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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore the upstairs neighbour banging on his floor about crying baby

420 replies

MrsHende · 14/03/2015 08:04

Baby hates getting dressed and usually screams her way through the 5-6 minute process. Twice our upstairs neighbours has banged on their floor, presumably because of the noise. Both times were after 7.30 and before 8am, once this morning and once last week, on a week day.

Who IBU?

(My mum thinks I should change the baby in a different room, possibly the best solution for everyone's blood pressure!)

OP posts:
ThatCuckingFat · 16/03/2015 13:30

Agree on the restaurant front, but a restaurant is different to your own home, and reducing noise as much as possible is difficult with a baby. At night we have the tv on quiet, talk in quiet voices etc, but if DS decides to start screaming, I don't have a mute button unfortunately. Luckily our neighbours are normal people and have no problem with it.

If I had a neighbour that banged on a wall/floor about a baby crying I wouldn't think it was ok, I would probably lose my shit. It is rude. I don't know how you're supposed to complain about the noise of a baby crying - go round and say, 'excuse me, your baby cried a lot last night and kept me awake'
And you reply, 'oh sorry, there's nothing I can physically do about it, but I'll bear it in mind and try to make sure he doesn't cry tonight'. It doesn't make sense.
theboat you sound really overly worried about what the neighbours think, and really intolerant of those around you. It's not that I don't have empathy for the neighbours, it's just what am I supposed to do? The noise isn't created on purpose, and I can't keep moving for fear that the neighbours may have had a bad nights sleep. You seem to have had a very bad experience with neighbours where it comes to noise, but most people can tolerate a neighbours baby crying and don't get themselves het up about it. Believe me I have had neighbours with crying babies, before I had my own, so I do know what it's like, but my first thoughts at 3am were 'oh bless the little baby, I hope the parents are ok'. It's not something I would ever think of complaining about.

Kittymum03 · 16/03/2015 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marynary · 16/03/2015 13:47

You are fortunate then, a screaming baby causes me extreme pain. I have lost count of how many sneering looks and comments I have received for covering my ears and leaving the room/cafe/restaurant, intolerance appears to be as common as compassion - I didn't choose to have hyperacousis and there no treatment effective for me!

I do sympathise with those that truly do suffer pain because of noise but I don't think that many people really have that condition and I doubt that OP's neighbour has it either. The people I know that can't stand other people's noise (e.g. someone I work with) are just intolerant and self absorbed people who expect the world to revolve around them.

Andro · 16/03/2015 14:25

Luckily our neighbours are normal people and have no problem with it.

Wow, just wow. There may not be much anyone can do about a baby screaming, but there's no need to say that people with hyperacousis (or any other conditions which could make the noise more than the average level of annoying such as sensory processing disorder) are not normal. There's a really unkind implication to that!

ThatCuckingFat · 16/03/2015 15:20

They're normal people in the sense that they don't kick off about a baby crying, and don't bang on a wall like OPs neighbour. Didn't mention people with conditions, and I doubt very much the OPs neighbour has such a condition. If someone does have hyperacousis it might be worth explaining that to the neighbour rather than thumping on the floor the second a baby starts crying.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 16/03/2015 15:27

theboatisleaking I'm sorry you had such an upsetting experience, but I'm afraid I can't relate to what you're saying. Maybe because when I had noisy neighbours they were genuinely terrible (loud music all night, drug dealing, knife fights in their garden), so normal household noise (including the sound of a crying baby) really doesn't bother me. And as I said in my earlier post, if it did I'd wear ear plugs. Babies cry, it can't be helped, but you can change how you choose to react to it.

RizzoWasTheBestOne · 16/03/2015 15:58

Haven't RTFT but has anyone made any suggestions as to how to successfully silence a crying baby instantly?

That would surely solve all the neighbours' problems on both sides of the wall.

Oh wait...

RizzoWasTheBestOne · 16/03/2015 16:12

we felt furious towards the mother since her decision to raise a baby in such an unsuitable flat

WTF??

So she should have waited until she could move house (which could potentially be not for a very long time depending in circs) and postponed having a family out of consideration for your regular forty winks??

Do you expect the universe to revolve around you in other areas of life too?

Maybe people in your neighbourhood with cars should forbid themselves from driving past your building after 10pm in case you're asleep. It's only reasonable.

theboatisleaking · 16/03/2015 17:08

ThatCucking, I agree bad experience in past made me ultra-cautious about disturbing neighbours when my DC came along. But I would never want to put anyone through what we went through as students. We made decision to live in masionette (and later a terrace) with babies, which required compromise on our part. I often took DC2 downstairs when he cried in night as our neighbours had to get up at 6am to work, and their DD's bedroom backed onto our baby-room. We chatted to them at length about how to minimise noise, they understood we couldn't eliminate it but were grateful we were trying. We also put wardrobes against shared wall to absorb some of sound, and put foam mats down in DC1's room so she didn't bang toys on wood floor. When DS was teething I used to walk around garden with him or take him for drive in car to get him to sleep.

I don't think there's a specific level or type of noise that 'normal people' tolerate, what's acceptable for some is unbearable for others. I can sleep through the noise of our neighbours having house-parties but the sound of a screaming child puts me on edge. When we lived in masonette our downstairs neighbours were a middle-aged childless couple used to peace and quiet, so a baby crying day and night was understandably a big shock to them.

theboatisleaking · 16/03/2015 17:15

Rizzo yes in that situation I believe the mother chose a very unsuitable flat to raise her 3 kids (all of whom were noisy and woke us at night, even the 7-year-old). Tiny flats with paper-thin walls are terrible choices for loud, unruly families.

OfaFrenchMind · 16/03/2015 17:21

I get you, but tbh, as much as I love my niece, when I am woken up by her crying, I have accelerated heartbeat and I have a very stressed reaction. Nothing against her as a baby, but the sound kills me, even after some time and all the affection I have for her.

Maybe your neighbor is like that? In this case, you do not always react rationably, you just want to bang on something and express some frustration, which we do not feel when fully rested.

Marynary · 16/03/2015 17:28

I don't think there's a specific level or type of noise that 'normal people' tolerate, what's acceptable for some is unbearable for others.

Medical conditions aside, I think the noise people can tolerate depends a lot on their attitude though and people can do something about that. If you decide that a bit of noise is just part of life and not something to get worked up about it will be a lot easier to deal with. Once you start to let it irritate you things will only go downhill.

jemimapuddleduck208 · 16/03/2015 17:36

I don't have a desire for "total silence". I do have a desire for a baby not to scream and keep me awake all night every night in the room next to my bedroom. I had the misfortune of living next door to a "screamer" - we're not just talking normal baby cries here.

Like this:

It was an utter nightmare. This kid woke up at least 5 times a night and screamed the place down every time. The parents did nothing.

They were the ones who moved into a flat with a screaming baby. They also must have known prior to moving in that their baby did this, since it started doing it on the first day. It was massively irresponsible of them to move in there. They should have gone elsewhere so as not to inflict that dreadful bloody noise on everyone else.

Why on earth do parents think it's acceptable to inflict this kind of torture on other people? It isn't. Live somewhere else, for god's sake. You might think your kid's ear piercing screams are cute. Most of us don't. The sheer number of videos on youtube where people are describing this as "cute baby tantrum" just beggars belief. It's not cute for the rest of the world.

theboatisleaking · 16/03/2015 17:39

Marynary I agree that changing our attitude to stressors can help us cope with them to some extent, but reaction to noise is not always within conscious control. When you're woken in night (and already exhausted from sleep-deprivation) it's hard to change how you feel about the noise. If the child's parents seem unsympathetic/uncaring, it's even more difficult to react with tolerance and patience.

ThatCuckingFat · 16/03/2015 17:41

How do you know the parents did nothing? Were you in the room with them? For all you know they were doing their best to settle the child and you're jumping to wild assumptions that they were ignoring it.
'Live somewhere else' yes, and bother some other neighbour with it? Or move to the North Pole?

Andrewofgg · 16/03/2015 17:44

They should have gone elsewhere

Live somewhere else

A touch of the Tommy Coopers there. "Just like that".

jemimapuddleduck208 · 16/03/2015 17:49

"Doing their best to settle the child" was not sufficient, or acceptable. Frankly, I really don't care if they were "doing their best". They should have taken the damn thing into another room away from people's bedrooms or not moved into such an unsuitable living situation in the first place. They were selfish. End of.

I do not care why someone's child is screaming five times a night. That's not my problem, that's theirs. Their responsibility is not to inflict it on everyone else. And no, I don't care that the parents are also being woken five times a night; that's the price you pay for choosing to spawn and their own tough. Why they think their reproductive choices give them licence to make everyone else suffer is beyond me.

ThatCuckingFat · 16/03/2015 17:55

Right, but you've decided they did nothing about it? I'm sure they are just selfish to the bone, and had children just to make you suffer, yes.

ILovePud · 16/03/2015 18:05

jemimapuddleduck208 where to start with your post, calling a baby 'the damn thing' and that's the price you pay for 'choosing to spawn', you really are coming across as misanthropic and deeply unpleasant.

LittleBearPad · 16/03/2015 18:13

Do you have children jemima?

Binkybix · 16/03/2015 18:14

That's not my problem, that's theirs

Actually, it sounds like it very much was your problem. Too bad. I generally am very sympathetic with people with regards to noise but you sound really awful in this scenario.

QueenOfTheAlley · 16/03/2015 18:15

Why is there so little compassion for individuals who are adversely affected by noise (more than finding it a mere annoyance)?

Andrewofgg · 16/03/2015 18:17

They should have taken the damn thing into another room away from people's bedrooms or not moved into such an unsuitable living situation in the first place. They were selfish. End of.

Holy fucking shit. A baby is not a thing jemima - it's a human being like you and me.

If you wee trying to be goady you have succeeded at least in my case.

partialderivative · 16/03/2015 18:17

I've only looked at the first page, but I selected these comments:

He's being U not you...
less likely to wake him up
Although he is rude to bang on the door
what does the neighbour think banging on his floor will achieve?
but he has the right to enjoy his property.
I'd go up there and bang on his door
if he's worked a night shift
He is being a dick.
Unless he says something should you be complaining
He is being very PA
He's a twat
When he bangs I'd rush round to 'check he's ok'

Do you notice anything in common with them?

Not once in the first page does the OP mention the gender of the person complaining.

Shame on your assumptions

ILovePud · 16/03/2015 18:18

I don't think there is a lack of compassion for people affected by noise Queen just a lack of compassion for rude, entitled people who bang on their floors, suggest that people who live in flats shouldn't be allowed kids and use dehumanising language about young children.