had an ongoing interest in, intellectually it has largely rewarded my , financially not so much.I occasionally have pangs about the money however I would make the same decision again.

In your shoes I would probably go for option 2,; your children are still young and it is true that at the moment it largely about care as opposed to parenting , the older they are the more you are needed to parent , to discuss values and emotions and more complex issues and those are the things that are up to you and not a nanny , plus in my experience it is very hard to find reliable home based care for teenagers.Even au pairs can be a minefield with teens and they need guidance etc which really you will want to be involved in .I would step up your career and earning potential now so that you have the all important choices when they are older .

Sorry have only read the OP's posts so don't know if this has already been suggested - You're trying to choose between options 1 and 2. Could there be an option 3?

"I have worked for my current employer for ten years and I am doing well, have worked up through the ranks and chances are I would make it to Partner....but I am really unhappy. I have two young children, no work life balance and feel constantly taken advantage of at work."

Is the unhappiness due to the lack of work-life balance, or is it specific to that particular employer? If balance, could you take your offer of job 2 to your current employer and use that as leverage - 'I will leave and go to them for the money, but if you give me a better work life balance I will stay?'

Well in your position is take option 1 in a heartbeat, but we sound like very different people!

So the only advice I'll add is:

• don't reject option 2 because of fear. I'm sure you can do the job. And even if you can't it's not the end of the world. You'll find something else.

• if you take option 2 consider moving closer. You earn heaps between you - make your life easier!

If you are both earning that much then the solution is to move closer to work. OK, it's a huge amount to spend on a house, but sometimes SOMETHING has to give.