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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers Day

367 replies

ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 09/03/2015 16:07

Its my first Mothers Day with my dd (after serious fertility issues, she was a long time coming) and I would like our lunch out to be just me my husband and our dd (we would visit pil and my mum later that day) My mil wants us all to go out together which would include
my pil and my mum. My husband thinks we should but I dont want to. AIBU?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/03/2015 18:36

Back on page 4 I said I too can totally understand why the Mil thinks its a nice thing to to do, except it wasnt nice for all those invited, ie the main person right now, the new mother who has other ideas.

'Main person right now'?? Confused

Why is the OP (and the only one objecting to the family lunch) the 'main person right now'?

AlPacinosHooHaa · 10/03/2015 18:38

'main person right now'?

Because its her FIRST mothers day,

Because she has struggled for many years to conceive,

Because she nearly lost her precious longed for child,

Because she has done mothers day for the mothers in the family their way and wants to do it her way for once, as a new mother ^ see above.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 10/03/2015 18:40

Worrel, maybe you have forgotton whats its like to be a mother for the first time, becasue I just dont get you and what you cannot grasp here.

icedgem30 · 10/03/2015 18:45

I may get flamed here but just because its the Ops FIRST mothers day does not make her more important than any other mother.

And I cannot imagine how difficult fertility issues are but a mother who has tried for years is not more or less important than a mother who only had to try for a week and you cant say X trumps Y because she tried longer. We're all mothers, all equal.

Its clearly an important day for OP which is fine but it wouldn't have been less important/special if she celebrated alongside her own MIL/mum.

WorraLiberty · 10/03/2015 18:45

For goodness sake, struggling to conceive doesn't make a parent with a baby, any different to all the other parents with babies. I'm quite sure once the baby is born, it's loved and appreciated on exactly the same level as the babies whose parents didn't struggle to conceive.

Simply giving birth doesn't make you the 'main person' in a family full of mothers.

There is no hierarchy here, just the OP, her DM and her MIL...all of whom are mothers.

icedgem30 · 10/03/2015 18:48

Al, what I cannot grasp is how celebrating mothers day with MIL and mum there would make it any less important/special than if they werent there. Still having a meal with her dd, dh and family , just alongside other mothers who also have an equal right to celebrate mothers day.

WorraLiberty · 10/03/2015 18:50

No I haven't forgotten what it's like to be a Mother for the first time ALPacino

I celebrated my first mother's day (and many more) with my mum, my gran and my mil, because we were all much loved mothers.

funkyfoam · 10/03/2015 19:05

Years of ill heath that nearly killed me several times over meant my first baby was a complete and utter miracle. Never ever have I felt that she was more important , more loved than any other child. The first Mothers Day after her birth was celebration for me and her grandmothers. Why, because I had recently had a child should I have been more important. I just don't get it.

icedgem30 · 10/03/2015 19:15

Very well said funky, you seem like a very reasonable and rational persobn.

your baby was a miracle, mine was a 'happy accident' but that doesn't make one of us more important than the other, I'm sure our children are loved just the same.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/03/2015 19:40

I like the idea of all mothers in the family celebrating together... I just do. I agree with Hesterton, it's all a lot of self-absorbed Hallmark twattishness now that makes normally well-adjusted adults turn into foot-stamping brats who are ultra-competitive and very much "Look at ME, mine, mine, MINE!!".

I lost a child. Not at all offended by Worra's posts either; possibly because I understand what she's saying and don't feel the need to leap at her throat.

There WILL be a complaining thread all about Mothers' Day... probably before the sun has even come up. Very sad.

Postchildrenpregranny · 10/03/2015 19:43

I'm with you Pictish
Queued with friend today in card shop as she bought her mum a card(my DM and DMIL are dead) Couldn't believe the 'stuff' people were buying and how much they spent . A card (not icky , specifically Mothers Day either)/phone call is nice but wouldnt disown mine if they forgot (theyare both abroad this year, as it happens).The whole thing (like Christmas,Valentines, Easter, Fathers Day)is blown ridiculously out of proportion IMO.

LucilleBluth · 10/03/2015 19:45

Come on, Mother's Day is about the older relatives, we are off to see MIL and her mum, my mum is away so I've sent a card. I have three DCs, I love homemade stuff from them......but it means so much more to MIL et al.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 10/03/2015 19:45

Its clearly an important day for OP which is fine but it wouldn't have been less important/special if she celebrated alongside her own MIL/mum

But it matters to OP, Different things matter to people.

It matters to her and that is what matters here on this day.

Op has not said she never sees her Mil, she will not see her mil or anything of the sort, she sees her mil EVERY WEEK and wants to spend some time ALONE and meet them later.

I like the idea of all mothers celebrating together too, and I am sure in years to come there are plenty more times for them all to be together just not at lunch time this mothers day.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 10/03/2015 19:46

Lucille Does you mil have an elderly mother who will be left out of all these celebrations? Because if its about the older generation them ops Mil and Fil have both abandoned totally their mothers. Confused

LucilleBluth · 10/03/2015 19:53

Read my post again AlPachino.

icedgem30 · 10/03/2015 19:56

And maybe it mattered to MIL to have a dinner with her son.

It would not have hurt Op to have a family celebration, she still would have been marking the occasion. The only difference is the attention would have been on all the mothers and not just OP

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 10/03/2015 21:22

Every year it is the same! A group of martyrs who think that their time (yeah better hope so) will come and a bunch of entitled me-me a wanting their speshal day.

I will see DM day before and she will see me sister on the day with my sisters MIL. I will invariably See DPs DM and DGM.

I will feel slightly resentful that DP does not ask what I would like to do or have any concept of my favourite flowers but smile and make sure MIL and GMIL have a wonderful day. DP away for a lot of the year (inc Valentines so gets out of that one too) so would appreciate a little credit for pulling the biggest mothering load in the family atm. I could pretend to be soooo painfully sorted that such hallmark days don't matter a jot because either (i) DP is so well trained by me he appreciates me 365 or (ii) I was so proficient at choosing life partner I always feel valued. Sometimes the hallmark (or Mothering Sunday which is not hallmark) days are just a timely reminder to appreciate the important people in your life in the grand scheme of super hectic living.

Still none of it really matters to me this year because the DC are weirdly more excited about Mother's Day than Christmas - being bad at secrets they have hidden an Elsa lolly, many pictures of flowers, picked and hidden (what are already wilted) daisies and are counting the sleeps. I imagine this enthusiasm will be for one year only. Mostly they love festivals because there is lots of nice food and family! I might choose a mother's day treat of horse riding en famille but do it on a different day. Now DPs lack of credit for my motherly efforts barely registers. I am so excited for the DC and will just tell DP I want to go riding. Otherwise it is like putting him in for a test he doesn't know he is taking and setting him up to fail!

Maybe grit your teeth out of duty and then
do a nice dinner? Or Saturday lunch!

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 10/03/2015 21:27

Oh there is a song in the offing too-a Mother's Day song. Shall I find out he words and you can serenade mil over lunch? Wink

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 10/03/2015 21:31

There's no way you are being unreasonable. You are visiting your Mum and MIL on Mother's Day. The precise timing of that is irrelevant. A lot of people would enjoy the lunch with the grandparents there but that is NOT the only acceptable way to do Mother's Day. My mum and MIL will get a card and a phone call as they are too far away. No biggie.

Behindthepaintedgarden · 11/03/2015 10:57

Fitzgerald, I haven't seen any 'martyrs' on this thread, just posters saying that it all evens out over time and it's nice to celebrate with the older generation while they're still around and able to be shown appreciation towards.

Frazzaboo · 05/03/2017 06:40

What about enjoying a day with family while the little one still can? 3 generations together is a blessing which unfortunately does not last forever. I am not keen on the inlaws but will enjoy the family together as partner and little one will be happy. You could make the week-end a "mother's day". Who care about who "calls the shots" or who is in control. Maybe it is a chance for sharing the family love together, at least she wants to see you all...❤

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira · 05/03/2017 06:45

Frazzaboo

About two years to late my friend!! Blush

BeaveredBadgered · 05/03/2017 06:50

YANBU. It was my first Mother's Day last year and we had a family lunch out just the three of us. It meant a lot to me and was a lovely chance to reflect on a busy, exhausting but amazing several months with DD.
I called my own DM and sent flowers on the day but she commented that Mother's Day is for Mums who have little ones and she enjoyed many happy years of homemade cards and breakfast in bed herself and now it's our turn (myself and Dsis).

DenimChicken · 05/03/2017 06:56

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE

sabzii · 05/03/2017 07:05

Congrats on your new family!

I'm with your DH, sorry. Why not have a Mother's Day breakfast or lie in or something with your own little family, then celebrate with mil? She has been a mother for 40+ years so deserves some respect and attention- and isn't Mother's Day about showing love and gratitude to your own mother? I have a toddler but in my family Mother's Day is more focused on the older generation (who have given half their lives to raising us). This year mil will be staying with us, we will be focusing on her, since she's the matriarch and I'm relatively new to motherhood!

I think of Mother's Day as more for when children get a bit older- when they bring you a bunch of flowers and a homemade card. Not husband buying a card/gift and signing it from baby.