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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend she has upset me?

158 replies

Lucinna · 06/03/2015 22:52

I am probably being silly but I feel like I really need to tackle this with my friend otherwise I will keep thinking about it and will probably end up distancing myself from her as I'm quite upset.

I have known her for about 5 years, and thought that we were very close, good friends. We talk loads and spend a lot of time together; we confide in each other a lot. I have been there for her during various things that she's gone through in the past couple of years, and have done lots of nice things to cheer her up, as well as helped her out a lot with things like picking up her child from school when he's been ill and she's been at work, and having her DC overnight when she's been away overnight with her husband.

Anyway, tonight she has shared on Facebook one of those poem type things about best friends and has labelled it "For all my besties" and has tagged six friends of hers but not me.

I know it's only Facebook but I do feel it actually says quite a lot about how much she values me that she has done this. I have considered her my best friend for several years and I thought that I would at least factor in her group of best/close friends but it seems that I don't :-(

I think I'm going to have to say something to her, because it has really upset me. I'm not usually one for speaking up about things and am quite easy going but I guess as she's a friend I need to at least talk to her about it before I decide whether to carry on being friends with her or not?

OP posts:
RatMort · 06/03/2015 23:21

Honestly, OP, I'm sorry you're hurt, but even leaving aside the issue that you're considering ending a friendship because of a Facebook post, I can't believe that two adults are falling out over a 'bestie' list. Does anyone over the age of about twelve think in those terms?

Surely you gauge the quality of your friendship from your interaction with one another, not some juvenile social media one-up-manship?

UmizoomiThis · 06/03/2015 23:23

God help her if she should ever go out with a few friends, not invite you and post pics of the night on FB.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 06/03/2015 23:24

Op you haven't really answered the question of how she treats you in real life. Does she act like she can't be arsed to see you, or does she make an effort to get together? Does she seem to enjoy your company and do you enjoy hers? Stop focusing on one post on FB and giving it so much weight, there are many other factors to take into account when deciding if she's a shit friend who doesn't value you.

ClockwiseCat · 06/03/2015 23:24

Is she a good friend to you? --> If so, YABU and high maintenance beyond anything normal or healthy. I could imagine a 30 second twinge of self-pity but if that's the worst thing she's ever done, she's probably a good friend! At worst you could always say 'Oi, I love the way you tagged me in that besties post!' and see what she says.

Does she treat you badly / neglect you / exclude you? --> YANBU and it is a blessing in disguise. Walk away.

DoJo · 06/03/2015 23:25

Perhaps she does consider you a best friend, but doesn't feel the need to broadcast it through the medium of a Facebook poem. Perhaps she has tagged people who are having a hard time or who she thought the poem was particularly applicable to. Perhaps she had a conversation with these people about how lame these FB poems are and did it as a joke. Perhaps she is offended that you haven't posted a single poem about how you see her as a friend.

Personally, I think it says a lot about how you value her as a friend that you are considering distancing yourself from her over something so minor and trivial as a FB poem - perhaps you aren't as good a friend to her as you think if this is all it takes to make you want to ditch her.

LongHardStare · 06/03/2015 23:26

I think OP is getting an unfairly hard time. Just because facebook was the medium doesn't make the thing itself not hurtful. She has said to an audience of all her friends and aquaintances 'these ones are my best friends and the ones I value most' and OP is hurt that she is not considered a good enough friend to warrant being part of that group.

If you were totally shocked and feel it was out of character OP, then I would give her the benefit of the doubt and assume it wasn't meant badly.

If you are hurt but not entirely surprised, then go with your gut and accept this was probably unkindness on her part. In that case I would distance myself. It is not that you wouldn't give her the chance to make amends, but that the onus is on her.

countessmarkyabitch · 06/03/2015 23:28

She's giving her friend a hard time though.

TheRealMaryMillington · 06/03/2015 23:29

LongHardStare - tbh I think people are giving OP a hard time because they are being cruel to be kind.

Hassled · 06/03/2015 23:29

It's easy to trivialise FB, to say it's not real etc - but these are real people saying real things. You can't just say well it's FB, it doesn't matter. It clearly does matter.

ZombieZoo · 06/03/2015 23:29

Facebook isn't real life, fact.
Would you prefer to be a good friend in real life or tagged on a poem on facebook. Being a good friend in real life I expect.
Forget about facebook (not real life)

Yika · 06/03/2015 23:29

I don't think it's trivial and if you are hurt then you should say something - but I'd raise it in a lighthearted way so as to start a conversation rather than get into a confrontation.

my2centsis · 06/03/2015 23:33

That would hurt me too op! Sorry she's being a shitty friend! You sound like a great one!

Cherrychocolate · 06/03/2015 23:41

Why don't you bring it up with her next time you see her by saying something like 'oh I'm not talking to you, aren't I one of your besties then?!'. She'll then probably say sorry, and you can both have a giggle.

Much better than ending a friendship. This way you get it off your chest, and nobody feels too embarrassed. Life's too short to hold a grudge over something so small OP.

LovelyMarchHare · 06/03/2015 23:44

When you say 'make amends' what do you want her to do? Post a picture on fb saying how much of a 'bestie' you are so everyone can see your rightful place? Or something in real life?

Assuming you are both adult females I think it's an excruciating conversation to have and will.make you look a bit unhinged I'm sorry to say.

If this woman is really a good friend, one that you can rely on for support when you need it, who makes you laugh and brightens your day,then please just let this go. If she's not any of these things then put some distance between you. In either case forget the fb thing.

Debinaround · 06/03/2015 23:45

If she was such a good friend op then I don't think you would be so upset by this.

ZombieZoo · 06/03/2015 23:51

I agree debinaround. I think that maybe you were feeling off about her anyway. Maybe you were feeling not very appreciated.
I would be embarrassed saying something about the fb post. If a friend came to me and said that I would consider the friendship.
Maybe talk to her about the underlying issue. As there must be one other than this fb post

KatoPotato · 07/03/2015 00:11

What's a FB Beastie? Doesn't sound very pleasant?

RoadRunnersMate · 07/03/2015 02:01

You obviously think more of her than she does of you but I wouldnt fall out over it, maybe do less for her if you feel undervalued.

I don't like the term besties as its for teenagers imo, and it can be meaningless gushing.
Good friends come and go in life as people are changeable Wont always fit, maybe thats what is happening.

TheChickenSituation · 07/03/2015 02:22

I doubt the OP will be back to this thread.

Yes, she probably is overreacting, and yes, she probably is insecure. So I don't understand why people aren't perhaps being a bit more gentle with her?

If this happened to me, I'd probably be a bit hurt, dwell on it for a bit, then suck it up and get on with it. But perhaps the OP is a bit more sensitive than that. And that's OK.

Lucinna - I would probably leave it a few days before making any decisions about how to react to your friend. You might find that the strength of feeling passes, and that you'd have regretted spelling it out to her. Or you might not. But either way, a couple do days cooling off won't hurt.

Hope you're OK. Flowers

TheChickenSituation · 07/03/2015 02:23

Cherrychocolate's suggestion is the best one on the thread, by the way! :)

Hathall · 07/03/2015 02:25

Op please don't confront her about it. The conversation will go terribly.
I know you feel hurt by this but at least your eyes are opened.
She probably still value your friendship even if she doesn't consider you a bestie.
Stay friends with her, don't bring it up but stop being available to do things for her all the time.

GoldenBeagle · 07/03/2015 03:28

She was engaged in a mindless moment. Naff 'bestie' poems indeed. I would be horrified if someone tagged me in anytning so cringeworthy.

Be a friend on your own terms. Give help because you want to and like her not because you want a set level of reciprocity. Be confident in what you do and are as a friend and don't look for validation from others. Especially through mawkish facebook 'poetry' . Meaningless as garage flowers.

mimishimmi · 07/03/2015 03:52

sounds like you're a 'favour'ite friend. That is, a friendship cultivated to provide such favours as emergency childcare.

Ledkr · 07/03/2015 03:52

Face book has turned grown adults into teenage school kids imo.

calmseeker · 07/03/2015 07:00

I had a good friend who did something which upset me. I was so upset I said something to her. Our friendship has now been affected for the worse. This might have happened anyway. I am not sure. Her children who are quite young are not as friendly towards my child and my child is keenly aware of this. In retrospect I think I could have approach the matter more diplomatically. I am normally very diplomatic. But I was so upset and angry. I didn't lose it but I wasn't exactly tactful. I don't know whether it's better to do nothing or leave it. Probably do something but think carefully about how to approach things if your friend is a bit volatile or is likely to distance herself from you, if that is not what you want.