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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be truly scared my boys wont be that close to me when they grow up.

235 replies

ssd · 13/03/2015 17:30

the opening lines of todays blog of the day

"Now that I don't know how she doesn't do it is a mother herself, she truly appreciates the friendship and understanding that can exist between mother and daughter"

I dont have girls, I have boys. I love them with all my heart. I adore them. I dont understand their passion for their sport or the team they love and share with dh. I watch them play every week and still have no idea what its all about. But I do it as it makes them happy to see me and thats all I'm about.

BUT I have seen what my brother was like with my mum. He is a good man but mum came way down his list of priorities. He often didnt visit for years at a time.

It utterly terrifies me to think this may be my future. I took care of mum till she died, I shudder to think of her life if I hadnt lived 20 mins away and seen her every week.

Please god, dont let me be my mum without me.

OP posts:
Loyse · 14/03/2015 08:26

I worry too. It must be cultural though as its very different in Irish culture or in Asia.

I wonder how this can be addressed. I assume from watching films that in Italy men LOVE their mums and it's not so far from here.

In the meantime I'm doing my best.

katiekatie · 14/03/2015 08:28

I can see your point but just to say this is not the case in our family. I'm the only girl among 3 brothers & my mum ADORES them & their children/wives. She revels in having 'her boys' by her side, offering them food/money/childcare/advice and they lap it up & SIL too. Me, I'm a disappointment, I'm too quiet, not ambitious enough etc etc, always criticising me so we are not close!! Let them know you love them, never criticise them or their wives, be supportive and you'll be fine!

Mehitabel6 · 14/03/2015 08:34

It seems mad to me that you look at a new born baby and make massive assumption based on gender.
A DS won't be anything like you and won't share your interests.
A DS won't want to have a day out with just the two of you.
A DS will be busy with his own life and not have time for you.
A DS will have children with a woman who only wants her own family around, won't like you and will spend as little time as possible with you.
Meanwhile
A DD will grow up to be your bosom pal and will like what you like.
Your DD will like nothing better than a day out alone with you.
DD will always have time for you, she won't work all hours and she will be local- if not she will want daily phone calls, texts etc
She will marry and have children- and if so, she will want to share all experiences of this with you.
She will have children with a man who is happy to spend hours in your company with an open door policy. He will cast his old family off and become part of your family instead.
You won't see much of the other grandparents because they don't feature much.

A very tall order! I am glad I am not that DD!

littlejohnnydory · 14/03/2015 08:40

It completely depends on the individual and the relationship, not gender. My dh is very close to his mum, rings her all the time. I don't get on with mine and she hasn't treated me very nicely. I'd never ring her if it wasn't for the kids.

Original poster
ssd · 14/03/2015 08:53

its been interesting, all the various responses, except of course for trills "blah blah blah", that's not much use to anyone..

I can see all of us can only relate to our own experiences and my experience was my mum would have been up shit creek without me, in her final years. Maybe my db would have been just as caring if he'd lived nearby, I dont know.

But it does seem to be a deep seated fear in many of us.

OP posts:
CocobearSqueeze · 14/03/2015 08:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Mehitabel6 · 14/03/2015 08:59

It is a deep seated fear that mine might feel duty bound to care for me in old age. Since I am approaching it I have sat them all down,separately, and said that whatever I might say when older they are to remember this conversation and they are not responsible for me. I couldn't bear the thought that their lives are curtailed by having day to day care. If someone has to bath me, take me to the toilet etc it most certainly is not going to be any of my family!

nooyearnooname · 14/03/2015 09:01

Mehitabel could you have a word with my mum please?!

Original poster
ssd · 14/03/2015 09:01

my mum always said that, mehitabel6

old age changes you.

OP posts:
Shodan · 14/03/2015 09:04

I agree with littlejohnnydory- it's nothing to do with the gender.

I am one of six- four boys, two girls. My sister and I are necessarily 'closer' to our mother- but only because we live closer. Our mother's expectation always was that we girls would care for her when she was old (like a pp mentioned). Our brothers' care consists of a visit once every few months from one brother and very little else from the others- and this is all due to the way in which our mother treated us all. She wasn't, I'm afraid, a good mother-despite her loud oft-repeated assertions!

When it comes to my own two boys- I can only go on the elder one as the younger is still at home (he's 7). I honestly thought that I wouldn't hear from ds1 very much once he left for uni-I suppose my expectations were quite low-but in fact he rings several times a week, we chat on FB sometimes, or he sends me funny texts. I've had several drunken 'I really love you' phone calls late at night too Grin. He has a lovely girlfriend who is coming to stay at Easter and it makes me very happy that she makes him so happy.

I actually once had a conversation with him about 'duty visits'- Christmas was the one that came up. I told him that, in the future, if he and his wife/family/girlfriend wanted to go away over Christmas then he absolutely should go and not worry about me 'being all alooooooonnnneee at Christmas'(one of my mother's favourite refrains) He looked at me with complete astonishment and said 'Why on earth would I not want to spend Christmas with you? I can go on holiday any time!' (There may have been a quiet snivel by yours truly later that day, recalling that Grin)

Really- don't worry. If you have a god relationship with them while they're growing up, you'll have a good relationship with them when they're adults.

Shodan · 14/03/2015 09:05

A good relationship, that should read. Obviously I don't believe that I am a god of any kind. Grin

Mehitabel6 · 14/03/2015 09:12

I know old age changes you. That is precisely why I sat them down, on their own, and made sure that they knew I was deadly serious and that I was in my true mind. I explained that you didn't know what I would be like in the future but they were to ignore it and think back to the present time and my express wishes.

Mehitabel6 · 14/03/2015 09:14

A teenage boy probably won't want to be seen out with his mother but I found it deeply embarrassing at that age too. They get through it. If you have a good relationship it is unlikely to change as adults.

Sparklingbrook · 14/03/2015 09:19

Ds1 is 15 and he is going on a residential trip in 2 weeks. He needed clothes,so we went shopping last Saturday.
The stipulation from him was that we had to get into town for 9am, and I know that was to ensure we wouldn't see any of his mates, as he doesn't want to be seen shopping with his Mum. But I get that.

Ds2 is 13 and doesn't care yet. Grin

BeeInYourBonnet · 14/03/2015 09:24

I agree with those pp who have said its not about boys or girls, but about one sibling being more dutiful/having a closer relationship.

I have a DSis and i can see myself having a more caring role with my DPs.
My DH rarely sees his dad, but I think that's mostly because his DSis takes on a lot of responsibility there. I think if she didn't, DH would probably step up to the plate (as would my DSis if I was less involved).

But I agree with OP, your DPs can say a million times that they don't want help when they are older, but when reality/illness sets in, its a whooooooole different ball game!

Mehitabel6 · 14/03/2015 09:34

I think , having read this, I will write a letter setting out my stipulations about old age and them not being responsible.

Mehitabel6 · 14/03/2015 09:36

I have friends caring for impossible mothers- those mothers would be horrified if they were in their right minds.

BingBong36 · 14/03/2015 09:51

Enjoying my coffee, my MIL see my kids just as much as my own mother, they regularly go for sleepovers, days out. We make sure we all get together a minimum on e a week.

I hope your DD doesnt bugged off to Australia like many of my friends did!!!

BathshebaDarkstone · 14/03/2015 10:08

I have 2 of each, DS1 is NC for his own reasons, I'm in contact with DD1 via Facebook as she lives in Scotland and I live in London. The other 2 are still children, we'll see what happens. I'm an only child on my mum's side and am NC with my mum, I'm not particularly close to my dad as my mum and my granny pushed him out when I was little, I think my brother and sister are closer to him.

Mehitabel6 · 14/03/2015 10:14

Grandads don't seem to crack a mention. I was very close to mine when little. FIL was the one my children saw several times a week until his death.

Sallystyle · 14/03/2015 10:17

I find very close relationships between adult children and their parents a bit freaky. I hope my boys will stay in touch and turn up for dinner on special occasions. I hope they'll know we're always here when needed and that I'm allowed to be a reasonably involved grandparent should GC happen, but adults (male or female) who need to be in constant contact with their parents seem somehow "unfinished" to me.

That's a stupid thing to say. I must be freaky and unfinished then! I speak to my mum once a day at least and text her often. She is my mum and my best friend. Our relationship is amazing and I find it quite sad that you could think that there is something freaky about that. I am independent, I do not rely on her but I love her company, I love talking to her and she is the best person I know.

beadybaby · 14/03/2015 10:36

I agree U2. Holepunch I find that a deeply weird attitude.

Don't you like your parents? I don't need mine for anything but I enjoy their company. They're two of the people I know most intimately in the world so it would be strange to truncate the relationship in the way you describe.

Mehitabel6 · 14/03/2015 10:41

I must be 'unfinished' - I think most of my extended family must be too. Thankfully.

SurlyCue · 14/03/2015 11:02

Oh how i wish i had the type of relationship where i could call my mum and chat. About anything! I miss her so much, and she isnt gone anywhere. She lives 10 miles away and i see her every few weeks but it has always been a very strained relationship. I think i have always missed her. I dont see anything wrong at all with adult children being in daily contact with their parents. It is fine to actually like your parents and enjoy their company. No different than being close to a best friend or partner. I think those of you tht have that are very lucky and im glad you have it. I would feel very lucky to have that with my DCs when they are grown.

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/03/2015 11:04

My brother is just as close to our mum as I am, as her daughter.

He shares similar interests to her so it makes not a jot of difference that he is male.

I know it's not always the case that son's will be close to their mums but it's not always the case that they won't be. Nor that having a daughter guarantees closeness.

I can understand why you worry, but I think it's really more about your relationships as individual people, as your children get older and become adults.