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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell my friend she has upset me?

158 replies

Lucinna · 06/03/2015 22:52

I am probably being silly but I feel like I really need to tackle this with my friend otherwise I will keep thinking about it and will probably end up distancing myself from her as I'm quite upset.

I have known her for about 5 years, and thought that we were very close, good friends. We talk loads and spend a lot of time together; we confide in each other a lot. I have been there for her during various things that she's gone through in the past couple of years, and have done lots of nice things to cheer her up, as well as helped her out a lot with things like picking up her child from school when he's been ill and she's been at work, and having her DC overnight when she's been away overnight with her husband.

Anyway, tonight she has shared on Facebook one of those poem type things about best friends and has labelled it "For all my besties" and has tagged six friends of hers but not me.

I know it's only Facebook but I do feel it actually says quite a lot about how much she values me that she has done this. I have considered her my best friend for several years and I thought that I would at least factor in her group of best/close friends but it seems that I don't :-(

I think I'm going to have to say something to her, because it has really upset me. I'm not usually one for speaking up about things and am quite easy going but I guess as she's a friend I need to at least talk to her about it before I decide whether to carry on being friends with her or not?

OP posts:
Charley50 · 07/03/2015 11:24

I had a friend who counted every 'thing' she had ever done for me (whether I had asked her to or not) and expected a 'thing' done back for her in return. It was weird.

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 07/03/2015 11:27

I don't understand all the comments about fb not being 'real life'.

If the OP's friend stood up at a public gathering and read the poem out, dedicating it to her best friends and excluding the OP, would the OP be allowed to be upset? Or would she be accused of over reacting? The OP has posted about the virtual equivalent.

OP YANBU to be upset. But I do agree that you need to think carefully before raising it.

RunnerHasbeen · 07/03/2015 11:29

I think people who expect friendships to have the same exclusivity and equality as a relationship end up with very few friends. I have friends who have very few friends through circumstance and place me more highly and I have friends I consider close who are lucky enough to have loads of close friends from childhood they consider closer in terms of bridesmaids etc. if you want an exclusive bestie go and choose your friends based on how lonely they are. ... or you could grow up a bit.

Cheby · 07/03/2015 11:39

OP YANBU at all. I would be upset too. I think I would reassess the friendship, and if I felt I was giving more than I was getting out of the relationship then I would scale back what I was putting in. I probably wouldn't talk to her about it but equally I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to.

I really don't get all the snobbery around FB, especially people saying 'its not real'. It's a means of communication, the same as talking on the phone or email. It's one millions of people use on a daily basis, why would what's communicated through that medium have less value or truth than that communicated through other means?

GokTwo · 07/03/2015 12:03

From some of your posts op I sense that you felt a bit unappreciated before this. Is that why this has made you feel upset?

I understand. I had a a seemingly close friend who got married and invited loads of people and I only found out about it when I saw a photo that was emailed round. It's not a crime, she can invite whoever she wants to her wedding but I was hurt. I've seen her since and it's been ok but it'll never go back to how it was before. Not the end of the world but an acknowledgement that she didn't see me as that close a friend so I've distanced myself a bit.

GokTwo · 07/03/2015 12:05

And this constant on MN about various things "not being real life"! Including recently school, work, nursery and now fbook. What does constitute "real life" then?

countessmarkyabitch · 07/03/2015 12:05

Lot of high maintenace folks coming out on this thread!

Some people make friendship such an ordeal !

EveBoswell · 07/03/2015 12:14

I have more than one group of friends. Those in each groups have known one another for years. Each group is aware of the other group. If I go out with one group and a photo is put on Facebook, no one in the other group becomes upset but I wouldn't label them as best friends.

Lucinna have you any other friends or is the friend you're talking about the only one you have? Are you in any 'groups' of friends; schoolfriends, for instance?

dangerrabbit · 07/03/2015 12:19

I'm not on FB for entirely these reasons. I found myself getting sucked into the drama and behaving like I was in primary school.

OP, I think your friend sounds a bit immature to be posting poems about her BFFs on FB. But If you confront her about it, she will likely turn it back on you and turn it into a thing.

Personally, I would not particularly want to be good friends with someone who feels the need to make a public list of all their BFFs like they were still in brownies.

I would suggest you distance yourself from this person and see if she notices it. If she doesn't, it will make space in your life for more grown-up friends.

GokTwo · 07/03/2015 12:20

Really?! It's high maintenance to feel upset that your friend got married and invited many mutual friends but left you out? Ok!

justmyview · 07/03/2015 12:24

Most of us have had occasions where we thought "Oh, I would have loved to be bridesmaid / invited to that party, but she chose someone else instead. " It's not very nice, and sometimes (although not always) it gives an indication of the level of the friendship. I think our self -esteem often dictates how we react.

justmyview · 07/03/2015 12:25

GoKTwo - I wasn't replying to you, BTW, mine was a general observation

ThatCuckingFat · 07/03/2015 12:30

Sorry but I think you are overreacting a little bit OP. So she has other friends?! Could it be that certain friends have tagged her in something similar and she feels obliged to tag them back? It's not worth falling out about.
Imagine how it would sound 'I'm upset that you didn't say I was your best friend on facebook'
Real life is more important than facebook.
If your really upset just stop doing so much for her and putting yourself out if you don't think she feels the same.

Momagain1 · 07/03/2015 12:33

She may have accidently left you off, or simply doesnt categorise you amongst the friends who need that sort of public declaration of friendship.

I find it a chore to send that sort of thing once in a while so my friends who are into it don't think something is up. Yes, i have had someone question being left out, so now they are on the list.

Sallystyle · 07/03/2015 12:43

Hang on, Facebook isn't real life?

Well the people I talk to are real. If my friend posted on fb that she hated me would I brush it off because you know, fb isn't real life?

I would be a bit hurt as well op but it could have been an innocent mistake and as long as your friendship is good and makes you happy I wouldn't bother thinking about it any more.

However, from the small bits you posted she sounds like she might be a bit of a user anyway.

I don't do all the tagging bestie crap and I find it all immature but I would still be hurt if my friend left me out but that alone would not make me re-evaluate the friendship.

The talk about 'dumping her' is pretty immature though. It's not dumping worthy alone.

daisychain01 · 07/03/2015 12:46

I find the need to label people, especially in the superlative, is asking for trouble. How can 5 people all be Best Friends? It's such a daft concept.

Your friend has given out a message that may be completely unintentional, she may have done it without thinking. Bloody FB! I would be upset by that, so I can empathise.

I would put some temporary distance between you and your friend for a while longer. A bit of a cool off period. No need to walk away, but wait until she contacts you. It seems like you are giving more than she is and it has become unbalanced.

ThatCuckingFat · 07/03/2015 12:50

No, real life is more important than facebook. As in, I have many friendships where we have a laugh and are there for each other day to day face to face. But we don't feel the need to sing from the rooftops about it on FB.
People take FB far too seriously. It's like a popularity contest.

TheoriginalLEM · 07/03/2015 12:53

is she 12?

softlysoftly · 07/03/2015 12:57

People underestimate and brush off Facebook. Ok so it's "new" ish and not reallife but actually it has become integrated into a large part of people's social life and when it comes to our DCs turn like it or not dismissing FB dramas will be a bad idea because to them social media is very much a part of their lives.

Having said tgat in this instance you have cto ask yourself if t this is reflective of how your real life relationship is. If there are any clues that this could be a symptom of a disease (which I think is likely from your willingness to react) then I personally would raise it with her in an offhand fashion. Then evaluate if the relationship on that basis works for you or not.

PoppyAmex · 07/03/2015 13:04

"It's not only shitty its tantamount to bullying imo."

You seriously need to have a word with yourself. Thinking of all the people actually being bullied and words fail me at this.

countessmarkyabitch · 07/03/2015 13:04

Really?! It's high maintenance to feel upset that your friend got married and invited many mutual friends but left you out? Ok!

ThatCuckingFat · 07/03/2015 13:08

It's definitely not bullying. That's just ridiculous.

Well put, softlysoftly.

UncommonSense · 07/03/2015 13:09

Shitty?
Bullying?

Get a fucking grip, people. Anyone who even reads this kind of shit on facebook is a borderline looney-toon, let alone those who post it.

OP, how old are you? Grow up and get a life. Then you wouldn't even notice shite like this. Sad.

TwoOddSocks · 07/03/2015 13:13

Facebook is just a platform for sharing things and saying things, there is absolutely no reason that because someone says something on Facebook it's going to be less hurtful than if they said something elsewhere.

Because it's online rather than face to face there's more room for misunderstanding though.

lolbeansansalad · 07/03/2015 13:15

I think the only way it would be ok to address it is to comment on it with an 'Oi ;)' but probably best to leave it as it's unlikely that she has upset you intentionally.