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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers Day

367 replies

ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 09/03/2015 16:07

Its my first Mothers Day with my dd (after serious fertility issues, she was a long time coming) and I would like our lunch out to be just me my husband and our dd (we would visit pil and my mum later that day) My mil wants us all to go out together which would include
my pil and my mum. My husband thinks we should but I dont want to. AIBU?

OP posts:
Thymeout · 09/03/2015 19:13

It's Mother's Day. Not entirely unreasonable that MIL would like to spend it with her son. Nice of her to include all three mothers. I'd guess OP, or, rather dd, will still be the star of the show.

It's celebrating 3 generations, Slithytove.

Fairenuff · 09/03/2015 19:17

I'm not following the logic here.

It's not like her DH isn't going to see his mum at all. He will be visiting his Mother on Mother's Day. The only thing up for debate is the timing. Surely it's ok for OP to have lunch with her husband and dd?

slithytove · 09/03/2015 19:20

So what? It's not generation day or grandmothers day, why isn't mil inviting her own mother? 4 generations then.

I understand her wanting her son there but I don't see that anyone should dictate what op and her dd and dm do.

Otherwise it really does become all about mil. Op might have brothers or sisters who want to see their mum too.

I really don't see why the whole day has to be a big group thing as well. 3 meals, more if you count brunch and afternoon tea, plenty of opportunity to do the small family thing and the big family thing.

Sarine1 · 09/03/2015 19:20

Such a shame that people can make days like this about division in families, not togetherness.
Everyone can make an argument for why their particular part of an extended family is more precious, more special, more important and if that's what really matters to you then carry on. Working out relationships in families s difficult and about love, cherishing others and compromise (with a good dollop of assertiveness).
I hope that everyone on your family cherishes your lovely new baby OP and that family life does not become about hurt and division.

Fairenuff · 09/03/2015 19:23

Why isn't MIL getting together with her mother OP?

slithytove · 09/03/2015 19:26

But do the younger generation never get a say?

Last Christmas we did our own thing, and it was bliss. Same for this Christmas. Put a few noses out of joint and we declined at least 2 other "special family occasions".

But why can't we? Does togetherness have to mean everyone?

Op, is mil paying for the big lunch she is hosting?

slithytove · 09/03/2015 19:28

Hurt and division over one lunch? Over seeing mil at 3pm instead of noon? This thread is bonkers.

scoobydooagain · 09/03/2015 19:32

I am absolutely amazed anyone of my generation gives 2 hoots about Mother's day. When my mother was alive I gave a present but don't expect anything from my ds and actually a bit put out his dad is returning him 5 hours early on mother's day as frankly 5 hours later would be more of a present, but then maybe that's just me!

funkyfoam · 09/03/2015 19:32

All the years of my married life( 26 )I've hosted and looked after the two mums on Mother's Day. My choice, I'm happy that we have a great family get together with several generations. I will not dictate to my children what they do but would hope not to be dropped for a tiny baby who has meals with his mother every day of the week.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 09/03/2015 19:33

t's Mother's Day. Not entirely unreasonable that MIL would like to spend it with her son.

Of course not however how many has she previously spent with son?

And does she appreciate son is now a father and has a wife, who has her own wants and needs and also a child?

Can Mil graciously swallow her own wants for the sake of her sons first mothers day with his wife and child?

Can she accept they will see her later?

AlPacinosHooHaa · 09/03/2015 19:36

So what? It's not generation day or grandmothers day, why isn't mil inviting her own mother? 4 generations then Grin this made me really laugh!!

I can imagine when - if I am graced with grandchildren I would adore to spend mothers day with my own beautiful DD's and my grandchildren what a privilege.

I would certainly be a little hurt if they said - look mum, we don't want a lunch can we see you later?

I would have a little pang but I would let it go and see them later because I would understand how they feel.

UngratefulMoo · 09/03/2015 19:37

Meh, I think YAB a bit U, tbh. Just have the nice big family lunch and arrange something with your DH another time. For what it's worth, I spent my first ever Mother's Day taking MIL out to lunch while DH was at the football. Because it actually didn't matter.

slithytove · 09/03/2015 19:38

scooby I have 2 under 2, my best present next Sunday would be an uninterrupted nights sleep and lie in. And no dirty nappies. One can dream! Grin

AlPacinosHooHaa · 09/03/2015 19:40

Yanbu, but otoh it's not worth the conflict imo, I'd arrange something nice for just you on the Saturday, just because these things cause so much conflict and bad feeling.

Oh no, awful advice if I may say so!

This is a huge change for all the family and I am afraid Mil has to accept there is now another Matriach in the family ( shock horror) who will sometimes want to do things her way.

Op stand your ground.

You're just setting yourself up for years of conflict and misery if you insist on excluding your husband's mother and your child's grandmother in this way

I would suggest its ops Mil who is setting herself up for years of misery by imposing on family celebrations her own wants and will, without, being respectful of her DIL and her own wants as a mother.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 09/03/2015 19:41

ungrateful it didnt matter to you but its clear why this matters to op.

slithytove · 09/03/2015 19:41

al I totally get why mil might want gd there, just don't think she has an automatic right to it as she does her own kids.

To me it all smacks of fanning around the matriarch - great when there is only one, but now there are 3 across2 families and there has to be some give and take. Like a lunch and a dinner.

For the sake of peace I would do the lunch for mil, but do a lovely breakfast with DH and dd. Though I'd really be expecting DH to plan something nice!

Amummyatlast · 09/03/2015 19:41

Scooby, that ignores the fact that the OP had fertility issues. After years of trying and treatment, now that I have my dd I want all the Mother's Day tat available.

I don't get why the wishes of MIL would trump the OP. MIL stills gets to see her son, just at a later time of day. I can see why it's really important to OP - she finally got to be a mum and finally gets to celebrate it on Mother's Day.

Original poster
ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 09/03/2015 19:42

Slithytove- i agree its gone a bit Hmm payment for the meal wasnt mentioned.
Fairenuff im not sure why mil is not seeing her own mother. Shes quiet elderly and most of time prefers to stay at home, maybe this is why.
Funkyfoam, So what if I have lunch with my dd everyday? Mil had lunch with her ds everyday too.

OP posts:
slithytove · 09/03/2015 19:42

I didn't grow up here, is lunch the big thing to do on Mother's Day? Some significance I'm missing?

We always did breakfast as kids, then when older afternoon tea or champagne brunch

scoobydooagain · 09/03/2015 19:44

slithy now that would be a present! Had to smile when my ex packaged it as though he was doing me a favour and not because he had tickets for the football

woollytights · 09/03/2015 19:44

Nobody is being unreasonable, I just can't understand why you can't just all arrange convenient times throughout the day to visit each other, without it being a battle of who is the most worthy and important.

I think the concept of open communication is often lost these days.

slithytove · 09/03/2015 19:44

What are you going to do op?

UngratefulMoo · 09/03/2015 19:45

Be nice to your MIL, OP. You never know when you might need her.

Original poster
ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 09/03/2015 19:46

I cant keep up with all the comments now Blush

OP posts:
slithytove · 09/03/2015 19:46

It's hardly not nice to decline a lunch invite, to do a slightly later get together

Imagine the horror if DH was working Hmm

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