To put my career first? Career/Money or Work Life Balance?

[AccountantsDilemma]

I am at a cross roads in my career and I don't know what to do.

I have worked for my current employer for ten years and I am doing well, have worked up through the ranks and chances are I would make it to Partner....but I am really unhappy. I have two young children, no work life balance and feel constantly taken advantage of at work.

As a result I decided to look for a new job and I now have two offers on the table that I am considering.

1. Option one - FD of a relatively small business, only a handful of people in my team, sizeable pay cut from what I earn now, a few miles drive from my home (15 minute commute), no chance of promotion but a genuine 9 to 5 day - I could drop my children off at pre-prep, it would offer a huge lifestyle change.

1. Option two - the career role, large multi-national, senior role, significant pay rise (pay rise alone is almost more than option 1 pays). I did not think I would get this role, I am not sure I could even do this role - I am terrified I would fail. Even if I am good enough then it is an hour commute each way (same as current commute) and the chances are I would put the children to bed on a Sunday night and not see them until Saturday morning.

My heart is saying that I can't continue to not see my children during the week but my ambition is telling me to push myself and take option 2. I don't know what to do and I am really worried about making the wrong choice and resenting it in the future.

Any words of wisdom, past experience or general help would be much appreciated.

Honestly? I wouldn't choose to not see my kids all week. But I wouldn't bat an eyelid if a man did it do that's my issue.

I just gave up an easy local job after a week because I had taken it so I wouldn't inconvenience anyone the rest of the household. But that was a £9/hour job and I have my own business to go back to, not the same thing. I have another interview and this would be a similar commute - an hour or so. Far less convenient but rather exciting.

Congratulations OP, and bloody well done.

My advice - take Option 2. If you're talented in the workplace - which it sounds like you are - take the option that's going to challenge you and ultimately give you the satisfaction you need in that field.

I've had similar choices to you - I've taken the 'hard path' both times and not looked back. I had husband's support and fortunately, like you, the means to pay for the absolute best childcare I wanted and the help in the home. If you don't have support then it's going to be harder and that would have put a different slant on my decision.

Your children - in my experience - will be fine and grounded as long as they know you love them. As they grow - they'll always find something that you're not doing correctly anyway - even when I juggle my diary / calendar / continents to be at the right place at the right time, I still get moaned at / they still want something more / different / less! so get used to feeling guilty, because I think it comes with being a parent, whether you work or not!

Coincidently it was my mother death that had made me suddenly think again about my career.

I think the thing that stands out for me is that you say you are really unhappy in your current job. What are the reasons your are really unhappy? Of you take option 2 will those reasons still be there? Because if they are then your just moving the unhappiness to a new office. If not then go for it!

PS - OP - I'm excited for you!

What does your husband do? Could he take a local role and pick up the slack? Or is he ambitious as well? I think him preferring you to take the local job might be problematic, although my natural inclination would be to say take option 2. It's easier to take the demanding role and downsize if it doesn't suit than the other way around. Having said that local jobs with a short commute are difficult to find, it has taken DH years to find the one he's got. If you've both got demanding jobs with long commutes you need good support, either family or paid for.

I think you need to visualise a couple of weeks in each "lifestyle".

So thinking about the jobs themselves and how much you'd like the work in each job. With job 1 think about the commute, think about what time you'll get home, etc. then with job 2 think about the work, doing the school run, being able to help the kids with homework and listen to them tell you about their day.

IME as kids get older they need you more until they get to about mid teens. They have problems and worries and need someone to talk to. Would you be happy with the nanny doing this?

You need to find a balance that will work for you. The current role is obviously making you unhappy - but will the new one be any better for you? Do you know what hours you will have to/be expected to work?

I would always advocate pursuing your own career, but if it's at the expense of hour own happiness/health, then obviously it's not worth it. How much control would you have over your own working hours? Would you have any flexibility so that you could be at home or leave early to deal with your children if you needed to?

I do agree with VivaLeBeaver - it's certainly been my experience that although I felt the children needed me in primary, the reality, with hindsight, has been that they need me (and only me / husband) more again when they become secondary school aged / teens..

so if your children are aged 4 - 5 now, you have 5 or 6 years at least of reasonably guilt-free time when they'll be delighted with an amazing nanny, and you can work towards a working-from-home / having your own consultancy environment for the 2020s :-)

Decision made, job done!

Do people really look back at their life and say ' I really regret I didnt spend more time at work'?

It's not as simple as that because work pays your salary and if you're lucky it's rewarding and interesting for at least some of the time. Plenty of people regret not taking opportunities and not pushing enough for promotion and pay rises and career development or moving to a more interesting career. Vast numbers of people regret not trying hard enough at school or college so that down the line they had more choices and more financial stability.

I would say option 2, mainly because I think children need you more as they get older and if you get your career and professional development on track that will give you more choices down the line.

Also, I work in a long hours industry and I think long hours for the sake of it is counter productive. I'm lucky enough to be supported in being strict with my hours. If you are feeling brave, you can take option 2 but also demand flexibility and work 9-5 when you need it.

I am at a similar crossroads OP. In my case I am already in a senior position in a job I absolutely love, is very fulfilling, is a positive contribution to society and reasonable money. The commute is a killer and the work environment is awful (very misogynist and racially charged) which I find draining.

The new job offer is almost twice the money and no commute. You would think it would be a no brainer (my husband is desperate for me to take it) but I'm hesitating. Its just not the career I've worked so hard to achieve. It's like I can't imagine myself not in the very well respected role I'm in now. That sounds super up myself but its true.

I don't know what to do but careers are fluid things. New opportunities present themselves all the time for qualified, able people. My children will only be small for a really short amount of time so I'll probably go with the job I don't want to actually do.

Only you know what's right for you- there are no easy choices when it comes to this. Good luck.

If you've always been so career orientated and ambitious then maybe that's what gives you pleasure. Which is, great . We never question male partners satisfaction in career progression and ambition, why are you questioning yours? What does your dh do? Is he very ambitious, is that why he wants you to take the nearer role? Does he fear having to take on more. I really really think you should follow your got,, what makes you happy and satisfied?

NatalieMc82 Sometimes I wish I felt like that, it is terrible to admit this but when I am working I don't miss my children as such, I want to spend time with them but I don't feel the need to do everything for them and that sometimes makes me feel like a bad mum.

PrimalLass It is odd how a women is judged for working this sort of pattern but a man isn't, I am a sometimes a little too sensitive about what other people think about me, especially other mothers and I am worried if I take the local job it would partially to be to tow the line with what society expects of a mother! Which is terrible and not what I would want any other women to do.

bbcessex you juggles sound similar to those I will face (and to some extent face now in my current role). Thanks for the 'excitement', the thought of option 2 gives me a buzz too...if only I could reconcile my home life and my lack of confidence in my ability to do the role!

bluelamp no chance of DH taking a local role unfortunately, he works in banking so needs to be in the city. He isn't ambitious at all though and won't progress from where he is now as he has no desire too, he is a great husband and father...but we are very different!

Whichever one you go for I suspect that, in the fullness of time you'll start wishing you'd gone for the other.

I'd go for the second route. You work to get money and money means security and, ultimately, independence. It's a great chance not only for you but for your family.

my lack of confidence in my ability to do the role

Your prospective employers presumably don't share your doubts (which everyone has about a new job, of course).

I chose option 1, took a paycut and a step down for no commute and part time family friendly hours. I'd prefer to work less actually so I could pick up from school more often.

I have the odd pang of regret when I hear about people less capable than me earning big bucks with fancy job titles, but overall it was the right decision for me and my family.

However, that's just me. I actually think you should give option 2 a go. You may always regret not giving it a shot.

See, for me it's not just about whether my children need me around ( I believe they do) it's about all that I would miss.
I'm not particularly career driven. I enjoy my job, it pays well enough and challenges me in many ways. I can't imagine it ever being more important than seeing my children every day.
This is a very personal decision.
Personally I can't comprehend anyone choosing option 2. Not seeing my family from one weekend to another is alien to me. I don't want it for my DH either. He is currently in the process of choosing a new job. I've made it clear that him being around for the children has priority over salary.
You must choose what works for all of your family.

A friend of mine recently died in her early 30s. My current aim is to be happier on a day to day basis.

Suppose you knew that you only had 10 - 15 years left. (Rather than 6 months as everyone would just bugger off to the Maldives!)

What do you want? The interesting exciting job? The time with your kids? Time for you?

Imagine that this is it. You have time to do stuff but not forever. Do whatever will make you happiest.

FWIW I took Option 2. Or at least I stayed in my current role but went part time. Dh has also moved to flexible hours. We both still have careers but they are no longer top ones I'd say. But we get loads of time with the kids.

I am going to find that ten to fifteen year thought really helpful mumoftwo! Thank you. Op I could not contemplate not seeing my dc from weekend to weekend but would agree that dc need you more as they go up to secondary, I would also advise option two as I think you would regret not trying it at least.

No brainer...option 1. Life's too short.

I'm in somewhat the same position as you. Currently in a job that I've been in the last 12 years and worked my way up. V hierarchical so I've got as far as I can in the short to medium term. 2 kids 7 and 4. It's also 5 min from home. School is also 5 min away. Everything is 5 min away!!

Got headhunted. Was tempted and damn, they offered it to me. Means travel to London (1.15 h train and tube), exciting prospects, and it's a promotion in terms of money and prospects. Similar area of job but slightly different sort of focus.

Am still v conflicted. Am usually v risk averse, but recent events at current work place have made me think 'bugger I don't want to contemplate doing this next September!!' But of course, there's the whole, late in December, stupid train doesn't turn up, freezing arse off waiting on platform scenarios that scare the hell out of me.

Dh says he supports me, but he will have to be the emergency childcare, and I'm not sure he quite is getting it... (He works locally).

I've done both; the big-earning career role, and the less hours, huge pay cut role and it's the non-career one that wins for me.

I didnt have a housekeeper or a nanny though, it was all nursery drop offs and struggling to stay on top of the washing for me, so maybe that's where I went wrong!

I have to say though, the bottom line for me was I realise if work stopped paying me I'd stop going, but nothing could stop me wanting to spend time with my kids, so that's where my true priority was.

Been there. Took option two. Resigned after four months. Family life and my health wasn't worth it. Great job but juggling drove me to a breakdown. Ended up SAHM for nearly 2 years - was incapable of work for most of the first year. Now 2 years back at work in a big, but not huge, role with my personal priorities clear and career doing just fine too.

Things may be very different for you - this is not a judgy post - many women make it work and are happy. I think you should let your instinct guide you.

I don't see how there is anything to think about. I don't understand how anyone, man or woman, could contemplate being away from their child from Sunday to Saturday every week unless they really had NO choice. Unless you actually love money more than your children then don't do it to yourself or your children.

I sympathise with you OP. I've put my whole career in slow motion to spend as much time with my kids as possible. I will have to accept the fact that I will never realise my full potential at work but kids are only young once and you can never regret spending quality time with them.

However, I'm a man so understand that it's more complex for women. One thing is for sure and that is men generally don't have this dilemma so you shouldn't feel like a bad mother for waiting to opt for work. Also, from experience it doesn't matter how much time you spend with them, it'll never be enough!

Whatever you choose just don't beat yourself up for missing out on the other.

With regard to the job I believe it's normal for men to go for jobs they're not 100% on. Very few of us have the luxury of doing a higher level job before actually applying for it so there's only one way to find out.

I stepped off the career ladder when DCs were young and, although I occasionally have pangs that I have missed out on status and money, I have been more than repaid in the time I have spent and what I have gained with my children

My SIL has always worked FT and has done really well in her career but she has missed so much with her children. They are both lovely young people who are doing well but they know and she knows just how much of their childhood has not been shared as it could have been

I know it is trite but I do believe the folk wisdom that no-one, on their deathbed, wishes they had spent more time at work. If I died tomorrow work would replace me and in a short time I'd be forgotten whereas the time spent with my children has built so many memories and made a family who would miss me. That is where I have really mattered