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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers Day

367 replies

ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 09/03/2015 16:07

Its my first Mothers Day with my dd (after serious fertility issues, she was a long time coming) and I would like our lunch out to be just me my husband and our dd (we would visit pil and my mum later that day) My mil wants us all to go out together which would include
my pil and my mum. My husband thinks we should but I dont want to. AIBU?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 09/03/2015 17:04

I think you should do it your way this year out of principle. Otherwise you can start setting a precedent which can be harder to change later on. You have a good reason. Go with it.

Original poster
ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 09/03/2015 17:04

Just to be clear this is not a mil bashing thread, we do get on its just that I think she wants to continue to be the person things revolve around but thats not always going to be the case now.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 09/03/2015 17:04

Or what Mariposa said, with more eloquence Blush

slithytove · 09/03/2015 17:05

Op, could you suggest to DH that of course he can join his mum, but that you choose not to. That you will celebrate being a mother with your hard won dd (appreciate you might want some time off though)

Does your mum understand that you will be celebrating her being your mother later in the afternoon over a nice cake or something?

I don't understand these grown adults muscling in on their children's already made plans. Would it be so difficult for mil to celebrate over dinner or afternoon tea?

NormHonal · 09/03/2015 17:06

YANBU.

I've had the past few years of being with either MIL or DMum on Mother's Day. Two of the past three, we have hosted the meal (with me organising flowers etc and doing the clearing up). This year it's my turn. And I'm not lifting a finger.

It's your first one, and it's extra-special. We also had IVF and I understand how you feel.

Applecross · 09/03/2015 17:06

Yanbu, but otoh it's not worth the conflict imo, I'd arrange something nice for just you on the Saturday, just because these things cause so much conflict and bad feeling. Your mil is being a bit u but I don't know that standing up to them at every opportunity is best in the long run, hasn't worked out that well for me.

slithytove · 09/03/2015 17:07

Slightly dramatic mariposa? She is hardly excluding mil by wanting lunch with her husband and daughter, or should mil (and any other grandparent who makes enough fuss) be allowed to invite themselves to any significant family meal?

WorraLiberty · 09/03/2015 17:08

Just to be clear this is not a mil bashing thread, we do get on its just that I think she wants to continue to be the person things revolve around but thats not always going to be the case now.

It's mother's day and she is his mother Confused

Your baby is tiny and too young to take you to lunch

slithytove · 09/03/2015 17:08

Op, does mil have a mil or mum of her own still?

lem73 · 09/03/2015 17:09

Do what you want Op. In the last year, you've carried a baby, given birth and taken care of a newborn. You deserve a bit of TLC and appreciation. If you ask me your mil suggested this because she's worried her ds won't give her any attention this year. (No I'm not making assumptions based on my first mother's day ??).

Teammck05 · 09/03/2015 17:13

I know how you feel. When we had our first DC after years of trying and finally treatment and him being unwell, Mother's Day was going to be really special. Our plan was to visit both our mums and then do something nice just the three of us. Stopped in at MIL's first who had prepared a sit down lunch so was rude not to stay. This was at 11am. Lunch had not been prepared to celebrate my first mother day was purely so she could leave out my mum and spend more time with DC. No mention of it being Mother's Day for me either. Was really hurt by it. Finally got to see my own mum at 5 and then had to go home to get baby settled for the evening.
Stick to your plan, it's been a long journey for you getting to be a mum enjoy the day how you want to.

ineedabodytransplant · 09/03/2015 17:14

Worra, Mother's Day is about Mothers not children. So why should the OPs day be less important than the MILs day?

It's a celebration about motherhood. Unless you're deflecting a bit?

As I grew older with my family, Mothers Day (couldn't do Fathers Day as my dad died when I was young) it went from my mum to my wife. She was a mother to my daughters, so it was her Mothers day. I still saw my mum on the day but my wife came first.

Where do you draw the line? If your great-great grandmother was alive would she have to have preference over any other mother in the family? No.

OP, have a great day with your long awaited dd.

Rosieliveson · 09/03/2015 17:18

I had my first mother's day as a mother with just my DH and baby. It was a special day for me and I wanted it to myself. Selfishly or not.
We did see both grandmothers around the date and gave cards, gifts, cooked lunch etc.
YANBU to say you won't all be going for lunch this year but would like to see mil and DM for tea, cake or whatever. If anyone chooses to take issue then so be it. Things have changed now there is a baby on the scene. Things ways change when a baby turns up. People have to learn to live with it.

LarrytheCucumber · 09/03/2015 17:25

Ever since DS1 has had children it has been understood that they will do something as a family at lunch time and then visit the two mothers after that. Sometimes DiL visits her mother with one child and DS visits me with the other one. To be honest all the rules need to be renegotiated when the DCs grow up and if the OP wants to spend time in her own family unit that should be ok.
Just seen ineedabodytransplants post. I agree with your view.

SaucyJack · 09/03/2015 17:28

YANBU. You're the mum in your family now. Enjoy your day.

RabidFairy · 09/03/2015 17:29

Have your day as you planned it OP. While its nice that your MIL has thought to include your mum, you've already planned to see them all later on. Have the day that you have been looking forward to so much. I hope it's a great day for you Smile

Anyway, your DH can make the decisions on father's day!

AllTheNamesIWantHaveGone · 09/03/2015 17:32

OP - YA(DEFINITELY)NBU

I won't winge on here but lets just say I share your views entirely (DS was also the result of a very long IVF journey) and now face the same 'argument' on every single significant occasion .........

Stick to what you want OP ! And enjoy your first mothers day.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 09/03/2015 17:35

Yanbu. Do it your way. You'll be seeing her (mil) later in the day anyway.

And congratulations x

DidoTheDodo · 09/03/2015 17:35

Although I see where you are coming from, OP, as a mother,MIL and grandmother myself I'd be really sad if I though my children and partners were all arguing over how they can avoid me on mother's day. (Actually, I am happy to make do with a phone call)
Wait 30 years or so and see if your view alters!

pictish · 09/03/2015 17:37

I agree with worra

I am always irritated and amused to see how het up women seem to get over the great fabricated Hallmark money making occasion known as Mother's Day.
It's the day when husbands and sons have to choose between their wives and mothers apparently. And it better be his wife, or so help her she'll never let him forget it. So what if she's not his mother...she's a mother and that's all that matters.

OP I think yabu but you'll get plenty of support here, so it hardly counts.

Handmade cards and a bunch of daffs from the kids does for me thankfully. I don't grudge my mil a second of her son's attention.

Thymeout · 09/03/2015 17:39

I agree with Worra.

Someone said that OP's mil had had 40 years of mother's days and now it was her turn. But how many of those mother's days were spent making a fuss of her DM And DMil?

My dcs always gave me cards and a present, but we went to either Dm's or DMil for a meal, either at their houses or a restaurant. This was particularly important when they were elderly.

Has someone moved the goalposts?

LuckySaint · 09/03/2015 17:39

Yanbu enjoy your first mother's day op.

pictish · 09/03/2015 17:42

Mother's Day is only Wives Day on Mumsnet. The rest of the country makes Mother's Day about their mums as was intended.

funkybuddah · 09/03/2015 17:44

YANBU you are a mum too. I call all the shots on mothers day. I do what I want every year. I go and see my mum or she comes to me (we don't see dp's mum) but she cares very little. We take her out to dinner the week before or after MD and all are happy.

Do as you wish OP

AnneOfCleavage · 09/03/2015 17:47

I see your point entirely. I am a mother, I have a mother and a mil and every year it's the same.

This year DH has suggested to his mum we have her over the night before for dinner so I can have the morning. I'll then have my mum and all my siblings (and partners and DC) over for the afternoon. I'll be exhausted after this weekend.

Enjoy your first Mothers Day OP Thanks

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