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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding clashes with mothers day

202 replies

crabappling · 12/03/2015 12:46

I've booked wedding with new partner. Its this sunday. He has just told me his ex says she wants to see dcs as its mothers day. I had no idea that it clashes with mothers day until last month when she brought it up. Its still not resolved. Ex normally sees her dcs on mothers day. She has asked us to rearrange wedding. I think oh's ex is being unreasonable and we have offered her another day to have dcs as we want them to be at wedding.

I don't know who is being unreasonable.

OP posts:
ethelb · 12/03/2015 20:47

Jeez sunny. Get out of the wrong side of bed this morning? Chill out.

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/03/2015 21:52

several of us including myself have asked when did you book your wedding, you said its short notice, but wont say when you booked it

still think its weird your mum wont be there

and yes if the ex always has children on mothers day, and so she should, just as your dp should have them on fathers day, then you should allow her

Original poster
crabappling · 12/03/2015 22:13

I booked before Xmas. Didn't tell ex until Jan.

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 12/03/2015 22:58

I am not loving the amount of bile directed against the ex (not from the OP, who is being very reasonable, but from other posters) for being the non resident parent. She's not automatically Satan for not being the one with custody, you know.

fedupbutfine · 12/03/2015 23:08

It is so not unreasonable for a mother to want to spend Mother's Day with her child. You really should have checked before hand, particularly as it is usual for her to spend time with her children on that day. You say yourself that it would be normal for her to have them for the day so hiding behind the 'but it's our weekend' is total bollox and you know it.

I am not sure you can make this one right. I suspect you knew full well what you were doing and couldn't give a toss.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 12/03/2015 23:54

Mother's Day is either March or April, I think it's a huge oversight in not checking when Mother's Day is, as it's important to the mother.

I don't want cards ect for Mother's Day, but I love spending it with my DC. However DC come first so what there wishes are I would respect that.

There is nothing you can do about it now as a wedding is hopefully a once in a life time thing, where as Mother's Day is annual.

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/03/2015 23:58

Where is the wedding compared to where ex lives. Could she /a friend collect them after ceronmomy - or if a late afternoon wedding have them sat night and get a friend to Collect them for wedding

nocoolnamesleft · 13/03/2015 01:40

Oh bugger. It's this Sunday?! That'll be me in the doghouse...

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 13/03/2015 02:11

Archery I agree. There wouldn't be this much bile if the sexes were reversed. Hmm

Personally I couldn't care less for Mother's Day. But we don't get to see our mums very often so always buy a card and gift as it means something to them.

Op you'll probably get more grief in the years to come as your anniversary will occasionally fall on Mother's Day.

Oswin · 13/03/2015 02:35

Hold on the op said yesterday a 13:36 that the ex does have residence.
Fucking hell she abandoned her children apparently. I wonder how many of the people who have said that would use the word abandoned to describe a man splitting with his wife? Not many eh?
Fucking ridiculous and twatty

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 13/03/2015 02:50

Oswin that reminds me. years ago I knew a young girl who had her baby at 18. Her and her ex came to an arrangement where he had her Monday to Thursday and she Thursday to Monday morning. My friend wasn't particularly stable in herself but rather than upset her dd with her issues she stuck to it for 3 years (until school and a house move forced a change). The little girl was healthy and happy and it was a routine that suited everyone. The way my friend was treated and spoken about by different people was harsh. She was treated like she abandoned her.

I have a family member (male) that sees his ds every second weekend and for half of school holidays. He has no qualms about chopping and changing to suit his social life. He is seen as Super daddy.

StrawberryTallCake · 13/03/2015 03:22

I think the ex does have residence, am I right crab? Just wondering why you haven't put a stop to everyone saying she abandoned her children.

I do think op is bu and think the most horrible part of this thread is the women hating women. If it were my children I would be very upset not because of the day itself and my expectations but because I think it shows a lack of respect for the 10+ years I'd been a mother and partner for.

What does your soon to be DH think of all this considering it's more his business than yours?

Original poster
crabappling · 13/03/2015 05:03

We have res? Did I say otherwise? Confused If so a mistake.

OP posts:
Original poster
crabappling · 13/03/2015 05:05

Future dh can't stand her. She hasn't been very nice to him and has lied about matters in court which were thrown out.

He tries to do the right thing. This was a genuine faux pas.

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 13/03/2015 06:09

Hang on, so she fucked off and left your DP and her kids. The kids live with you and your DP, it's not her access weekend, she's known about it for a few weeks at least? And NOW she decides she wants them on Mother's Day? Christ she's got a cheek! Tell her to do one, keep the kids with you, enjoy your wedding. If Mother's Day is so important to her (and her leaving her kids I doubt it) then she can celebrate it next week!

This is the most sensible advice on this thread. She's got the shits because her ex is getting married. If it weren't mothers day then it would some other desperate reason to put on a performance and try and get it cancelled. She needs to get over it.

Mrsstarlord · 13/03/2015 06:42

I suspect you knew full well what you were doing and couldn't give a toss.

Why? What gives you that impression?

CutieBob · 13/03/2015 06:47

If I was the Ex, not seeing my DC on Mothering Sunday would be upsetting. It's a day of celebration in our family.

I'm really surprised that you didn't check as pretty much every calendar and diary would have it noted.

If the Ex raised this last month, why the panic now? Could this not have been resolved sooner?

Also, I'm not sure I'd class booking the wedding in December as 'last minute'.

Flowergirlmum · 13/03/2015 06:49

Vienna- that is hideous!!
Personally I think that once grandchildren come along, grandparents need to back off a bit on Mother's Day and allow the next generation their turn! My mum and mil get a card these days (if they're lucky!!Wink). The celebration (ie cold tea and toast) in our house is about me as a mum (the one whose working hard at it right now!!).

Bunbaker · 13/03/2015 07:16

"as pretty much every calendar and diary would have it noted"

No they don't. I don't have a diary. I just use my phone, and my wall calendar, and neither of them say that Sunday is Mothering Sunday. I found out from reading all the ridiculous threads about it on here. I can't believe what a big deal so many of you make about Mothering Sunday (not "mother's day" - grrr)

The OP has said several times it was an oversight, and I think the nastiness directed towards her is completely unjustified.

crabappling I hope you have a lovely day on Sunday.

Original poster
crabappling · 13/03/2015 07:23

Thanks bunbaker and other well wishers!

OP posts:
CutieBob · 13/03/2015 07:41

But Bunbaker it is called Mothering Sunday. It's just commonly known as Mother's Day. Neither is wrong Confused.

OP, I too hope you have a lovely day but you came on AIBU canvassing for opinions. Like it or not, that's what you got.

Best wishes for Sunday, I hope it all works out with the DC.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 13/03/2015 07:47

Cutie even if I saw it on the calendar I wouldn't plan my wedding around it as absolutely no one I know would prioritise Mother's Day over a wedding! If they did celebrate, they'd just do it the day before/after/following weekend/following year instead.

londonrach · 13/03/2015 07:49

Can ex do usa mothers day this year as the wedding is planned. Just as a one off?

Trickydecision · 13/03/2015 08:52

Considering so-callled Mothers Day, is the fourth Sunday in Lent, and Easter is a moveable feast, it is not at all surprising that you did not realise when it fell this year. Do all those saying you should have known, have any idea when it occurs next year?

It is certainly not an invention of Tesco and Hallmark, though they have taken full advantage if it. Originally it was a day on which people returned to their 'Mother Church', But later it became the day when domestic servants, who usually 'lived in', were given the day off so that they could return home and visit their mothers. Its proper name is Mothering Sunday.

Here one son lives away, so I will not be seeing him, the other, who lives locally, will be visiting his GF's mother on Sunday, his children will be with their mum, who will take them to visit her mum, so I will be a sad lonely old mother on Sunday. Actually not, because said son is cooking for the lot of us on Saturday. What difference does a day make? Your DP's Ex is being very unreasonable.

muminhants · 13/03/2015 08:57

I really don't think that Mother's Day is more important than a wedding. Mother's Day happens every year and it is an invention of the card companies as it used to be a half day when servants went home to see their mothers and take a cake when they were in service. Not this huge make-believe festival.

A mum can spend time with her kids on another day eg the Saturday before. For goodness sake. The ex needs a sense of perspective. What is actually happening, given that it's the day after tomorrow?