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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my friend she has upset me?

158 replies

Lucinna · 06/03/2015 22:52

I am probably being silly but I feel like I really need to tackle this with my friend otherwise I will keep thinking about it and will probably end up distancing myself from her as I'm quite upset.

I have known her for about 5 years, and thought that we were very close, good friends. We talk loads and spend a lot of time together; we confide in each other a lot. I have been there for her during various things that she's gone through in the past couple of years, and have done lots of nice things to cheer her up, as well as helped her out a lot with things like picking up her child from school when he's been ill and she's been at work, and having her DC overnight when she's been away overnight with her husband.

Anyway, tonight she has shared on Facebook one of those poem type things about best friends and has labelled it "For all my besties" and has tagged six friends of hers but not me.

I know it's only Facebook but I do feel it actually says quite a lot about how much she values me that she has done this. I have considered her my best friend for several years and I thought that I would at least factor in her group of best/close friends but it seems that I don't :-(

I think I'm going to have to say something to her, because it has really upset me. I'm not usually one for speaking up about things and am quite easy going but I guess as she's a friend I need to at least talk to her about it before I decide whether to carry on being friends with her or not?

OP posts:

KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon · 06/03/2015 22:54

Nah, just walk away.

She's put it in black and white.

Some people are gits. Walk away.

Corygal · 06/03/2015 22:58

Stop doing her favours and move on.

Hassled · 06/03/2015 22:59

I think you may well regret saying something. Are these "besties" childhood friends - people she's known far longer than you? Is that how she's selected them, maybe? I think cool off a bit, disengage, let her contact you rather than the other way round (and do what you can to make some new friends). But don't go for the kneejerk reaction.

Thisismyfirsttime · 06/03/2015 23:00

Are they maybe a group of friends that she's tagged as the quote/ whatever will be relevant to them collectively?

Original poster

Lucinna · 06/03/2015 23:00

I'm reluctant to just dump her and move on though without giving her a chance to make amends. We've been friends for 5 years and I would feel upset to just end the friendship.

OP posts:

Susiesue61 · 06/03/2015 23:00

It's a tricky one. I've recently distanced myself from a really close friend because she's not treating me well. DH thinks I maybe upset her by talking about my 'best friend' at New year. My best friend I have known for 20 years. This other friend I have known for about 8 years, we come for the same town, and our girls used to be really friendly. She used to say I was like the sister she never had. But now she rarely rings.
Sorry, this is waffly! What I'm saying is, I would have loved to have it out with her, but I've let it go and not been in touch, and I feel much more relaxed about it. If she rings, them she rings,but I'm not worrying about it.

Original poster

Lucinna · 06/03/2015 23:01

No they're all women she knows from various places. A couple are other mums from the school our DC attend.

OP posts:

Topseyt · 06/03/2015 23:01

Facebook often has a lot to answer for, IMHO.

Life was simpler in many ways before social media.

Tryharder · 06/03/2015 23:02

As Hassled said, maybe these are all old friends from a particular time/place/event in her life.

Don't ruin a friendship over a throwaway facebook comment

Comito · 06/03/2015 23:02

So you're upset about not being tagged in a post on Facebook.

I would honestly suggest you get a grip because if what you say about your relationship with her is true, it's unlikely to be personal. She has probably tagged a bunch of people and accidentally missed you. It's easily done.

TheRealMaryMillington · 06/03/2015 23:02

Really?

You'd walk away from a friendship that makes you happy and sustains you because she didn't tag you in a Facebook equivalent of a chain letter?

Really?

Because I think that would be crazy, personally.

Were all the others folks from round the way, who've know her the same sort of length of time? Or her mates from school? or university? or going way back?

anothernumberone · 06/03/2015 23:03

If she is not generally treating you well then there is an issue. If she forgot to tag you on facebook please, please forget about it. I am sure she was just being thoughtless.

Original poster

Lucinna · 06/03/2015 23:03

I know it's only Facebook and that it sounds silly but to me it just sums up that she doesn't value me as much as I value her and I find it hurtful considering how much she leans on me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lucinna · 06/03/2015 23:05

I often read threads on here where posters are told it's cruel to just distance yourself from a friend and it's better to talk about why you are upset with them, so I was thinking it would probably be better to say how I feel so at least I can see if she did it accidently or not.

OP posts:

TheRealMaryMillington · 06/03/2015 23:05

ok cross post

"make amends?" sorry but high maintenance or what?

unless she is routinely being actually horrible to you in real life, forget it.

anothernumberone · 06/03/2015 23:06

But she might have actually tried to tag you and failed, she might have typed the list as they came into her head and carelessly forgot you. Is she treating you badly in real life, not on the internet, in real life?

countessmarkyabitch · 06/03/2015 23:06

Can you imagine how that conversation would go though? I can't see it being anything other than you coming across needy and a bit childish.

Isn't it more sensible to evaluate your friendships based on whether you enjoy spending time with each other and whether you each add something to the others lives?

To be truly honest, if one of my friends came to me and said "I don't want to be friends with you because you didn't tag me in a FB poem about besties"...I would be a)bemused and b) glad to be dumped.

HeisenbergsBlueMeth · 06/03/2015 23:06

People take Facebook far too seriously.

Smartiepants79 · 06/03/2015 23:06

Are the friends all friends of each other? Like a group from school, that sort of thing?
I don't know that I would say anything but I'm a wuss. It could be a very awkward conversation.
Perhaps let he do the running for a bit and see how it goes. Work out how much she contacts you and if she is only doing it when she needs something.
It would make more sense to me if the people she has tagged were all connected in some way.

Debinaround · 06/03/2015 23:06

She sounds a bit of a user. You list all the things you do for her but nothing she does for you. Doesn't sound like she has been much of a friend.

I wouldn't bother saying anything to her but I would take a step back from the friendship for a while. If she is a real friend she will make the effort and if she doesn't at least you know where you stand and can move on. Make some new friends who will appreciate you.

UmizoomiThis · 06/03/2015 23:06

I'd start distancing myself. Because really, his shouldn't be bothering you so you're over invested. And if you do mention it, she's going to distance herself from you (because you're being a bit high school-ish)

Hassled · 06/03/2015 23:06

Was part of you thinking this before tonight? Was the FB thing just the tipping point? Or has this been a complete surprise?

Original poster

Lucinna · 06/03/2015 23:07

I don't see the problem with being a bit high maintenance tbh MaryMillington.

I'd rather that than be walked over.

OP posts:

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 06/03/2015 23:07

No. It's not only face book!, your feelings have been hurt as most people's would be.
I know it's easy for me to say this and believe me I am in no way trying to instigate trouble between you and your do I dare say so called friend,but I do think you need to tell her your feelings because it will eat away at you. It's bound to.

Comito · 06/03/2015 23:07

It sums up how you feel?

So was everything OK until this FB faux pas or are you just projecting onto her some feelings of your own?

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