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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mothers Day

367 replies

ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 09/03/2015 16:07

Its my first Mothers Day with my dd (after serious fertility issues, she was a long time coming) and I would like our lunch out to be just me my husband and our dd (we would visit pil and my mum later that day) My mil wants us all to go out together which would include
my pil and my mum. My husband thinks we should but I dont want to. AIBU?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 10/03/2015 15:03

Maybe worra because she wanted to hear different sides of the argument and nothing on the other side has convinced her. Or is she only allowed to ask on aibu if she is going to agree with the other side?

She's allowed to do what she wants within MN guidelines but getting stroppy with people who don't agree, is just a bit silly imo.

HairyHandedFucker · 10/03/2015 15:04

Because, Worra, to the OP, this first MD is precious to her, she wants a bit of me time, for it to be her, her DH and her longed-for child.
MIL and the OP's M will still get seen, just later, not for lunch. I don't see the big deal. But then, I don't see the big deal about MD at all, seems a lot of fuss with extra expense, but if OP does, then she is allowed to have this moment.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 10/03/2015 15:06

she hasnt got stroppy though. but I thikn she has every right to start getting a little stroppy now, I agree with slithy some posters should be ashamed.

icedgem30 · 10/03/2015 15:06

I think my DP is an amazing father too. But he is not my father so I won't get him a card. When our dd is old enough to know what fathers day is and show dp how great he is herself then fine not a problem . It's just my opinion and other families do what they see fit which is obviously fine.

But MIL wanting a meal with all the mothers doesn't mean that the OP is not celebrating being a mother, she is just celebrating alongside other mothers too. Her dd will still be there, I don't understand the issue myself.

Behindthepaintedgarden · 10/03/2015 15:08

No it's not 'shame on us' Slithy. We were asked for our opinion on a situation and have given our interpretation of Mother's Day. Shame on you for slagging off posters who disagree with you in that manner.

WorraLiberty · 10/03/2015 15:09

No-one's saying she's not 'allowed to have this moment' are they?

If she wants to bolt down steak and chips in an overcrowded restaurant, with a fair chance of her baby crying through the meal, that's entirely up to the OP.

But she asked the question My mil wants us all to go out together which would include my pil and my mum. My husband thinks we should but I dont want to. AIBU?

And that's what people are answering, with their own views.

WorraLiberty · 10/03/2015 15:10

Ashamed of what ffs?

Giving their opinions as requested by the OP?

Yeah, hold on while I self flagellate....

Thymeout · 10/03/2015 15:12

Believe you me, by the time you've done 40 years of mothering you deserve a bloody banquet.

slithytove · 10/03/2015 15:16

Mil gets what she wants which is not what op wants. So yes, it's getting dibs.

And maybe it isnt fair, you don't know what op's mum situation is.

And how is it unfair that part of the day is op DH and dd and the other part is all about the older generation of mums?

AlPacinosHooHaa · 10/03/2015 15:16

Some of those opinions are robust in the face of sensitive issues posters are talking about, but I am not expecting you to understand that.

icedgem30 · 10/03/2015 15:22

MIL doesnt trump OP but OP doesn't trump MIL either.

I think MILs meal suggestion solves all problems, OP is still celebrating being a mother, her dd will still be there, she will just be celebrating with other mothers who have equal right to celebrate the day aswell.

slithytove · 10/03/2015 15:22

Hardly slagged anyone off. And fine if that's what Mother's Day means for you. But in the same why that I wouldn't say your DH should be doing stuff on your kids behalf, I don't think it's right for posters to tell op she she shouldn't have a mothers day until her kids comprehend it.

Ashamed of telling op (and by definition, all those in similar circumstance) that they don't get to celebrate Mother's Day, aren't entitled to it, until their dc appreciate it. So no one with a baby, or who has lost a child, or who has a disabled child who can't appreciate it, is entitled to Mother's Day.

I think that is very harsh and yes posters should be ashamed of the hurt its caused me and probably others.

Do it in your family, don't dictate it in others.

Behindthepaintedgarden · 10/03/2015 15:23

AlPacino we were asked a straightforward question about Mother's Day and have given straightforward answers. It is you and one or two other posters who keep trying to make it about deeper and more sensitive issues.

We are simply debating views about what exactly is the purpose of mother's day and whether we feel the OP is reasonable or unreasonable to decline a meal with her MIL and mother on that particular day. We are not making larger statements around infertility or loss of children, and I for one do not appreciate being attacked for things I have not said or implied.

slithytove · 10/03/2015 15:24

This is ridiculous. Mil being DH's mum doesn't give her the right to dictate when and where everyone celebrates.

What if op mum would rather celebrate with all her children instead of with her dd's mil? Presumably since she has been a mother for 30 odd years her wishes are just as valid as mils.

slithytove · 10/03/2015 15:26

Behind if you haven't said it, then you don't need to assume you are being attacked.

My posts are directed to those who did say it. And yes it's deeper and yes it's hurtful and yes it does speak to infertility and child loss and lots more.

icedgem30 · 10/03/2015 15:27

Nobody has dictated the op or anyone else does??

The OP asked if she was being unreasonable. Some of us think she is and are explaining why.

Why should i be ashamed because for me mothers day doesnt really mean anything until my DD can do something? Its all about my mum and DPs mum for us, and I will not be ashamed for that.

Nobody has said the Op is not entitled to a mothers day, just explaining why we think she is being unreasonable as was asked.

slithytove · 10/03/2015 15:28

No one has answered to me yet either how mil can decide where op, dd and op dm are going to be either.

Probably because they realise she can't, it's only reasonable for DH to attend.

And op isn't declining a meal, she is declining the specific meal which clashes with her own arrangements. What is wrong with dinner after?

Original poster

ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 10/03/2015 15:29

Ok to be clear AGAIN.
I havent slagged of my mil or any posters,
Im far from getting 'stroppy'
Ive welcomed different views (the sensible ones anyway)
Im a MOTHER therefore will be having a MOTHERS DAY irrespective of my dd age or ability!
We will see both mil and my mum on MOTHERS day.
Before I leave this thread as its been derailed slighty, I will just say that my mil is a lovely lady, we get on and will continue to get on. I dont take on the view as someone suggested, that 'he is mine now blah blah blah" we have been together for over 20 years! We have celebrated every xmas and special occassion with il and my family. No one is being excluded in life.

OP posts:

slithytove · 10/03/2015 15:29

Honestly iced, read my posts. If you didn't tell the op she wasn't entitled to a mothers day until her dd appreciated it, then clearly they aren't directed at you.

mrsnec · 10/03/2015 15:29

I am in a similar position too and the responses here are very interesting.

I however live abroad. My parents will be visiting me. Inlaws live close and dh's dgm is staying with them too.

Mil booked a restaurant just for them. a carvery, my idea of hell.she said that we could join them if we wanted. My dm thinks we should go and make a big deal of it because of 4 generations being together, my first mother's day after fertility struggles etc.it's the day after my dh's 40th though and I think I just wanted to be at home.

If it was all about me I wish I'd had a say in the venue but I just keep thinking it's only for a couple of hours so I might as well go along with it. I could just make sure I mark other occasions in my own way like dd's first birthday for example.

icedgem30 · 10/03/2015 15:30

How is MIL suggesting a family meal 'demanding' for god sake.

icedgem30 · 10/03/2015 15:33

"As for all of you who think Mother's Day can only be acknowledged when the child can comprehend it, shame on you"

Thats exactly what you said. You never said anyone who said it to the OP, you said anyone that thinks it , and as that is my opinion then I take it I am included in those who should be ashamed and I'm not because it's my opinon and works for me.

pictish · 10/03/2015 15:33

Normally OP, when your child gets to about 3 or 4 you will start to get drawings and homemade cards for Mothers Day. When they're a bit older they will buy you little presents with their pocket money, or insist on making you breakfast (and setting the toaster on fire). Then as teenagers you will get a shop bought card and a box of chocolates. And when they start working you will get lunch out or flowers and stuff.
It's not really about being 'entitled' to a mother's day. It's about your children being at an age when they can start making gestures to mark the day.

God yes. Wait your turn fgs.

WorraLiberty · 10/03/2015 15:37

It's weird how men don't go in for all the Dadzilla stuff on Father's day.

I wonder why it's always much more likely to be women moaning about mother's day?

MN will be chokka block with complaints from Sunday onwards, just like every year.

Original poster

ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 10/03/2015 15:38

Wait my turn? Lol I serously hope you joking pictish!

OP posts:

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