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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers Day

367 replies

ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 09/03/2015 16:07

Its my first Mothers Day with my dd (after serious fertility issues, she was a long time coming) and I would like our lunch out to be just me my husband and our dd (we would visit pil and my mum later that day) My mil wants us all to go out together which would include
my pil and my mum. My husband thinks we should but I dont want to. AIBU?

OP posts:
pictish · 09/03/2015 19:47

I would suggest its ops Mil who is setting herself up for years of misery by imposing on family celebrations her own wants and will, without, being respectful of her DIL and her own wants as a mother.

Ha ha...that's hilarious!
It's no longer Mother's Day folks...it's officially Wives Day. If you have the audacity to expect to see your grown up son on Wives Day you are now imposing on your dil's 'family celebration'.
Hehehe!

Ooooonly on Mumsnet! Confused Grin

AlPacinosHooHaa · 09/03/2015 19:47

Ops mil should also be nice to op the mother of her GC.

In a few years it may not be so imp to op to be with her DD but this year its important and I am not getting why its ok to ride over these feelings and force her to mils.

op be clear cut and non negitiable.

say no, sorry this year we are going to be alone and will see you later but thanks for the invite - end og.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 09/03/2015 19:48

Yes Pictish only on MN could this simple request be so twisted into wives day, demanding wife day and poor left out ( till three hours later Mil) day.

This op has waited a long long time for her precious baby its her first mothers day can you really not understand why she wants to be alone with her little new family? really?

slithytove · 09/03/2015 19:49

Not quite true that Pictish... Surely you mean If you have the audacity to expect to see your grown up son and his wife and their dd at a time and place you dictate on Wives Day you are now imposing on your dil's 'family celebration

WhyNotSmile · 09/03/2015 19:50

I'm in a similar position this year - first year with long-awaited DS. My mum made it clear that she doesn't expect me to organise my day around her - she said "You're a mum now, you need to enjoy MD, not spend it racing round trying to please everyone". We've arranged that we'll do something with her and my sister and our children (all under 2) on another day.

MIL, though, expects a visit. She's organised an outing with her children and grandchildren, which I've said "no" to... it would take up the whole day, and I would like to spend time with DH and DS. I'm already spending Saturday with DH's family (for a birthday), and we see them twice a week anyway (I see my mum about once a week, my dad every few weeks, and my sister every few months; DH sees them about every few months).

We've agreed that we'll do our own thing on Sunday afternoon, and call into PILs on the way home. Not sure MIL is thrilled, but when she made her plans, she didn't factor in that her DILs and SILs would want to see their mums on the day too, so I'm not too bothered.

I think what you've said you'll do sounds reasonable.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 09/03/2015 19:50

slithytove Mon 09-Mar-15 19:41:07

I agree and feel its impertive op stands her ground on this.

Original poster
ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 09/03/2015 19:50

I am nice to my mil, she gets to see us all every week as does my own family. We dont fight or fall out and both families are generally laid back. I repeat this is not a mil bashing thread I am not the evil dil some mumsnetters would revel in.

OP posts:
slithytove · 09/03/2015 19:50

If Mother's Day went as I wanted I'd still be asleep by lunchtime. DH abd the kids could do as they pleased as long as I wasn't woken up.

Why is lunch significant here?

pictish · 09/03/2015 19:56

No I can't. I'm sorry but no - we are alone with our own little families every other day of the year. We have the say on Christmas, birthdays, holidays and every other bloody occasion throughout the calendar. And you think our husband's ought to make Mother's Day about us, to the detriment of their actual mothers, as well?
Come on!

SaucyJack · 09/03/2015 19:56

But you are intruding on your
DIL's own Mothers Day celebration if you're insisting that she comes along with your son/her DH and spends her MD doing what you want. It's not difficult to understand.

I don't want to spend MD at my PIL's house instead of out with my own kids- or even my own mum. So sue me. DP can do what he likes.

HairyHandedFucker · 09/03/2015 20:00

I personally could not care less about Mother's Day - hopefully my child and DH make me feel appreciated every day - I don't need to be dictated to as to when I should be thanked (or not - I don't expect thanks). We are doing nothing this weekend, well, nothing out of the ordinary - I didn't even realise MD had come around already til this thread.

But, for OP, she wants this first mother's day to celebrate her finally being a mother. Fair enough. This is a new little unit, I say celebrate as such, if that's what OP wants. What MIL wants can't trump what OP wants. They are still getting a visit that day. I don't see the big deal.
But then I don't see the big deal about going out to a crammed restaurant with overworked, rushed staff either.

And if my DS has a child with someone, I certainly don't expect my needs/wants to trump theirs.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 09/03/2015 20:00

This is her first mothers day with a longed for child, if you cant understand that....and think mils wants and needs for lunch trump that? well....

as far as I am aware op has not got contracts drawn up holding dh to stay with her for the next ten years on mothers day for lunch...its her first.

slithytove · 09/03/2015 20:01

No, I think that with 3+ meals across a day, that they can be shared out and the whole day doesn't have to be a big extended family thing centered around mil.

Are you seriously saying there is a detriment to sharing a family dinner instead of a lunch?

UngratefulMoo · 09/03/2015 20:01

OP, sorry if I was a little blunt. Of course, I can completely appreciate why this day would feel special to you and you want to mark it. I suppose the point I was clumsily trying to make was that actually, it's not the day that's special. It's your family, and your baby and any day can be wonderfully special. For me, I would try and welcome the inclusive generosity of the wider family who clearly all want to celebrate your joy together, and know that you and your husband and baby can celebrate together any time! I obviously don't know you or the specific people involved, but that's just my take. However you choose to spend it, I hope you have a wonderful day, and congratulations!

Original poster
ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 09/03/2015 20:02

Thank you alpacinoshoohaa (enjoying your name)
Whynotsmile- my mother is the same- she doesnt want or expect us to organise the day around her either, she has the same views as your mother. Its interesting that its usually the mil that the issue is with.
Slithy- dh asked what I would like to do and as we havent been out for lunch for ages I said I would like to go for lunch and a walk if weather is nice and then visit pil and my mum.

OP posts:
AlPacinosHooHaa · 09/03/2015 20:02

also mil has her whole family there every week anyway so hardly like she never sees them,

Xenadog · 09/03/2015 20:02

OP, it's your first Mother's Day. You are entitled to spend it with your immediate family exactly as you wish. I say have it your way. When you try to compromise on something which means so much to you you will only end up resenting everyone and having a terrible time.

If MiL doesn't like it then tough. This is a particularly special day for you and if she (and others) don't see that then they need to develop some empathy.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 09/03/2015 20:03

op just remember your actually entitled to do what you want full stop.

slithytove · 09/03/2015 20:06

Agree with Al, xena, etc.

move away then this won't happen, guaranteed Xmas, birthdays etc will be a battle too

has DH had a Father's Day yet? Will he want to spend some time celebrating being a dad with his dd, or will it all be about his dad?

slithytove · 09/03/2015 20:08

We have a day which is very important to DH and I, to the extent we don't speak to anyone else that day. DH takes it as holiday and we do something special.

Mum would love to be involved but it's not something we can do. Sometimes you just have to put yourself first.

And in your case it's only a timing issue!

Fairenuff · 09/03/2015 20:08

And you think our husband's ought to make Mother's Day about us, to the detriment of their actual mothers, as well?

No, pictish, OP has been quite clear that her dh will be visiting his mum. Not sure if you missed that?

slithytove · 09/03/2015 20:09

I wonder if mil knew you and DH were having lunch before she planned her lunch. But I'm cynical.

WineIsMyMainVice · 09/03/2015 20:11

YANBU.
at least your DH recognises Mother's Day!!

pictish · 09/03/2015 20:16

I have left the OP out of the equation in this thread all along. Of course dinner rather than lunch is fine. It really doesn't matter.

What I'm railing against is the annual rearing up of the sod-your-mum-dh-it's-all-about-ME crew. Every year. Every single year. Me me me.

Original poster
ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 09/03/2015 20:21

Thank you slithy, Al and Xena (and many others!) you get where im coming from, I didnt mention it in my op as it I didnt feel it relevant to the actual issue when I wrote it but as the thread has gone on I will mention it. We almost lost our dd a few hours after my emergency section and she spent time in NICU I had alot of emotional difficulties coming to terms with not being able to be there with her during her first weeks of life. I dont care if mothers day is a money making scam to some- to me its a longed for symbol of what I have wanted all my life and if I want to have a lunch in an overcrowed resturant with inflated prices and rushed staff then so be it! My Dh and I have spoken and we are going ahead with our plans to have lunch the 3 of us, a walk in my fav childhood place, followed by visits to pil and my mother. I know my mum is ok with this and I believe my mil will also be ok with this (she may want it differently but im sure she can understand) if she doesnt then thats a shame but I would hope giving our good history that it wont be held against me.

OP posts: