To be truly scared my boys wont be that close to me when they grow up.

[ssd]

the opening lines of todays blog of the day

"Now that I don't know how she doesn't do it is a mother herself, she truly appreciates the friendship and understanding that can exist between mother and daughter"

I dont have girls, I have boys. I love them with all my heart. I adore them. I dont understand their passion for their sport or the team they love and share with dh. I watch them play every week and still have no idea what its all about. But I do it as it makes them happy to see me and thats all I'm about.

BUT I have seen what my brother was like with my mum. He is a good man but mum came way down his list of priorities. He often didnt visit for years at a time.

It utterly terrifies me to think this may be my future. I took care of mum till she died, I shudder to think of her life if I hadnt lived 20 mins away and seen her every week.

Please god, dont let me be my mum without me.

My MIL is totally ace, and me and DH have loads of contact with her - he speaks to her more now we are together than he did before we met.

My own mother is incredibly difficult, so we have less contact.

From personal experience I have vowed:

Be nice to your children's partners, otherwise you are pushing them to choose between you and them, and you may not like the choice they make

Be nice to the your children's inlaws - my DM has an irrational hatred for MIL, so she gets left out of family events, where she could be included. MIL is always v kind and gracious about DM, and send regards whenever I mention DM. This only highlights DM's shitty attitude, and really doesn't help.

Let your kids visit and call when they want to. A lifetime of guilt tripping your kids results in the worm finally turning, and you get less contact, not more. Don't make them responsible for your happiness - it's too heavy a burden for a child (even once they become an adult).

MIL rings/we ring her twice a week or so, visits once a month (150 miles away) because she is so positive, says how lovely it is to hear from us, never EVER hassles if we are busy and haven't called in a few days, never EVER says in sad-face voice that she would 'love to see us, but supposes we are too busy for her', and generally allows us to be adults. DM has never managed a phone call of under 90 mins, cannot understand that if you have to get off the phone to deal with a child, that is not a personal slight to her, and hassles continuously for visits because she is lonely. Not because she wants to see us.

I am resolved to follow my MIL's example when my kids are grown. She has such a healthy attitude.

My friend has 2 grown up children- one of each. Although she's close to her DD, who has just had a baby, she lives 250 miles away. Her DS lives in the same town- until recently with her- and she's always going on nights out to see him DJ, etc. At the moment they're off travelling in Peru together .

Moral of the story? I don't know for sure, but maybe something like- be interesting, share interests, enjoy your own life, and you'll continue to have lots in common way into your childrens' adulthood .

I have an utterley evil mil. However, it would love to go shopping with her, have her come round but it is her that has prevented this. There is no reason your sons should grow apart from you. No more than a daughter would. My brothers are close to my mum.

I also have two sons

Interesting read...

Ok, I think you get the short end of the stick as a MIL when DIL gives birth (most of the time) because 9 times out of 10 the DIL will want her own Mother. This is normal & natural. I needed my Mum after the birth, i'll need her again if I have another and MIL will be of course be welcome to visit HER grandchild, but not in the same way my Mum will, because my Mum will be around for me, not the child, if you see what I mean? If I ever have a son, I will be sure to remember how I felt as a new Mum, and be sure to take a back seat to DIL's mum in the early days. Normal & natural.

The assumption that the maternal grandmother is always closer to the kids than the paternal grandmother is not always true in what I see in real life. It usually depends which of the grandmother's is retired or only works part time. Also, if one of the grandmother's has lots of grandchidren & the other grandmother only has one or two plays a part.

My MIL is very, very close to my BIL, they go out for meals & to the theatre at least twice a month together. He's 36 and still lives at home. My DH is much more independent and cringes when he hears of MIL and BIL's outings, although that's a bit hypocritical as he goes for lunch with MIL and our DD every now and again (He's taking her next week) I think it's just the fact that it's the two of them and also the fact that MIL molly coddles BIL, my DH thinks his brother should "man up" a bit. BIL is about to move out with his girlfriend so it will be interesting to see how his relationship with his mum changes, although i'm certain they'll still remain close.

I was watching coach trip with my Dad the other day, he started going on at how pathetic it is that men go on the programme with their mother's, saying it was embarrassing etc... Maybe it's a generation thing? My Dad loves his Mum to bits, pops in every couple of weeks to see her & has taken her on holiday with us in the past, but finds the notion of "Mummy's boy" really embarrassing.

If i'm being brutually honest, I much prefer to spend time with my Mum as opposed to my MIL. I'd rather have my own Mum around, and I prefer DD to be with my Mum than MIL, can't help how I feel. That being said, I love MIL, she spends time with DD every week & I do ask for her help now & again regarding childcare as she is retired & happy to help.

I find from my own experiences and a lot of the posts here that DIL's are closer to their MIL's when they dont get on great with their own mums, or their mums have passed away. I dont see loads of posts where the poster has a great relationship with their mums and their MIL's. Its as if the MIL fills the gap when the mum/dd relationship isnt good but doesnt need to fill it when it is good.

I think if I were ever to become a MIL then i'd love to be friends with my DD, I think it's important you establish that friendship before kids come along. I get on with everyone in real life, and wouldn't worry at all about not getting on with any future DIL's, because i'm sure I would.

That being said, my primary concern would be my relationship with my son. If he grew up feeling loved, supported and he also knew i'd be there for him no matter what, then why wouldn't we always be close? Also, I wouldn't be backwards in coming forwards, if I felt hurt or let down then i'd let him know. I would pussy foot around my imaginary future DIL either. Communication is everything and sometimes people don't realise their actions are wrong/hurtful unless you tell them.

I have 2 (very) little boys so far. I don't think I have much in the way of expectations for adult sons or daughters. I guess if we all stay living here I would probably expect a visit every week or two, but then we live on an island where you can't really move more than half an hour away from anything, so everyone pretty much sees their folks about weekly. I'm very comfortable with my own company and have literally gone 2 weeks without talking to anyone not shop staff etc in the past, so I think I'm less socially needy than most.

I disowned my own mother and would rather drop dead than have a mummy daughter day.

My MIL we see most weeks. I like her and SFIL though I feel she has definitely overstepped boundaries in the past which I put a stop to through DP as I figured he'd know how to handle her better and she'd find it less embarrassing as they are much closer.

I think MIL did have certain expectations about my babies based on her relationship with SIL1's babies, but tough tits, TBH. SIL1 was an immature 19year old who lived at home and pretty much let MIL raise
her first 2 kids so she's hardly the norm either.

I'm an exception to that rule, ssd. Get on great with my own mum and with mil.

DH has always been close to both his parents, as has his DB. We go on holiday with the in laws every year as they like spending time with the grandchildren, and we all make an effort to consider each other's needs and feelings. I think that's the key to it all. If I felt they were judging me or critical, then I wouldn't want to spend time with them (and consequently they would see less of their DS and DGC). See them a couple of times a week.

The poster who suggested being nice to all girlfriends was probably spot on.

I find from my own experiences and a lot of the posts here that DIL's are closer to their MIL's when they dont get on great with their own mums, or their mums have passed away. I dont see loads of posts where the poster has a great relationship with their mums and their MIL's

I find the exact opposite. It is those who have great relationships with their own mothers who have one with MIL. They see the importance of family and are open to being friendly with everyone and working at it. It is the narrow minded, insecure ones, who are prone to jealousy, who worry that giving love to someone makes it less to go around.

My future DIL couldn't have a stronger relationship with her own mother-a single parent since birth. Why on earth this should stop her having strong relationships with anyone else beats me! My SIL is very close to my mother-she is very close to her own mother. I could go on and on.

It was me who suggested you be nice to all girlfriends-you don't know who you will get for life. This came from a terrible thread on MN where a woman didn't want to even meet her DS's girlfriend unless they got to the engaged stage-and she had masses of supporters!! That woman will then complain she has a dreadful DIL -which she will- because she didn't want a relationship until forced, and will see her as a necessary evil to have grandchildren!
There are bound to be problems if you want to see grandchildren but would rather not put up with the mother! Some women seem set on having the grandchildren alone and never actually want DS to babysit while they go out with DIL.

The assumption that the maternal grandmother is always closer to the kids than the paternal grandmother is not always true in what I see in real life. It usually depends which of the grandmother's is retired or only works part time. Also, if one of the grandmother's has lots of grandchidren & the other grandmother only has one or two plays a part.

Once they can walk and talk it is up to the child-you can regulate how often they see someone but you can't regulate how they get on.

Actually, my MIL would always ring once a week (before DD was in school) and insist on taking her out for the day. She never wanted to come & spend time with her at our house. I thought this odd, as my Mum was not like that, she liked to see DD & I together.

Exactly Pisces-you are going to lose your DS if you act like that.

Ssd I am close to both my mum and MIL

I think the saying your DDs your DD all your life but your DS is your DS until he gets a wife comes from the days when everyone lived near their place of birth and women were in the home a lot.
It is far more normal for people to move away for work these days. Women have far more options, they can be doctors, lawyers, MPs etc and they simply don't have time . It used to be the men who didn't have time but now there is no real difference. Grandparents are also far more active- they have busy lives too. It will get worse as everyone has to work until at least 67yrs.
Things move on all the time and yet we get left with old stereotypes and, according to this thread, old expectations.

I still find this thread full of astonishingly odd assumptions, particularly those of the women whose first thought when they realised their newborn was a boy was that he was going to 'leave' them! And I'm still thinking with genuine concern about the poster whose name I forget who said she was already distancing herself from her five year old son because he was eventually going to leave too!

People still don't seem to grasp that they are, by their own behaviour and gendered assumptions, creating the very situations they view as the norm - the distant sons and close, emotionally-available daughters.

And geography negates a lot of those assumptions, anyway. I had my son in a different country to both my parents and my ILs, so neither my mother nor my MIL met my son until a month after his birth, and because we continue to live in different countries, so contact is limited to us visiting them or them visiting us, they probably get identical contact with their grandson. He doesn't stay overnight with the ILS purely because they're older and in poor health and by their own admission would be unable to cope with a wild toddler.

I don't have heart to hearts about being a mother with either DM or Mil, because we think very differently on child-rearing.

I see my DD more than my DS ( both in their twenties). I see DS more often when he is single than when he has a gf! My mil has 2 sons, my dp sees her weekly, her other son lives away and she rarely sees him. I think it is more down to the individual person than just gender. Dp is very similar in personality to his DM, as is my DD with me.

I have read the thread through several times and all I can think of are the "mummy boy" threads that pop up all the time on here.

if all you can think of are the mummy boy threads then you're so wide of the mark you can't even see it

I dont want a mummy boy, I'm not high maintenance at all, I want my boys to live and travel and marry when it suits them, and call me the odd time to tell me where they are in the world

I just dont want them to forget me and call every other month and visit once a year, which my db did

thats all

ssd

My response was aimed in a more general way (apologies for any offence given).

But there (IMHO) seems to be a belief (from some) that there is an internal switch that men should be able to throw that switches from mum to wife.

There seems to be a general underlying view that men should be able to just leave their parents and siblings (emotionally and physically) behind for there new family, and that they can't or shouldn't co-exist with both.

(I have a feeling that that is as clear as mud)

I don't think any of us want a 'mummy's boy' and we fully understand a wife comes first. We just expect to gain a DIL and not lose a DS!
A man never comes alone- he has parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, old family friends etc that don't disappear!
The wise see it as a bonus and not an encumbrance.

I have 2 sons and I expect/hope that they meet a woman(or man) who becomes more important to them than I am. It's part of life and part of parenting. However my MIL is a fecking nightmare and my outlook is that she's giving me a step by step guide on what not to do . My eldest DS is 16 and I can't see him ever being miles away and distant. My younger DS is only 6 and still wants to marry me, but I think he'll be off out into the world as he's much more restless already than DS1 ever has been.

I don't know if those that raise a "mummy's boy" know if that is what they are doing.

My "D"B is a true "mummy's boy" she always saw him as perfect. I wonder if all "mummy's boys" are also the golden child?

I don't think there is any point worrying about such things in the future.

Be lovely now, and be lovely then - chances are, you will reap what you sow.

I have a young son (4) and my second child on the way. I am hopefully raising him to be free, adventurous, and loving. I want him to know he owes his father and me absolutely nothing. He is free to travel the world, and live wherever he can - no obligation to stay close to me. I would be delighted to have any involvement in his life, but I will be living a fun life with DH, all being well, travelling, and doing loads of amazing things, health permitting, and he is not obligated to me. If health does not permit, I absolutely will not have DS (and future child) spend any time caring for me. Life is too short, and I want him to live his. Hopefully euthanasia will be legal in this country by then anyway, should I need it!
I hope he travels and sees the world when he is young, fit and able. I hope that if he wants to, he finds someone to love, who loves him and treats him right. I will adore them even if we have nothing in common, just because they make my child happy. I fully expect my son to put his partner first, and any children they may have. I'd love to be involved with any GC, but at their request, as per their needs, and as geography permits.
I'm certainly not spending a single moment worrying about any of it all.

Also, you could be dead!

I think it's down to how much effort you put in as a mother too. My DH has a sister. MIL is close to both of them, though closer to SIL. But DH sees her at least once a week, she makes lots of effort to be involved in our lives and helps us with childcare too. We speak on the phone a few times a week. I haven't always seen eye to eye with her tbh, but our relationship is excellent now. Please don't despair. I have a son too and know how you feel, I just hope we can stay close when he grows up.