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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers Day

367 replies

ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 09/03/2015 16:07

Its my first Mothers Day with my dd (after serious fertility issues, she was a long time coming) and I would like our lunch out to be just me my husband and our dd (we would visit pil and my mum later that day) My mil wants us all to go out together which would include
my pil and my mum. My husband thinks we should but I dont want to. AIBU?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 09/03/2015 17:48

pictish that doesn't make sense. Most mothers are wives too.

Littlef00t · 09/03/2015 17:51

It's not like you don't want mil to be there at all. Compromise is fine, and lunch as little family and dinner as extended seems fine to me.

Bunbaker · 09/03/2015 18:08

"It's just a Hallmark date in the calendar"

Actually it isn't. Mothering Sunday is the fourth Sunday of Lent. Although it's often called Mothers' Day it has no connection with the American festival of that name. Traditionally, it was a day when children, mainly daughters, who had gone to work as domestic servants were given a day off to visit their mother and family.

Centuries ago it was considered important for people to return to their home or 'mother' church once a year. So each year in the middle of Lent, everyone would visit their 'mother' church - the main church or cathedral of the area.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 09/03/2015 18:11

FWIW my idea of Hell on Earth would be going out for Mother's Day Dinner/Lunch.

I'd have dinner at someones house (yours/MIL/DMum) and if need be, buy food in, M&S / Waitrose order

pictish · 09/03/2015 18:15

Mine too. Everywhere is rammed to the rafters.

Bunbaker · 09/03/2015 18:16

"FWIW my idea of Hell on Earth would be going out for Mother's Day Dinner/Lunch."

And mine. We always stay in.

WorraLiberty · 09/03/2015 18:21

Mother's Day is only Wives Day on Mumsnet. The rest of the country makes Mother's Day about their mums as was intended

Exactly

It makes you wonder what Valentine's day was for.

pictish · 09/03/2015 18:23

There isn't a single other occasion throughout the year that creates so much determined me me meing on MN than Mother's Day. Not even Valentine's Day produces such an influx hard-done-by complaining.
I think it's the element of competition that does it. It seems the husbands onus traditionally being on his mother for once, rather than his wife, makes some women's heads spin 360 degrees in outrage and they can't cope with it at all.

SaucyJack · 09/03/2015 18:25

There's a lot of me me meing about Mothers Day from MUMSnet posters?

No shit Sherlock Wink

Original poster
ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 09/03/2015 18:28

Pictish- I AM a mother. So your post doesnt make alot of sense. Or does it not count because my dd is a baby and 'too young to buy me lunch'Hmm

OP posts:
Ragwort · 09/03/2015 18:30

^^ 'Mother's Day lunches' in restaurants are ghastly, over rated affairs with second rate food and poor service because everybody and his mother is going out for lunch and receiving a cheap box of chocolates as a special 'gift' Hmm.

Seriously, get some nice food in and stay at home. Grin.

I've worked in hospitality for years and would never go out for a Christmas/Mother's Day or any other 'themed' meal.

pictish · 09/03/2015 18:30

I'm a mother too, and as I say, the kids' handmade efforts, wilting daffs and sloppy kisses are enough for me.
My dh is free to make a fuss of his own mother.

Ragwort · 09/03/2015 18:32

I am more than happy to host a special meal at home for my own mother (and father) - both in their 80s - sadly MIL no longer with us. Hopefully my teenage DS might go to card factory and buy me a card but I don't expect my DH to make a 'fuss' over my role of being a mother. Hmm.

Original poster
ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 09/03/2015 18:32

So should my mil spend the day with her mother who is very much alive instead of her ds and my fil spend it in the care home with his own mother instead?
Pictish my head is not doing a 360 far from it, as I have said we get on and have never fallen out and I dont intend on starting now. Im sure some of you would love this to end up as evil dil against mil, but im afraid it isnt.

OP posts:
pictish · 09/03/2015 18:44

OP I wasn't especially referring to you...sorry if it seemed like I was.
It's just that it's the same every year on here...women complaining about their husbands wanting to concentrate on their actual mother on MD and not their wife.
I've heard all the arguments for and against many times, and I still don't go with I'm-a-mother-too as a valid proposal.

Yes they are mothers, and until their children are grown up themselves, they get handmade cards, burnt toast and coffee slopped over the duvet. It's not their husband's job to put them above his mum on Mother's Day just because she's a mother too.

Thymeout · 09/03/2015 18:45

Yes - OP. That's the general idea. Obviously, individual circumstances may not allow this. But it's the oldest mother who should take priority. Daughters/sons putting their mothers first. Not the other way round.

You can have a private celebration with your dh and dd. I imagine you count your blessings every day. Congratulations! But on Mother's Day, you look beyond your 'own little family' because you don't stop being grateful to your mother just because you've had a child.

Homemadeapplepie · 09/03/2015 18:47

Congratulations on your new arrival OP! Not to be morbid, but one day you and DH will no longer have a mother to cherish and spoil on Mothers Day. Take your MIL up on her offer and enjoy the day as an extended family while you have the chance.

Rosieliveson · 09/03/2015 18:48

I think this has veered away slightly from the OP's original point.
The OP was in no way suggesting that the day was solely for her but simply asking that they have lunch as their own family and share the rest of the day with their extended family. Also, it's not just MIL that isn't included in the lunch. OP's DM will not be there either. I can't see how this is BU at all.

Original poster
ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 09/03/2015 18:52

Ragwort we have lunch with pils at home every saturday. They either come to ours or us to theirs. Im not 'avoiding' my mil as someone suggested and im not dictating when my dh sees his parents. My ils see their son and gd each and every week.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 09/03/2015 18:54

But what if someone wants to spend their Mothers Day having quality time with their own children Pictish? Why is their wish any less valid than a MIL wanting to see their son?

slithytove · 09/03/2015 18:59

Op, how old is dd? Has DH had a Father's Day yet?

Thymeout · 09/03/2015 18:59

And you see your DH and DD every day of the week.

Mil wants to host a lunch with you, DH and DD and invite your DM as well. By wanting to have a celebration on your own, you're scuppering what sounds like a special family occasion.

slithytove · 09/03/2015 19:03

I've had a rough road to parenting a child, and as a result, the 'hallmark' mother and father days mean a lot to us to mark.

While the kids are too young to understand, that does mean there is a certain expectation on the spouse to act on their behalf e.g. Card buying. In addition, we see it as a day to give the parent a bit of a rest, lie in, breakfast in bed etc, in recognition of how hard they work at that role. I don't see that grandparents necessarily work so hard at active parenting at that stage of their lives.

slithytove · 09/03/2015 19:05

Would a b2b be allowed to elope if mil2b wanted to throw a big grand wedding (or, a special family occasion Wink)? To read some pp, you would think not!

Do grandparents have to be invited to everything? It's an alien concept to me.

slithytove · 09/03/2015 19:07

Surely the MOST that mil can reasonably get is her son? Why does she get dibs on op, op's dd and op's dm too?